Dealing with anger while he is away

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry, but if that's what a man's thinking that his wife is doing while she is staying at home with a bunch of kids, then he is an idiot.

I agree 100%. What I was trying to imply in my post is that perhaps she is being just as unreasonable in her approach to his travel.

He's in sales, cars specifically, so it's all commission. No sale, no money. So it's not his bosses making him go to work, it's car buyers. He sets appointments with them when he's supposed to be off.

That approach is what separates a top salesman from a middle-of-the-pack guy. Are you sending him a mixed message by endorsing the financial lifestyle but questioning the means necessary to achieve it? There aren't a whole lot of well-paying 9 to 5, Monday through Friday jobs out there anymore...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I agree 100%. What I was trying to imply in my post is that perhaps she is being just as unreasonable in her approach to his travel.

 

That approach is what separates a top salesman from a middle-of-the-pack guy. Are you sending him a mixed message by endorsing the financial lifestyle but questioning the means necessary to achieve it? There aren't a whole lot of well-paying 9 to 5, Monday through Friday jobs out there anymore...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't require a lot of money. I value my family over money. Enough is plenty. If he values being top salesman over being good husband, then he is not the guy for me. There has to be a balance. Yes, work and provide for the family, but not at the cost of the family, see?

[angie2443]

I agree 100%. What I was trying to imply in my post is that perhaps she is being just as unreasonable in her approach to his travel.

 

That approach is what separates a top salesman from a middle-of-the-pack guy. Are you sending him a mixed message by endorsing the financial lifestyle but questioning the means necessary to achieve it? There aren't a whole lot of well-paying 9 to 5, Monday through Friday jobs out there anymore...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My husband works a 9 to 5 job. There are plenty of them. He loves his work and makes decent money. We're not rich, but I wouldn't want to have a high money lifestyle if that meant him bieng gone all the time.

 

Lonelyandfustrated, this is a good point though. Are you fine with having a little less money to have your husband in a more typical 9 to 5 type job. As you can see from what I've wrote above, I prefer this. If my husband started working crazy hours to advance his career more, this would be a deal breaker for me

 

I wrote the above before reading your last post. Sorry.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Lonelyandfustrated, this is a good point though. Are you fine with having a little less money to have your husband in a more typical 9 to 5 type job. As you can see from what I've wrote above, I prefer this. If my husband started working crazy hours to advance his career more, this would be a deal breaker for me

 

 

The thing is, it's not up to me. I've asked him to work elsewhere so he won't have to travel and he refused to consider it. He only has about 300 other options in our area, without changing fields.

 

His hours are really good where he is now, mostly 9-5, it's just all the added hours he brings on himself that bother me, and that's only when it interferes with my plans. If I don't need him home, no biggie.

 

His plane will be landing in about 15 minutes. i wonder if he'll come home. Or even call. I guess if he doesn't, I'll have my answer about how much this family means to him.

[Rorocher]

He's in sales, cars specifically, so it's all commission. No sale, no money. So it's not his bosses making him go to work, it's car buyers. He sets appointments with them when he's supposed to be off. He could be lying about all of it, I don't know (trust issues!).

 

I don't bitch him out. He'd probably say I do, but I don't yell and scream. Being calm when expressing displeasure is so much more effective at making him crazy. (I'm partly joking, partly not. Guilty!) He has told me that he admires me for having such strong values and sticking to them.

 

He helps with the kids sometimes, but often he'll also go into our room, shut the door, and flip on the TV. I typically allow him that time unless I seriously need him for something (like that time when one kid was throwing up the bathroom and another was doing the same thing in the kitchen and the dog was trying to get to it, bleh).

 

Sales jobs, those are indeed tricky. Like you yourself said, no sale, no money. If meeting a customer outside regular work hours cinches the sale, how much choice does he really have in the matter? I don't know.

 

Was there ever a time when he was working regular hours? does his take home pay compare to what he brings home now? It's one thing to say you don't require a lot of money to live, I admire that. But what about saving for a rainy day? Emergencies crop up and then what happens? the extra cash tend to come in handy then.

 

I would say a few work travels or a few extra hours at work does not a workhaholic make, but you know him better than we do. If you do feel he's taking you for granted, then you have to do something about that.

 

You said the kids are at school, what do you do during the day when they are gone?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I still have one at home, he starts school next year.

[angie2443]

The thing is, it's not up to me. I've asked him to work elsewhere so he won't have to travel and he refused to consider it. He only has about 300 other options in our area, without changing fields.

