the original plan doesn't sound so good anymore

[vonerik012]

Where is the babies father?

 

I know people who always feel the answer is more school. Often times it isn't.. How will she have money for school, and an apartment, and all her bills, and take care of the kid, and have to cook and clean for herself and her child when she moves out in a couple months?

 

People in dire straights usually aren't getting advanced degrees. How will being in school for 2 more years pay for her child, and pay the bills?

 

And about the cooking and cleaning.. I dated a couple of women in the past that had hard times financially, (usually due to poor decisions), so I helped them by paying for everything. The problem was, they were just lazy. Even suggesting they help out around the house turned into "Oh, I am a house maid?" They might actually do their own dishes or cook once every 2 months, and then talk about this for weeks.

 

A man or woman with integrity would move out. Yes it might take time to get things in order. Maybe a week. Not 4 months to a year.

 

So this man should

 

A. Have her kid in his home

B. Pay most of the bills

C. Do half the cooking and cleaning

D. Entertain her

 

Chances are, she would still leave, and still be plotting..

[hcd03]

Some of you are right. I do feel like I'm using him. But that's my personal opinion. For those of you who care to know, I AM working. It took me 9 months to find a part-time job in this rural area. I was turned down for a lot of jobs because I was "overqualified" according to most of the return phone calls. Every single cent of my money goes to my bills and his as well. So don't tell me I'm living off his money. He may pay the rent, but I pay the utilities, the car, and the student loans. Before that, we used up MY savings to pay off bills. So I am NOT just mooching off him until I find something better.

 

And I have no intention of finding another guy to live with in graduate school. I honestly want to get a better degree to get a better job in an area/state that's actually hiring qualified individuals. I want to be able to provide for my son without having to worry every month about the bills. The only reason I moved in with my fiance in the first place was because we were engaged and planned to marry. I loved him then and honestly wanted to marry him. I lived in an apartment with my son before I met him and was doing very well in a full-time job. I had never lived with a man before my fiance.

 

And you know what, I didn't have much money during college either. I worked my butt off to get myself through college while taking care of my son. I took out loans, I applied to scholarships, grants, anything I could think of. I worked. I'll do the same in graduate school.

 

And I can't just up and move out. My son is a special needs child. He's on more medications than the elderly. But I DON'T want to use my fiance. It's why I'm trying to find a second plan that would allow me to leave sooner while still keeping my son's needs in mind.

 

To those of you who have been supportive and provided great insight, thank you. To those of you who think I'm a heartless bitch, guess again. I care more than you know.

[vonerik012]

Let me ask this...

Obviously you will take out more school loans? How will you be able to afford more school, care for your special needs child, rent, your old school loans, bills, utilities, etc?

 

You are hearing you are overqualified now.. And I know you are in a small town.. But just because you get a masters, don't think you will have the entire world breaking down your door to give you a high paying job..

 

Maybe you are just delaying the inevitable, which is being alone in the real world and working. I have seen many people do that just to graduate with more debt.. Then what?

[Jake Barnes]

Well we don't know what shes going to grad school for, but my guess is she'll be in a better situation financially if she does, even with the student loans.

 

OP you're first priority is to your child. It doesn't sound like you've ever been in a financially comfortable situation in your life and yet you chose not to abort, but to carry your child to term. I admire that and I don't think some guys really understand how hard it is to be a single mother.

 

I say even though you may hurt your fiance, carry on the charade if thats what you have to do. We don't live in the world of milk and honey like some people like to pretend. If you don't go to grad school you may be working 2 jobs for the rest of your life and struggling for health insurance with your kid.

 

I think Vonerik is being defensive of men and I understand that and I am a man, but when it comes down to it Im more defensive of children. Your fiance will get over it, but your child is vunerable to this cold world and you have the responsibility of providing any way you can. The world is too big to worry about everyone in it so just worry about your family first

[almost famous]

Yeah, Vonerik, did you get the fact that she 1. moved away from a full-time job to get engaged to this guy 2. paid many of the bills 3. used her savings to pay HIS bills?

