Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 How do you get rid of this? As I have posted, I think I may be getting engaged soon. No high expectations for me, however lately I find myself getting paranoid that he isn't committed to me at all. Like he's changed his mind or something! This past weekend I went to South Carolina with my family and had the best time. While I was gone he spent a lot of time with his best friend just hanging out.(he recently moved back to our area to go to grad school). It was guy stuff, and I wasn't there so I know he needed something to do. But I found myself getting irrationally paranoid that he didn't miss me and that he enjoyed me being away because he doesn't want a live in gf/fiance/wife. That sounds irrational because of course he missed me and said so himself. I'm trying not to worry about it, but I guess I'm worried he'll suddenly decide he wants to be single again like his friend. I'm trying to tell myself that that isn't going to happen, and reassure myself that he loves me and wants to be with me. I didn't need the reassurance before. Ugh!!!
Walk Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 You're scared he's going to change his mind? That suddenly he'll "wake up" and realize he's making a huge mistake? Is that what you're scared of?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 You're scared he's going to change his mind? That suddenly he'll "wake up" and realize he's making a huge mistake? Is that what you're scared of? Yeah, maybe. His best friend moving to town has really done a number on me. I don't know if I'm jealous or just paranoid that he'll jump on the "single guy bandwagon" and realize that a committed relationship/engagement/marriage is not what he wants. His best friend is very needy and he is desperate for a gf. He comes on VERY strong when he meets a girl, therefore he chases her away. I think that he latches on to my bf as a type of "replacement." I don't have a problem with him hanging out with his friend..it just irks me that he went out with his friend the entire weekend, similar to what a single guy would do. Like how their relationship USED to be before we got together.
Walk Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I don't have a problem with him hanging out with his friend..it just irks me that he went out with his friend the entire weekend, similar to what a single guy would do. Like how their relationship USED to be before we got together. Why wouldn't he use that time to spend with friends? Doesn't mean he was seeking freedom from you. Only that he had a chance to devote his time to the other people he cares about. Especially since he had a chance to reconnect with an old friend. I dont' think your paranoid... I think your bf has created situations that have made you feel less important then his friends. And has stongly given the impression that he enjoys the single life. I don't think he wants to be single, I think he just wants more time with his friends then you're comfortable with. That may be something you two could comprimise on. Maybe you could offer suggestions for ways that your bf could make you feel more secure with his need for boys nights out.. i.e. He could devote a couple hours to having quality time with you the day before. Or potentially you could suggest to him that he can freely spend time with his friends if he'll set aside 2 nights a week as "date" nights with you? Some action on his part to show he desires time alone with you. I used to get upset with my H hanging out with his single friends.. especially when one of them told my H to leave me when we had an argument one time. What helped was I reassured him he could spend all the time he wanted with them, as long as he would commit to having dinner with me that evening. (he's not a bar hopping type person so that wasn't taking away from his time with his friends. He would've been home by then anyway) The point was just to have him say he was willing to set aside time for just us. Not that I was taking anything from him, but he was verbally agreeing that he wanted to spend time with me. Maybe you could adapt that to your situation?
Ariadne Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Nah, Most likely with the single friend he is going to realize how lucky he is to have a gf and regular sex etc. And be glad that he doesn't have to deal with that (like married people say here.) Most guys are happy when they are living with someone and are having sex, unless the situation is impossible. He'll probably become more attached like most guys do.
