carhill Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 We look for others to facilitate the challenges within. Life experience teaches the difference between the within and the without. The essence of why S_G pursues/engages such men is within her. I'll bet, if she looks at other areas of her life, she will see marked similarities in the basic psychology
Ariadne Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 They've been seeing each other a few times only. Making assumptions about "true love" or not doesn't seem to be appropriate at this time. No. When people meet and they really hit it off, they usually talk a whole lot. Especially in the first days. They talk every day or so and want to know everything about each other. Most people that I've heard about who have awesome relationships, that's how it started. In this case is luke warm at best.
Mahatma Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Well... you could be sending him mixed signals too and not know it. The girl I am with gets so heated at times she makes a drastic move when I wasn't aware she wanted to do something. If you are conveying to him that you just want to talk a lot, if he respects you, he is going to just talk a lot. I wouldn't suggest hopping into bed with him, because whatever respect he has for you will go out the window. If you two are together, and not in public, don't talk. Just let him get all his speaking out and just look at him, hopefully he will get the hint.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I somewhat disagree with your assessment. I think that human beings by nature look for challenges. Some more than others, but overall this statement applies to all.It's a weighing of challenge v. impossible. If he continues to flake, then he's not worth the investment.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 No. When people meet and they really hit it off, they usually talk a whole lot. Especially in the first days. They talk every day or so and want to know everything about each other. Most people that I've heard about who have awesome relationships, that's how it started. In this case is luke warm at best. We've actually had some form of communication every single day since we met, except for one day when he was at an all-day function and I went out that night. He's very inquisitive, asks lots of questions, seems very keen on getting to know as much about me as possible. Problem is, I don't give it up that easily...
LoveLace Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Well Joe, I know that guys do use sex as a factor in some decision-making when it comes to relationships; but considering it doesn't sound like the word has even come up in the situation yet, I don't think it would be a good idea for SG to jump and say, "Hey, let's have sex!"...especially now, while she's confused about his signals...not responding to texts, etc., not exactly a turn-on there... SG I get ridiculed here often, for "fixating" on one guy at a time as you described. I think it's just a natural thing for women to do, though. I've been in your shoes....frustrated and totally smitten at the same time...sounds like you have other options though, so maybe just stay casual with guy and scope out the others too.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Star, he's not invested yet, although it doesn't mean he's not into you. If at all possible, slow yourself down and let him make the moves. I do caution you to guard your heart, not necessarily because he might be a player but a man who's not invested, can easily walk away. I do think you're right. I'm glad he made the last move though.
Ariadne Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 We've actually had some form of communication every single day since we met...He's very inquisitive, asks lots of questions, seems very keen on getting to know as much about me as possible.. Ah, that sounds different then. ...... ... .. ()
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 We look for others to facilitate the challenges within. Life experience teaches the difference between the within and the without. The essence of why S_G pursues/engages such men is within her. I'll bet, if she looks at other areas of her life, she will see marked similarities in the basic psychology What's this psychobabble mean in layman's terms?
vonerik012 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 He's charming, funny, intelligent, driven, ambitious, good at what he does, active, social...attractive too. All qualities I admire. But I think it comes down mostly to chemistry. Carhill gave the best response in my opinion. The chemistry between the 2 of you does not seem to be that great, or you wouldn't need to keep posting about him. It seems you are trying, or hoping to ignite something with someone because you like qualities they have. You also overlook that he is flaky, a bit immature about sending drunk texts, his lack of desire to have you, him telling you he wants to take things slow, etc.. No matter what anyone says, the most important thing in a mate is that they are into you. Not what they have, or do for work, etc. Sometimes people want the latter so badly, they are willing to pass on true chemistry. In the end it does not work.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 No matter what anyone says, the most important thing in a mate is that they are into you. I obviously agree, hence why I started this thread.
vonerik012 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Not to mention I do not feel the internet is the best way to meet men, simply because they have so many potential future options, that it is almost impossible to keep one. He just might view dating completely differently from you, and he just wants to meet lots of people. Who knows. It should be easy to tell if a man is interested in you. You should not have to settle for a flaky guy, a guy telling you he wants to take things slow, a guy you feel like you are chasing etc.
vonerik012 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 What I am saying is this... I am more old fashioned.. And I feel a woman, DESERVES, above all, to feel like a woman. That is the dynamic you will be happiest with in the long run. You will feel much more secure with a man that you KNOW wants you. He finds you irresistible, sexy, and important to him. Unique. This guy might have qualities you like, but if he is already talking about wanting to go slow, that says a lot. Sending drunk texts to someone you just met, then saying you weren't serious, or maybe serious, seems immature. You do not do things like that with a woman you are very into. You should spend more time concentrating on how a guy treats you, than what his great qualities are. As an example, as a woman, if you take away all superficial preconceived ideas of what you think you want, you would be far happier with a blue collar guy that really loves you, than this guy who just feels so so, or as if he is doing you a favor to be with you.
