hcd03 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Oh, I really don't know what to do right now. I feel like my heart is breaking in two. For any of you who's been reading my threads, I'm planning on leaving my fiance. However, I haven't found the right time to tell him. Mostly because I have a son to worry about and I'm afraid he'll kick us out or something when I finally do tell him. I know I'm going to hurt him badly when I tell him. The original plan was to tell him around November after I'd received an acceptance letter and then move out of state sometime in December once I'd been accepted to a University for a masters program. That's in another 3 or 4 months! I decided this back in June and I've become distant towards my fiance. Affection has become practically non-existent on my end and we argue a lot. Today, he tried to become intimate with me, and I just didn't know what to do. I responded, but emotionally, it meant nothing to me; and I'm just not that type of woman. I had to keep myself from crying afterward. I feel like my heart is breaking and that I should just tell him. But I have no back-up plan. My mother is going to be living in an efficiency apartment, my dad lives across the county, far away from the college I'm trying to get into, my part-time job is in the area I live (the economy has been horrible here and I haven't been able to find a decent full-time job), and there's no one else I feel I can turn to. I do have some friends who live up near the University I'm applying to, but I feel as though I'd be inconveniencing them if I asked them if it would be possible to stay with them up there for a few weeks until I found a job and an apartment for me and my son. I'd also be pretty much giving up any job security I have here to go there and TRY and find a job. I'll still have bills that would pile up if it took any longer. Oh, I just don't know!!!!
wareagle Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 So you are just going to use this guy until you can get your life together? Pathetic!! Pull your skirt up and do it allready!! You think you will have it bad when you dump the news on him? Think about him for once and think about what it's going to do to him! You are being selfish! You don't mention why you have lost love for this man, or if you were ever really in love with him. He deserves the truth, no matter how hard it's going to be for YOU!!
Author hcd03 Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 I don't think I'm being selfish at all. He's used me for the past 18 months. To get out of debt, to have someone to sleep with at night, to have a virtual house maid to clean up after him all the time, to get things for him when he's too lazy to get up off his ass to do it himself, etc. We never go out, he watches tv all the time when he's not working, he gets mad at me when I don't cook (despite the fact that I have to clean the whole freakin' house because he won't do it), he spends money we don't have, we rarely ever talk because he usually just tells me I'm being irrational about wanting more for my life. At first, he was wonderful and very considerate. But it's been all about HIM for the past 9-10 months. I'm suffocating here, and he hasn't listened to me every single time I've told him. I've TRIED communicating with him about how unhappy I am. I've TRIED to get him to compromise so that we can both be happy. He just tells me that things will get better, and that I'll start to like this dingy little town eventually. Well, things haven't gotten better, I'm made for more than a sh*thole town, and HE'S being selfish for taking and taking and TAKING more than he ever gives. He can do his job ANYWHERE. They're constantly hiring everywhere. The economy in my surrounding area has been LAYING OFF my occupation for the past year. If it were just me, I'd leave right now. But I have my son to think about. So thank you for telling me that I'M being selfish.
LoveLace Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 You are in a hard situation. They say that "God only gives you what you can handle". So you'll be ok, so will your son. Don't be afraid to ask your University friends about a place to stay. I'm sure that someone will be willing to help you. Things will take a while to work out, but you will get there. Maybe those same friends could also give you job leads. Spend time with them, get to know them better, etc., You should form a support system of some kind for yourself; you'll be glad to have that when times feel they are at the worst. Those times will come and go. You are doing something that millions of women do everyday. There are also millions who stay just because they are too scared to do what you are doing. You are doing the right thing. As long as you have a do-able plan, and take it day by day, everything will turn out just fine; it just takes patience. It wouldn't hurt to educate yourself a little about stress management..to be prepared for unexpected times that seem extra difficult.
LoveLace Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 So you are just going to use this guy until you can get your life together? Pathetic!! Pull your skirt up and do it allready!! You think you will have it bad when you dump the news on him? Think about him for once and think about what it's going to do to him! You are being selfish! You don't mention why you have lost love for this man, or if you were ever really in love with him. He deserves the truth, no matter how hard it's going to be for YOU!! No one said breaking up with someone is easy.
wareagle Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I never said it was easy!! What I don't understand and it makes me mad as hell is that she is stringing him along! Thank you hcdo3 for explaining a little about your situation, I'm sorry I never went back and read your previous posts, so maybe I was a bit harsh on you! I have been the one who was on the ****ty end of a relationship and got strung along until she found someone better than me so I guess I am a little bitter about it!! With all that said I still think you need to come clean to him, and explain everything! There are resources out there for people like you in your situation. I'm sure your friends will be more than willing to help you out? Do what you have to! It's gonna hurt both of you like hell, but you know in the long run it's the best for both of you.
vertigocidic Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I never said it was easy!! What I don't understand and it makes me mad as hell is that she is stringing him along! Thank you hcdo3 for explaining a little about your situation, I'm sorry I never went back and read your previous posts, so maybe I was a bit harsh on you! I have been the one who was on the ****ty end of a relationship and got strung along until she found someone better than me so I guess I am a little bitter about it!! With all that said I still think you need to come clean to him, and explain everything! There are resources out there for people like you in your situation. I'm sure your friends will be more than willing to help you out? Do what you have to! It's gonna hurt both of you like hell, but you know in the long run it's the best for both of you. Ouch! That must of hurt. Being led on. Sounds terrible! I do hope you are alright, hun! Back to the conversation... You should try and find a friend to live with for a while. I'm certain that you are sorrounded by people who care about you. And please, PLEASE, think about your baby before making dramatic decisions!
