Dealing with anger while he is away

[lonelyandfrustrated]

My husband of seven years is out of town on business and I'm so angry I could scream. I'm not the type of girl who deals well with being left behind, and he knows this, has always known this, going back to the first time he went away without me.

 

Back then, he was in a competition where he got an all-expenses trip to a swanky hotel. I wanted to accompany him (I used to travel with my ex all the time and know about these things), but he insisted that wives just didn't accompany their husbands to these things.

 

He went, alone, and came home a couple days later apologetic as all get out; he discovered that the majority of the other people there HAD traveled with spouses, and that if he ever had the opportunity to do this again, he'd take me with him.

 

Then another opportunity came up, and not only did he NOT take me as promised, but he also LIED about the schedule to stay away an extra day. We ended up in counseling after that one.

 

I told him I had no interest in being married to a man who goes away on overnight trips. Our counselor said I had every right to make those kinds of decisions about my life.

 

He didn't go again, but then he took another job. He knew when he took this job that there would be some out of town travel involved and I was very clear about my feelings about it. We haven't actually had to deal with it until yesterday, when he left. He left early Sunday morning (7am) for a training class that wasn't taking place until today, and although his commitment is over at 5pm today, he's not planning to come home until tomorrow night!

 

I feel like just ending the marriage.

 

We have four children. Any time I want to do something, I have to arrange child care, but he just dumps them on me and takes off! It pisses me off.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't trust him because he lied before. He hurts me when he says I shouldn't feel the way I do, "after all, lots of women stay home while their husbands travel." When we married, he had a job that didn't require travel--the competitions were voluntary. He told me last night that he's not leaving this job for our marriage. Should I just take this as his way of saying that I come dead last to him?

 

Or am I just a needy, whining wife?

[Ronni_W]

Or am I just a needy, whining wife?

Needy, perhaps. But, of course, you can overcome that if you have the desire and willingness.

 

There does seem to be some irrational/misguided thinking going on -- one is not "left behind" when another is traveling for business. Also, does he make his own travel arrangements? When I was in corporate, trips would sometimes be arranged to take advantage of lower fares for early-morning or late-night flights, two-night stays, and so on. His travel may be dictated by factors outside of his control.

 

I would just be guessing, but I doubt your husband actually wants to have to choose between his job and his wife. Perhaps he is just feeling somewhat frustrated by your apparent lack of understanding about business travel, burdened by the neediness that you are demonstrating, and inadequate in knowing how to resolve it to mutual satisfaction?

 

Of course your counselor is correct, too -- you absolutely do get to make whatever choices and decisions about your own life that you want. But, are you really prepared to forfeit your marriage instead of healing the root of the problem (which manifests, as you said, as a dislike of being "left behind")?

 

If you are aware that you suffer from abandonment issues, then you may also recognize that you have self-responsibility to deal with those on your own, and ensure that they do not damage any of your important relationships. Individual therapy may be very helpful.

The 4th point at bottom of following link may be particularly applicable to your situation:

http://www.growingaware.com.au/POWER_CONTROL_IN_RELATIONSHIPS.HTM

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Thank you for the thoughtful answer, and you're right--#4 is us, perfectly.

 

I do have abandonment issues and that is part of the reason why, after marriage #1 failed, that I didn't get involved with anyone who traveled like this.

 

I feel like here, I've gotten the bait-and-switch. I married a man with a stable job that had him home every night, and I did that intentionally. He knew my feelings on it before we married. So it feels like a slap in the face, like he's saying, haha, I know this is going to bother you a great deal, but screw you! It's been like a string of broken promises. He'll tell me one thing, then do something else.

 

fwiw, I have been in counseling and I know that my feelings come from having a father who traveled on business and eventually walked out on the family to run off with his secretary. I saw him twice after that, even though the custody papers said he was to have my brother and I every other weekend and for two weeks every summer.

 

I feel like I've been very up-front and honest, like I've laid out for him all of my vulnerabilities and now he's taking advantage of them.

 

That's what hurts.

[Rorocher]

Thank you for the thoughtful answer, and you're right--#4 is us, perfectly.

