Sweet Revenge: Interesting Ways To Deal With An Affair.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

For most people, affairs are probably the worst thing one can do in a marriage. To many they would prefer to abused or die before they have to deal with a cheating spouse. Infidelity, is hurtful, disrespectful, scarring, and opens people and loved ones to a host of dangers that could jeopardize their safety and vary lives.

 

So, okay, with that said, how does one let their spouse and the other person know that their actions are not and will not be tolerated? How do you send a message and draw the line in the sand when your the betrayed spouse? While what I advise is NOT for those who care too much about their pride and self-image, it is good for those who believe that what is done in the dark needs to be brought to the light. This is for those who refuse to live in shame because of someone else's misdeeds.

 

A few suggestions I have either heard about or I have suggested to people and was latter commended on...

1. If you can catch some of their antics on audio and or video... Have a party for the cheating spouse and play it for a mature audience. Or mail it to your and your spouse's most trusted friends and family members.

2. If you have photos, post them on adult sites and get paid for it... If they are going to act like a wh*r*, why not get some bucks right?

3. WARNING NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!!! Post it on the partner's bulletin boards where they work. (Of course this only works if you can get the information on the partner).

4. Like above, this only works if you can get or have such information to go off of... Try suggestion 1, but include the other person.

5. Tell your boss and her boss of the marital issue. Many bosses will understand and a few will even keep an eye out for the spouse.

6. If you have an audio recording, see if you can get it played on a radio program and get your spouse to listen.

7. This will only work if you and/or your spouse is on a social website like Facebook or Myspace, post the cleanest pictures you can.

8. Bring the other person into therapy sessions with you.

9. Look into the laws around your state or nation and see what are on the books about affairs, then go through with getting the law enforced. A man won almost $5000 from the lover of his wife in Illinois.

10. Make a public notice in like a newspaper about your cheating spouse (and the other person if you can).

 

There is are many reasons why people have affairs, but they all revolve around lying, cheating, disrespect, and a desire to hurt (rather covertly or overtly). The betrayed spouse should not live in shame because of the actions of their spouse. And as a spouse, it is not unreasonable to expect an outsider to respect the bonds of marriage. Once they find out their lover is married, they owe you the respect of backing off. So, while it does hurt, sometimes the best way to deal with that hurt is to reveal it and make it known. Such is the same is with affairs. There are a lot more inventive ways to deal with it and reveal your disgust and hurt than keeping it to yourself or physically hurting that spouse and/or lover. Reveal their sin and let them deal with the consequences of their actions in plain sight. Besides, you would be surprised how many more people will rally to your side and try to help you and your spouse through the issues or help you move on.

 

In short, don't be hurt, find fun and interesting ways to make what is done in the dark revealed by the light. Take that pain and hurt and directed outward. Yes it can be embarrassing, but it will be more so mostly for the cheating spouse and/or lover. So, be bold and call them out in public view.

 

 

DNR

[lovelorcet]

I find the list to be tasteless, reckless, without class or dignity and some of them are just plain stupid.

 

And that is from a once deeply hurt BH...

 

The best thing you can do is just walk away form it. If you have to expose it then only to the minimal amount of people who would need to know but besides that, just walk away.

 

Some one who is in that position and has been hurt will not gain a single thing back these kinds of acts in the long run and in reality they will most likely just cause themselves more pain.

[EnigmaXOXO]

All great ... so long as you make sure those vendetta fantasies remain in your head. But only for a short time, otherwise you get stuck in that dark, angry place and give over power to that other person that you’d be better off reclaiming for yourself.

 

I’m with Lovelorcet, and I’m far from being passive! Better to walk away and disconnect from those whose crazy lives would bring ruin to your own. The best revenge is learning how and when to let go and allow people to suffer the consequences of their own foolishness. Feels better sometimes to just sit back and watch the idiots shoot their own foot off with the knowledge that you never had to once dirty your own hands.

