roundedge7 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Hi, Im looking for some advice. I met this girl 11 years ago, and we have been extremely happy during this time and dating for that long. (I am early 30's she is late 20's)In the last year I noticed she got more emotionally distant. She used to be happy with the very simple things in life, never taking anything for granted and always very appreciateive. In the last year she has done a 180 turn on her personality and told me she is no longer happy. She used to be happy with the idea of getting married at city hall as long as she was with me - now she wants a fancy wedding. She used to be happy with small gifts, now she seems to turn her nose up at them, and almost seems insulted, even though these are things straight from the heart, that I have put a lot of effort into. (I sometimes search for gifts for months before finding it) She said she wants to go out to fancy restaurants a lot more (we currently go 4-6 times a year). She tends to be hanging out more in the bar type of environment, and wants me to go with her and her friends to those places. However, since I am a complete introvert, Im not into that or socialization in general. She wants to spend more time together - we currently spend two days a week together, and due to work constraints its difficult to spend more then that. (I dont know how this could be resolved). Im very appreciative of any time we get together, since every moment is precious, but she seems to not be appreciative of the time we spend together or me anymore. She is from a different culture, and I was completely rejected by her parents, so we have been going behing thier backs to see eachother for years. This was a nessecity due to thrests of physical volence from her parents. This may or may not have been the right thing to do, but its happened this way. She wants this to change, and wants me to keep pushing myself into her parents lives, to get them to change thier minds, no matter how much I am rejected or insulted. Im not sure its fair for me to be a emotional punching bag for years or the rest of my life. I thought this should be her responsibility, since its her parents, and her family. I could help her out of course, but I think most of this has to be on her. She feels that most of it should be on me to "change thier minds". I dont think its right for me to "force" myself into thier parents lives, after all its up to them if they want anything to do with me or not or welcome me. Im open to it, but they arent. As a side note my family had no problems accepting her from day one. Lastly, we havent made love in a year. Mind you we dont have many opportunitys to, and the last weekend getaway I planned, she fell asleep that night before we did anything. (I didnt say anything or complain of course, and just made sure she had enough blankets on her and such. I mean she fell asleep, happens to everyone I guess) When I try to kiss her she seems to recoil a bit. I know shes not cheating on me I really do trust her on this, but she doesnt seem as attracted to me. I really dont want to throw away 11 years, but I am seeing a bunch of warning signs here. She seems to be changing her values and beliefs, and has moved away from who she really is, to someone sho seems more materialistic, and doesnt value the little things in life. Im not sure if thats who she is becoming, and she admits that she is changing. Im not sure if shes really changing though, or she has fallen in with the more materialistic crowd. I guess I am looking for thoughts and opinions on this. Is it over? Should I just cut my losses? Am I being unreasonable? We are trying to work it out, but some of her requests seem very unreasonable to me, and they make me compromise myself. Naturally there should always be compromise, but I think I see myself giving up an awful lot, and shes giving up nothing or very little. She admits this, and says it is very unfair, but it basically has to be her way for her to be happy? Thoughts please?
Enema Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 She's late 20's and you have been together for 11 years. So she was a teenager when you got together. You say, She seems to be changing her values and beliefs, and has moved away from who she really is I'd say now she's not a teenager, has gone through the changes most kids do and is just now settling into "who she really is". Relationships that start in the teens seldom last very long because people have a lot of growing and changing to do... if you don't like who she is now, odds are you two should part ways while you're still young.
vonerik012 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 How did you get this woman to stick around for 11 years is my question..
spookie Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I see two things happening. As she's getting older, having dated you for 11 years, it's likely she is thinking about marriage and settling down. By the sounds of it, your R is still pretty immature - you're sneaking around behind her parents' back, don't live together and have no plans to, only see each other twice a week. She probably wants more. And it's probably making her re-evaluate if you are the person to give those things to her. And the "changes" you see... well, people change in their teens and twenties. I don't think she's becoming someone else as much as finally becoming herself. My questions to you are, where do YOU want this relationship to go?
Recommended Posts