JoeNewbie Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 About taking things slow, the one time I used that line, I was seriously into the girl. I just didn't want things to crash and burn. As I grow older, I recognize the signs of a relationship that might be going too fast. In my view, taking things slow isn't necessarily a bad thing.
vonerik012 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 True... But people have different ideas of what taking something slow means... Not to rush into marriage, or cohabitation. Not to see each other every night. Etc, If you wait for 4 dates to kiss a girl, send mixed messages, do not return phone calls when you say you will, and then say you don't like to rush, the interest does not seem so high in that case.
JoeNewbie Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 True... But people have different ideas of what taking something slow means... Not to rush into marriage, or cohabitation. Not to see each other every night. Etc, If you wait for 4 dates to kiss a girl, send mixed messages, do not return phone calls when you say you will, and then say you don't like to rush, the interest does not seem so high in that case. Most definitely agree with you.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Well Star, all I can say is that I have been in similar situations many times. I'm willing to bet that there is something holding him back. It may be another woman, or he's unsure of you or entering into a relationship at this time. I don't know what it is but it's there. It sounds like there is enough there to give it a little more time. If things are the same way a month from now, cut him loose. I also noticed how you said that you want him to "pick you". This is definitely an issue within you. You want to be the chosen one, the best, the brightest, the winner. However, this takes the power away from you. Hope this helps a little bit.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Well Star, all I can say is that I have been in similar situations many times. I'm willing to bet that there is something holding him back. It may be another woman, or he's unsure of you or entering into a relationship at this time. I don't know what it is but it's there. It sounds like there is enough there to give it a little more time. If things are the same way a month from now, cut him loose. I also noticed how you said that you want him to "pick you". This is definitely an issue within you. You want to be the chosen one, the best, the brightest, the winner. However, this takes the power away from you. Hope this helps a little bit. Spot on Cherry, for both bolded sentences!
Kamille Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 He just called and asked me out. Dude must be omniscient. Good for him. He gets one point. He needs twenty to graduate to potential bf material.
LoveLace Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I say next time you have a text conversation, start ignoring him suddenly, and see how HE likes it.
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Oh dear, another guy to stress over! Why can't we like the nice ones?
Walk Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I may be mistaken, but didn't you cut the last guy loose for being flaky? Or am I remembering someone else? I think the posters talking about challenge were spot on. You thrive on that Star. You'll create it if you have to. I think you need to feel like this situation is a win or lose proposition, and you have to win. Winning the interest of someone less interested validates that you're someone highly desirable. Take the need to "win" away, and you could relax about whether this guy is all that into you. You should realize that you're a great person and this guy will either recognize that and want to spend time with you, or he won't. But either way, it won't matter because if he doesn't realize it, that doesn't mean you "lost" the game. He lost out on spending time with you. Sometimes you're very insecure, other times you're overly confident. It might help if you focused more on balancing those two extremes.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Is this the same guy you posted about where you said you were thinking about asking him out on a date because he hadn't asked you yet? If that is the case, I think you need to sit back and relax. You are going to drive yourself nuts (I certainly have) trying to pick apart his behavior and wonder what it "means." What I have learned is that you have to just sit back and go with the flow of your relationship. Walk brought up a lot of interesting points, especially what she said regarding your inability to find a balance between feeling insecure and being overly confident. That may be why you are alwasy questioning behavior during the start of the relationship. Have you ever thought that YOU may be the one sending mixed signals? This guy may be confused by your behavior as well. It's normal to question others behavior, ESPECIALLY SO but obsessing about it is going to make you miserable. I'm speaking from experience. Instead of addressing HIS mixed signals/odd behavior maybe you should take a look at yours.
Lishy Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I agree that maybe it is Star who is causing her conficting feelings and her need for acceptence. Maybe when a guy shows high interest, Star automatically places herself above him and loses attraction and when they guy is not interested she has to 'win' him to prove to herself that she can? Unless those feelings get sorted out it will make for a very depressing love life. I also think that Star needs to stop trolling the dating sites, that can just smack of desperation and you are far more likely to meet other deperate people and people with major issues (as so far proven)
Jersey Shortie Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 If I have learned anything in life, I have learned that the reason we think people do things, and the real reason they do them, are often hidden. All of us have had such different and varied life experiences that the reason we do things can be vastly different. There were so many times where I had a guy misinterprut comments I made and was on a totally different wave length of misunderstanding then what I really meant. And vice versa. There are so many different reasons why people do the things they do. Maybe he thinks you are giving him mixed signals. Maybe he just likes to go slow. Who really knows. I've had men tell me that women fall in love faster but men fall inlove harder. It might just take men longer to come around. I'm not saying you are in love, but in like for sure.
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