Dealing with anger while he is away

[norajane]

luvstarved, your ideas sound great, but what am I to do with the children? Lock them in their rooms and hope for the best? See, when I started a family, I feel like I gave up the right to step off the face of the earth. He, obviously, still feels he has that right.

 

You can plan a weekend away for yourself. Your husband can take care of the kids for a weekend. It might even help him understand what your life is like with the kids all the time.

[angie2443]

Sorry about all these post.

 

Lonelyandfustrated, do you have a plan in case this marriage doesn't work? I think at this point you need to protect yourself and your children as best you can.

[Ronni_W]

Staying at home with the kids is not only a huge sacrifice, but a risk that women ( and some men) take ... The sad thing is, most people don't respect this.

It is true that many do not appreciate the amount of actual work involved in being a stay-at-home mom (or dad.) But making that sacrifice and taking that risk IS a personal choice. OTOH, those women who choose to not give up their career ambitions are sacrificing not being at home with the kids. In both cases, the sacrifices and risks are known upfront, or at least can be reasonably foreseen.

 

No matter the specific decision, there is ALWAYS a choice not made, an opportunity missed. So there may be little logic or usefulness in focusing on that...we'd just end up with a planet full of people who are resentful, angry, etc., instead of everyone appreciating the experiences that they consciously chose for themselves.

 

OP, I do hope that you'll be able to arrange a weekend of relaxation and rejuvenation as norajane suggested -- perhaps a facility where you can also enjoy a couple of spa treatments?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Sorry about all these post.

 

Lonelyandfustrated, do you have a plan in case this marriage doesn't work? I think at this point you need to protect yourself and your children as best you can.

 

I don't know what to do. I do have about six months of living expenses, but when that runs out? I dunno. I know I need to find work, but right now, in the state I'm in, I can't think clearly. There's so much to think about. What do I do when a child is sick and needs to stay home? What kind of work can I do that will give me the flexibility to also take care of my children? Three of them are in school, so a day job makes the most sense, but then there's days they have off from school, and the summer? All of my pay would go toward child care.

 

I don't want to cower down and stay just because leaving is going to be so hard. I'm tired of being taken for granted. If this was the first time this has happened, I could reason that we could work it out and things would be better. But this is the fourth. Sticking around will just bring me more of the same.

[Rorocher]

I don't know what to do. I do have about six months of living expenses, but when that runs out? I dunno. I know I need to find work, but right now, in the state I'm in, I can't think clearly. There's so much to think about. What do I do when a child is sick and needs to stay home? What kind of work can I do that will give me the flexibility to also take care of my children? Three of them are in school, so a day job makes the most sense, but then there's days they have off from school, and the summer? All of my pay would go toward child care.

 

I don't want to cower down and stay just because leaving is going to be so hard. I'm tired of being taken for granted. If this was the first time this has happened, I could reason that we could work it out and things would be better. But this is the fourth. Sticking around will just bring me more of the same.

 

Would this be the ONLY reason why you would file for divorce?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You can plan a weekend away for yourself. Your husband can take care of the kids for a weekend. It might even help him understand what your life is like with the kids all the time.

 

He works on the weekend. I think the very last thing he'd be willing to do is take a day off so I can have fun. I can't even seem to get him to be home on his days off. There's always some pressing work matter that takes precedence over whatever I have planned. Even when I was making money, his job always came first.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Would this be the ONLY reason why you would file for divorce?

 

This, the dishonesty, the selfishness. The way he puts me last. I don't feel like I'm important to him, and that he doesn't do what he should to protect our marriage.

 

One time, right after our fourth was born (like, two weeks after) he decided that he was going to take up hunting. I told him to go ahead, but that I was not okay with him making it an overnight trip. He said no problem, he'd head out to a friend's land in the morning and head home about noon.

 

Then he got out of bed at midnight and left. He tried to argue that technically, anything after midnight WAS morning. Um, yeah. He said that he'd made plans with this friend and that he wasn't going to let his friend down because I had a problem with it. I reminded him that he had also discussed and planned this with ME, and which person was more important to him?

 

The friend was, that's who.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You know what's really chapping my ass right now? He still has his phone turned off. Who the hell does he think he is? That he can just go off and leave his wife and kids and be unreachable?

 

If I did that, I'd go to jail for abandoning my kids.