 

I do have abandonment issues and that is part of the reason why, after marriage #1 failed, that I didn't get involved with anyone who traveled like this.

 

I feel like here, I've gotten the bait-and-switch. I married a man with a stable job that had him home every night, and I did that intentionally. He knew my feelings on it before we married. So it feels like a slap in the face, like he's saying, haha, I know this is going to bother you a great deal, but screw you! It's been like a string of broken promises. He'll tell me one thing, then do something else.

 

fwiw, I have been in counseling and I know that my feelings come from having a father who traveled on business and eventually walked out on the family to run off with his secretary. I saw him twice after that, even though the custody papers said he was to have my brother and I every other weekend and for two weeks every summer.

 

I feel like I've been very up-front and honest, like I've laid out for him all of my vulnerabilities and now he's taking advantage of them.

 

That's what hurts.

 

 

Needy and whiny?, sure you are, but I tend to agree with the bait and switch comment. You said he knew this all along, changing the rules in the middle of the game and saying "deal with it" is annoying for anyone.

 

On the other hand though, if he is going to "run away", you do realize that barring him from overnight travels will probably not help that fact, right?

[angie2443]

You don't sound whiny to me. This relationship doesn't sound quite equal to me. Why is it that he can just dump the kids on you and take off when he wants but you have to make sure somebody else will watch them when you want to leave? Sure, plenty of wives stay home when their husbands go on buisness trips. Doesn't always make for a happy, together couple. I also know plenty of wives who have grown cold towards their husbands because their husbands take it for granted that they can leave whenever they want, never mind who they leave behind. Your husband lied to you once. How do you feel about him otherwise? Do you feel you have equal freedom in your relationship? Does he help out equality with the kids? Even when it comes to the dirty work involved with kids?

[Ronni_W]

I do have abandonment issues...from having a father who traveled on business and eventually walked out on the family to run off with his secretary.

Lonely, believe me I get what you're feeling...and I suspected something like that was at the heart of your issue.

But. I'll give you my view, which you can reject or explore as you see fit.

 

The thing is you chose, for this marriage, a situation that you had every reason to believe would, in actuality, support your unhealed emotional stuff. Nothing wrong with that. Except that it was conditional on your husband's job and/or career aspirations becoming stagnant. No more upward or even sideways movement for him, career-wise.

 

Which, had you and he looked at it from above perspective, you BOTH likely would have realized was unreasonable and unrealistic to expect.

You may, of course, hold on to that sense of being victim of his "bait and switch" tactics, broken promises, and being slapped in the face by him, etc. But, IMO, that mindset will not serve you as well as a more accurate portrait of what really happened might.

 

Life is about change and growth. And your husband ought to be free to allow his career to do likewise, without his loved ones feeling threatened or resentful or whatever else would be equally non-supportive and discouraging. He does need to be able to pursue his career goals, fulfill his desire to become an ever-improving provider, etc., etc. That is part of his self-image and identity, and he ought to be able to count on you to support and nurture it.

 

And well-functioning adulthood is about adapting to the changes around us. It is about gaining "new and improved" insights, understandings, life skills and coping strategies. It is about overcoming childhood trauma and unhealed emotions so that they do not interfere with and negatively impact us and those we love. (I'm sure you are intellectually very aware of all of this.)

 

It is good to know where your fear of abandonment comes from, but it is not enough. You are also called upon to repair any inaccurate and misguided beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, etc. This man is NOT your father, and you are NOT living your mom's marriage.

You do have the right and authority to just leave it at the point where you can explain WHY your marriage ended. Or, you can choose to work to eliminate that "reason" so that you can have the long, happy and successful marriage that your mom missed out on.

 

But if you don't get a handle on it, there is a high probability that the pattern will repeat itself -- you'll just find someone else who is co-dependent and initially at least enables your abandonment issues, then life will happen to change those "supportive" conditions...and you will feel, once again, a victim of (changing) circumstances, lied to, betrayed and abandoned. Which sucks. So, I hope you don't choose that for yourself .

