I need a man's - what does my husband want?

[nicht]

So I am new to this forum and site - but I desperately need a man's opinion on something.

My husband is a very non-communicative type of personality. It is very difficult for him to talk about things with other people and he may even have some form of social anxiety disorder as well as depression - but refuses to see a therapist or take medications.

About five years ago, our marriage was pretty rocky - at least from his perspective. He had finished college and was not getting hired in the field of his career which made him extremely unhappy. Then - because he was unhappy with that, it was much easier for him to find fault with things I did, our relationship, our kids, and pretty much anything in general. He was drinking quite a bit and was an extremely unhappy person.

Well, the one time I am not with him at a friend's wedding, because I had a previous committment, he runs into an old high school girlfriend. This is the only girl he ever dumped by the way - otherwise it was always his girlfriends dumping him. So - he has security/confidence issues already from being rejected by women, as well as he never really felt loved by his parents.

He gets involved with the old girlfriend for about three months. He finally couldn't take the guilt and tells me, we work through things and moved on and things were good again. Actually they were very good.

So - fast forward five years - and he is even more depressed than he was before (again) because he has still not gotten hired in his career field and feels like he never will. Then - I became pregnant because we weren't careful one time. We were always very careful - but slipped up one time.

We didn't have the baby - we couldn't afford to do so, and he was working a job that he was gone 3-4 nights a week, and neither one of us wanted more children as we already had a boy and a girl who were entering thier teen years. He never once said he wanted that baby. Never. Until he started seeing that same woman again because he says he was so messed up over not having that baby. What the hell?

I think he is lying. I think that is a convenient excuse to not have to deal with the truth and reality of why he started seeing her again - he is/was depressed and she makes him feel good about himself. That's what the other woman does is makes the man feel good about himself - because the wife is a life partner and doesn't always try to be the sexy woman waiting to do the man's every bidding. (Sorry ladies - it is true.)

I am reality. She is fantasy. I am the truth and responsibilities (along with the kids) and the obligations and the financial worries. (By the way I have a very good job and we make about the same amount of money - so I am not "dependent" on him.) He never has to talk with her about how to deal with the kids' problems/issues. He never is told by her to take out the garbage or asked if someone is going to mow the lawn. He never has to deal with in-laws or family obligations with her. He never has to live in reality with her. He can live in fantasty land with her, until he has to leave to come home.

She feeds his ego, does whatever he wants (including severing all ties with her friends and stays home waiting for him to call and doesn't go anywhere anymore), basically serves him like a subservient being, has sex with him, and tells him that she loves him and always has and neer forgot about him (that is an ego booster for anyone). She tells him how she wishes she was his wife and the mother of his children and that she would never treat him the way I do (which frankly isn't bad - I treat him very well - but I do expect him to be an adult and be my partner in life - not my master - which he never had a problem with before she came along). This chick has stalked him our entire marriage. She told him (and I) that she kept track of him from the day we got married. She knows every town we have ever lived in, every place he has ever worked, knows our children's names and ages, and feels like she "knows me". Bull****. She is a crazy ass stalker that I should really get a restraining order against.

I know he is still seeing her even though he tells me he isn't and that he wants his family and doesn't want a divorce. But - I saw him with her last Friday, and it is killing me to not tell him I know. I feel like I am losing my mind and am seriously going to have a mental breakdown. I am having horrible dreams - seeing our wedding and everything is the same but it is her in my dress and it's like I never existed, him yelling terrible nasty things at me, and sitting in divorce court while I'm crying my eyes out and he is kissing her - just all sorts of crazy stuff. Dreams to the point I don't sleep more than 4-5 hours at a shot before I wake up and have to leave our bedroom to just watch t.v. or go on the computer to get my mind off the dreams.

I love this man with all my heart and soul and I do understand (while I am not making excuses for him or his behavior) his insecurities (about being rejected by everyone, the career, etc.) and understand that those insecurities and lack of self confidence and depression drive a lot of his poor and wrong choices/decisions. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I think about taking vacation by myself and just can't do it - because without him to share it with - I don't want to go. I think about moving out - but I don't want to leave my house with all of my handed-down family things and him in it and frankly, I can't afford a place of my own either. I think about getting divorced if he can't stop seeing her, and the thought of dating or seeing someone new makes me want to throw up. I am only 36 years old - but we have been married 15 years in December and together 16.

