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I don't think i'm going to get through this...


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Posted

I just can't seem to let him go. He was the love of my life. He was so compassionate, so loving, so on the same page as me.

Yes there were flaws- nothing fatal though. Nothing that was a dealbreaker for me.

I can't stop crying and we broke up June 8th. I have my good days- yesterday i finally got through a sunday without missing him as much- sundays were our lazy days.

And still i cant help but think this is NOT him. Not calling, not asking how i am. This isnt him. Theres gotta be a logical explaination for all this.

Hes just not a jerk. Never was.

My theory is that he needs to have this time for him to really get himself ready for the next step. Call it naive, call it what you want- i think alot of men go through this.

i just don't believe he could have totally lost that passion that was between us.

Everyone thinks they're the exception. That a little time will make him see what he's lost. Somehow i feel it in me. Yet im still scared.

I just don't know if i can get through this. I miss him so much, flaws and all. I love him so much, and if this is what hes gotta do to be happy, then i want him to be happy- even without me for now.

But i wish i knew. i wish i had a psychic. i wish he'd call me so we could talk.

I can't let go. I'm so mad/sad/teary/exhausted/frustrated.

I don't think i'm going to get through this. :(

Posted

See, I understand what you're saying. I'm sure a lot more men go thru a phase like this than women do. And that makes things bleak for me, cuz from what I've heard, the moment women break up with their boyfriend they probably won't come back.

 

It's ok to still feel like crap. My ex left me a week or so after yours did. And I'm doing a lot better. Problem is, I still have my moments where I'm alone, become nostalgic, and realize what I've lost. And I'll sit on my steps in my house and cry for a little, talking to myself as if I was talking to her.

 

Truth of the matter is, I tried my best to fix things. But after a month or so of trying to reason with her, I realized that nothing I could say or do would change things - a reality I didn't want to admit. But I know I'm making myself better by fixing myself. I can only wish that I could still be in her life again, as more than a friend. However, that's only wishful thinking, and something that I have to move past.

 

If you ever need a contact buddy to talk about things, you can always PM me. Don't worry, things do get better, and you aren't alone in this. : )

Posted

you mentioned a psychic! Do you think they really exist?

anyway, its tough! Just hang in there and find someone else! Seriously!

Posted

Hope, if it makes you feel any better, I've been there too. But you can't continue to focus on him and the past. That is what is delaying the healing process for you. The more you try and make sense of the senseless, the more you will drag yourself deeper into depression.

 

You need to accept that it is what it is and then make a conscious effort to move forward. You have to stop second guessing everything. What his reasons are for leaving I don't think you'd accept them. None of us ever do.

 

We can change, right? We can be that person they want us to be, right? Nope. If people need us to change to stay, then they aren't the right person for us. You have to be free to be who you truly are. Be true to yourself and the right person will find you.

 

I am sorry you are feeling down. The only way you will start feeling better is to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and start moving forward with your life.

 

I know. I've been there too...

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Posted

Thank you for your kind words. Each of you!

Melrapuo- Iill admit i'm better. I do have more good days now than before. I was a trainwreck the first month! Its tough to be alone sometimes- especially while i work bc im in outside sales and driving alone often, its easy to let your mind wander. I am trying, dont get me wrong. But like you, i get nostalgic when anything reminds me of him and then i break down.

Arise- i dunno if psychics are real or not- at this point, tho, what do i have to lose haha!

Caliguy-I know what you mean by stop dwelling on the past. I've been trying hard to just say, it is what it is. but my analytical mind just doesnt register that. i want to ask why, how, really???? answers you're right, ill never be satisfied with unless they sound like "i made a mistake and i want you back."

I think alot of the issue was just that were in two different places right now. and although i know we could have both compromised without losing ourselves, he didnt want to try. i did.

i guess the part thats ironic in all this is- i have alot of confidence...ive got myself together in soooo many ways. i like to be successful. this failure is just bringing me down. how could something so important to me mean nothing to him suddenly? how could u go from A to B so quickly and not even call me??? IM WORTH A DAMN PHONE CALL!