Then he turns around and doesn't want to help at all and says "things will get better." You do mention "should he entertain her" well, how entertaining is it to be with a guy who sits around the house all the time? That is one of the number one causes of stress in a marriage when a man won't help and expects the woman to do everything, even though she works, also.

I would stop feeling attracted toward a man like that, too.

 

You did not even know what her degree is in she's pursuing, you sound just like her soon to be exfiance.

She fell in love, got engaged, moved in, found out he isn't the wonderful guy he made himself out to be before they moved in together (the ole bait and switch), so she's just supposed to marry this guy and be happy with a man who treats her like crap? YES, he's treating her like crap.

[vonerik012]

Neither of us are there, so we do not know who is treating who like crap. We are hearing one side of the story.

 

Admittedly she is using him.

 

I do not see why you are so hateful of this man. Do you think most single men want to move a single mom and her kid into their home? Another man's kid. Talk about cramping your lifestyle. He also plans on marrying her.

 

Have you dated a single mom? It's not like they are up for having some exciting lifestyle. Her life is largely devoted to her child. So yes, most nights are spent at home watching tv. I did not see her post that he is out going to bars all night by himself. Now it is a crime to be home with her and watching tv..

 

I know plenty of people with grad degrees that could not put them to use. Many people with college degrees as well. Networking is important.

 

Moving to a new city, not knowing anyone, and then just assuming you will get a great job immediately afterwards is almost a fantasy. Sounds good on paper, but not always in reality. And it also depends on the loan amount. Owing another 50 -60 k on top of what is already owed will not be the best idea..

 

 

And many women are different.. Is she scrubbing floors day and night? I know women that complain about doing any housework.. No, when you have a child, life is not always exciting. It won't be after she leaves him either.

[almost famous]

You didn't address the fact at all that she paid off his bills using her savings.

 

A marriage is a partnership and that means sharing in household chores and not getting upset because the other person didn't make you dinner after she herself is working and has a child.

 

Nope, not using him, he's not supporting her, she's paying a lot of his bills, too. She has a right to live there, she's not mooching off anyone, she's paying the household bills such as electric, etc., used up her savings for HIM.....she is not using anyone, it's her place, too.

[LoveLace]

Yep, obviously there is nothing for her to use in the 1st place, if she was already the one paying for and doing everything.

[wareagle]

With all this being said, the fact of the matter is, this man needs to be told the truth!!!!!

[vonerik012]

Why does she admit using him if they are paying everything 50-50?

 

 

This is what the misandrists are overlooking...

 

As an example, I have a close girlfriend with a special needs child, he is autistic. She is great company, but I cannot be at her place for more than an hour. The kid is yelling, screaming, throwing things, hyperactive, crying, etc.. It is a nightmare. She has basically realized she will never find a man to accept her AND this child.

 

The man in this story moved this woman AND her special needs child into his home.. Do you think a lot of men would be open to doing that? And what is his big crime? Watching tv.. Well what should he be doing with this woman and her special needs child.. Taking them out every night somewhere? Traveling? Going dancing? Fancy restaurants?

 

I didn't hear this woman say he beats her, cheats on her, won't get a job, or anything of that nature. She just feels the grass could be greener..So she decides to use him until she can get her own place or go to school...

[almost famous]

She's not using anyone, she's paying bills, too, and she paid HIS debts with her own money.

Just because she moved in with her child doesn't mean he treats her well. He obviously doesn't.

He gets angry at her when she doesn't clean and cook for him. WTF????

[vonerik012]

Once again, you are hearing one side of the story..

 

I dated a girl before that cooked one time in an entire year, and she later used this against me, saying I wanted a slave..She never even did her own dishes, and the one time she did she also brought this up complaining" she is always doing dishes"

 

I dated women that cooked for me 3 times a day, and never once complained. They enjoyed it.

