Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I agree that maybe it is Star who is causing her conficting feelings and her need for acceptence. Maybe when a guy shows high interest, Star automatically places herself above him and loses attraction and when they guy is not interested she has to 'win' him to prove to herself that she can? Unless those feelings get sorted out it will make for a very depressing love life. I also think that Star needs to stop trolling the dating sites, that can just smack of desperation and you are far more likely to meet other deperate people and people with major issues (as so far proven) Yeah, I agree with this as well. I don't neccessarily agree with the concept of dating sites. I'm sure it has worked for some people, but you do run into some people with issues as well. Not saying that ALL people who go on dating sites are desperate to meet someone, but that loses the natural progression of meeting someone and going on a date. Talking to someone prior to meeting them can bring up unrealistic expectations and that can effect the dating process. I tried a dating site once and saw this guy's picture and he looked so hot and muscular. Met him, he's a 5'6 medium built guy who has never set foot in a gym. That and he smelled bad. So it is much more exciting to just meet someone by chance and go out on a date. Plus, I like to find everything out about a person on the first date. If you know stuff prior to going on a date, what is there to find out?
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Yeah, I agree with this as well. I don't neccessarily agree with the concept of dating sites. I'm sure it has worked for some people, but you do run into some people with issues as well. Not saying that ALL people who go on dating sites are desperate to meet someone, but that loses the natural progression of meeting someone and going on a date. Talking to someone prior to meeting them can bring up unrealistic expectations and that can effect the dating process. I tried a dating site once and saw this guy's picture and he looked so hot and muscular. Met him, he's a 5'6 medium built guy who has never set foot in a gym. That and he smelled bad. So it is much more exciting to just meet someone by chance and go out on a date. Plus, I like to find everything out about a person on the first date. If you know stuff prior to going on a date, what is there to find out? I couldn't agree more. I've frequented this idea a whole lot myself, even thought I've always said it feels "unnatural". I've found, there are 2 kinds of guys on dating sites, mostly: desperate, or trying to get as much azz as possible. It does seem to work for some people, but for me its done nothing, except repeat itself over and over again with same scenarios and disappointments.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I couldn't agree more. I've frequented this idea a whole lot myself, even thought I've always said it feels "unnatural". I've found, there are 2 kinds of guys on dating sites, mostly: desperate, or trying to get as much azz as possible. It does seem to work for some people, but for me its done nothing, except repeat itself over and over again with same scenarios and disappointments. YES. Totally agree. SG, I think you need to stay off the dating sites and spend time in places that you enjoy. Then, you will meet others who have the same interests you have. It's not as easy as clicking a mouse and getting a date, but meeting a possible SO at a random moment is fun. Of course there WILL be those desperate a-holes in places other than dating sites, but you can DEF. weed them out better. I think you have said yourself that you get hit on a lot, so why not go to places you enjoy and put yourself out there?
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Whoah, some generalized assumptions being made here about internet dating sites. While it's not my thing due to my preferences, it's no different than meeting men in real life. You're going to get the non-compatible and also the compatible. Like real life, although more so through cyber sites since you have a broader selection, if you're careful, you're going to find some good people. The only difference is that the internet makes it easier for people to pretend to be otherwise. That's the idea with getting to know them and then meeting them, if you start to get a comfort level with who they are. It's not the medium with which you meet men, it's who you are and what your needs v. wants are. No matter who you are, real life or otherwise, you're going to attract some undesirables. Not too many people date one person and find them the be-all and end-all of their existence.
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I have always felt that dating sites are very 'needy' and people who meet on them are both people desperate for a relationship. In my eyes there is nothing more off putting than desperation. I believe that relationships happen by accident. You meet a guy/girl and decide you like each other and so you spend more time together and the story begins. I am not by any means saying that any particular person is desperate and that dating sites do not work I am just saying that it smacks of desperation for a relationship. IMO dating is something that happens, not something you chase after. I would also still say that the OP has met a guy who is 1. not that interested and 2. a possible playa ... He senses how much she likes him and he is playing on that fact. I bet if she pulled back and stopped answering calls for a day his interest would pique
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I wouldn't consider myself, nor SG needy, and that can be true on the internet, but also in real life. I won't tell SG or anyone else they should stop trying the dating sites. There is nothing wrong will always having that option. My experience with it has been a learning one, at the most. But I don't think I'll meet "the one" that way; I think I'm meant to accidentally find him some other way. But that isn't true for everyone. However though, maybe, just maybe, if a person uses dating sites often for long periods of time, they could stand a break from it. When I used to go the very same hang out every weekend for years, my friends were always telling me I needed to start going to new places and doing more things. I've been very happy that way. But I still peak my head in and the old place once in a while. I also have taken breaks just from dating sites. Course, I always go back...my curiosity never goes away, long as I'm single anyhow.