Posted

Hope, I'm sorry you're feeling so blah today. If it makes you feel better, I'm experiencing the same thing you are. It's such a roller coaster of emotions. But you know what, you're a strong woman and you're going to get through it and find a man who truly values you for the kind and beautiful person you are.

Posted

Hope - when I read your first post it was like I was readin what I'm going through. The only difference is that I'm still in contact (but mainly by email and probably only cause we work together) with him.

 

I can't understand how things can change from one week to the next. One week we are happy, the next he says things aren't right as we want different things right now and the spark isn't there any more. How? Why? will it change?

 

Its been just over 2 weeks for me and I still find it hard to get up in the mornings and motivate myself to have a life, a life without him in it. Part of me is still holding onto what ever little hope I have, hoping that things might change, that he might realise what a mistake he's made (I guess hope is the last thing to die). On the other hand I know that I cannot go on and live my life holding noto shreds of hope.... I know I had a life before I met him and I was a confident person..... I need to be that person.

 

As for the psychic.... I know I've wondered about it too, wondered if some one can put me out of this misery (and I know that some people will feel inclined to say I can put myself out of this misery). Just for some one to tell me, I can see it, you will be happy again. There is/isn't a future (for definite).... but hey, I'll just keep wondering....

 

HopeDiesLast, I hope we will both get through this horrible phase and come out the other end better people for it. If it helps, you are not alone!

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Posted

Ingenue- Today i am LIVID. So freaking mad i could seriously kill him. i could storm into his job and say "you sorry jerk....i am not garbage. i am worth a phone call. i am fine with out you and rather thankful (both lies) you're out of my life. and i am not disposable. you can just break up with me and throw me away your selfish a**hole."

Beee- that damn hope, it won't go away. it keeps me stuck where i am. its gonna fade as reality kicks in, ive noticed its begun to. and that only makes me more depressed and mad.

How long was your relationship?

Posted

I was with him for 6 months.... not that long I know, but after the initial surprise (as we are quite different) things seemed to be going so well.... he even hinted at things being very serious between us....

How long was your relationship?

 

I know, the hope is still there, and for me I know, will be there for a long time, that's the kind of person I am. I keep holing that something will happen, we will be in a situation where he will miss me so much and realise what a mistake he's made....

But then, would I take some one back who has hurt me so much?

 

I guess people get used to hope and that's how it affects you less.... and you get used to the other peson not being there any more.... quite sad!

 

Mad and angry is a better place to be in than sad and depressed.... people say its a sign you are healing and slowly moving on.....

I sometimes get angry and try and hold on to that feeling, but it generally (and unfortunately) doesn't last very long.....

 

People have suggested making lists of what used to make you angry about him when you were together, or things that bothered you.... I can't say I have done that, but it might work for you??

Posted

if anger helps you move on then I should be in good shape soon b/c I could scarcely be angrier - I just found out yesterday that he is dating someone who lives in my bldg - now that is out of line, things were never completely resolved btwn us - we were still seeing one another (and sleepiong together) until very recently - including, apparently, while this was going on w/ this girl. I am so angry and so hurt. I don't know what to do

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Posted

i don't know what to do either citizen67...i guess when there is no other choice, you just do nothing and let it pass. im so angry today i cant put it into words. im a great catch- why the f*** would you leave me???? why are you not calling me? to help me along??? ITS NOT HELPING. i just want to tell him what i want to say and be done with it. ugh, i never thought id say it but i hate him right now. seriously.

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Posted

Beee- i did the lists....it helps sometimes. other times i cant bring myself to look at it. i dont know what else to do now.

Posted
Beee- i did the lists....it helps sometimes. other times i cant bring myself to look at it. i dont know what else to do now.

 

 

Try and get out some..

 

Go out with friends.. even take that date of the guy you really don't want to go out with.. it would be good for you to start putting yourself first...

Posted

it's not been long... don't beat yourself up, you have a long path ahead of you.

