tjr Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Hi, I've been married for 3 years been with the person for 1 known them for 5-6years. We met online from gaming. We had met in person etc, and decided we could try for a real go. So I decided to move down to my husbands country. We lived together for a year and decided to make it official. He is a nice, good and caring guy. I am the one at fault here. I have not met any of our commitment goals... eg learning the language, getting a proper job, and now the presure to have children. I feel I should not have a child when if I lost my husband for whatever reason I would not beable to support it in any fashion. And yet I give nothing substantial to our relationship to justify how he supports and cares for me. I think I am at a mental block, and I just can't seem to pass it. I've been thinking more and more lately that I should just go back home, hope to work my inturnal issues out, and see where that leaves us. But I think that if I left I would not return. I really want to give him what he diserves, a loving, caring, wife. But at times I find that very hard to give him. I care for him, I appreciate everything he does for me. I know he loves me. I don't want to put him though the pain of this, but I fear if I cant get myself sorted out it will turn into a very long and bitter life for both of us.
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 It sounds like you don't love him, enough to stay married. And, that's OK - Better now before you do have children. Sounds like you need to find "you". Grow as a woman, be secure, independant (you shouldn't ever NEED a man to take care of you), self efficent etc.. You can do this, but I do wonder why you aren't learning his native language and/or trying to find a job?
Ronni_W Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 You are right to follow your instinct that it is not the right time in your life to even consider getting pregnant -- congratulations on your insight, and for staying strong about your decision to wait It is worth considering that you ARE contributing to your marriage, in many intangible ways. You obviously hold your husband in high esteem, you appreciate him, care about him, respect him. I would guess that he values your feelings for him very much. They may even be his 'foundation' that makes everything else in his life easier to deal with. I also guess that you do contribute to the upkeep of the household, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. (Not because you are a woman, but because you are at home to be able to do those things for BOTH of you.) What do you need (from yourself) in order to start the language classes? Have you checked what community resources are available to assist newcomers with settling in? Talk with your husband. It is unfair if you just decided that HE thinks you're not contributing in substantial ways -- most likely those are just your own self-critical judgments because of how you're feeling about yourself. Ask him for help in finding language classes. When he introduces you to his colleagues, friends and family, make a point of engaging them in conversation, inviting them to your house or to go out for coffee, ask for their ideas on how you can integrate into the community or places you can use your skills to volunteer, etc. The thing, of course, is that you cannot run away from yourself. If you're struggling with issues like low self-esteem and low self-confidence, yes it is up to you, and your responsibility, to get help with that as soon as possible. coping.org is a good resource, and offers translation into 8 languages -- hopefully yours is on the list (at the bottom of the home page). Best of luck.
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