Shygirl15 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 LB, can you just relax and let nature take its course? Appears to me that you're constantly trying to figure things out, his moves, his thoughts etc, etc, which is not good and can be stressful to you. To me he appears as a nice guy and a nice boyfriend who truly wants to commit to you. I mean why on earth is he still staying with you, if that's not what he wanted? Relax, girlfriend
whichwayisup Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 This past weekend I went to South Carolina with my family and had the best time. While I was gone he spent a lot of time with his best friend just hanging out.(he recently moved back to our area to go to grad school). It was guy stuff, and I wasn't there so I know he needed something to do. But I found myself getting irrationally paranoid that he didn't miss me and that he enjoyed me being away because he doesn't want a live in gf/fiance/wife. Realistically, you were away and had a fantastic time with your family...He hung out with his BF and had a great time. I don't see the difference. This all comes down to trust and faith in your boyfriend/fiancee. Don't go looking for problems where there are none. Now, in the upcoming weeks if the BF (bestfriend) is around TOO much and spending every minute with your boyfriend/fiancee, then deal with it then. In the meantime, get to know the BF, so you won't feel jealous or in competition with him.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Realistically, you were away and had a fantastic time with your family...He hung out with his BF and had a great time. I don't see the difference. This all comes down to trust and faith in your boyfriend/fiancee. Don't go looking for problems where there are none. Now, in the upcoming weeks if the BF (bestfriend) is around TOO much and spending every minute with your boyfriend/fiancee, then deal with it then. In the meantime, get to know the BF, so you won't feel jealous or in competition with him. Yeah you are absolutely right. We both had good weekends and spent time with other people. I guess I feel that my family isn't going to take me away from my BF, but his friend could very well take my BF away from me. I really do trust him. He asked me last night if I believed him when he said he missed me. I looked at him and he could tell by the look on my face that I didn't fully believe him. I feel bad and I am trying to figure out why I am feeling this way so I can fix it. My BF did say that his friend has a new "lady freind" so maybe that will occupy some of his time and he won't be so clingy. I have talked to him, and I know he is really struggling with loneliness and depression over not having a relationship. I feel bad and all, but I dont want his reliance on my bf to interfere with our relationship.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Sheesh, he wants to go to this festival near his friend's apartment this weekend!!! Man didn't he get enough? I told him that I would think about it, but I was hoping we could have our own special weekend. I even told him this, he said it was a good idea, then suggested we go to this festival thing on Saturday night. Something else that happened that was weird was that when he picked up my dad and I at the airport last night, he did not ask us about our weekend at the beach, he started talking about his weekend with his friend! We both tried to change the subject several times, and he kept bringing it back to his friend. It's like he's obsessed or something! Is that normal?
shadowplay Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Relax, girl. You have nothing to worry about based on what you've written here. Your bf loves you and is obv very committed to you. Look at all the women on here who don't have that and count yourself lucky.
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 LB, his friend cannot 'take him away from you' the only person who could do that is himself! You should chill out and relax and let him have his guy time. He will only crave it more if you try to stop him Use it as time to catch up with your own friends. Just because you are a couple it does not mean you have to be together all the time. I think time apart is healthy and I also believe that he would not be unfaithful to you. He has hinted at marrying you hasnt he? Sit back and ........ Chillaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
AriaIncognito Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Yeah, maybe. His best friend moving to town has really done a number on me. I don't know if I'm jealous or just paranoid that he'll jump on the "single guy bandwagon" and realize that a committed relationship/engagement/marriage is not what he wants. His best friend is very needy and he is desperate for a gf. He comes on VERY strong when he meets a girl, therefore he chases her away. I think that he latches on to my bf as a type of "replacement." I don't have a problem with him hanging out with his friend..it just irks me that he went out with his friend the entire weekend, similar to what a single guy would do. Like how their relationship USED to be before we got together. I'll give you one thing, you certainly like to create problems for yourself. Let me translate what you just said to us in a few sentences. It will come off as harsh, and I apologize, but I think someone needs to be blunt (and I apologize of someone else already has as I didn't get to read the entire thread. 1.) You went away on vacation to South Carolina, without him. 2.) You had a great time while away. 3.) You expect him to sit at home and do nothing while you're out having fun Why do you have the right to do things but he doesn't? I don't understand why it matters that he had a good weekend with someone else, it's not like he's going to start dating his guy friend. If it were a woman, I could understand your insecurity here, but honestly, 2 guys hanging out, in your absense, well, that's normal. If he goes away, do you sit at home and do nothing? I'd guess not. Why does he have different rules to follow? Sorry if it sounds harsh, again, but honestly, your threads are 99% of the time creating mountains out of molehills. I find this particularly distrissing, coming from someone who is training/trained in your line of work.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 I'll give you one thing, you certainly like to create problems for yourself. Let me translate what you just said to us in a few sentences. It will come off as harsh, and I apologize, but I think someone needs to be blunt (and I apologize of someone else already has as I didn't get to read the entire thread. 