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Needy and whiny?, sure you are, but I tend to agree with the bait and switch comment. You said he knew this all along, changing the rules in the middle of the game and saying "deal with it" is annoying for anyone.

 

On the other hand though, if he is going to "run away", you do realize that barring him from overnight travels will probably not help that fact, right?

 

lol, thanks a lot! (I asked for it, though)

 

One thing I absolutely took away from counseling was that I can only make decisions for myself. My approach to this has always been that it is something I do not wish to have in MY life; he can make his own decisions from there. I don't 'bar' him from anything, as evidenced by the fact that I am home alone right now. I do wish he'd make different decisions.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You don't sound whiny to me. This relationship doesn't sound quite equal to me. <snip> How do you feel about him otherwise? Do you feel you have equal freedom in your relationship? Does he help out equality with the kids? Even when it comes to the dirty work involved with kids?

 

Leave it to the gal to support me! lol.

 

He's lied more than once, and most certainly more times than I've caught him. It doesn't feel like an equal relationship, because I am a sahm. I've worked outside of home, but with the cost of childcare, I stayed in jobs where I could work around his schedule so that one of us would be home. But it always ended up where I'd be stuck, because he'd be late coming home, or having to go in early, and of course, since he made a lot more than I did, it was always my job that had to be sacrificed. I hated that, so I just quit trying to be away from home. He'd do things like show up at my job and drop off the kids! As if! One more year and they'll all be in school.

 

He does get involved with the kids, but I feel like there's a definite imbalance between work and home responsibilities for him. Work always comes first.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

The thing is you chose, for this marriage, a situation that you had every reason to believe would, in actuality, support your unhealed emotional stuff. Nothing wrong with that. Except that it was conditional on your husband's job and/or career aspirations becoming stagnant. No more upward or even sideways movement for him, career-wise.

 

 

Life is about change and growth. And your husband ought to be free to allow his career to do likewise, without his loved ones feeling threatened or resentful or whatever else would be equally non-supportive and discouraging. He does need to be able to pursue his career goals, fulfill his desire to become an ever-improving provider, etc., etc. That is part of his self-image and identity, and he ought to be able to count on you to support and nurture it.

 

 

This was a lateral move for him, the same position in the same industry, just a different company.

 

I do want him to pursue his career goals, I just want him to do it here. Is that so bad? And it is possible. Travel within his industry is quite rare.

[norajane]

Work always comes first.

 

Try and understand that work is also how he shows his love for you and the children. In his mind, his work/career/salary/life insurance/health insurance is how he takes care of all of you. Bitch at him about how he works and he'll start to feel very unappreciated.

[Ronni_W]

I do want him to pursue his career goals, I just want him to do it here. Is that so bad?

No, not "bad" or "wrong" or anything like that. At the end, I do totally agree with your counselor -- you have the power to make, and are in charge of making, all your decisions according to your own needs and desires.

 

BTW, I am a "gal", too

[norajane]

This was a lateral move for him, the same position in the same industry, just a different company.

 

I do want him to pursue his career goals, I just want him to do it here. Is that so bad? And it is possible. Travel within his industry is quite rare.

 

Have you asked him why he chose a position that would require some travel? He knew how you felt about it, why would he choose that? I have a feeling he's done so because he wants some time to himself.

 

I don't know why specifically he would want time away from the family, but if you think about it, you can probably identify a few things that might contribute. Maybe he's stressed out, maybe things are tense and uncomfortable between you at home, maybe the children are too much him for right now, maybe you and he need to take vacation alone far far away on a beach, maybe you've both started to get on each other's nerves a little bit?

 

It could be none of those things - only your husband can tell you why the travel is appealing to him right now. Maybe if you can discuss this issue in those terms, you can get to the heart of what is going on between you. Fix it, and perhaps he won't need a job that requires travel anymore.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

He just called and said that he was surprised that I was upset over this, since I "haven't bitched about it in so long." lol. What am I supposed to do with that??? Can he really be so dim as to need constant reminders/nagging about how I feel? I don't want to do that.