[carrot10]

Hi, I totally understand your situation. I was married to a sales rep for 11 years. I have huge abandonment issues, too. Everytime he went away, I took it personally. We fought constantly. He would also extend his trips. His trips were to Austrailia, Costa Rica, Hawaii ect.. Guess who stayed at home with our daughter? Alot of resentment built up. I left and came back so many times. Finally, in 2005, I left for good. We both realize our mistakes now but it is way too late. He is still a workaholic because he IS his job. Everything else comes second, third. It is very hard to be on your own and have to raise children and work. The payoff for me is that I learned so much and am such a better person because of it. You can't change him. I'm sure you know that but you can change yourself. If I could do it over, I would have let him go on his trips and wished him well. He would have been happy to come home knowing I supported and loved him. Instead he knew he would be yelled at and blamed for my unhappiness. He knows he was selfish but so was I. If you can, try a different approach. Don't be done yet. I know it seems like you are doing all the work. I wish you well.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I don't know what other approach to take. I'm being extreme, but it seems my only choices are to leave or be a doormat.

 

Neither is appealing.

[2sunny]

one thing i'm noticing is that this is all about you. have you ever stopped to consider how he must feel?

 

i wouldn't want to be home and/or call if i was only going to get negativity and nagging. and yes, i am a woman.

 

change is something that happens in all our lives. it is unrealistic of you to expect that nothing will change through the course of your marriage. you didn't have the younger kids when you married him and that is part of change to. have you adjusted to that or are you mad about that change to?

 

he's trying to make a living, don't you see that? if i missed something - then please point that out - because your approach seems to be very skeptical of his every move.

 

obviously you don't trust him. obviously there is animosity. obviously this is not healthy for a marriage.

 

if you don't like it this way and he says he's not changing it then leave him and be happy on your own. then you won't have the worry about a husband who may or may not be home.

 

sometimes it's easier to be alone and not expect anything - that way you can be happy not expecting anything.

[littlekitty]

You can plan a weekend away for yourself. Your husband can take care of the kids for a weekend. It might even help him understand what your life is like with the kids all the time.

 

Is there really no family that could help you achieve this? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I think it would be useful for everyone.

 

When I first read your thread I thought 'hmmmm a bit of a over reaction to 3 business trips'. I can and do understand your frustration. But I can also understand your husband not being willing to never agree to travel for business because of an issue you have with abadonement.

 

It is good for couples take time apart occassionally. I think he definitely needs to find a way to take the children off your hands and give you a break sometimes. Perhaps if you have this you would be more understanding of his requirement for this.

 

What is your real fear about him being away? Do you not trust him? Are you just p*ssed that you're left home with the kids? What it is exactly that bothers you?

 

Business travel isn't fun. And even an extra night in the bar at the end of it doesn't make it a fantastic time away. It's just a bit of time out. I don't begrudge my husband that, nor him me.

 

I do have an issue with him not answering his phone. He is probably worried that you'll be having another arguement with him. But it could be an emergancy with the children which is worrying.

 

Your last few posts come off as very untrusting of him. I feel you're trying to cover your mistrust with something else, that's what I'm sensing in your tone.

[angie2443]

change is something that happens in all our lives. it is unrealistic of you to expect that nothing will change through the course of your marriage. you didn't have the younger kids when you married him and that is part of change to. have you adjusted to that or are you mad about that change to?

.

 

He did not have the young kids either. His life should have changed also. I get the feeling that OP is bieng taken for granted. The husband still gets his freedom and she is chained to the house more often than not. Yes, things do change when the kids come along. They shouldn't just change for one person. A marriage will turn to crap if one person always gets the bigger piece of the pie and that sounds like what's happening here.

[angie2443]

I don't know what other approach to take. I'm being extreme, but it seems my only choices are to leave or be a doormat.

 

Neither is appealing.

 

Do not become the doormat. You will only become bitter and most likely start taking this out on your children since you'd be letting your husband walk all over you. No marriage is worth that.

 

Do you feel your husband respects you mostly, or are you always second place? Is marriage counseling helping out that much? I hope it does.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

littlekitty, I don't trust him. He broke that trust by being deceitful, and instead of being sorry about it, he says, "Get over it! Everybody lies."

 

I am bothered because we've discussed this so many times and he understands that it's a deal breaker for me. And yet, he does it anyway. He took this job with full knowledge of the consequences. That's painful, when you tell somebody you love that a certain thing will shatter your marriage and they do it anyway.

 

Especially when they do it once and promise to never do it again. And then they do. Again and again.

 

It's like he expects to be able to hurt me and I'll just forgive him.