LoveLace Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I never said it was easy!! What I don't understand and it makes me mad as hell is that she is stringing him along! Considering a child is involved, she probably doesn't want to tell him until she has some kind of plan. It's different than your situation, because you were dumped for another guy, basically, bitterness is understandable. Mentally she's trying to prepare for this, then it will be his turn to do the same. It's obvious they are just not right for each other, but with a kid, it's not as easy to just walk right out; yes he should know how she feels, and he will, soon enough.
citizen67 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 This is actually quite common nowadays - people literally cannot afford to seperate, so you do not need to feel guilty about it. What are you supposed to do, go live with your son in a box under a bridge, so as to not "string him along" - no
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 This is actually quite common nowadays - people literally cannot afford to seperate, so you do not need to feel guilty about it. What are you supposed to do, go live with your son in a box under a bridge, so as to not "string him along" - no Exactly, couldn't have said it better..
vonerik012 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Regardless, you are still using him. What would you be doing if it was not for him? Find another guy to move in with? You are broke, yet going to get your masters? Who will take care of your kid then? Note to men... Do not move women with children into your home and think you are helping.. They will then be not appreciative, and feel since they did housework and had sex all is even and it is acceptable to stay as long as it benefits them, with no feelings attached.
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Regardless, you are still using him. What would you be doing if it was not for him? Find another guy to move in with? You are broke, yet going to get your masters? Who will take care of your kid then? Note to men... Do not move women with children into your home and think you are helping.. They will then be not appreciative, and feel since they did housework and had sex all is even and it is acceptable to stay as long as it benefits them, with no feelings attached. Um, getting her masters is wonderful...even for the guy, because then she won't have to depend on him as much for financial support. With that kind of education, she'll never feel unable to support her son. And if you read everything the poster said, he's had his time to be the selfish one, it's HER turn, only she's thinking about the kid more than anything. She's scared, worried, and a mother, in a bad relationship. Dealing with it all is going to take time. After all, SHE is going to be the one to leave, without a definite place to go, obviously he's not going to have that problem, so "using him" my a$$.
treeluva Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Two wrongs never make a right. If he used her or was selfish in the past, it was because she allowed him to do those things to her. Doing them back to him doesn't make it better and it certainly doesn't make it right. What I am about to say sounds really harsh. I do not mean for it to be overly offensive; this is just how I would think of myself if I were doing this... If I were living with a man I did not have feelings for any longer, simply because of the stability and security it offered me and my daughters and then slept with him KNOWING that I was misleading him by those actions and that I was in no way in a relationship with him anymore via my own mental state, I would feel like a prostitute. Because that is what it amounts to. Sleeping with someone for the roof over the baby's head. Everyone's situation is different and I realize you can't just walk out with a child in tow. But you need to be honest with him as soon as possible, because you are going to look at yourself in the mirror and hate what you see, which is going to be more damaging to you than the break up. There are jobs everywhere. They may not be the jobs you WANT, but they provide income. Move. Start your life. Take a job that may not be what you really want right now, but supports you. My own personal situation is that I am a single mom of two kids. I am currently going to school full time while bartending full time in order to support myself and my children while I am going through school. I receive virtually no child support from my ex-husband. It's hard and sometimes it really sucks, but I am not going to use anyone for a financial gain or financial stability. I may not be very happy right now, but I am not lying to someone or hurting or stringing them along when I know I am leaving, either.
vonerik012 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 This man is a saint.. What would she be doing without him? As some said, living under the bridge in a box.. So what does he get? She is plotting to leave him without telling him months ahead.. And all she can do is complain about having to clean, have sex, etc... Then be more responsible to begin with. Her life decisions are not his fault.
wareagle Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I understand completely when a child is involved. It wasn't my child but hers. She rebounded from her ex husband to me, now she is involving yet another man in her 4 year olds life, in less than 2 years. How is she not using him? If you are with someone for reasons other than being in love, that in my opinion folks is using someone!! She mentions friends she could stay with, a mother. There are shelters out there for this kind of thing! How does she know what his reaction will be? Men do have hearts!!! Sure he is gonna be broken beyond belief, but he at least deserves honesty!! Put yourself in his shoes! How would you feel if someone you loved were with you on false pretenses, and they were staying with you because they were financially incapable of being independent?
