citizen67 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Am I really the only one here who finds NC unworkable? I understand all the reasoning behind it, but couldnt do the misery of it. I went 2 weeks. Then I contacted him - he was happy to hear from me. I felt good. I was happy. Then he contacted me and we had a rendevous which was great, except the next morning he was cold towards me, making me feel kinda used. I don't know it just seems that 2 weeks of complete misery, which is what NC was for me, is alot to ask, there just didnt seem to be be a reprieve.
carhill Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 This is your brain on crack Seriously, that's all it (NC) is. Detox. Just imagine the most addictive drug there is. Yep, no rx and no shady street corners required. It's all made in-house. It's the drug that makes you do stupid things to perpetuate the species. NC helps wean you off that drug to regain your focus. You were miserable. I remember periods of uncontrollable tremors. It all depends how much, how long and how you're wired up (brain chemistry-wise). You'll go through it all over again now. Once you get over the hump (took me about six weeks), you can constructively grow and heal. Once this has begun, contact is still risky, but less so, as long as it isn't long-lived or intimate. Remember, NC is strictly for detoxing your brain and healing you. If the R was especially toxic, some IC might also help during this period to keep you focused.
Hopelessly_Devoted Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I think NC depends on the person and the situation, it is importan in order for you to move and heal (not saying theat down the line there is a future for you and him or not) but if there isn't you won't suffer or be used. It also gives them a chance to miss you. after 9 days NC my ex called and he was jealous as hell but right now there is no going back. I have moved on in the sense that I do not desire him romantically.
Author citizen67 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 I quit smoking after 20 years of more than one pack a day- so I know from addiction, and I really liked smoking, but its just that I know better than to smoke, as pleasurable as it was for me. The quitting contact, seems I am not at that point yet
Ingenue Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I can understand your position citizen67. In the beginning I thought NC was a pretty brutal measure to enact, especially considering that he was still emailing me birthday salutations and the like. I won't deny that the first few weeks were horrible on me because I went from everyday contact to zero contact; that's a difficult adjustment. At first I thought, my ex and I could be friends. But I came around to seeing the logic of NC. If I continued to have contact with my ex, nothing would have changed. I'd still be his best friend and his emotional support and I'd get the added bonus of hearing his escapades of dating other women. He'd have his cake and eat it too and I'd be left to clean the dirty dishes of my overactive imagination. While I find that NC on some days is a true test of my will power, I've come to understand that without it, I wouldn't be where I am (which isn't all that far as it is). Like you, I wish there was something in between. Maybe that intermediary step between contact and NC will come with time.
wareagle Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Like Carhill said, once you get over that hump it becomes easier. Be strong don't let him use you for sex! You are better than that!!
0hpenelope Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I've wondered about that initially - how NC doesn't work. When NC doesn't work, it's because it's too hard to implement at its initial stages. Thinking about it... Not talking to the one we care about the most, not having them in our life, etc. Wow, talking about it this way - in spite of what I would assume weeks since I decided to buckle down on NC with Lawrence - it sure does still send twists to my heart. It's an upheaval of something that we got used to. But there was something wrong with me feeling the temporary relief and joy of talking to Lawrence. Those good feelings... so transient... I don't feel that way when I say goodbye after talking to my friends. I carry good feelings with me after I leave. "It used to be that way with Lawrence. When we were just friends, I felt good after talking to him," I wondered. "So what's going on?" Simply put, I can't be friends with someone I'm in love with. Even when the time comes that I'm over Lawrence, I don't want to be friends with him again. Too risky. As hard as it was to initiate NC, the negative feelings of not being in touch with Lawrence are more workable than the negative feelings that come after I get in touch with him. I've got all of these expectations from him that he's not meeting and that's not fair to the guy... Most importantly, it's not fair to myself. He's not living my life - I am. I have to be okay for me. I can't relate with NC being a detox for addiction. Perhaps I've said that in the past, even though I shouldn't have because I've never been diagnosed as an addict to anything. But I can relate with NC being difficult in that someone who means so much to me, I have to let go of. That the person isn't going to be a part of my life anymore in a way that I wish he could or the way that I want him to... NC was definitely hard in that sense. But I had to do what I did - and I haven't looked back on the bridge I burned. My long $0.02. I think it should be $0.10 for length!
nowhereman82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Citizen, hang tough. NC doesn't happen over night. It has taken me 2 months to finally get it out of my system and I can confidently say that I will not be contacting what's their name any more. Now if they contact me, I think I would crack possibly. But control the controllables, right? Personally it took me one final email to kick the habit. I feel I have said my peace. And I did it for my closure. Maybe you might need something like that in the end....but for now, when you fall off the wagon, get back on. You will realize that the good feeling you get when you contact them is bullsh*t and leaves you miserable afterwards.
Beee Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Citizen 67 how I understand you.... NC is misery! I won't sit here and tell you its the right or wrong thing to do.... also cause so far I haven't REALLY managed to do it myself.... If it works for some people, then good, but surely it can't work for every one, can it? aren't we all supposed to be different? NC is hard, its painful, its horrible! I try and not contact my ex (and its only been 2 weeks since we broke up) and always feel so sad..... you are right, it is misery.... but I think what you have to weigh up is what makes you feel worse, the fact that you're not in contact or the way you feel after you've seen/spoken to him (quite a few hours later that is)? I think when the pain of not contacting him is less then the pain you go through every time you part, that's when NC might work. It's taken me a while to see it as time for me torecover, as opposed to seeing it as technique to get him back.... and that I think is very important! I had a few flirty emails with my ex (who I still love and feel incrdibly attracted to) and although the temptation to sleep with him one more time was so so big, what's stopped me from acting on it is that he will just get what he wants out of it, with no effore or commitment, and would leave me wanting more and hanging onto shreds of hope. What I'm holding onto now is the hope that it will soon get better. I hope you feel better soon and hope that either way (whether you decide to stick to NC or not) you do find peace of mind.