 

Hey ... people are gonna do what they’re gonna do anyway. That’s how we learn. Can’t save everyone from that speeding train (and you’d be stooping to their level if you tried to push them onto the tracks) ... so better to just get the h*ll out of the way and save yourself so you can live to laugh another day!

[Owl]

Exactly. Revenge thoughts are normal...but ultimately USELESS.

 

Far better off solving the problem one way or another.

 

Doing any of the silliness listed above won't solve your problem either way...it'll just drag more people into the situation that aren't at all interested in helping either of you.

 

Either decide to reconcile your marriage and attempt to recover your relationship with the person who cheated, or opt to divorce them.

 

Anything less is pointless, a futile waste of time and effort, and nothing more than a childish petulant seeking for revenge.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Believe it or not these are things people have done and gotten great rewards and their self-esteem back. I did it to an ex in front of her parents during a b-day party and walked right out after I got the reactions I wanted. So, yeah, it worked out a lot. I and the people I got these stories from are very old school. What is wrong are exposed, dealt with, moved on. Oh, and a few other people and spouses had to leave the places they use to live and work at because of this revelation. So, yeah, it was worth it for most people who have done these things.

 

I once was passive about a lot of mistreatment from people. Then I learned one thing... There is a time for peace and there is a time for war. There is a time to be kind and gentle and to turn the other cheek, there are times when one needs to just give back what is given. Many people can take the low road as they wish. Many can get satisfaction by showing people the dark. It is all a matter of how one wishes to deal with the situation. I myself refuse to let someone acts that hurt me go unnoticed and have others be warned of such people. Just because people are going to do what they want does not mean they should.

 

 

DNR

[fubarred]

I agree with the OP to some extent, but it has to be for the right reasons. I totally lost it when I found out my wife was having her EA, mostly because I jumped to the conclusion that she was having a full blown PA/EA and my family was in jeopardy. She did the usual deny-deny-deny and it almost drove me crazy. She minimized it as much as possible and tried to make me look like a lunatic that had conjured everything up in my head. She was having talks with my own mother about how she was "worried" about me and thought that I needed "help".

 

That was not going to happen. I wasn't going to be the bad guy, which is how she wanted me to be looked at after I told her I was leaving. So... I told EVERYONE that was close to us (except the employer... messing up her career wasn't going to help anyone, especially my children), and I provided the proof. Suddenly the focus was shifted from me to her and I DID get a great deal of satisfaction from it. It wasn't about revenge, it was about setting things straight.

[theobserver]

I agree with OP. Especially with there are times for peace and times for war. It's all well everyone saying "well I walked away" or it wont bring you satisfaction. WRONG. It very much depends on the situation. As read in the comment above sometimes these "revenge" acts are about getting back your dignity, if he had walked away his wife could of continued her lies to his FAMILY AND FRIENDS and for all you know he could of ended up in a looney bin if she convinced people enough.

 

Some people that cheat are truely nasty pieces of work and will try to turn everyone against you, they expect you to do nothing to expose them. Sometimes the worse thing you can do is keep quiet about what they did because it enforces they are some sort of angel or the victim and they don't get to face up to the humiliationt hey caused you that they should now have to work through as you did.

 

 

So again if you want revenge go for it , just make sure it's worth it. Sometimes it's needed to make these people realise what they did is not acceptable and this is the consequence. Other times it's in everyones best interest to just walk away.

[stoopid_guy]

The only real benifit I can see to these tactics is that they will once and for all end the relationship.

 

The only place that might be a major problem is where you're still tied somehow whether you like it or not, either financially or with children. Especially with kids, you should try to keep things friendly for their sake.

 

The best revenge is success. Show the other person how happy you can be without them.

[Taramere]

I have a rule that I never seek or take revenge on anyone I've ever loved/cared about. It's not so much a rule as just something in me that says regardless of what they've done, if I've loved them then the most I can do is walk away. That's not to say I haven't got angry and had revenge fantasies. I think that's pretty normal....but a rational person can talk themselves through those feelings and avoid acting on them.

