bigmoney9595 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Hello, I've been reading advice on this board and it seems there's two approaches to to gettting the Ex back: Either you forget them or be thier friend.... What should I do? Here's the sitch - I was a jerk and said somthing very hurtful (that I dont thing nad didn't mean) to my GF, she dumpped me, im very devestated and we're both very hurt... been askign for her forgiveness but she said I broke her trust. She said she needs to be alone, but we can talk, txt, etc... I love her with every once of my soul. Which approach should I take? if I forget about her I can never rebuild her trust, if I be her friend I may chase her further away... I do beleive she still loves me and wants to be with me, but I broke her trust.. help please
4dviceJunki3 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Okay, your situation is a bit different than others because of the fact that you did something to break it off. A lot of times, people have to deal with break-ups with excuses like "I don't know what I want for myself" or "I don't feel the chemistry", you know, excuses that confuse the heck out of the people who were dumped. At least in your case, you acknowledge the fact that you screwed up. Now, breaking the trust is a big thing in a relationship because if you want forgiveness, you're going to have to prove it. What you need to do is either write her a letter or just simply get your words out to her that you are aware of the fact that you screwed up and that you're willing to give anything to get back with her; given that you truly do want this. Once you let her know all this, you complete cut all contact with her and let those words of yours linger in her head while she gets over this. She's heartbroken right now so you have to understand that it's not completely over. She will eventually want to talk to you and she will miss you. Now, once that occurs, she may want to forgive you for what you did depending on the severity of your screw-up. This may take up to several months for it to happen but it eventually will. I've seen couples get back together after one person cheated on the other person and the partner clearly caught the person with no justifying anything. Let her know that your world has become so dark without her and you realize that there isn't anything worth it in this world that you would do to risk losing her again. She needs to feel that comfort that you WILL NEVER screw up again, no matter what the circumstance.
Author bigmoney9595 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 I said somthing that her ex-husband says to her all the time that really gets to her, about the only thing is this world that does. Is it a good sign she's willing to keep the lines of communication open? i've told her many many times that I am truly and deeply sorry, that I didn't mean one word of it, and that I love her with all my heart and soul, and the I would NEVER do anything like that again. she does say she misses me, loves me, and wants to be with me.. but doesn;t know what she wants. Should I just cut it off or keep the lines of communication open lbecasue she says its OK. I'm willing to beg on my knees and do anything for her
4dviceJunki3 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 NO! DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET ON YOUR KNEES AND/OR BEG FOR ANYTHING! You screwed up, OK! Now, you're apologizing and you're doing what a normal human being would do after making a mistake like this. She now needs to take into consideration your request for forgiveness. The way you're saying she told you she misses you and that she loves you, she will eventually forgive you, no doubt about it! She just needs some time to realize that on her own. What you need to do is respect that space and time she needs in order to realize it so keep it NC and she will eventually call you up, trust me!
Author bigmoney9595 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 didn't mean literally begging on my knees... what worries me is im not sure, she's very strong headed and scared of being hurt. She says its not about love, missing or wanting...which I understand, but really really scared she wont be back
nopainnogain Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 What happens if you screwed up ,followed this advice and it worked. Everthing is good but you screw up a few more times? Okay, your situation is a bit different than others because of the fact that you did something to break it off. A lot of times, people have to deal with break-ups with excuses like "I don't know what I want for myself" or "I don't feel the chemistry", you know, excuses that confuse the heck out of the people who were dumped. At least in your case, you acknowledge the fact that you screwed up. Now, breaking the trust is a big thing in a relationship because if you want forgiveness, you're going to have to prove it. What you need to do is either write her a letter or just simply get your words out to her that you are aware of the fact that you screwed up and that you're willing to give anything to get back with her; given that you truly do want this. Once you let her know all this, you complete cut all contact with her and let those words of yours linger in her head while she gets over this. She's heartbroken right now so you have to understand that it's not completely over. She will eventually want to talk to you and she will miss you. Now, once that occurs, she may want to forgive you for what you did depending on the severity of your screw-up. This may take up to several months for it to happen but it eventually will. I've seen couples get back together after one person cheated on the other person and the partner clearly caught the person with no justifying anything. Let her know that your world has become so dark without her and you realize that there isn't anything worth it in this world that you would do to risk losing her again. She needs to feel that comfort that you WILL NEVER screw up again, no matter what the circumstance.
wareagle Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I agree with nopainagain! So you said some hurtful things. The fact is that she ran, she didn't stay and try to work things out! What does happen if you get back together and you screw up again? Is she gonna run for the hills again or stay and do the mature thing and talk it out? You really need to think about if you want this chick in your life who is ready to run over some stupid words!!
4dviceJunki3 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 But he has to also know that if he really loves this girl and wants things to work out, he cannot screw up again. Don't do anything that you wouldn't want her to do, simple as that!
Author bigmoney9595 Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 I'm only human like everyone else, but as far as screwing up I will NEVER do what I did again and also will not talk to her when I'm angry, rather go cool off so I don't regret anything I say and never say or do anything to hurt her again.
Author bigmoney9595 Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 I agree with nopainagain! So you said some hurtful things. The fact is that she ran, she didn't stay and try to work things out! What does happen if you get back together and you screw up again? Is she gonna run for the hills again or stay and do the mature thing and talk it out? You really need to think about if you want this chick in your life who is ready to run over some stupid words!! I totally understand how these words could have such an effect, so I can;t blame her too much for running. She has a lot of fear becasue of her ex-husband who is a bastard and has sever mental issues. I should of never said those things to her, did I know they'd have this type of effect - no way - but can understand it. She's hurt and scared. Can somone please explain (and im not being combative) that how no contact helps? im my sitiation I think staying in contact, being there for her may show her I donlt mean those things and that I'm not walking away, but what do I know... i'm such a mess.
Meaplus3 Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I totally understand how these words could have such an effect, so I can;t blame her too much for running. She has a lot of fear becasue of her ex-husband who is a bastard and has sever mental issues. I should of never said those things to her, did I know they'd have this type of effect - no way - but can understand it. She's hurt and scared. Can somone please explain (and im not being combative) that how no contact helps? im my sitiation I think staying in contact, being there for her may show her I donlt mean those things and that I'm not walking away, but what do I know... i'm such a mess. You ask how NC Helps? By sticking with NC, your not allowing yourself to be emotinally connected. By breaking the emotional connection you are able to move past feelings. It also allows you to see things more clearly. AP:)
absolution Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I have the same question. Although my ex gave me the "I need space" and "Im not sure if we're right for each other" line. Yet she still calls daily and we hung out last weekend. Im debating whether I should just keep it moving, or try to rebuild things.
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