 

I'm not buying it, either. When this trip first came up, I told him how I feel (without bitching). And I told him again when he was getting ready to leave (with a little bitching). So for him to be surprised by my putting-down-of-feet rings false to me.

 

I don't really want to ditch my marriage, but I also don't want more of the same, which he has promised me. If I know that what's coming is going to be bad, I tend to want to step out of the way.

 

I'm confused and feel like I'm being taken for granted. Because I didn't leave him last time, he doesn't believe I will this time. It sounds like a dare.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Have you asked him why he chose a position that would require some travel? He knew how you felt about it, why would he choose that? I have a feeling he's done so because he wants some time to himself.

 

 

He's admitted that it's out of pure selfishness on his part. We have more troubles than a simple business trip. He says now that he's past the selfish crap he went through the first three years we were married, but yet he's still pulling the same crap. Just another way he does the saying-one-thing-but-showing-another crap.

[norajane]

Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound hostile toward him. Is he hostile with you? Do you bicker all the time? If you're bickering, he's less likely to want to spend time at home. And bickering on the phone when he's away, also doesn't make him want to come home. Neither of you can possibly enjoy this.

 

You two have gotten to the point where he's running away from home and you're thinking of leaving him. What is holding you together?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound hostile toward him. Is he hostile with you? Do you bicker all the time? If you're bickering, he's less likely to want to spend time at home. And bickering on the phone when he's away, also doesn't make him want to come home. Neither of you can possibly enjoy this.

 

You two have gotten to the point where he's running away from home and you're thinking of leaving him. What is holding you together?

 

I am feeling quite hostile today, thank you for noticing! I do harbor some resentment from the other trip when he lied to me. That really hurt me deeply. Here I was thinking that I had this great guy who I could talk openly with, and he's lying to me as he's walking out the door? Ouch. I don't dwell on it, but when faced with a similar issue, some of those feelings do return.

 

I also suffer from the no-life issue. We had a bunch of babies back-to-back; I was pregnant from 2001 to 2004. My oldest is from a previous relationship and is now 11, but the littles are 4, 5, and 6.

 

From where I stand, it appears that he intends to pursue said life while I bear the burden of caring for his young. I resent that, I admit it. What to do about it? I don't know. That's why I came here. I found the forum, read some postings, and thought maybe some of you very kind and generous folk could talk me outta this tree.

 

It's helping.

 

I don't believe I bicker to him all the time (see above where I spoke of his surprise from my 'not bitching about it for a long time'), but he may have a different take on that. When we were in counseling, one of the things that came up was his critical tape in his head. He was criticized a lot as a child, and he still takes pretty much any comment as a criticism. I'm aware of that so I try to keep my points focused on myself and my own problems with things, but he still hears "I'm having a problem with this" as "You're doing something wrong, dumbass!" And I know that's his issue, not mine.

 

What's holding us together? Today, I'd say NOTHING! but in the day-to-day, I'd say it's shared goals, mutual support, passion, and the fact that we are a family.

 

I'll go cry now...

[norajane]

What's holding us together? Today, I'd say NOTHING! but in the day-to-day, I'd say it's shared goals, mutual support, passion, and the fact that we are a family.

 

I'll go cry now...

 

It's ok to cry...

 

Those sound like very good things holding you together. Things worth holding on to.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

It's now after midnight and he is not in his room or answering his cell phone.

 

I'm done.

[Mr. Lucky]

I From where I stand, it appears that he intends to pursue said life while I bear the burden of caring for his young. I resent that, I admit it. What to do about it? I don't know. That's why I came here. I found the forum, read some postings, and thought maybe some of you very kind and generous folk could talk me outta this tree.

I don't get it. He's not off on a monthly golfing trip with his buddies, if I read your post correctly he's pounding the pavement trying to support you and your 4 kids . I don't know if you've traveled lately, but there isn't much glamor in security lines, four-across seating and Holiday Inns. Your sound irrational when you imply that "he's gone, so he must be goofing off".