 

Someone I've never cared about who crosses me or someone I care about - that's a different story. I've sought out revenge on a former boss before, and I didn't give up until he lost his job. I was pretty much obsessive about it, I have to admit. The day I heard he'd been kicked out, I thought "good. That's justice." It got the hatred out of my system - and let me feel that he hadn't been able to stab me in the back without drawing a little of his own blood. That said, I wouldn't bother to exert that level of energy on an enemy again.

 

Wreaking revenge and punishment on a lover for cheating on me? No. All that achieves is to reassure the other person that you weren't worth their loyalty. To me, loving and caring about someone isn't a promise that I'll stay with them for ever - but it is a promise that I'll try my best to show nobility in my dealings with them, regardless of what happens in the relationship.

[lovelorcet]

I have a rule that I never seek or take revenge on anyone I've ever loved/cared about. It's not so much a rule as just something in me that says regardless of what they've done, if I've loved them then the most I can do is walk away. That's not to say I haven't got angry and had revenge fantasies. I think that's pretty normal....but a rational person can talk themselves through those feelings and avoid acting on them.

 

Someone I've never cared about who crosses me or someone I care about - that's a different story. I've sought out revenge on a former boss before, and I didn't give up until he lost his job. I was pretty much obsessive about it, I have to admit. The day I heard he'd been kicked out, I thought "good. That's justice." It got the hatred out of my system - and let me feel that he hadn't been able to stab me in the back without drawing a little of his own blood. That said, I wouldn't bother to exert that level of energy on an enemy again.

 

Wreaking revenge and punishment on a lover for cheating on me? No. All that achieves is to reassure the other person that you weren't worth their loyalty. To me, loving and caring about someone isn't a promise that I'll stay with them for ever - but it is a promise that I'll try my best to show nobility in my dealings with them, regardless of what happens in the relationship.

 

 

I could not agree more...

[Trojan John]

I have a rule that I never seek or take revenge on anyone I've ever loved/cared about. It's not so much a rule as just something in me that says regardless of what they've done, if I've loved them then the most I can do is walk away. That's not to say I haven't got angry and had revenge fantasies. I think that's pretty normal....but a rational person can talk themselves through those feelings and avoid acting on them.

 

Someone I've never cared about who crosses me or someone I care about - that's a different story. I've sought out revenge on a former boss before, and I didn't give up until he lost his job. I was pretty much obsessive about it, I have to admit. The day I heard he'd been kicked out, I thought "good. That's justice." It got the hatred out of my system - and let me feel that he hadn't been able to stab me in the back without drawing a little of his own blood. That said, I wouldn't bother to exert that level of energy on an enemy again.

 

Wreaking revenge and punishment on a lover for cheating on me? No. All that achieves is to reassure the other person that you weren't worth their loyalty. To me, loving and caring about someone isn't a promise that I'll stay with them for ever - but it is a promise that I'll try my best to show nobility in my dealings with them, regardless of what happens in the relationship.

 

I'm inclined to believe the opposite. Why would you waste so much time and energy getting revenge on someone you don't care about, like your boss?

 

In any case, I agree that the best revenge is living well. It's like saying, "look at how much better I am doing now that I'm not stuck with you anymore."

[Taramere]

I'm inclined to believe the opposite. Why would you waste so much time and energy getting revenge on someone you don't care about, like your boss?

 

Because he set me up to cop the blame for mistakes he'd made, and then when I confronted him about it he sacked me - which put me in a really difficult situation professionally. Your profession is your primary means of survival, and when an employer takes your job away from you for no valid reason and additionally makes up harmful crap about you, that's cause to fight as dirtily as you need to in my view. Additionally while he was sacking (firing) me and I was obviously in a vulnerable and distressed frame of mind, he said all kinds of stuff that aimed personally as well as professionally. It was like he was determined to make me cry. You know how some people get like that? It's not enough to take away your source of income. They need to see those tears to feel that the victory's complete?