 

2sunny, I beleive the way he feels is that he wants to be able to do whatever he wants without consequence or responsibility to the woman he married or the children he brought into the world. I think I'm the only one who's hurting here.

[carrot10]

I don't think you should be a doormat either but what I've found is that since divorcing my ex, every single relationship I've been in, the SAME issues come up. This has led me to believe that I have major issues with trust and abandonment. When I was married, I thought I was right to behave like I did. I have been forced to face my issues which is a good thing. I know how you feel. It is a very hard place to be in

[2sunny]

littlekitty, I don't trust him. He broke that trust by being deceitful, and instead of being sorry about it, he says, "Get over it! Everybody lies."

 

I am bothered because we've discussed this so many times and he understands that it's a deal breaker for me. And yet, he does it anyway. He took this job with full knowledge of the consequences. That's painful, when you tell somebody you love that a certain thing will shatter your marriage and they do it anyway.

 

Especially when they do it once and promise to never do it again. And then they do. Again and again.

 

It's like he expects to be able to hurt me and I'll just forgive him.

 

2sunny, I beleive the way he feels is that he wants to be able to do whatever he wants without consequence or responsibility to the woman he married or the children he brought into the world. I think I'm the only one who's hurting here.

 

by being inflexible to his travel - if that's the way he views making a living for your family - you are leaving very few options to work through these uncomfortable feelings you have since childhood.

 

have you considered counseling together or separately?

 

he apparently is giving you many more reasons to worry and wonder about since he is disregarding you by traveling and not having his phone on. my gut says we are not aware of the full scope of what's happening.

 

if this is a deal breaker for you - then so be it. that would not be my position if i were in your shoes, but everyone has their own set of rules. i just wonder if effort could be made to remedy this before calling it quits?

 

there would need to be many compromises and a lot of energy spent on building trust from both sides if you plan to make things better. communication is key. either way - to approach the communication level from a level playing field with the hopes of it moving in a positive direction would be ideal.

 

this really needs to happen anyway - whether or not you stay together, due to the fact that you have children together.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

We're not in counseling right now. Things have been just great the last few years and this has just come up now.

 

I do have trouble with fulfillment. Being a sahm is just not all that exciting and stimulating. But every effort I have made to work and still have the children cared for has failed because, like I said, his job always came first. I busted my rear to schedule around him, but he'd change the schedule at the last minute and just waltz, expecting me to pick up the pieces. That's not fair. Why does he have 24 free hours a day, and i don't?

 

I realize his time is not exactly 'free'. He is expected to work certain hours, I jsut wish that he could stick to them so that I can carve out a life around it. It's so unpredictable. I signed up for a yoga class that happens on his day off, and the VERY first class, he ditched me with the kids because he 'needed' to run into work.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

he apparently is giving you many more reasons to worry and wonder about since he is disregarding you by traveling and not having his phone on. my gut says we are not aware of the full scope of what's happening.

 

 

My gut feels exactly the same, and it's making me ill. I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I call it The Emotional Devastation Diet. :0

[2sunny]

My gut feels exactly the same, and it's making me ill. I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I call it The Emotional Devastation Diet. :0

 

have you made an effort to find out what the truth is that may actually be bothering you?

 

what are your real concerns?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You know, hindsight is a marvelous thing. I should have seen this coming; he does think I'm bitchy and controlling, and I can pinpoint when that started.

 

Way back when we first got together (living together at this point), I was working full time and had a young son. My mother watched my son in the evening while I tended bar. H started spending time with my son on his days off, giving my mother a break, bonding with the kid who would become like his own son. I never asked him to do this, he volunteered.

 

So one day, he's heading out to golf with some guys from work and I say, okay, I'll call mom and let her know I need her this evening. Oh no, he says, I'll be back in plenty of time. Don't call her. I'll be here.

 

Well, the time he said he'd be home came and went, then another hour, then I'm having to get ready to go to work so I call him and ask him if he's coming.

 

"We're only on the ninth, I'm gonna be another hour or so."

 

So I'm like, scrambling to find someone to watch my son because my mother wasn't home, I ended up taking him to work with me until someone could come pick him up, and yeah, I was ticked because he volunteered to do something and then was all nonchalant about NOT doing what he said he would.

 

And he told his friends that I was mad at him for playing golf.

 

Golf had absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

It's been a series of misscommunications ever since. Whoa boy.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

have you made an effort to find out what the truth is that may actually be bothering you?

 

what are your real concerns?