 

His hours are really good where he is now, mostly 9-5, it's just all the added hours he brings on himself that bother me, and that's only when it interferes with my plans. If I don't need him home, no biggie.

 

His plane will be landing in about 15 minutes. i wonder if he'll come home. Or even call. I guess if he doesn't, I'll have my answer about how much this family means to him.

 

I'm getting the sense that something else is going on here. He doesn't seem to allow you into his life in a sense. He leaves and turns off the phone. He doesn't seem to take your feelings seriously and he's lied to you before. I get the sense that he has things to hide or is trying to create distance between you two.

 

Do you think he's taking on these extra appointments because you guys really need the money or are there other reasons?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

We don't need the money. He's brought home $40k more than we needed so far this year. I could support another whole family with that, it's enough to run my house for an entire year.

 

Angie, did you see the link in the first response to this thread? We're #4, all the way.

 

He doesn't take my feelings seriously. Like I said, without any changes to this situation, I'm a doormat. I'm tired of it. Obviously he's creating distance and hiding things. I don't know if there's anything like an affair going on. I have access to his phone and email, he doesn't try to keep me out of that so I don't try to get into it (much) (anymore).

 

I think he takes the appointments because it gets him out of the house and makes him feel accomplished. I don't begrudge him wanting that feeling of accomplishment, but there needs to be a compromise here.

 

I think he has a greater need to feel individual than I do, or are comfortable with my spouse being. Plus, the guys at work all think it's macho if you're an ******* to your wife.

 

Thanks for hanging in here with me.

[Rorocher]

We don't need the money. He's brought home $40k more than we needed so far this year. I could support another whole family with that, it's enough to run my house for an entire year.

 

Angie, did you see the link in the first response to this thread? We're #4, all the way.

 

He doesn't take my feelings seriously. Like I said, without any changes to this situation, I'm a doormat. I'm tired of it. Obviously he's creating distance and hiding things. I don't know if there's anything like an affair going on. I have access to his phone and email, he doesn't try to keep me out of that so I don't try to get into it (much) (anymore).

 

I think he takes the appointments because it gets him out of the house and makes him feel accomplished. I don't begrudge him wanting that feeling of accomplishment, but there needs to be a compromise here.

 

I think he has a greater need to feel individual than I do, or are comfortable with my spouse being. Plus, the guys at work all think it's macho if you're an ******* to your wife.

 

Thanks for hanging in here with me.

 

So what compromise would be fair to you? Him cutting out all extra works and travel? OR Relieving you of childcare responsibilities so you can have some "me" time? or both?

 

What if he found a way to travel, work and help you with the kids? Will that be ok?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

So what compromise would be fair to you? Him cutting out all extra works and travel? OR Relieving you of childcare responsibilities so you can have some "me" time? or both?

 

What if he found a way to travel, work and help you with the kids? Will that be ok?

 

I just got off the phone with him, and what we've worked out (since he really likes this job) is that any future travel will be accompanied by me and HE will arrange for someone to take care of the children while we are gone.

 

I'm thinking this is perhaps BS to smooth things over until the next time, since I've heard this before. I'm gun-shy enough to plan now, that if I don't have a plane ticket in my hand and a confirmed nanny for the children a few days before travel time, I'm taking off on my own and letting him deal with trying to go out of town with four small children by himself. I'll just leave while he's sleeping. Vindictive and nasty, perhaps, but if it makes him stop taking me for granted, well worth it. He did it Sunday, left while everyone was sleeping, so he never said good-bye to the kids and it didn't phase them.

 

There was a trip scheduled shortly after he started this job and he managed to get out of going on that one, so he is also going to get in touch with corporate and see if he can avoid future ones. Or, so he says. We'll see.

 

The compromise I want, what would make me happy, is no overnight travel. I can deal much better with the hours at home and the sometimes-ruined plans when I know that my husband loves me enough to do this one little thing to make me happy.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Oh, also, he mentioned that he was planning on going in to work tomorrow for a while, when tomorrow is his normal day off. I asked him why, when he's just getting home, and he said, "Because we need the money!"

 

I gently reminded him that we have savings enough to live for an entire year, without even touching the retirement accounts, and that if he was going to make up excuses for going into work, he'd have to do better than that.

 

We've got a lot of work to do. I guess we'll be heading back to counseling.

[Ronni_W]

i wonder if he'll come home. Or even call. I guess if he doesn't, I'll have my answer about how much this family means to him.