I feel out of control. I have no sense of security or safety for my future with this man at this time. We haven't had sex in about a year - not for my lack of trying. He will hug me, give me a peck on the lips, rub my back occasionally, or lie close to me in bed - but nothing more. I am so emotionally and physically lonely. I need to feel valued, appreciated, beautiful and loved and cherished.

He won't leave me - but can't leave her out of our lives so we can go forward from here. He doesn't want his kids to know what he has done because he knows they will hate him. He doesn't want to lose "everything" as he puts it. But - yet - he can't stop seeing her - or won't stop - and is keeping that wall up and keeping me out.

When he started seeing her this time, she was engaged and left her fiance and moved back to our area to be "with him" as she put it to me. Oh yeah - we've had confrontations. She came to my house. What was I supposed to do? Invite her in for coffee? Ah no - I physically pushed her and told her to get the hell off my property and that if she didn't stay away from my kids, my house, and me that I wouldn't be nearly so nice the next time I ran into her. I never said a word about him - that's his choice - I can't make them stop seeing each other. But - I can protect my children, myself and home from her.

What am I supposed to do here? What am I supposed to think?

Why would he lie to me and tell me he isn't seeing her? If he really wanted to leave his family and me to be with her (like she claims) why wouldn't he just do that? Why would he try to cover up his actions if he really wanted out? You'd think if he was finished with our marriage and wanted her - he would take action.

Please - I need a male perspective here. Try to help me understand if he is conflicted about what he wants to do - or if he is just threading me along because he is afraid of having to pay child support, not being financially stable anymore, and splitting up his family. By the way - he has always been emotionally invested in our relationship and it was never about the money so I find it hard to believe that if he was leaving us for her - that he would have issues with paying what he needed to.

We both (from what he says anyway) took our vows very seriously and believe in the bond of marriage. But - I don't know how much more I can hang in there and hope he makes a decision.

Please give me any opinions/advice you can. Whatever you can tell me is appreciated!

[norajane]

I'm not a man, but I'll give it a try since you haven't gotten any other replies.

 

What am I supposed to do here? What am I supposed to think?

Why would he lie to me and tell me he isn't seeing her? If he really wanted to leave his family and me to be with her (like she claims) why wouldn't he just do that? Why would he try to cover up his actions if he really wanted out? You'd think if he was finished with our marriage and wanted her - he would take action.

 

Please - I need a male perspective here. Try to help me understand if he is conflicted about what he wants to do - or if he is just threading me along because he is afraid of having to pay child support, not being financially stable anymore, and splitting up his family. By the way - he has always been emotionally invested in our relationship and it was never about the money so I find it hard to believe that if he was leaving us for her - that he would have issues with paying what he needed to.

 

We both (from what he says anyway) took our vows very seriously and believe in the bond of marriage. But - I don't know how much more I can hang in there and hope he makes a decision.

 

Please give me any opinions/advice you can. Whatever you can tell me is appreciated!

Yes, he's conflicted. Of course he is. But only in the sense that he won't choose between two options - his life with you, and the one he would have with OW if he did leave you. He is not conflicted in the sense that he knows he wants both of you, each for what you give to him. He doesn't want to lose either of you...he likes things just the way they are. He won't tell you about her because he doesn't want you to know...he likes the status quo.

 

You seem to know a lot about what she does for him, what goes on between them, and it doesn't sound like your H is the one who told you. How do you know about all that? Has she told you? I wouldn't necessarily trust her word on everything. While she might or might not be deliberately lying, she is telling you things from her perspective (not your H's), and even the things he says to her might very be lies, just like he lies to you. So, she is not the expert on what your H wants to do or is thinking.

 

Your H will continue his dual-life as long as both you and OW let him. Meaning, one of you will have to put her foot down and force him to choose. I'd suggest you tell him that you saw him with her, that you know he has started is affair again, and that you do not want to be married to a man who is having an affair. Tell him that unless he cuts her out of his life completely and starts going to marriage counseling with you, that you will be speaking to a lawyer. You have to show him that you mean business.

 

I know you're afraid he will choose her, but really, if he wanted her, it's not like he didn't have the chance to leave you when you found out about the affair the first time.

 

Even if he won't go to counseling, you should go by yourself. You will need the support to get through this.

 

Good luck.