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 That is very true LL - You have to vary what you do, and if you do one thing (like the OP has) and it fails time after time you definately need to think about changing it.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 There are more than enough people who's real life relationships fail time and again. Does this mean they should start trying dating sites?
Art_Critic Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 That is very true LL - You have to vary what you do, and if you do one thing (like the OP has) and it fails time after time you definately need to think about changing it. Lishy.. you didn't meet your exh online did you ?...or the other guy who used to stalk you ? Maybe you should try online dating
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 There are more than enough people who's real life relationships fail time and again. Does this mean they should start trying dating sites? definately!!!!!!!!!!
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Lishy.. you didn't meet your exh online did you ?...or the other guy who used to stalk you ? Maybe you should try online dating Hahhaha ..... If I had met them online I would smash up my pc!!!! I would actually be too scared to do online dating, plus I do not feel the need to have a man in my life that badly that I would shop for one. I can make myself happy and just enjoy being with my friends and family.
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 There are more than enough people who's real life relationships fail time and again. Does this mean they should start trying dating sites? Yes and no. Yes because it would "trying something different"; but no because the same issues turn up on dating sites as in real life; exactly why I try to keep my online dating pretty minimal. When it used to be the ONLY thing I did, I was never happy. I still have failed relationships, but it's not as frequent as when I'm online dating! And I like that lol, because I eliminated what me feel a bit desperate. But to some its very natural and normal, not desperate at all.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 The problem with this guy has NOTHING TO DO with the fact that I met him online. Nada, zip, zilch, zero. That said... I also think that Star needs to stop trolling the dating sites, that can just smack of desperation and you are far more likely to meet other deperate people and people with major issues (as so far proven) I'm hardly trolling the dating sites. I meet about half the guys I date on sites like eHarmony or Match, and about the other half in person. I date around, and see every situation as an opportunity to meet a new friend, a possible client or contact, or a date. YES. Totally agree. SG, I think you need to stay off the dating sites and spend time in places that you enjoy. Then, you will meet others who have the same interests you have. It's not as easy as clicking a mouse and getting a date, but meeting a possible SO at a random moment is fun. This coming from someone who's NEVER dated online. Do you honestly think I choose to go out and meet and then date men from online who I don't share similar interests??? I don't. Online dating is used to weed out those who I DON'T share similar interests with. Like I said, the guy at issue in this thread and I actually run in the same circles. We go to the same places. It was only a matter of time before we met IRL anyway. Same has been true for nearly every guy I've ever met online. "Oh, you know so-and-so too? You go to concert in the park too? Oh yeah, I think I remember seeing you at so-and-so's Halloween party..." Etc. While it's not my thing due to my preferences, it's no different than meeting men in real life. You're going to get the non-compatible and also the compatible. It's not the medium with which you meet men, it's who you are and what your needs v. wants are. No matter who you are, real life or otherwise, you're going to attract some undesirables. Not too many people date one person and find them the be-all and end-all of their existence. Precisely. I have always felt that dating sites are very 'needy' and people who meet on them are both people desperate for a relationship. In my eyes there is nothing more off putting than desperation. Your statement is FAR from accurate. If that were true, then I would expect LB to be on an online marriage website. I bet if she pulled back and stopped answering calls for a day his interest would pique That IS true... that's why I'm sensing mixed signals.
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 He sounds like a guy you have to make chase you Try it, make him work his arse off for you and show him how cold and cold behaviour feels! You have nothing to lose
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Star, he sounds like a guy you have to make chase you Try it, make him work his arse off for you and show him how cold and cold behaviour feels! Seems to work for a lot of people...other people might say it's playing games, but I'm all for it.
Krytie TV Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 To turn this thread into an indictment about internet dating is way off base. Trust me, there are plenty of freaks out there that do not use dating sites but still date. There are no personality requirements or character traits required to date online. That said, wow SG. How is it you always get invested in the ones that aren't available?
Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 This coming from someone who's NEVER dated online. Actually I HAVE dated online. It didn't work for me. But like I said it has worked for others, so there is good that can come from it. Your statement is FAR from accurate. If that were true, then I would expect LB to be on an online marriage website. This did not need to be added. It has no basis for this discussion.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 This did not need to be added. It has no basis for this discussion. Why not? It's an analogy. This thread has turned into an indictment of online sites as involving only those who are desperate or needy. If people who are desperate/needy to date/have a BF are the only ones using online dating sites, it stands to reason that those who are equally desperate/needy to get married would be using a marriage website. Like, oh...theweddingchannel.com, or theknot.com, before they're even engaged............ Just an analogy. No need to get all upset about it. (But I - and others - already saw what you conveniently edited out. ) That said, wow SG. How is it you always get invested in the ones that aren't available? I don't know! It's bugging me!!! I think Walk made some REALLY GOOD points in this regard though. Something to ponder a bit more for sure.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Why not? It's an analogy. If people who are desperate to date/have a BF are the only ones using online dating sites, it stands to reason that those who are equally desperate to get married would be using a marriage website. Like, oh...theweddingchannel.com, or theknot.com, before they're even engaged............ Just an analogy. No need to get all upset about it. (But I - and others - already saw what you conveniently edited out. ) I don't know who would use theknot.com before they would be engaged, but if they did that it would be a reason. I actually don't think people who go online to meet people are desperate. They want to meet someone nice, so they go there. Just like people go to bars, clubs to meet people. It's not for me, but like I said it does help some people. You can meet bad seeds anywhere, it isn't any different online or in society. You have to find the right person, no matter where that be.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 I may be mistaken, but didn't you cut the last guy loose for being flaky? Or am I remembering someone else? I'm not sure. The last guy I dated-dated was the ALWAYS LATE alcoholic. Ha. I think the posters talking about challenge were spot on. You thrive on that Star. You'll create it if you have to. I think you need to feel like this situation is a win or lose proposition, and you have to win. Winning the interest of someone less interested validates that you're someone highly desirable. Take the need to "win" away, and you could relax about whether this guy is all that into you. You should realize that you're a great person and this guy will either recognize that and want to spend time with you, or he won't. But either way, it won't matter because if he doesn't realize it, that doesn't mean you "lost" the game. He lost out on spending time with you. Sometimes you're very insecure, other times you're overly confident. It might help if you focused more on balancing those two extremes. You've made some really good points, Walk. Food for thought for sure.
CaliGuy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 There are freaks online and offline. What's the difference between meeting someone online and meeting them in a bar? Not much, really. I finally joined an online dating site. Does that make me desperate? Not! It means that I'm not going to troll the bars for a date and because I am older (39), the woman I am looking for has to have certain qualities. I would like to know if she has them before I start dating. I, like SG, can see the benefit of weeding out the incompatible with the compatible. Desperate!? LOL. Ummm ok, whatever!
Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 There are freaks online and offline. What's the difference between meeting someone online and meeting them in a bar? Not much, really.. This is very true. I have met some real a-holes at clubs let me tell you. I finally joined an online dating site. Does that make me desperate? Not! It means that I'm not going to troll the bars for a date and because I am older (39), the woman I am looking for has to have certain qualities. I would like to know if she has them before I start dating. It def. doesn't make you desperate. What we are trying to suggest to SG (or what I was trying to suggest) is that since she appears to be not meeting the right kinds of guys for her online, she may want to branch out a bit and spend time in places where she could meet people with similar interests. I know online dating has worked for a TON of people. The issue that I had was that the guy I met totally lied about who he was and what he looked like so I felt so stupid when I met him expecting to see someone else. So I learned that online daters are not always trustworthy and forthcoming about their attributes. Doesn't mean all are like that. I think for SG, she needs to take a look at her own signals she is projecting and figure out what she wants. Its about finding a balance, as Walk said, between insecure and overconfident. And for that it doesn't make a difference whether the person she meets is online or not.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 It def. doesn't make you desperate. What we are trying to suggest to SG (or what I was trying to suggest) is that since she appears to be not meeting the right kinds of guys for her online, she may want to branch out a bit and spend time in places where she could meet people with similar interests. I will repeat for the THIRD time that I meet guys both online AND off. The problems I've been having have NOTHING to do with the hows of meeting these men. I think for SG, she needs to take a look at her own signals she is projecting and figure out what she wants. Its about finding a balance, as Walk said, between insecure and overconfident. And for that it doesn't make a difference whether the person she meets is online or not. I don't think Walk's comments had anything to do with signals I'm giving. She was addressing my own internal struggle, and how to find a balance WITHIN, not externally.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I don't think Walk's comments had anything to do with signals I'm giving. She was addressing my own internal struggle, and how to find a balance WITHIN, not externally. Internal struggles cause external behavior. Walk, as have a few others said that you are perhaps giving off some mixed signals as well due to your internal struggles. It's what we all, including myself, do. So to find good relationships, get along with people, ect. you need to figure out to deal with your internal struggles. It's not a bad thing to admit that you struggle externally as well as internally. It only means you are human.
vonerik012 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Internet dating is 1000 times different. Sorry. His behavior is a perfect example of the typical internet dater. Are the people freaks? Desperate? Losers? Not at all. Guy who does not internet date... Might come across a nice girl like you randomly, and it is very rare. Men do not meet new women everyday. Sometimes 1 a month, maybe... Guy who internet dates.. He can meet 20 new girls online every day, if he spends an hour. When I internet dated there were always about 20 girls I could meet anytime, several girls i could go on a second date with anytime, , and thousands more I could talk to.. It is VERY difficult to stick with one woman... It changes your mentality and outlook completely. When he stops texting you, doesn't give you much attention, he probably has many other options, due to the internet. Thats the point.
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