Bearsidotes Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Hi, I am a 36 year old woman and my husband is 37. I have been with him for 12 years (married for 7 this October). He recently told me that he loves me but he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. This was completly out of the blue and I have been a wreck since. We have no kids but have been trying for more than 6 years. My husband and I always had the kind of love that movies are made about. All our friends were always jealous of our relationship and we truly honestly BOTH considered ourselves soulmates. We couldn't wait to grow old together and are always affectionate and loving to each other. THis only changed in the past 6 months. He swears there is no one else and I believe him. He works from home and I always know where he is. I don't suspect that at all. He has tried several failed business ventures and I he has admitted to me that he has lost himself. We have gone through terrible financial troubles for the past two years and we are both to blame for he situation. I am still so in love with him and don't want to lose him. He says he wants to try to work it out, but to be honest, I don't know how much he means it. To make matters worse, I was never the easiest person to live with. I am extemely insecure and in the past have relied on him to "fill me up" so to speak. He said that he can no longer do this and I need to be okay with myself. I agree completely and told him I am willing to go to counciling for myself to fix unresolved childhood issues, but he feels it's too little too late. I never knew he felt this way. He never mentioned it before now and has always been a wonderful, loving and supportive husband. I believe in the institution of marriage and will do anything to fix this. I am so lost and crying all the time. He is the love of my life and I know I was his at one time. I can't lose my one true love. What should I do?
Ronni_W Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I am sorry for what you're going through. My first suggestion is that you start your individual therapy as soon as possible. Resolving your childhood and/or esteem and confidence issues is something outside and independent of your marriage. And it will demonstrate that you are serious both about doing your emotional healing and becoming a more active contributor and supportive partner in your relationship. He also needs to tell you what are his plans for his personal therapy, to get help with "finding himself" and learning better coping and stress management skills. It is a partnership, and he does not get to abandon everything just because he has reached his limit of carrying most of the emotional and financial burden. (Not that that is necessarily accurate, but seems to be what he is perceiving/feeling.) The current state of the marriage is a consequence of BOTH of your actions, inactions. beliefs, expectations, weaknesses, etc. It is misguided of him to put it all on you. It is not JUST up to you to make the effort to permanently improve things. But if he is unwilling to do his part then, honestly, there is not much you can do by yourself, for the relationship. Of course, marriage counseling would also be on the agenda but, again, will be highly unproductive and ineffective if BOTH parties are not fully committed to having a future together. If he is truly done, then it is for you to build your support networks, find a good lawyer, and get professional help for the many stages and levels of emotions that you will experience. One resource that you may find helpful is marriagebuilders.com Many marriage counselors also recommend the book 'Divorce Busting' by Michelle Weiner Davis. Sending positive and healing vibes. I hope your husband comes to realize that the effort of rebuilding his marriage will be so much "easier" than the pain of divorce. Perhaps you can refer him to this site, so he can hear first-hand from people who have been through it?
TrustInYourself Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Change starts with yourself. Your feelings for him are great, but what has your behavior been telling him? Get your life together. Focus on your own life and your issues. Make changes that are lasting for your own benefit.
imagine Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 What caught my attention was your observation that you depended on your husband to emotionally "fill you up". Marriage builders website recommend roughly a 15 hour a week contact period. Bygone days did not necessarily allow quality spousal time. During these times coffee clubs thrived and helped support the lives of lonely, frustrated and confused wives. Modern society has occasionally ridiculed these institutions thus placing burden on the husband to fulfill all of his wife's needs. The consequence is "husband burnout". Do get a circle of like minded ladies together. Alternatively, find a respectable community board (beware of getting too emotionally connected) and always keep your husband in the loop. Just my 2 cents!
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