RogueAC Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 What I'm holding onto now is the hope that it will soon get better. Beee, I really like this sentiment, thanks for the thoughts, it comforting to know that other people share similar feelings. Maybe if I start hoping for something better I will stop hoping that he will contact me or want to get back together.
laars Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I always told my ex (breakup only 2 days) that if we finally did end it for good i wouldn't be able to speak to him or have anythign to do him. But when push came to shove that's a friggen hard situation to be in. Especially if its ended not because there's no love but because of other issues (he had massive issues trusting me and i had massive issues with him constantly monitoring my every move but we still love each other deeply). I've talked to him once since we broke up (his initiation) which was weird because while he dumped me it was me who took on the consoling role. since then there's been email conversations (my initiation... bad plan) which haven't made me feel any better. For now i think minimal contact is best. I think being apart is for the best. Can someone remind me i said that when i enevitably post again in an hour in tears?
Mending1985 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 NC made me totally miserable too and I didn't stick to it so here I am 2 YEARS LATER still hung up on him, we were still sleeping together until recently, talked before going to sleep, went to the movies, he took me to his work Xmas party etc. and now I wish I'd done NC a lot earlier. At least your friends will listen to you when you talk about how hard NC is etc. mine just look at me like "Shouldn't she be over this by now???" and "She's a bit obsessive isn't she..." Trust me, go NC now - my story should serve as a warning - noone wants to be in this position. It's pathetic.
sugahoney Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Mending1985, I get what you are talking about,I have been trying to go NC with my ex for 7 months and it doesnt really work, we see each other everyday and talk practically everyday and to stop all contact with him is the hardest thing to do, unfortunately the sex is still part of the equation but I want to end it but it is really not an easy thing to do. Any time i hang out with him I say to myself we will just be friends there will be no kissing no nothin and although i try my hardest it just doesnt seem to work. Yesterday I decided to post something on here about starting NC and within a couple of minutes of doing that and thinking I was fine with my decision he called me and just screwed things up. Yea In theory NC is a great idea if you want to heal and get over that person but your willpower has to be very strong if you and your ex are still on speaking terms, its the most difficult thing in the world to do.
roghornio Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 NC works... especially when they ignore your contact. It drives you crazy.
Ingenue Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 NC seems so unworkable today. I haven't buckled and contacted him, but today I feel this urge to contact him. I'm not sure if it's curiosity about his life or a sense of nostalgia or just a longing to speak to one of my best friends again.
Xillow Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 and in all likelihood you were used. I'm a firm believer that NC is not required to get over any breakup, it just depends on whether you find it easier to move on by using it. What you have to realize is that he IS just using you for sex. There is little chance he will ever become emotionally attached to you again. And even if he did want to date you again, he treated you "coldly", you should have the strength to find someone better. You should detach yourself from him the same way he did to you. Now the question becomes what is the easiest way for you to do that. If you can communicate with him and romantically detach yourself from him at the same time, then good for you. If not, then it's probably best for you to break contact with him until your feelings pass.
m00nstone Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 NC... I've only done it once, really. And it was because after the breakup, we couldn't stand each other. NC was done on both our parts for about 2.5 years. That included not acknowledging each other's presence when we ran into each other in public. It was effective. It helped me get over him in the sense that I loved him, but I didn't want to be with him. In the end, we did get back together, but that period of NC allowed both of us to move past the things that caused us to hate each other. To be honest, for me, NC is easier than trying to be friends with him and destroying myself with speculation. Of course, it's easier said than done. I value my friendships, every last one, and it wasn't until a few months ago that I finally stopped talking to an ex-boyfriend who was garbage, even in a friends capacity. I just felt like he wasn't worth ANY of my time. And rest assured, it does get better. There are many possibilities that NC could result in, but the most important one is you feeling great about yourself. It doesn't matter if it makes him/her come back or not because either way, you'll still be feeling great.
me007 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 It is like a drug... I talked to his person literally every day for a little over 2 years, seen each other every weekend, then seen each other everyday living together for 4 months. Now I just have to stop talking to them. I don't know how he doesn't feel like something is missing not talking to me (well, maybe he would if I kept n/c) and here I am taking all my will power not to email, call, text, IM.
Melrapuo Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 It is like a drug... I talked to his person literally every day for a little over 2 years, seen each other every weekend, then seen each other everyday living together for 4 months. Now I just have to stop talking to them. I don't know how he doesn't feel like something is missing not talking to me (well, maybe he would if I kept n/c) and here I am taking all my will power not to email, call, text, IM. Do the NC. I stopped begging my ex, and every now and then she randomly IM's me now. It's kinda like she gets pissed off that I DON'T talk to her, even though she broke up with me. Weird, I know.
Mending1985 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 My dream is to go NC long enough for him to miss me and contact me. I know he won't wanna get back together, but it would still be a small victory you know?
me007 Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Do the NC. I stopped begging my ex, and every now and then she randomly IM's me now. It's kinda like she gets pissed off that I DON'T talk to her, even though she broke up with me. Weird, I know. I know... all I can tell myself if that contacting him now will only push him further away...It's hard because really a day feels like a week, thats the best way to describe it. I haven't called him in a week, now, but it feels like alot longer. The last time we talked we had a pretty bad argument, so it's probably still fresh to him, but to me it seems like it happened a long time ago. This is around the time I get anxious..wondering what he's up to on the weekend. I'm aiming for a month now, even though I'm hoping it'll have the effect of him missing me, I'm also hoping it'll feel less and less anxious to contact him.
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