 

So I told him that I neither liked nor respected him. That as far as I was aware, contrary to what he might want to believe, nobody else in the office did either. And that I'd prove it to him by getting him ousted. So, you know, I felt that I had to follow through. And I did loathe the guy at that point, which is a pretty strong motivator for getting revenge on someone. By the time I was done I felt indifferent to him, and I can't imagine ever getting that angry again. Or caring enough again to fight the way I did that time. There are some things you only need to do once, and I think it's often just about proving something to yourself.

 

In any case, I agree that the best revenge is living well. It's like saying, "look at how much better I am doing now that I'm not stuck with you anymore."

 

Agreed.

[fubarred]

Because he set me up to cop the blame for mistakes he'd made, and then when I confronted him about it he sacked me - which put me in a really difficult situation professionally. Your profession is your primary means of survival, and when an employer takes your job away from you for no valid reason and additionally makes up harmful crap about you, that's cause to fight as dirtily as you need to in my view. Additionally while he was sacking (firing) me and I was obviously in a vulnerable and distressed frame of mind, he said all kinds of stuff that aimed personally as well as professionally. It was like he was determined to make me cry. You know how some people get like that? It's not enough to take away your source of income. They need to see those tears to feel that the victory's complete?

 

You just proved our point with your first paragraph there. Change the word "profession" to "marriage" along with a few other keys words there, and that is EXACTLY the way some WS's handle their affairs.

 

So, now do you understand why some seek "revenge" after an affair? According to your first post, the best thing for you to have done would have been to go find a better job and then show your boss what he missed out on by sacking you. But no, you chose revenge.

[Terminator]

I would assume that if you are going to actually follow any of these pathetic attempts at revenge that your hands are totally clean or there could be a nasty backlash.

[porter218]

God doesn't like ugly..no matter how provoked. Engage the brain before the mouth.

[Rooster_DAR]

Engage the brain before the mouth.

 

That is a discipline that is hard to master.

[Taramere]

You just proved our point with your first paragraph there. Change the word "profession" to "marriage" along with a few other keys words there, and that is EXACTLY the way some WS's handle their affairs.

 

So, now do you understand why some seek "revenge" after an affair? According to your first post, the best thing for you to have done would have been to go find a better job and then show your boss what he missed out on by sacking you. But no, you chose revenge.

 

Firstly, I didn't say that the best thing for me to have done would involve going and getting a better job. I said that I wouldn't do it again. You might not understand the difference - but there is a difference.

 

I'm glad I did it. It was a principle I had about exposing someone who had done something I regarded as wrong. Not letting him get away with it. Showing people the kind of person he was - and yes, I can see the parallels with what Dark n Romantic is saying about showing people "this is the kind of person my cheating ex is."

 

My particular principle wasn't necessarily one other people would value or regard as moral, sensible, whatever.....I don't care about that. It was mine and I fought for it. As far as I'm concerned if you never ever fight for something you believe in, and take the consequences of doing that - however rough they are, and however much they cost you - then you've no business bullsh*tting about being a strong or courageous person.

 

To the next point. Where did I say I didn't understand the desire to seek revenge? I've been cheated on, and I've had that desire - but the bottom line for me is that if I've ever loved a person then I won't inflict revenge on them. Apart from anything it would hurt me personally to do that to someone I'd shared a lot of happy, meaningful times with.

 

If getting revenge on treacherous friends and lovers is something that genuinely works for other people and leaves them feeling better about themselves, then I don't suppose I can comment on that. Other than to say that if someone operates in that manner then I think it's highly important that they make that clear to anyone they get into a relationship with.

 

I was clear with subsequent employers about what I'd done and why I did it. I was also clear that I wouldn't do it again. There are two main reasons I wouldn't do it again. One - I proved something to myself about what I'm capable of achieving justice for myself when I put my mind to it. I don't need to prove that twice. Two - no employer would take me on if they thought I was likely to do the same thing to them. So I have to let them know I wouldn't. They've believed me, and they've been right to believe me.