[nicht]

Yes - she has told me many many things - we compared "notes" so to speak - but not in a friendly manner, so yes, she probably embellished a bit on her end. He lies to both of us. He tells both of us he loves us us and doesn't want to lose us. Tells both of us he doesn't want to be alone. Thing is - he knows I don't want to be alone either - in particular - without him.

I actually was going to talk to an attorney today - just to get the facts about my options, costs, etc. - but I didn't have time because of work obligations.

We did see a marriage counselor this spring - he hated her. And - she did go after him a few times about things rather than working with us. But - yes - I do need to go back to counseling just for myself - can't stop the dreams and not sleeping and probably should be on some anti-depressants myself for a while too.

Our home environment is a stable calm place for him to be - and I make it that way - as does he. I want to shake him, slap him, and yell at him most days - but don't because it wouldn't do any good anyway. I want to work through this - so I need to stay calm and focused on making him see that our home and our family is the best thing he has in his life. But - that is hard work for me - and very very stressful for me to just let some things go and put them aside for now - so I need the counseling and possibly the meds.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do appreciate your response!

[Jake Barnes]

A man needs paragraph breaks

[fubarred]

What does he want?... He wants to keep his family, but he also wants what the other woman is giving him emotionally. It's clear that you understand his reasoning behind the affair, so you have to make the choice - Can you get passed his dumbass actions enough to provide what she provides for him?

 

It's a terrible situation to be in, I know. On one hand you have been hurt very badly and he owes you... but on the other hand, he still has the same needs that drove him to the other woman in the first place. If they continue to go unmet, it's just going to happen again...

[LoyalGirl]

"A man needs paragraph breaks"

 

That made me laugh out loud! Funny!

[Mr. Lucky]

Your H will continue his dual-life as long as both you and OW let him. Meaning, one of you will have to put her foot down and force him to choose. I'd suggest you tell him that you saw him with her, that you know he has started is affair again, and that you do not want to be married to a man who is having an affair. Tell him that unless he cuts her out of his life completely and starts going to marriage counseling with you, that you will be speaking to a lawyer. You have to show him that you mean business.

Good advice that you should follow for two reasons:

 

1). Taking some action (rather than waitng for him to decide) will make you feel better. You've been disenfranchised in your own marriage and making a decision to go forward will empower you in both your eyes.

 

2). It gets him out of his current fantasyland of having both of you.

 

Don't you deserve better than a sexless marriage with a man that seems to be in love with another woman ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

File for divorce. Nice wake-up call for him. Healing for you.

 

He's weak. Trust me, I know. I've been there. Long story, no time, no excuses. He's also afraid. He'll never tell you that. He's emotionally detached from you. I recognize the symptoms well.

 

It sucks that you get betrayed and then have to be the strong one besides. I empathize with you.....

[luvstarved]

I totally agree with the ultimatum. He is continuing this way because he is allowed to. You might be afraid that he will not choose you but I don't see that that is any less likely than him choosing her.

 

If he has half a brain he already knows that the grass is not greener over there. It is only fun as long as it is all fun. He has history children, a whole life with you. I don't see him giving that up...he's probably just attached to the ego boosts he gets from her.

 

Meanwhile, you sound like an unusually understanding and calm woman. Maybe in his eyes this has translated to boredom...??? Maybe he WANTS you to fight for him...

 

Nobody here can tell you what is going on in his mind, just offer food for thought.

 

But...no matter what he is thinking, I think your only reasonable move is to blow this open and tell him you're not going to accept it anymore.

 

I know it is easier said than done...but I think you need to. His response will tell you what his priorities are and where his loyalties lie. And you need to know this.

[syz]

time to follow th head and not the heart. Ask him to move out, start to 180 his ass. Take care of you, build your life, begin moving on. You are doing this for you and your healing. If anything will cause his head to pop out of his ass this is it.

 

Let him have a huge dose of exgf without the comfort of home, family, his life etc. Let him find out just how great his fantasy is by giving him the gift of making it reality.

[nicht]

Just want to say thank you to everyone for your thoughts on this issue. This - telling him to get out and have his fantasy if that is what he wants - filing for divorce, etc. - are what I have been thinking about anyway. I have no other options left. I have tried everything.

But - sometimes it helps to hear it from a third party who isn't involved in any way or knows either one of us.

Thanks!