 

I guess you think it is such a little thing for a man to open his home to a woman, and her special needs child. That can be hell in itself.

 

I am just saying, not many men are eager to marry a woman with a special needs child. Especially not the fun, crazy, exciting bad boys that would be more fun.

[almost famous]

It's their home that they're renting. She's paying bills, too, as well. It's not like you said, it's him "expecting" dinner to be cooked and then flipping out on her when she doesn't.

This is not a partnership and he is a lazy guy, and rude and unappreciative.....well, not he's gonna lose his fiancee.

[LoveLace]

Once again, you are hearing one side of the story..

 

I dated a girl before that cooked one time in an entire year, and she later used this against me, saying I wanted a slave..She never even did her own dishes, and the one time she did she also brought this up complaining" she is always doing dishes"

 

I dated women that cooked for me 3 times a day, and never once complained. They enjoyed it.

 

I guess you think it is such a little thing for a man to open his home to a woman, and her special needs child. That can be hell in itself.

 

I am just saying, not many men are eager to marry a woman with a special needs child. Especially not the fun, crazy, exciting bad boys that would be more fun.

 

 

Exactly, its obvious he isn't one of these guys..hence, she's leaving.

 

Why is it so hard to believe that once you realize something, it might take time to come to terms with it, before you are ready to talk about it? When she's ready to tell him she will, and that's as soon as he deserves it, period. I don't feel sorry for this guy for a second. It would be different if he sounded like something worth being sad about.

[Lizzie60]

You need to do what's right for YOU and your kid..

 

You are 'using' him.. who cares!.. good for you.. he is also using you.. so it's all good... men use women all the time..

 

Put as much money aside as you can.. to prepare for a few 'hard' months... it's not easy with a child.

 

Good luck!

[hcd03]

You know, we've been spending a lot of time talking about my fiance's negative aspects. I do just want to say that he does have his positive as well.

 

He's not a horrible guy. He can be very sweet and considerate when he wants to be. He cleaned part of the kitchen for me last week. I didn't have to ask him to do it. I really did appreciate that.

 

He's not physically abusive, he has a sense of humor, and I can laugh with him a lot when he's in a good mood. And there's a lot more good about him that I won't go into. It would make the post too long.

 

In the end, he has his good side and he has his bad side. He's lazy. He's a procrastinator. He spends money irresponsibly and more. But ultimately, it's about knowing whether he's "The One." There has to be that knowledge, and that continuing chemistry. Sometimes, like other relationships, that feeling just dies. And it has died with this relationship on my side. I think it died months ago and I'm only just recently realizing it. Should I marry him just because he's accepted my son?

 

No.

 

We've just had too many arguments, too much screaming and verbal abuse, a lot ending in his way or the highway. Well, I'm choosing the highway. Relationships need to be about compromise and support, and I've given up almost everything for him. It's time for me to take some back. And I've come to the realization that I don't need a man to make me happy. If I end up being single for a couple years or more... well.... I'll have to be happy for myself and continue living my dreams.

 

And besides, he's told me on more than one occasion that his job will be his first love. Family will always come second. He's stuck to his word on that.

 

And to answer a comment, I'm going to get a Masters in Public Administration. I'm wanting to go into the government sector either on a local or state level.

 

And my son is special needs, yes. But he's usually a very polite and well-disciplined child. I have been very fortunate with him and thank god every day that he's slowly getting better. I rarely ever get complaints on his behavior, and I get a lot of gushing compliments on how sweet he is. He obviously has his moments since he's still only a small child. Everyone has temper tantrums and the like. As he gets older, he may one day no longer be special needs.

 

And I've been doing a LOT of thinking concerning whether to tell my fiance yet or not. I've come to the conclusion that I will be telling him within the next three weeks or so. I just need to work up the courage. I've received several offers from friends to let my son and I stay with them if things to get so bad as to be kicked out. I hope it won't come to that and that we can continue to live in the same house until such a time we part.