 

I feel abandoned and unloved. I know that's my problem, but he sure ain't helping!

 

The lack of communication is a big deal.

[Rorocher]

We're not in counseling right now. Things have been just great the last few years and this has just come up now.

 

I do have trouble with fulfillment. Being a sahm is just not all that exciting and stimulating. But every effort I have made to work and still have the children cared for has failed because, like I said, his job always came first. I busted my rear to schedule around him, but he'd change the schedule at the last minute and just waltz, expecting me to pick up the pieces. That's not fair. Why does he have 24 free hours a day, and i don't?

 

I realize his time is not exactly 'free'. He is expected to work certain hours, I jsut wish that he could stick to them so that I can carve out a life around it. It's so unpredictable. I signed up for a yoga class that happens on his day off, and the VERY first class, he ditched me with the kids because he 'needed' to run into work.

 

Does he get paid to work these extra hours? Or does he get penalized for not working them? There are certain jobs that you can say, "hey I have a family, I need to be off work at 7pm everynight, no exceptions", and they let you get away with that, they work with you to make sure that happens. There are other jobs that you are expected to work overtime and travel, paid or unpaid, it's just part of the job.

Which camp does he belong to? Is he expected to work late and travel or is this something he volunteered for just to be away from home?

 

I think there are more issues here, your fear of abandonment, which one can argue probably sounds unreasonable and whiny to him. And your resentment over not getting a break from the kids. And others, perhaps?. Which one is your priority? Which one do you bitch him out for?

 

Lastly, when he is home, who takes on majority of the childcare responsibility? There are some couples, who alternate, when the breadwinner gets home from work and rests a bit, he/she takes over while the SAHM spouse takes a few hours away from the children.

[Rorocher]

You know, hindsight is a marvelous thing. I should have seen this coming; he does think I'm bitchy and controlling, and I can pinpoint when that started.

 

Way back when we first got together (living together at this point), I was working full time and had a young son. My mother watched my son in the evening while I tended bar. H started spending time with my son on his days off, giving my mother a break, bonding with the kid who would become like his own son. I never asked him to do this, he volunteered.

 

So one day, he's heading out to golf with some guys from work and I say, okay, I'll call mom and let her know I need her this evening. Oh no, he says, I'll be back in plenty of time. Don't call her. I'll be here.

 

Well, the time he said he'd be home came and went, then another hour, then I'm having to get ready to go to work so I call him and ask him if he's coming.

 

"We're only on the ninth, I'm gonna be another hour or so."

 

So I'm like, scrambling to find someone to watch my son because my mother wasn't home, I ended up taking him to work with me until someone could come pick him up, and yeah, I was ticked because he volunteered to do something and then was all nonchalant about NOT doing what he said he would.

 

And he told his friends that I was mad at him for playing golf.

 

Golf had absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

It's been a series of misscommunications ever since. Whoa boy.

 

Isn't that something? and there's miscommunication for you!.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

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Does he get paid to work these extra hours? Or does he get penalized for not working them? There are certain jobs that you can say, "hey I have a family, I need to be off work at 7pm everynight, no exceptions", and they let you get away with that, they work with you to make sure that happens. There are other jobs that you are expected to work overtime and travel, paid or unpaid, it's just part of the job.

Which camp does he belong to? Is he expected to work late and travel or is this something he volunteered for just to be away from home?

 

I think there are more issues here, your fear of abandonment, which one can argue probably sounds unreasonable and whiny to him. And your resentment over not getting a break from the kids. And others, perhaps?. Which one is your priority? Which one do you bitch him out for?

 

Lastly, when he is home, who takes on majority of the childcare responsibility? There are some couples, who alternate, when the breadwinner gets home from work and rests a bit, he/she takes over while the SAHM spouse takes a few hours away from the children.

 

He's in sales, cars specifically, so it's all commission. No sale, no money. So it's not his bosses making him go to work, it's car buyers. He sets appointments with them when he's supposed to be off. He could be lying about all of it, I don't know (trust issues!).

 

I don't bitch him out. He'd probably say I do, but I don't yell and scream. Being calm when expressing displeasure is so much more effective at making him crazy. (I'm partly joking, partly not. Guilty!) He has told me that he admires me for having such strong values and sticking to them.

 

He helps with the kids sometimes, but often he'll also go into our room, shut the door, and flip on the TV. I typically allow him that time unless I seriously need him for something (like that time when one kid was throwing up the bathroom and another was doing the same thing in the kitchen and the dog was trying to get to it, bleh).