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Posted

i did that- went out with this guy, hung out with him. made it clear i had just gotten out of a relatioship. and then i felt guilty when he asked how interested i was- cus i had no answers for him. ive joined yoga, gone out with friends, caught up with family, given myself small projects.....and still i cant seem to get past this.

yes im getting better- if only a little. maybe 5% letting go. which is better than nothing. i even speak to a counselor now. why does he do this to me? why doesnt he want me? thats all i keep asking.

i deserve better than this. i just wanted him to step it up.

Posted

That's what I'm scared about when it comes to making a list.... to start thinking about him even more than I alredy.... sure, start with the bad things and then my mind will surely drift to the good things... and then as you say Hope... I probably would dread looking at it again....

 

Have you ever been the one to leave some one? If so, can you remember how you felt when you left them? what your thoughts were? and whether you wanted to contact them or not....?

Every one is different, but maybe he's scared that by contacting you he might hurt you more? (I like to see the good side to people first - or try at least - than think they are just plain mean).....

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Posted

he told me thats exactly why he wont talk to me. he doesnt want to hurt me more. but i feel like i need answers! no matter how unsatisfied ill be with them.

no i have never done the leaving.....so i cant answer that question.

its like that movie Someone Like You- if my theory is wrong-that all men leave women bc they lose interest- then its just that men always leave ME. :(

Posted
he told me thats exactly why he wont talk to me. he doesnt want to hurt me more. but i feel like i need answers! no matter how unsatisfied ill be with them.

 

It's strange how we always want answers isn't it? But I spoke to a friend yesterday who gave me a moment of clarity. He asked me, why it was so important to me that I needed answers to those questions. The only response I told him was because "I just did, for closure". He then asked whether I would be happy with any response that my ex gave me to those unasked questions. "Would it matter what he said," he asked me. "You're broken up."

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Posted

i guess it wouldnt matter. like i said, i just want this to be a big mistake. i want him to realize what hes lost- to come back and want to try. THATS the answer i want. BC i cant accept that this is what he REALLY wants. i cant. I felt the connection. i know what we had. where did it go on his side?

Posted

Hope - again I know exactly how you're feeling!

 

I managed to get some answers out of my ex 3 days after we broke up, and that's cause I kept insisting I wanted/needed to see him bacause I wanted answers.... beacuse I thought he owed me answers....

I dind't like what I heard.... he wasn't in the same place, he felt the spark was gone, he didn't know what he wanted....

These answers generated more questions, questions which I still have and don't have the courage to ask him.....

 

Are you and your ex not talking at all? If so, how long has it been?

 

The hope that today he might ring me/email me/txt me/turn up outside my house just to tell me what an idiot he's been is still strong....

but then, would you take some one back who has put you through this?

Posted
i guess it wouldnt matter. like i said, i just want this to be a big mistake. i want him to realize what hes lost- to come back and want to try. THATS the answer i want. BC i cant accept that this is what he REALLY wants. i cant. I felt the connection. i know what we had. where did it go on his side?

 

When I first was dumped, I had the exact same response. I wanted him to realise that he had made the biggest mistake in his life. I wanted him to realise that I was the best thing in his life. We had a great connection. We clicked. But I have this moment of clarity (and I'm not sure how long it's going to last). For whatever reason on his part, he didn't connect with me anymore. Does it matter whether it's because he found somebody else or if he just lost interest or if it wasn't the right place or time for us or for any other reasons? No, the end result is the same. Does it matter that we were together for 5 years or named our future children or went engagement ring shopping? No, the end result is the same. For whatever reason on his part, he didn't connect with me anymore.

 

Today I see it all so clearly. If he had continued in the relationship, and we had gotten married and had the children, it would have been a mistake on his part. For whatever reason, being with me at this point in his life, would have been a mistake. He needs to clear something up in his mind, to date others to find answers to questions that only he can resolve. He needs to find his own path in life and if he stumbles, it's his mistake to make.