vonerik012 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Also stop to think..... This woman supposedly has no options... She has to use this guy for the sake of her child.. Right? So what is her plan? Be a career student ... She still does not want to work. Should she just move in with a different dude until she graduates??? Not everyone can afford to get a masters, especially if they have children to raise.. But I guess she is just entitled...
vonerik012 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 What would be the hard but morally correct thing to do? Move out now, get 2 jobs, get her own place, put off grad school. What is the selfish immoral way? Live with this guy for free, so she can save her own money, then go to grad school, and still not have to work. I bet her entire plan revolves around meeting a dude at college that will support her and her kid.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I can't even imagine the fear you must have. Moving, not having a job or a place to stay, all the while being responsible for your son. These are major life changes, no doubt. DO you have some cash reserves handy? Something to float you through the tough times? I would call your friends and see what they can do to help. And as one poster stated, you don't have to find your dream job. Just something to pay the bills and get you started. I know you came on here and stated that you feel like your heart is breaking in two, and yet there are people telling you that you are a heartless user. Please use your good judgement when sifting through these posts. Some people with an ax to grind find it very easy to take it out on an anonymous person. Except you are not anonymous, and your life is not a joke. Best of luck.
vonerik012 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 It's funny.. You don't want to "inconvenience" friends, yet feel you are doing nothing wrong by having this guy take care of you while plotting to leave. What if you don't get accepted? Live with him until you find a better guy? Then move?
almost famous Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Well, he should have thought of that when he was sitting on the couch while this saint of a woman was doing everything after she was working all day because he was too lazy, and he should have thought of it when she tried to tell him. I understand completely when a child is involved. It wasn't my child but hers. She rebounded from her ex husband to me, now she is involving yet another man in her 4 year olds life, in less than 2 years. How is she not using him? If you are with someone for reasons other than being in love, that in my opinion folks is using someone!! She mentions friends she could stay with, a mother. There are shelters out there for this kind of thing! How does she know what his reaction will be? Men do have hearts!!! Sure he is gonna be broken beyond belief, but he at least deserves honesty!! Put yourself in his shoes! How would you feel if someone you loved were with you on false pretenses, and they were staying with you because they were financially incapable of being independent?
almost famous Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 He's using her...he has a housemaid who waits on him hand and foot because he's too lazy to get up off his ass. Sounds like a fun guy. Also stop to think..... This woman supposedly has no options... She has to use this guy for the sake of her child.. Right? So what is her plan? Be a career student ... She still does not want to work. Should she just move in with a different dude until she graduates??? Not everyone can afford to get a masters, especially if they have children to raise.. But I guess she is just entitled...
vonerik012 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Then why didn't she break up with him long ago? Oh, she needs to use him for money, because she wants to get another degree. People who cheat always have an excuse. People who use others always have an excuse.. So she lives with him, at his expense, and even cleaning is too much to do? She should take joy in cleaning, or else she would be under the bridge right???I would rather clean..
almost famous Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 What it is, they are both working...she is taking care of her child with absolutely no help. She is picking up and cleaning and cooking because he is lazy. Yeah, I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt if I were her. He put her through that, then makes the excuse "I'll change, next month I'll consider pitching in and helping instead of making you my personal servant" and then it doesn't change. It's only for a couple months, big deal.
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 The guy deserves the honesty, for sure. But when someone is mistreated properly and then they choose to leave, they should be anything but blamed for the problems. When someone chooses to stay and let it continue, that's different, but she's not choosing to stay, so it makes no sense to say she "let him" do this or that. She tried to talk with him about her unhappiness, and he refused to listen, that is not a good husband, and that is not her fault. It's clear that she attempted to work on the problems, but he wasn't willing to do the same, so a marriage can't work that way. Yes she needs to tell him but in the mean time, she's in a very difficult position, and the last thing she needs is to be told she's a bad person, especially because it's not true. She needs the support, courage and strength to move on right now, ridiculing her is completely irrelevant to what she's going through and posting about. It's easy to suggest doing this or that, but its also easier said than done. AND it isn't as though she's "using him back" on purpose...she's using time is more like it, to get herself together, before putting such a major change into motion. I don't think some people are understanding how hard that can be. And the child is a major factor in the decision she's making. Again, some people don't know how hard that is. If she wants to leave him, obviously she does not want to use him, so give me a freakin break with that. To realize you no longer have love for someone, is just as hard to come to terms with as learning a person no longer loves you, believe it or not.
almost famous Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 No, she's not using him at all. It sometimes takes a while to get things in order to get out of a relationship, particularly when they are living together. I wouldn't consider it "his" place and she is using him, it's her place, too and she needs to live her life until she can get out. Plus, she also said that he used her to get out of debt, so now all she is doing is getting things together before she leaves this loser. He isn't even a "partner", a "partner" doesn't encourage you not to go for your dreams and better yourself. Telling her she's "irrational" for wanting to further her education just shows he's not a true loving partner.
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