shadyp Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Hi there, I am my boyf's first girlfriend. we have been together for two years. He has recently gone away for 4 weeks with family. 1 and a half weeks later I get texts off him with issues about trust. he doesnt trust me, thinks I go out clubbing with guys and that I talk behind his back. Why does he think this? He left me last year august for 4 months. In that time I got very sad. At first I stayed at home,cried,lost weight-the usual drill. Towards the end I started going out. I was looking for somone to replace him. He knows about this. There was one guy in particular. I told him it to show to him I am not a sap and that he should have never left. We gave it another go. But since then he has not trusted me. I try saying to him: your the one I wanti don't like no-1 but youthat was then-messed circumstances but now its all about u n methat i am sorry. I feel like giving up on him. It vexes me that he doesn't want to trust me therefore he is throwing away what we have. Its too much hassle. He makes me feel dirty, like a tart because I drink and go out clubbing. I have calmed down a lot since but its stuck in his mind. End line: what on earth do I say or do to make him trust me or get him on side?
Enema Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I posted in another thread recently with ways people get past jealousy issues that I think is relevant here: I think jealousy can go away in a few ways: 1) Naturally fades as you mature 2) A few failed relationships because of it wake you up to its futility 3) Mind altering drugs give you a different perspective on life/love 4) Counselling Your guy sounds pretty immature... it might take a breakup because of his jealousy to make him give it up. The downside of course is that you'll have fixed him, for his next girlfriend
Javelin Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 So basically, he can have a life, while you wait around for him? Kick his ass to the curb and find someone who'd appreciate you better.
Walk Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I get the feeling that in his mind you two weren't really broken up. That he still had possession of you during that time frame. Therefore he feels you 'cheated' on him. That's the only possibility I can think of for why he'd be upset about a single woman going out to meet single men. I think if this is something you want to attempt to work out with your bf, then you need to discuss it with him. This is how I would do it.. I'd ask him to explain in depth why he feels he can't trust me. And after he was done talking, I'd point out all the holes in his thinking and ask him why he feels those are valid thoughts. I'd keep at it til he either broke, or he got so frustrated he left. I'd make sure that the questions were said in a caring way (not mean or resentful sounding), but I'd keep hammering away at it til I either had an explaination I could understand, or he understood how irrational his thought processes were, or either of us got so frustrated that we just called an end to the whole relationship. But to be honest with you, I would rather be single then made to feel guilty for actions that were normal and morally correct. I also think your statements of reassurance (which should work in normal circumstances) are adding fuel to his jealousy issues. He isn't thinking rationally, so any statements of reassurance are heard as platitudes. That you're trivializing his pain and suffering. I'm pretty positive that what he's hearing when you say "we were not together at that time", he hears "I don't care how you feel, I'll do what I want". I think you need to draw the line on this one. Let him know where it is, and what you are willing to do to ensure the relationship is successful, but if he crosses that line... you two are through. Boundaries. Its disrespectful to you when he insinuates that you behaved inappropriately because you weren't faithful to him while broken up.
Author shadyp Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 hey thanks for the replies. he is still away at the moment on his holiday with his family. I have 3 weeks until i actually see him. we were texting each other every day but its slowed down now. he asked me today what the verdict was...even though he hadnt really asked me to make a choice-he just kept accusing.i said well i dnt wanna break up. he is a million miles away and i cant sort anything out from here. i have wait until he gets back. so i guess u will sit tight and wait... the last reply was cool.
AAlike Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 OP - why did he leave you last August? Was it these same "trust issues"?
Author shadyp Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 he left last august for several reasons: his mum was ill-depression. he cud not cope with my needs-emotionally. he got jealous that a guy pinched my but in a club. there was a build up 2 it all. what can i say, he was new to relationships, didnt really care for what he had, left and realised he did want me in his life. i believe he was 'single' and didnt look elsewhere at the time. he is really old fashioned like that.
bish Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Hi there, I am my boyf's first girlfriend. we have been together for two years. He has recently gone away for 4 weeks with family. 1 and a half weeks later I get texts off him with issues about trust. he doesnt trust me, thinks I go out clubbing with guys Well do you? Obviously he didn't pull this out of thin air. With guys or not, do you go clubbing?
theobserver Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Ok well, this situation is tricky but you're not so innocent yourself. Yes I'm going to say his breaking up for 4 months must of been hard on you, clearly he needed time to think and as far as you know he didn't hook up with anyone else that's not too uncommon as nothing you suggested would seem he's the serial dater/player just a focus on a longterm guy. Obviously in getting back together when you told him about the guy you were with I'm sure this is heartbreaking, he perhaps presumed like him you were dying inside AND if you would of told him you hooked up with another guy in a patronising way "that you're not a sap" that would surely hurt alot too, shows you had no regrets (while you shouldn't have) but it lacks compassion for his emotions and ego(the most important thing to a man). He's throwing out accusations and making you feel like crap for when you went out clubbing and drinking and as he says with guys. Is there some truth for this? I mean obviously you are clubbing and drinking but are you going to these places with groups of guys? or is it just girls or a mixture or heaven forbid ALONE! depending on the answer I can understand his feelings. Now if he's not the clubbing type you can not expect him to understand what goes on, along with any other complaint. (By the way like most guys when they go clubbing they whole heartedly expect the majority of the women there are slu*s and easy lays that's just how it is wether you like it or not) Do you invite him to go with you? If not why? (presuming he doesn't want to come) Here's the real problem, your reassurances wont work, what he truely wants is for you to admit what you did was wrong, and I presume to apologise/stop doing it. Obviously unless you can agree you are doing something that might be rather inappropriate now you're a couple again you do not have to feel obliged to do so. What his main problem is "You're his first girlfriend" he has all these ideas, standards and visions of how you should behave, what should be said etc and he has not quite learned that women are as flawed as men if he had the chance to date a few people he would know this. You need to have a talk with him in person because all these texts just wont cut it, and because of the reasons he's away his emotions are at an all time high and things he's away with family and I bet he's now scared that you will go with another guy while he's away BECAUSE he could not establish in his mind that it was actually acceptable back when you broke up last year because you were no longer together. For you it was a step in trying to move on, for him it was betrayal even though it was not. You're a person with needs and desires too not all can be met by him but it doesn't mean it's going to lead to cheating (I hope). Just have a discussion in person and get out all the issues and make sure you both give eachother time to talk and LISTEN and then await responses and come to an agreement or break up.
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