Lonely, you have a number of sources for your frustration, anger, bitterness, frustration, resentment and anger. It has become a self-perpetuating cycle, it seems -- everything building up on the "negative" side and nothing on the "positive" side to even try to balance out your feelings.

 

Are you open to considering that he is feeling the same way, from the same number of sources BUT about completely different incidents and circumstances? That is, what you do most likely have in common is the sheer overwhelming frustration and anger, and not even being able to see the tunnel, never mind the tiniest sliver of light on the other end of it. I just have to suspect that is going on for him, too.

 

Here is another link from that site I mentioned earlier... http://www.growingaware.com.au/Many_languages_of_love.htm

 

Maybe it just is that you guys are talking totally different "love languages"? From your perspective, he doesn't understand or care about what is important to you. But what if, from his perspective, you don't understand or care about what he values? What if and maybe???

 

Now. He isn't getting the seriousness of the situation -- I used to have a dinklehead husband like that. And, like you, I just got fed-up repeating myself every 6 or 8 months. THEN he became interested but at that point I was past done. All over but the last few tears.

 

Are you at that point? Just 'stick-a-fork-in-me' done? Or do you have any sense of even a tiny desire/hope to work things out?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Ronni (gal!), I really don't want to rip apart my family, but yeah, I'm getting tired of repeating myself.

 

We certainly communicate differently. I'm the type to lay it all out there and deal with it, he's the hide-and-avoid type. Last time we were in counseling, it became very apparent that if I said something, he didn't get it. But when the counselor repeated what I said, suddenly it all crystalized in his noggin.

[Ronni_W]

Ronni (gal!), I really don't want to rip apart my family, but yeah, I'm getting tired of repeating myself.

Well, then screwwitt -- honestly, just go and see a divorce attorney. You can go and dick around with more counseling (we did) but if you are done-done (absolutely zero motivation to listen to any more BS, try any harder, put up with any more intolerable conditions) then there is slim hope of successful counseling results.

 

I'm the type to lay it all out there and deal with it ...if I said something, he didn't get it. But when the counselor repeated what I said, suddenly it all crystalized in his noggin.

Hey, at least you got that -- my dinklehead never got it, no how, no way. I guess "none so deaf as those who will not hear," right? Cos I'm sure God himself (herself?) couldn't have gotten through to mine .

 

But there is also the part of "laying it all out there" in an effective, assertive and loving way. Your resentment/anger/frustration (all three?) has (have?) been building since your 11 y/o was a youngster, and it is really tough to communicate clearly and kindly after even just a year or two of such strong emotions eating away at your mind, heart and spirit.

 

So...what do you want? In an ideal world, what do you want and what are you prepared to do, personally and under own steam, to get it?

Is that about where you are at the moment?

[porter218]

lonely, I really hate to say this but I feel I must chime in on this thread. He sounds like a cheater to me. I really think you need to get to the bottom of his behavior. Every single thing you have said to describe him, his job, his behavior...just screams CHEATER to me. You are going to need to do some investigating.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

lonely, I really hate to say this but I feel I must chime in on this thread. He sounds like a cheater to me. I really think you need to get to the bottom of his behavior. Every single thing you have said to describe him, his job, his behavior...just screams CHEATER to me. You are going to need to do some investigating.

 

If I ever get to the point where I feel I need evidence of cheating in order to leave, I'm already gone, so I may as well save myself the time and aggravation.

 

But thanks for chiming in!

[Lizzie60]

lonely, I really hate to say this but I feel I must chime in on this thread. He sounds like a cheater to me. I really think you need to get to the bottom of his behavior. Every single thing you have said to describe him, his job, his behavior...just screams CHEATER to me. You are going to need to do some investigating.

 

I agree.. I haven't read the whole thread.. just a few posts.. and I agree.. this guy IS a cheater.. I would bet my life on this one..

[angie2443]

lonely, I really hate to say this but I feel I must chime in on this thread. He sounds like a cheater to me. I really think you need to get to the bottom of his behavior. Every single thing you have said to describe him, his job, his behavior...just screams CHEATER to me. You are going to need to do some investigating.

 

lonely, the more posts I read in this thread, the more I agree with this. Protect yourself. Have a plan of action to leave just in case. Good luck!

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Aw, ya'll are gonna break my heart.

 

The work thing--he's been in this business the whole time I've known him and it's always been like this. It doesn't send up alarms for me because I'm used to it, and back when I did have suspicions, I've showed up on the lot and he's there, or I call the landline and he answers. So that, alone, doesn't mean anything to me.