1.) You went away on vacation to South Carolina, without him. 2.) You had a great time while away. 3.) You expect him to sit at home and do nothing while you're out having fun Why do you have the right to do things but he doesn't? I don't understand why it matters that he had a good weekend with someone else, it's not like he's going to start dating his guy friend. If it were a woman, I could understand your insecurity here, but honestly, 2 guys hanging out, in your absense, well, that's normal. If he goes away, do you sit at home and do nothing? I'd guess not. Why does he have different rules to follow? Sorry if it sounds harsh, again, but honestly, your threads are 99% of the time creating mountains out of molehills. I find this particularly distrissing, coming from someone who is training/trained in your line of work. I'd be saying the same thing to a client or poster as you just said to me if this was someone else. I appreciate your honestly and you are right. He should have a fun weekend with his freind. I do have some insecurity when it comes to his friend and I am going try to get over it. It's just hard though. You are also right that I create moutains out of molehills. I guess I chose to create my own problems to forget about what everyone else's are that I listen to all day. I know it's normal for guys to hang out. I suppose I'm just a little jealous or insecure that he'd rather be with him then me. I know thats not true though, I just have to keep convincing myself that it's not.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 LB, his friend cannot 'take him away from you' the only person who could do that is himself! You should chill out and relax and let him have his guy time. He will only crave it more if you try to stop him Use it as time to catch up with your own friends. Just because you are a couple it does not mean you have to be together all the time. I think time apart is healthy and I also believe that he would not be unfaithful to you. He has hinted at marrying you hasnt he? Sit back and ........ Chillaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Yes, you are very right. I know that his friend can't take him away from me, I guess I'm insecure/jealous of the time they spend together. I know that might sound weird. The other reason I may be having a hard time with this is because my best friend moved to California a few months back (across the country). So now I don't have MY best friend here for me to hang out with, so I may be jealous that he has his now.
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Ok then,so just put it down to jealousy on your behalf and move on from those feelings. You have nothing to worry about BUT if you cause a huge HOOHAR over this then you WILL have a problem on your hands. You are both young and do not have children YET so enjoy your youth and ability to still party and CHILLAXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!! (Chillax is my new word for the day lol)
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Ok then,so just put it down to jealousy on your behalf and move on from those feelings. You have nothing to worry about BUT if you cause a huge HOOHAR over this then you WILL have a problem on your hands. You are both young and do not have children YET so enjoy your youth and ability to still party and CHILLAXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!! (Chillax is my new word for the day lol) Lol, chillax. Thanks, you are right I need to "chillax." I'm just going to let it go and hope that his friend finds a life of his own. So far it sounds like he is trying to so I'm happy for him.
allina Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I'm just going to let it go and hope that his friend finds a life of his own. The above struck me as VERY odd. How is his friend hanging out w/ your bf (his old, good friend) turn in to the friend not having his own life? Hanging out with friends IS having a life! It seems like you want to push everyone away and out of your bf's life so it's just the two of you. I think you have a great relationship LB and I'm happy for you. I also feel like I can relate to you in some ways, we're the same age, have both been in our Rs about 2 years, live w/ our SOs etc. But sometimes you say something that seriously throws me for such a loop. Would you have preferred that your bf called you a million times while you were gone to tell you he misses you and needs you home? In my opinion he acted like a normal, healthy, sane, young man in a relationship by hanging out with a friend.
amymarieca Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Sheesh, he wants to go to this festival near his friend's apartment this weekend!!! Man didn't he get enough? I told him that I would think about it, but I was hoping we could have our own special weekend. I even told him this, he said it was a good idea, then suggested we go to this festival thing on Saturday night. Something else that happened that was weird was that when he picked up my dad and I at the airport last night, he did not ask us about our weekend at the beach, he started talking about his weekend with his friend! We both tried to change the subject several times, and he kept bringing it back to his friend. It's like he's obsessed or something! Is that normal? I don't mean to be rude, but I have to be honest. This is exactly the type of behaviour that drives men away. You won't be getting engaged soon if these are the thoughts that run through your mind. Stop over-analyzing every little detail and relax! Think about this: If a man is going to decide that he doesn't want to be with you because he wants to be single again, then he is not worth it in the first place. He would actually be doing you a favour because you will not have married him first. Once you believe that, you can have your power back and won't need to worry about every little detail.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 I don't mean to be rude, but I have to be honest. This is exactly the type of behaviour that drives men away. You won't be getting engaged soon if these are the thoughts that run through your mind. Stop over-analyzing every little detail and relax! Think about this: If a man is going to decide that he doesn't want to be with you because he wants to be single again, then he is not worth it in the first place. He would actually be doing you a favour because you will not have married him first. Once you believe that, you can have your power back and won't need to worry about every little detail. Thanks for your response. Yeah, I know, after I posted that and got everyone's responses I realized I was being stupid. Everything is fine with my bf, actually he told me his friend is making some friends of his own, which is good. I had this stupid gut reaction to his friend, I don't know why it bothers me so much. Most likely his friend will have a life of his own and he won't need to cling to my bf as much. Thanks though, I'm going to try to-as Lishy put it-chillax!
