Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Paxton, I'm as confused as Lonely by your metaphor -- it is a metaphor, isn't it??? Lonely...maybe it just means be careful with those romance-inspiring aromatherapy candles after you light them? Nah...that can't be it...can it??? Or maybe, don't drown when you guys go on your next beach vacation. But seriously, DO NOT set your basement on fire without small fans!!! THAT's where this whole thing went off in a ditch. Last time I set the basement on fire, I put candles down there instead of fans! D'oh! That can't be good for feng shui.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 We were talking last night and he said that although he loves me, he doesn't feel emotionally connected to me and hasn't for a long time. That makes everything make sense. I could not fathom how he could repeatedly do the same behaviors over and over again, when he would tell me that he loves me and then willfully do something to hurt me, but that he doesn't feel like he needs me in his heart tells me why: he simply doesn't care. I think he's been trying to push me away so that I'll make the call to end the marriage, relieving him of the guilt of doing it himself, like a coward. And here's the kicker: this devastates me, and I still don't want to end the marriage! God, I feel so stupid. And I'm sitting here, grasping at things like several months ago when I had to go bury my father and he was left here with the kids for a few days while I was away from home. He said things to me on the phone like, "I miss you so much. With you away it feels like half of my soul is gone. It's hard to sleep without you beside me in our bed, like I'm missing half my body." Or when he stood beside our bed a couple of days before this trip, stroking my face as I lay there watching him get ready for work and the way he was looking at me...I smiled and said, "What is it?" And he said, "I just know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're my world. It's love. It's just pure love." I reminded him of these things he's said and he said he's just been trying to force himself to find a re-connect that just isn't there. He said his disconnect is not a constant thing and that he still has times where he does need me, but just not all the time. What do I do with that? I feel so jerked around. He said that these feelings came from his belief that it was I who does not need him emotionally. I haven't done this in the healthiest way, but I do show him that I need him emotionally, perhaps way, way too much. Anyway, at the end of the whole thing (this morning! Gah!) he said that he does not want to divorce but he needs some time to sort things out in his head, and I told him I can give him that because I don't want to end things either. But God, it's hard. I've cried every day for a week now and I'm tired of crying. Intellectually, I think I should just leave and start on a new life where I might find the deep love I'm looking for, but emotionally I'm still stuck in the deep love that I thought we had and I want to fight tooth-and-nail to restore this.
blair08 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 "I think he's been trying to push me away so that I'll make the call to end the marriage, relieving him of the guilt of doing it himself, like a coward". That very well could be the case. There are some people who will purposly try and sabatoge their relationship, in hopes the other one will end it because they don't know, how or don't want to come across as the bad guy. But maybe thats not how it is in your case, I don't know. I understand why you feel that way though, with things maybe seeming wishy washy. I hope things work out for you the way they are supposed to.
Ronni_W Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 he said that although he loves me, he doesn't feel emotionally connected to me and hasn't for a long time. I think he's been trying to push me away so that I'll make the call to end the marriage, relieving him of the guilt of doing it himself, like a coward. ... I feel so jerked around. ... , but I do show him that I need him emotionally, perhaps way, way too much. Intellectually, I think I should just leave and start on a new life where I might find the deep love I'm looking for, (((hugs))) to you, Lonely. Hope things are feeling a tiny bit easier than when you posted. Going back to your first post, I actually can see how he could have gotten disconnected -- not that the perceptions that led him to such a place were accurate (or inaccurate, for that matter) ... just that I can see HOW it might have happened for him, given the dynamics (and only as I interpret them, of course -- my own filter is there, too.) Feel free to 'private message' me, if you wish. For whatever reason, not feeling appropriate to put it down here, at this point. Also my own filter BUT I do think your marriage is definitely salvageable -- in fact, room for so much romance you're REALLY going to be having to keep an eye on them candles
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Ronni, I want to message you but I don't have that option. Not enough posts? Things are not easier now than earlier. I pretty much cry every ten minutes, I'm sure the kids love it. I can't help it. I feel so ripped open.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I reminded him of these things he's said and he said he's just been trying to force himself to find a re-connect that just isn't there. He said his disconnect is not a constant thing and that he still has times where he does need me, but just not all the time. What do I do with that? What I read into your posts is that you've at times felt the same way. We all have. There's an ebb and flow to the intensity and connection in any long-term relationship. The difference is that succesful couples have an ongoing strategy - travel, hobbies together, joint interests, etc. - to re-connect. And with the ongoing power struggle in your marriage, that is what seems to me to be missing. Just my two cents... Mr. Lucky
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Mr. Lucky (and you really are!), I'm trying. I brought up the idea of going out more often, like we used to do, and H said, "But we can't because we don't have a babysitter." We had a permanent sitter who now has a full-time job and a child of her own, so she's rarely available, and we have yet to replace her. I don't know if I can line up a replacement on my own without feeling resentful that he didn't take the initiative to do this for our marriage. Ya know, since he's all game to do poker night and shoot pool at the bar, because he can just use me to keep the kids.