 

Ending with a question for you. If you've taken revenge on an ex in the past - have you let subsequent partners know about this? Have you had a discussion with them about whether you'd wreak similar revenge on them if something went wrong in the relationship?

[Angel1111]

I think this stuff is ridiculous and has nothing to do with walking away with dignity. Most people don't have affairs to hurt others - that's why they hide it. And not doing vengeful things is not about being passive, it's about letting them do what they want and not sticking around for the grand finale. Of course, I'm sure that if a person chooses any one of the tactics you mention, any chances of reconcilliation go right out the door. If you don't care about that - which is understandable - then carry on. And if a woman has kids and needs child support after the divorce, destroying his career is pretty much like shooting yourself in the foot. But I never think any good comes from being vengeful. The best response is to file for divorce and walk away. That speaks volumes.

[NewSunrise]

I think this stuff is ridiculous and has nothing to do with walking away with dignity. Most people don't have affairs to hurt others - that's why they hide it. And not doing vengeful things is not about being passive, it's about letting them do what they want and not sticking around for the grand finale. Of course, I'm sure that if a person chooses any one of the tactics you mention, any chances of reconcilliation go right out the door. If you don't care about that - which is understandable - then carry on. And if a woman has kids and needs child support after the divorce, destroying his career is pretty much like shooting yourself in the foot. But I never think any good comes from being vengeful. The best response is to file for divorce and walk away. That speaks volumes.

It all depends on the circumstances between two people and the damage caused by the cheater (adulterer or what) and what you are protecting.

 

My xWS began a campaign against me less than a year of our M when he started his A. It took 2-1/2 years to find out only because his OW threatened him that if he didn't leave me for her she was going to come over and hurt me. Exposed the A to his family, friends and co-workers, his OW's family, friends and co-workers sending out emails between them. Then I walk away. Did I get satisfaction from exposing the truth? Absolutely. It was a matter of integrity between mine and his. Politics can be a "dirty game". Rather than campaigning against me, he had to change his campaign ads to "damage control". And he lost. Mutual friends lost respect for him. I'm now better friends with the people he knew before I came along.

[NewSunrise]

What I did was truly satisfying. I let him go to the ow, then she didn't want him. Am I enjoying watching his life continue to fall apart, hell yeah. And I absolutely love watching him age at twice the rate of a couple of years ago. Now if his d*ck would fall off:lmao:

:laugh::laugh:!!!!!!!

[fubarred]

Firstly, I didn't say that the best thing for me to have done would involve going and getting a better job. I said that I wouldn't do it again. You might not understand the difference - but there is a difference.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Ending with a question for you. If you've taken revenge on an ex in the past - have you let subsequent partners know about this? Have you had a discussion with them about whether you'd wreak similar revenge on them if something went wrong in the relationship?

 

 

In response to the first part of your post that quoted here, I assumed that you were in agreement with the others who say that the best "revenge" is to show the WS how much better off BS is doing after they have separated from the WS. Along those lines of thinking, the best thing for you to have done in the situation with your employers would have been to go get a better job and then rub it in your previous boss' face. You chose revenge instead, because you wanted to expose them for what they are... which is usually the main reason people choose to seek revenge after they are the victim of an affair. that's all I was saying. If you read my first post in this thread, you would see that my wife was trying to blame me for her mistakes and make herself look like a victim... just like your boss was. I'm having some trouble understanding why you can't see that it is the exact same thing.

 

As far as hurting someone you once loved... well, what do you think an affair does?

 

 

Now on to the question that you posed to me at the end of your last post... I have explained the reasons behind my actions and after she got her head on straight, she actually agreed with those actions because they helped her she how wrong she was. When the marriage has problems to begin with, it is too easy to dismiss anything your spouse is telling you. After everyone else in her life was made aware of the situation and she experienced that shame, it opened her eyes. I NEVER mentioned anything to her employer, because it would only hurt my children in the long run, and frankly, it's none of her employer's business. I wasn't out to hurt her, I was just trying to save my own good name. If she had not played dirty, I wouldn't have gone there either. My whole point, which you would understand if you had read my first post, was that SOMETIMES it is totally understandable to expose the WS's actions to the world.