 

What if he came home every day with the thought that "she's at home while I'm out working so she must sit on the couch all day eating bon bons and watching TV ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I don't get it. He's not off on a monthly golfing trip with his buddies, if I read your post correctly he's pounding the pavement trying to support you and your 4 kids . I don't know if you've traveled lately, but there isn't much glamor in security lines, four-across seating and Holiday Inns. Your sound irrational when you imply that "he's gone, so he must be goofing off".

 

What if he came home every day with the thought that "she's at home while I'm out working so she must sit on the couch all day eating bon bons and watching TV ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, he's on a three-day junket with a bunch of single guys for an 8-hour training session.

 

And he won't answer his phone.

 

I'm out. I didn't sign up for this.

[luvstarved]

I think you seriously need to come up with a reason to get away yourself. I can understand wanting to get the hell away from it all and just chill...especially if as you say he regards everything as criticism (I have this problem with my H too and I know it is maddening on both sides...)

But what's good for the gander is good for the goose...

 

You have a right to be upset about having been lied to about these trips in the past...but...I would let that go, while making it clear that this is unacceptable in future. It is a senseless erosion of trust that he has to not perpetuate.

 

Seriously. Plan a getaway for yourself. Find a woman's weekend spa retreat or something.

 

Then when you are both rejuvenated plan one for just the two of you.

 

He's not answering the phone because he doesn't want to hear the angry s**t you have for him. Unfair maybe but...I think that's where it is.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I have made it clear that this is unacceptable, the thing is, he keeps doing it anyway.

 

luvstarved, your ideas sound great, but what am I to do with the children? Lock them in their rooms and hope for the best? See, when I started a family, I feel like I gave up the right to step off the face of the earth. He, obviously, still feels he has that right.

[angie2443]

lol, thanks a lot! (I asked for it, though)

 

One thing I absolutely took away from counseling was that I can only make decisions for myself. My approach to this has always been that it is something I do not wish to have in MY life; he can make his own decisions from there. I don't 'bar' him from anything, as evidenced by the fact that I am home alone right now. I do wish he'd make different decisions.

 

I understand this. You can't control another adult. The only problem with this is that when the kids come along, what he does affects your life. Did you have any dreams and ambitions that you sacrificed so that he could keep his career? I know I did. I was on my way to getting a masters degree when the kids started coming. Someone had to stay with the kids and guess who that was? The truth is, you are barred from certain things because of the kids. I just don't think it is fair when it is only one spouse who has to give up their dreams and ambitions while the other gets all of the freedom.

[angie2443]

I have made it clear that this is unacceptable, the thing is, he keeps doing it anyway.

 

luvstarved, your ideas sound great, but what am I to do with the children? Lock them in their rooms and hope for the best? See, when I started a family, I feel like I gave up the right to step off the face of the earth. He, obviously, still feels he has that right.

 

You both started a family. Again, I don't think it's fair that only one of you is staying behind, while the other runs off when they want.

 

I don't know luvstarved's situation, so this comment isn't about her. I think that it is very easy for people without children, or people who have lots of relatives and friends to help with their kids to tell you to just take off. I doesn't sound like you can just drop your kids whenever you want and leave. This isn't fair to the kids anyways. They need a family life and if the parents are always leaving them behind, they don't really have one.

 

I wish I had good advice to give you. What I can tell you is, if this relationship isn't equal, and it doesn't sound like it is, then the marriage is going to be misserable and fail. Your husband needs to understand this.

[angie2443]

What if he came home every day with the thought that "she's at home while I'm out working so she must sit on the couch all day eating bon bons and watching TV ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry, but if that's what a man's thinking that his wife is doing while she is staying at home with a bunch of kids, then he is an idiot.

 

Staying home with the kids is a tremendous sacrifice. You have little adult interaction, children are very demanding and require constant supervision. There is no 401 plans or insurance benifits for people who stay at home with their children. If this marriage fails, it is the woman who will be screwed. The man will have an established career that he keeps while the woman will be going back into the work force and most likely have to take an entry level position with little pay and little to no benifits. Staying at home with the kids is not only a huge sacrifice, but a risk that women ( and some men) take because they feel it benifits the children more or because child care is too expensive. The sad thing is, most people don't respect this.