 

I hope I have not painted my fiance in too bad a light. Ultimately, he is a very good man, and he loves to the best of his capacity. I'm hoping that one day he'll find a woman who will share similar goals with him and that they'll be happy in a small-town community living small-town dreams.

[hcd03]

On a side note to you, Wareagle, I've been in a ****ty relationship, too. A couple years ago, I dated a man for 18 months. Most of the relationship was absoluely wonderful. Nearly too good to be true. He even spent about 8 of those 18 months telling me he wanted to marry me.

 

Then he dumps me and a week later is dating some other woman. I know exactly how you feel concerning being strung along. It's humiliating and cruel.

 

That's why it's the last thing I truly want to do to my fiance.

[wareagle]

I hope everything works out for you! He sounds like a descent man, so I hope he is understanding and allows you time to find a place of your own. Good luck, and keep us posted!

 

Sorry I was so harsh on you in the beginning, you are not pathetic!

[almost famous]

Getting upset when she doesn't cook because he expects her to do so is not the sign of a decent man. No excuse for that behavior.

[hcd03]

::shrugs:: He only gets upset about my not cooking when he doesn't want to cook himself. He's the cook in the family. My idea of cooking is tossing something in the microwave. Every once in a while, I think he just wants a nice dinner that he didn't have to make. Usually I oblige, but every once in a while neither of us feels like cooking and I get the short end of the stick. I think it's a stupid thing to get yelled at for. Sooo, it's a personality thing for both of us.

 

I've decided I'm going to be leaving September 5th. I'll tell him on the 1st or 2nd and give him some time to calm down so that the last things we say to each other won't be in anger.

 

My friends are going to let my son and I stay with them until I get a job and get everything situated up there. Wish us luck.

 

This is so hard....

[LoveLace]

You will be just fine! You have a plan, that's the best way to start.

 

Be prepared for all possibilities: him yelling at you, begging you not to go, or insisting that you stay just a little longer. Think of how you would handle each of those in the best way you know how. It could go anyway. No matter what though you'll do fine.

[You'reasian]

I don't think I'm being selfish at all. He's used me for the past 18 months. To get out of debt, to have someone to sleep with at night, to have a virtual house maid to clean up after him all the time, to get things for him when he's too lazy to get up off his ass to do it himself, etc.

 

We never go out, he watches tv all the time when he's not working, he gets mad at me when I don't cook (despite the fact that I have to clean the whole freakin' house because he won't do it), he spends money we don't have, we rarely ever talk because he usually just tells me I'm being irrational about wanting more for my life.

 

At first, he was wonderful and very considerate. But it's been all about HIM for the past 9-10 months. I'm suffocating here, and he hasn't listened to me every single time I've told him. I've TRIED communicating with him about how unhappy I am. I've TRIED to get him to compromise so that we can both be happy. He just tells me that things will get better, and that I'll start to like this dingy little town eventually. Well, things haven't gotten better, I'm made for more than a sh*thole town, and HE'S being selfish for taking and taking and TAKING more than he ever gives. He can do his job ANYWHERE. They're constantly hiring everywhere. The economy in my surrounding area has been LAYING OFF my occupation for the past year.

 

If it were just me, I'd leave right now. But I have my son to think about.

 

So thank you for telling me that I'M being selfish.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation, hcd. The economy is in a recession and there's not alot one can do except continue to look for work and stay active.

 

As far as your man is concerned, you might consider dragging him into some kind of relationship counselling. Atleast you can show that you are willing to do what you can to get help for the both of you and attempt to salvage what you have.

 

About cooking? Cook together. Share the work. I enjoy cooking with my gf when we can be together - I got to make the BBQ while she made salad, pasta etc. and in between turning the meat over, we flirted non-stop . Sneak up behind your man when he's cooking and start messing with him. I do the same with my girlfriend.

[You'reasian]

Can you get him into hobbies that will get him off the t.v.? Perhaps one that the two of you can enjoy?

 

Get him to take you dancing.

 

Go rent a kayak and get some quality time at a lake.