 

His behavior, well, then he's a serial cheater and been doing it the whole time. I thought cheaters were outed by CHANGE of behavior? lol...he's had many bouts of arseness over the years, and underlying it is a general, constant state of arseness, so that, too, doesn't sound any alarms for me.

 

But I will keep an eye open. I'll take suggestions on what to look for.

 

He's here, giving the little ones a bath. We've been talking. If it's followed up with action, we'll make it. First thing he's doing tomorrow is finding a daycare for the youngest, so I can get a job. I think he'll be a bit more motivated to make changes if he knows that I'm no longer dependent on his income (or available for him to wipe his feet on). Plus, I won't have so much time to stew in my own juices.

 

I'm so glad I found this place. This is like therapy, without the uncomfortable chairs.

[porter218]

His behavior, well, then he's a serial cheater and been doing it the whole time. I thought cheaters were outed by CHANGE of behavior? lol...he's had many bouts of arseness over the years, and underlying it is a general, constant state of arseness, so that, too, doesn't sound any alarms for me.

 

No they don't always change behavior. Your H does sound like a serial cheater and has probably always been doing it every now and then. Since I don't know your Hs patterns well enough I can only tell you a few things to look for. Look at his phone bill and #1 see who all he called on his way to the airport as soon as he left the house for his trip..#2 who did he call when the plane landed..#3 do you see a pattern of him calling one specific phone # right before or right after he calls your #??? Like I said I don't know his pattern and I am not sure how skilled a cheater he is, but at this point you can only begin to piece together what he has been up to. Good luck.

[luvstarved]

Rightly or wrongly, I do think he is "feeling" like a henpecked husband and just isn't experiencing any real empathy for what you are going through...he's just trying to dodge the s**tstorms, sounds like to me.

 

Sounds good about you getting a job, but change the last letter : you also need some joY in your life. It's all work and unfairness and resentment.

 

When you make plans for a class or whatever, you need to let him know and get him on board with the fact that any variances to the schedule have to be dealt with by HIM. Unless it is an isolated mandatory thing, he needs to avoid scheduling things on YOUR time. He needs to show some respect for your needs. And you DO need to have adult activities outside of parenting...with and without your H.

 

But, you also need to let go of some of the resentment. It isn't fair for you to keep being left holding the bag. But it isn't fun to be around someone who is bitching at you, even if they are dead right, maybe ESPECIALLY if they are dead right. So, he's a clod perhaps that way.

 

If there is a trip for you to go on with him, try proactively planning something for you to do together at the destination - research restaurants or local attractions. Show some enthusiasm and desire to be with him other than to have him help you out and fulfill his share of the work. Sounds like the cherishing couple aspect needs some attention...

 

My H and I are going through similar...and I too feel like I am doing all the work, so I richly sympathize with you. But I also know that sending out "be there for me, damn you!!!!" is not all that inspiring a message...

[lonelyandfrustrated]

No they don't always change behavior. Your H does sound like a serial cheater and has probably always been doing it every now and then. Since I don't know your Hs patterns well enough I can only tell you a few things to look for. Look at his phone bill and #1 see who all he called on his way to the airport as soon as he left the house for his trip..#2 who did he call when the plane landed..#3 do you see a pattern of him calling one specific phone # right before or right after he calls your #??? Like I said I don't know his pattern and I am not sure how skilled a cheater he is, but at this point you can only begin to piece together what he has been up to. Good luck.

 

When he left the house, he called his boss, who was traveling with him and four other salesguys from the dealership (all guys)...they met up and left their vehicles at the dealership while taking one to the airport.

 

When he landed, he called me.

 

The only calls sent or received while he was there were between he and I, and there were some texts from his boss and one of the guys traveling with things like "Meet in the lobby at 8 for breakfast."

 

I don't see anything suspicious with his phone. Like I said before, it's open to me, and I can access it online, so I don't need to even have the physical phone (well, except for texts, but there's no history of deleting them).

 

I hope I don't sound like I'm in denial, but I don't think cheating is the problem.

[rb45]

you said he made 40k more than you need so far this year and you wonder why he works so much? Get real, he must be one hell of a car salesman to make that kind of money.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

you said he made 40k more than you need so far this year and you wonder why he works so much? Get real, he must be one hell of a car salesman to make that kind of money.

 

He is. He sells high-end cars, though. $100k cars.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

It's not unusual for him to make a $5k commission on a single sale.