 

Do I hate him? No, I don't. He did exactly what he needed to do at that point in his life because no person should have to live a life with regrets. I am not anyone's mistake. I am a woman who deserves to be loved completely and fully by a man who knows he wants to be with me. When I put myself in his shoes, I can't help but think that if I too were having doubts, I'd also want to explore my path in life. I just wouldn't dump him by email

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Posted

Beee- we havent literally talked since june 10th, 2 days after the break up. there have been some texts, but nothing crazy. i asked recently to talk to him, but that was it. no begging, no pleading, no asking why. nothing. i have too much pride for that.

Ingenue- you are so right its almost SCARY. i know all of what you said. and i dont hate him at all. im empathetic actually. i get it. i really do. i just wish getting it would make it easier. sometimes i just need to be reminded. Every word you said i feel.

there are some posts from other LS'ers ill have to repost for all of you. i reread them every night. it makes me come to terms with this and get through the time at night when i would say good night and i love you to him.

i hate when you're/i'm right!

Posted

I could have written exactly the same post myself. The exact same thing happened to me. Great guy, total connection, he took off and that was that. Haven't seen him since the day he walked out the door over a year ago. I'm still very much in mourning, but it has gotten better. I do feel better than I did a year ago.

 

I guess the only thing we can do is take comfort in that, keep moving forward, and hope we meet a person we can feel that way about again someday.

 

Mine did eventually call me, by the way, almost a year after he dumped me. He was all jovial and trying to chat with me like I was his old buddy, like I'd just be over it all. I couldn't believe it. I told him I loved him totally, completely, and unconditionally, but I couldn't be his friend. And that was that. Haven't heard from him since.

 

It's really hard when you know they actually are good people. My ex is one of the coolest people I've ever met, and it breaks my heart that he doesn't want me in his life. But all we can do is tell ourselves we're good people too, and just try to move on.

Posted
When I first was dumped, I had the exact same response. I wanted him to realise that he had made the biggest mistake in his life. I wanted him to realise that I was the best thing in his life. We had a great connection. We clicked.....

 

Today I see it all so clearly. If he had continued in the relationship, and we had gotten married and had the children, it would have been a mistake on his part. For whatever reason, being with me at this point in his life, would have been a mistake.

 

Do I hate him? No, I don't. He did exactly what he needed to do at that point in his life because no person should have to live a life with regrets. I am not anyone's mistake. I am a woman who deserves to be loved completely and fully by a man who knows he wants to be with me. When I put myself in his shoes, I can't help but think that if I too were having doubts, I'd also want to explore my path in life.

 

Thank you for writing this. It is a great comfort to me right now. I just got dumped by my bf of 2 years just 9 days ago.... and not b/c he doesn't love; I know he's miserable without me right now and trying to fill a void (and erase me out of his life- well, at least his myspace page!). But he broke up with me b/c he developed issues regarding my son that were preventing him from being happy about a future together. A lot of my friends are mad at his reasons, but I don't fault him b/c he's just being honest with me and he knows he cannot give me what I deserve. It's just hard to accept; we're so miserable right now b/c we're not together, but, I could never ask him to do something (get married) that he is not completely onboard with. But I tell ya.... I almost wish it was angry, bitter, break-up, b/c in a way it would be easier to get over. I have never in my life felt as bad as I do at the moment- can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus.... I'm better than I was a week ago, but no where near normal. I don't even remember what normal was like before my ex entered my life.

 

Anyways, just wanted to contribute my two cents. It a bit comforting to know there are others out there that feel the same way I do, cause I know my friends and family are just anxious for me to move on and stop grieving for the future I was so sure I was going to share w/me ex....

Posted

VAMama - I'm so sorry about your break up. I will tell you that it gets better, it really does. It's only been about two months since my ex broke up with me and after those first initial weeks where I was plastered on the floor crying, I've had mostly good days since. It is a difficult situation when the two people who break up love each other. But sometimes circumstances in life and love don't quite mesh. At least your break up wasn't angry and bitter.

 

You should take the time you need to grieve. It's always easier for others to just say "get over it", especially if they're not in the situation. As others have told me, allow yourself to mourn and to heal.

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