Ronni_W Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Ronni, I want to message you but I don't have that option. Not enough posts? Hey, Gal...get a grip! You have the whole LS community -- well, LOTS of us at any rate -- gonna be working with and supporting you to get this sucker back on track. Right? Right! Ready? ... ??? Drats about that 'no can post' obstacle . I previously went looking for what that magic number for "enough" posts is, but couldn't find it. But, whenever you do get there, feel free to PM me anytime you wish. About what Mr. Lucky said -- the power struggle of "I'm not gonna be the one who does MORE to save my marriage than he does" -- it ain't supporting YOUR OWN goal of saving YOUR marriage. Anyway, "we" are gonna be finding many more challenging things for Hubby to do in the future -- so no real need to sweat being in charge of babysitter hiring, at this stage...or resent it, ever, IMHO. Good news though: there's another something you and Hubby have in common -- "yes, but" syndrome ("Yes, going out just the two of us is a good idea BUT...") I'm also guessing that he is pretty gutted (ripped open) himself -- otherwise he would be wanting a divorce, more likely than not...no??? So...nurture you but also keep him in mind. Whatever else he may lack, he IS hurting, too. Other than that -- how can I help you feel a bit better? Doesn't feel like an awful lot I could do, but let me know if something hits you. Well, no - probably best to just get outta the way, when you see it come flying at you!
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 lol...Ronni, you can make me feel better by making my husband run to me declaring his everlasting adoration and making profound speeches including words like 'to the end of the earth for you', 'I'd perish without you,' and the always effective, 'you complete me.' No? Not within your interwebby powers? Ah, well, I tried. I DID just get a call from him (he's at work) and he said he thinks he can score us some free tennis raquets from a client who is coming in later today. That's one thing we talked about months ago...we live in a swim/tennis neighborhood and have never used the tennis courts. We've both been trying to get more active, and playing tennis seemed like a great idea of something active we could do together, with the bonus of the playground right next to the courts, so the kids will be nearby but occupied. Of course, neither of us took it any farther than talking about it, but he's still got it in mind and still wants to do it! I suppose my next step is, if the freebies don't come to fruition, I'll head to wally-world and buy some. Strike while the iron is hot!
angie2443 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I don't know if I can line up a replacement on my own without feeling resentful that he didn't take the initiative to do this for our marriage. Ya know, since he's all game to do poker night and shoot pool at the bar, because he can just use me to keep the kids. I wish I could tell you something helpful. I realize that I don't know his side of the story, but it sounds like your doing all the work in this marriage and he's just kind of checked out. His going back and forth from telling you he's not emotionally connected to him telling you that he wants to be with him the rest of his life is not good. It sounds almost manipulative. I realize that sometimes one person in a marriage is going to do most of the work, but it can't be all the time. The person doing all the work gets worn down. There has to be balance. Keep us posted.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Angie, that's what I said, but it's not serving me to focus on the negatives right now. I can be every bit as manipulative as he, but manipulation isn't working for me, and sooner or later, it will stop working for him, too.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 I just re-read this, my original thread. And I'm still in the same ****-hole. WTF is wrong with me??? He called from work this morning to tell me that he was wrong...his carpool buddy DID drive today, so why don't I and the kids come down and pick him up at quitting time and we'll all go out for pizza? YEAH!!! PROGRESS!!! Then...he called about two hours before quitting time to say he didn't feel well, maybe we should just go out tomorrow instead. I said, well, if you don't feel well, maybe I should just pick you up now so you can rest? NO! GOTTA WORK! Wife and family time come second again. After some bitching (on his part) about gas prices and wasted time, I went down to pick him up, with all four kids in tow...to have him ignore me at the dealership, then glare at me while he was getting in the car!!! He was a total ass at dinner. The kids were pleading in the car, Please, Daddy, don't fight with Mommy... Then we got home and he lit into me about how I expect too much and went to bed. Good god, I'm a freaking idiot.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 I feel compelled to add...he wasn't sick.