Nevermind Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 How is it clinging to your boyfriend if the two of them spend a weekend together?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 How is it clinging to your boyfriend if the two of them spend a weekend together? No it's not just this past weekend. His friend has always relied on him for his sole entertainment because he was lonely and desperate for a gf. And when my BF was single it worked for both of them, they would go out and do "single guy stuff" (get drunk at bars to look for girls). Things have been different because my Bf is not single again, and I think that it made his friend even more desperate and lonely. But anyway, his friend is very needy, but I really hope he is able to find a girl he likes.
zicke Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I don't see how wanting to hang out with your best friend is being needy. Especially since he just moved into the area. The poor guy is trying to get his footing, learn the city, make friends, go out, etc... You really need to examine why you need your boyfriends constant attention and affirmation. What shot out is me is that when he asked you if you believed he missed you and you mentioned that it showed on your face that you didn't believe him. Men need to be trusted by their SO's. You so obviously do not trust your live in boyfriend that you want to get married to. Why is that? What has he done to make you distrust him? To be quite frank, if you continue this behavior, you will not be getting engaged. Do some internal work. You are really climbing the toxic relationship mountain. Every person needs time out from a relationship, and they are allowed to have fun while not with their SO's. Two people are not meant to base their complete happiness only on their partner. For a relationship to be successful, both partners need to spend time with friends, family or alone--with out their SO. The poor man is allowed to go out, have fun, without you, and not think about you the entire time. 24/7 is unhealthy. In addition, I don't see what the big deal is about going to the fair by his friends house---why not hang out with him and his friend? You two live together, you see each other every day, alone, go out with other people as well. You might have fun, you might like the guy. Just, really chill out.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 I do trust him. Yes, I do have some insecurities and trust issues because of being hurt in the past. I'm trying to work through these, but it IS hard to do. I believe he missed me and I told him so. I told him the truth why the situation was hard for me and he was very understanding. He knows what I am going through with my friend leaving. Yeah, I'm really trying to not rely on him so much. Sometimes I do get too wrapped up in my bf and neglect my own free time or time with others. I love him so much, and I don't know what I would do without that. I realize that I am being a little too dependent, and I am trying to change that. Again, it's hard for me. The fair is not a big deal. The 3 of us do hang out, sometimes I feel a little out of place though because they talk about high school and guy stuff. I tend to feel like the third wheel when I'm around them. I think there are going to be people from my BF's work there as well though, so I'm willing to go. I was a little pissed off about the whole thing when I wrote that about the fair. I have thought about it since and realized I was being rediculous. I have no clue why I am jealous and insecure about his friend. It sounds dumb when I even say it to myself. I miss MY best freind and I feel like I really don't have anyone now. It's really hard, so I think that my jealousy and reliance on my bf is because I feel like I don't have anyone else.
zicke Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Well, LB, obviously one of the issues here is that your best friend just moved away, and his just moved back. So, you need to go out and get yourself some new friends so you are not so dependant on your boyfriend for all of your entertainment and emotional needs. Do it! Do it now! LOL.
bigmanpayne Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Nah, Most likely with the single friend he is going to realize how lucky he is to have a gf and regular sex etc. And be glad that he doesn't have to deal with that (like married people say here.) Most guys are happy when they are living with someone and are having sex, unless the situation is impossible. He'll probably become more attached like most guys do. yeah if you are already his girlfriend then i wouldnt worry about it. it is a 50/50 thing. half of the guys like stickin' and movin' and half like having a steady sex partner and not being alone. he seems like the type who likes having a girlfriend. he probably looks at his friend and thanks God that he is nothing like him and doesnt have to deal with the crap he has to deal with. when i was married i hung out with my single friends and felt lucky that i wasn't them.
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