[Taramere]

If you read my first post in this thread, you would see that my wife was trying to blame me for her mistakes and make herself look like a victim... just like your boss was. I'm having some trouble understanding why you can't see that it is the exact same thing.

 

As far as hurting someone you once loved... well, what do you think an affair does?

 

Well sure. Again, I've been on the receiving end of infidelity. I know what it's like. I see my personal life and my professional life as very separate. I don't want to post the details of what I did on the board, but I'll PM them to you so that you can get a clearer idea as to why I regard what I did as being very different to a betrayed spouse/partner getting revenge on the wayward partner.

 

Now on to the question that you posed to me at the end of your last post... I have explained the reasons behind my actions and after she got her head on straight, she actually agreed with those actions because they helped her she how wrong she was. When the marriage has problems to begin with, it is too easy to dismiss anything your spouse is telling you. After everyone else in her life was made aware of the situation and she experienced that shame, it opened her eyes. I NEVER mentioned anything to her employer, because it would only hurt my children in the long run, and frankly, it's none of her employer's business. I wasn't out to hurt her, I was just trying to save my own good name. If she had not played dirty, I wouldn't have gone there either. My whole point, which you would understand if you had read my first post, was that SOMETIMES it is totally understandable to expose the WS's actions to the world.

 

My focus on the thread, to be honest, was on the opening post. Because yours was a short post, I missed it first time around.

 

You see to me, what you did was very different from revenge. You took action that was intended to clear your own name. I agree that if an ex was portraying me as having some kind of behavioural disorder or generally being defamatory, then I would take appropriate action to clear my name. I don't believe that taking action to clear your name is the same as inflicting hurt on a person to punish them. That's not to say that feelings of vengefulness aren't liable to get mixed up with the desire to clear your name. It's important to monitor that, for your own emotional wellbeing. The anger and hatred involved in vengeful desire isn't likely to benefit the health of the person experiencing those emotions.

 

Ultimately my feeling after being cheated on was "I want to minimise the emotional harm this does to me. I don't want this guy to destroy the person I am. I don't want to get bitter and angry about men." Spending time thinking up ways to get revenge on him would have involved continually opening those wounds instead of just getting on with recovering from the breach of trust.

 

The guy means absolutely nothing to me now. If I bumped into him in the street I'd probably just say a quick hello and walk on. If I heard he'd died, I'd think it was sad but I doubt I'd be so upset that I'd actually cry about it. If I'd taken any kind of revenge on him, I don't think I'd feel like that. The act of taking revenge becomes as part of who you are....just as the act of cheating on someone does.

 

I loathed that former boss of mine while I worked for him, but once I was out of the place and he was no longer in a position of power over me, I had no particular feelings for him. It's the difference between someone who hurts you personally and someone who does it professionally. Although he made efforts to attack me personally, it didn't work because I didn't care enough about him. It was the professional attack that got to me...and I'm pretty confident that what I did was better (from the angle of showing "this is how good I actually am at my job") than if I'd just walked away quietly.

 

ETA - can't PM you as you haven't enough posting rights. All I can say is that getting my own back involved showing, without doubt, that I was better at the job than he was. And my success in doing that was enough to persuade other people to offer me work, despite the evident risk to them in doing so.

[scoty]

Well what happened to me was that I switched his laptop on when he wasn't at home and found lots of hot e-mails a young girl, a 20 year old student, had written to him during 6 months. I was furious and wanted to confront him with it but instead I just took screenshots of all the e-mails she had written to him and then posted them on the internet. Well, at the beginning he was quite surprised then he just laughed about it. To my surprise also the other girl laughed about it.... until word spread and everybody started laughing about THEM!! Well yes, my little revenge did make me feel better.