FotoGrl Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Nevermind. Didn't see that there were 8 other pages until after I posted.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Did you even read my new post? Go to #112, then tell me I'm being unreasonable.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 And again, I feel compelled to add that this was the FIRST time he has made plans for us to do something as a family. The first. And he wanted to blow it off and then tell me that I expected too much.
angie2443 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I'm sorry nothing seems to have changed. I was wondering- were you the one who landed a job? I can't remember and looked through the post but didn't find anything that.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 I did. I quit Thursday. I wasn't making money. It was an outside sales job, and although I was selling, it wasn't enough to cover my expenses (child care, gas). I'm all beat up about it, too. Damn stock market and freaking people out. I'm still looking, and sent out two articles today. I write, also. Again, not much pay. I can't wrap my head around the mentality to sacrifice the family for the family good, I suppose. I'm still in 'family comes first!' mode, and that's hard to let go of.
angie2443 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I did. I can't wrap my head around the mentality to sacrifice the family for the family good, I suppose. I'm still in 'family comes first!' mode, and that's hard to let go of. I would usually agree with 'family comes first' except in your situation it is tricky. In your situation staying home with the kids while your marriage (or you) falls apart will eventually tear the family apart. I wish I could tell you something helpful. I don't remember if you had family that could help but it seems like you didn't. Is there anyone else that can help you out? Any kind of a support system?
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 Angie, I have savings to use if something were to become drastic. The problem wasn't with care for the children, it was not financially feasable for me to continue there. It would have cost money. If I'd had more time on draw, I might have been able to make a go. I'm still looking for something else. This tanking economy was not the best time to enter into outside commission-based sales to businesses. A lot of my leads were already closed. It was rough! But I'll keep looking, and doing what I can from home freelancing.
Walk Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I feel really bad about the situation you're in. You definitely deserve better. You're probably a better person then I am, but I believe that people's actions should have consequences. Like when your hubby cancels plans then treats you like a hired hand, and is rude on top of that. I think you should've left him at work. Anyway.. my exH was (somewhat) like how you describe your H. Same mentality of how he's doing it all for "us", yet what I wanted was ignored. Anything that would make me happier was pushed aside because he had to do X thing that he felt would legitimize our life as a couple. It was his perception of the world that ruled, and there was no room for mine. The more I begged, the more distant he became. The harder I fought for what we needed, the more he pushed away. Until I pushed away. Then he became a needy mass of suicidal desperation. I bet the moment you attempt to leave your hubby, that'll be the moment he has his stunning epiphony and *gasp* he will understand how poorly he's treated you. Then you'll cave and stay. He'll go back to the way things were. You'll get fed up again, and leave. He'll manipulate you emotionally. If that doesn't work, he'll scare you financially. Sorry... maybe your hubby won't. Maybe I'm just projecting. Sure sounds like my exH though.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 13, 2008 Author Posted October 13, 2008 Yeah, Walk, that's exactly what's going on. It's so draining. That's why I insisted that he follow through. If I'd left him at work, then he would have gotten what he wanted: not going out with us. I think I've just spent too long letting everyone else have whatever they want and not, uh, taking anything for myself. No more! And yeah, the moment I say That's it! and pull back my heart, he comes to me on his knees begging and pleading and offering me the world. We've done that dance so many times, it's pretty sick. One thing in my favor is that I've handled our finances all along, so even though he has access to our savings, it would take him a while to figure out where they are. For me, it's just a click away. He's the one who should be scared financially.
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