[Agent_99]

Just want to say thank you to everyone for your thoughts on this issue. This - telling him to get out and have his fantasy if that is what he wants - filing for divorce, etc. - are what I have been thinking about anyway. I have no other options left. I have tried everything.

But - sometimes it helps to hear it from a third party who isn't involved in any way or knows either one of us.

Thanks!

 

My ex H and I went through something very similar to your story. I so desperatly wanted to save our marriage and he was torn between me and possible life with OW. We actually seperated for several weeks,(his choice) then he did this back and forth thing, until finally I told him that I couldn't handle it, and I was done until he decided for sure what he wanted he was out of my life.

 

Several days later she was on the bus going to her mom's and he was at home with me. It still took us almost a year to heal from this. And honestly we never completly recovered. But we did have a pretty awesome relationship. We both learned a lot about ow to intentionally connect with each other.

 

What really struck me with your story was the nightmares. I had similar nightmares. The actions in the dream are the always different, but the deep sense of hurt is the same in all my dreams. The pain I feel and always them laughing at me, or kissing, or even making live in front of me.

 

They never completly went away. During stressful times in our life together they would come back. Even now that we divorced, it still occasionally happens. The crazy part of that is that i was the one who left, and I no longer have those kinds of feelings for him.

 

~99

[nicht]

We were apart for about 3 1/2 weeks in June. I left June 1st and took the kids and we stayed at my parents for 3 1/2 weeks until I think June 25th when we went back home. During the time we were apart, I did talk to him - but probably shouldn't have at all. I was afraid for his own safety since he is so depressed and so I didn't want to make him feel like I abandoned him forever so that he would possibly do something to himself. Yes - I know - I can't be responsible for his behavior - but we have two kids together and if nothing else, he needs to be around for them.

He called me every day a couple of times a day when we were apart. He wanted us to come home. I finally told him I was coming back home because that was where my home was and the kids' home - but that if he couldn't handle that then he needed to leave. He didn't. But - he probably should have. If he wants to live life with his girlfriend - then he should do so instead staying at our house living a lie.

I am still having bad dreams but I think I am actually entering a new phase of anger. I am still very calm with him and very calm at home. But - I am very close to telling him to pack up his crap and to move in with her or go somewhere else. He basically is my "room mate" rather than my husband. He participates with the kids and what-not, but our relationship is very surface only. I deserve more than that. I still strongly believe in keeping my marriage together - but I won't sacrifice my integrity or my morals to let him keep me as his "partner" with the family and the finances and the home but yet keep his girlfriend for all of his emotional and romantic needs. That is just B.S. and if that is what he thinks he is going to do - then he is going to move his ass out of my house.

This may all come to a head this week-end I have a feeling. I am building and building in my courage to have this conversation with him. But - we'll have plenty of time this week-end to, at some point, get into this issue. I don't plan to yell or cry or lecture him - I just plan to be blunt and tell him to choose once and for all and that if he doesn't, he is leaving.

[Agent_99]

It is good to confront this head on. When I told XH that I was done unless he decided once and for all, I meant it. I couldn't handle the emotional rollercoaster of what he was doing. I asked him to leave with his cloths and personal items, that once he decided he could come back for the rest. He went to her. It hurt, but in the end he came to me. Honestly I should have pushed the issue of counseling then, he went a few times, but stopped once he had made his choice.

 

Blunt and upfront is the best way to go. I hope that whatever happens you remeber to take care of yourself too. This is not an easy thing by any means to go through. And I'll say something about you that I've been told many many times, You seem to have a level head and good perspective on this. Personally that never helps me any when dealin with emotions, but what the heck. .

 

~99

[american-woman]

Sorry you are going through this. Many say this is worse than going through the death of someone. I know been there done that

Usually the best way to end an affair is to EXPOSE EXPOSE to everyone on both sides. That blows it out of the water and exposes them for what they are.You wanna fight for your marriage ? It wont be pretty but it can be done. Remember this isnt about you or your fault.

 

Get your ducks in a row finances ect. Get a restraining order against her. DO NOT leave your home that only enables them to carry on their affair.

Tell your WH you want to remain married but not with 3 people involved. Have him sign a NO Contact letter and you both sign it and send it to her.

 

You know she is fullfilling some of his needs, find out what they are and you fullfill those needs. Make your home the most wonderful place he can come home too. In the meantime take care of yourself. If you need see your doctor it helps. Also I would suggest http://www.marriagebuilders.com