five&dime Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]My wife and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary this year. We were married in our early 20s and have to pre-teen children. After a heated conversation three weeks ago, and after mentionining the name of a guy my wife works with (and her subsequent facial expression at hearing his name, which gave me pause), I did something I've never, ever done, and I checked her email. I found lots of stuff going back more than year. No, there was no smoking gun about a physical affair, and I don't believe one happened. And much of what I found was work-related. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]But I found a lot that wasn't work-related. I've known that they were friends. He's single, about our age. I'd always sort of teased her that she had a crush on him and that all of the ladies in the office have a crushes on him; he's tall, British, and very proper, and I’ve teased her from time to time that his accent was like catnip to all the hens in the office.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Well, I found a bunch of emails, and I didn’t like what I read. In fact, I was devastated. I heard in her voice a girlish innocence I haven’t heard since we were in our early 20s. They’d talk about spiritual things (he’s a Buddhist, very into Eastern philosophies, something I’ve noticed my wife being more interested in over the last year or two). No, there weren’t any “I love you’s” or that sort of thing. But there were lots of “until tomorrow’s” and “sleep tight’s” and the one that really hurt, “I just realized you won’t be in the office for the next week. BOO HOO!” That was around New Year’s of this year. A few days earlier, on Christmas Eve, I noticed that they’ed emailed each other, just a quick “Merry, Merry!” at 11:45 pm on Christmas Eve. She shared poetry with him, her own haiku’s. I probably went through about 30 emails, and in all that time, my name came up exactly once, to say that I’d taken the kids somewhere and she was free to relax. I sent her on a trip to her friend’s place down in Florida for a long weekend, and she’s emailing HIM on her trip about how she’s at peace, etc.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Now, they work together, and they have their own work email accounts, plus an inner-office IM system, and I know they communicate there, too, but I now realize they’ve been communicating as well through their private accounts. Then I found she’d texted him a number of times, and she’s certainly called him a bunch on her cellphone (I subsequently learned that his name was the only name in her cellphone’s directory that was only initials; I never put two-and-two together.) [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Long story short, I confronted her about all of it, and I’ve been given the usual “we’re just friends” routine. I did get her to admit that she has gone out to lunch with this person alone on a number of occasions. How many times, I’ll never really know. I’ve known for a long time that she’s gone out to lunch with him, but she’s always said another guy was there, a gay man from her office. I’d tease her and say, “Oh, sure, that other guys always there with you.” Now I know the truth.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]She subsequently told me that over the last year or so she has distanced herself from me and our marriage. She’s always wanted me to go into therapy, and it’s taken this to get me there. She says it’s over between them and that he was just filling some of her unmet emotional needs.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Maybe that’s all true. But why do I feel so badly about all of this? So betrayed. I can’t stop thinking about him. Granted, this is all just now happening. It’s only been three weeks since I first discovered it. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I’d love to know if people think this is an emotional affair. She denies it. But why the secrecy? The deception? And the flat-out lying about going out a few times? How am I supposed to read that? She said she lied to me because I can’t handle her having a male friend. Maybe she’s right on some level. But still, is she blameless? It can’t be ALL me, can it? We’ve been married 20 years, and I’m confident this is just a bump in the road. But it’s a big bump.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Any thoughts on this would be very much appreciated.[/FONT][/COLOR] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Bryanp Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Hello, There is no question that she is in at the very least an emotional affair and you are correct in feeling betrayed. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be happy with you having such a female friend. All of the signs are showing for an affair. She lies to you, keep her single lunches with him a secret, texts him when she is alone and on vacation etc. She is acting like a classic affair person by claiming it is all your fault. Do not buy this for a second. She had made a choice to betray you this way. There now has be consequences to her actions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.
imagine Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Arm yourself.. You need to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. Also... check articles at Marriage builder website. Time is of the essence.
taylor Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Hi Five&Dime, Yes, this is an emotional affair. It's also a wake-up call for you and your wife to work on your marriage. It's good that you both decided to start therapy. With that said, let me also say, don't relax. Recovery from an emotional affair is a long, hard struggle. Don't underestimate the damage it has done to your marriage. You are most likely going to take an emotional rollercoaster ride to hell and back. Buckle up. You said the affair is over. ARE YOU SURE? Your wife still works with the OM. That means she is still in contact with him. Do you realize it is next to impossible to end an emotional affair with someone you still have contact with. And it is totally impossible to recover a marriage with an OM still in the picture. Your wife will have to take some drastic actions to cut this OM out of her life so that she can refocus on you and your marriage. Is she willing to do this? And even if she cuts him out of her life, the affair can "live" in her mind (and heart) for a long time afterwards. Emotions die hard. She will go through a withdrawal period as she tries to let go of her attachment to the OM. It's ugly. I know. I've been there. As a betrayed spouse, you will go through your own series of emotions and have many hard questions to consider. You can read through the many posts in this forum by BS to get a feel for what they face every day as they work through the devastation of being betrayed by infidelity. Read all that you can about emotional affairs and marriage recovery from infidelity. There are a lot of good books and info on the internet. Therapy is great. But you also need a support network of your own. Someone you can trust..confide it...call at 2 a.m. if need be. This forum is full of BS who can offer you alot of support and guidance. Keep posting.
Author five&dime Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Yes, this is definitely a challenge for me, and us. She is adamant that it was not an emotional affair; she even cringes at any use of the word "affair" in any context. It's a weird dynamic we're in. I seem to be going through all sorts of different phases, from sadness and anger to hope and compassion. One minute I'm trying to ease her fears that I won't ever be able to let this go, and the next minute I'm saying just ugly things, which only brings everything back to the surface. For some strange reason, I believe we both think we are right. I see lots of tell-tale signs of an emotional affair (as described in my original post; there's more, but I gave the gist of it all), yet she has very strong rebuttal for every one of my "discoveries." At one very low point for me, I began to question my own sanity, and I was apologizing to her if this was all some horrible figment of my imagination and my immaturity has cost her an honest, deep and very platonic friendship. Of course, stepping back a bit, I realize that we're both probably right to some degree and wrong to some degree. I do believe that it's possible she does NOT believe her friendship falls to the level of an emotional affair. She has acknowledged that she has made mistakes in keeping this from me and not telling me the truth about going out alone with him a few times for lunch. I don't know. It's hard not to look at the "facts" as I've discovered them and to NOT come to sort of conclusion that the relationship might have unknowingly crossed some sort of line. Of course, there are two sides to every story, and this is only mine. There is no question she is in a stressful job and she is a major authority figure at work, and she needs a friendly ear to turn to to commiserate on work and stuff, but it's the "stuff" that was so unknown to me until my recent discovery. Is it possible to have an emotional affair with someone of the opposite sex, but for it to be strictly platonic? I know she has become very comfortable in her discourse with him. And I can't help but fear her resentment and mourning at having to end her "honest and platonic" relationship. I mean, I'm the first to admit that my macho male ego has taken a pounding here, but is it just that? Macho male ego? I don't know. She loathes the term "emotional affair." She thinks it's just so easy to lump an honest relationship into the "emotional affair" box...which contains that nasty "A" word, thereby branding her. She refuses to be branded. I'm exhausted (as I know she is) with my feeling grief one minute, anger the next, compassion the next, and so on, many times with no rhyme or reason as to why I'm changing emotions so quickly. She told me that my volatility in this matter makes her feel like a rat in an experiment. Cheese one minute, no cheese the next, with no discernable reason for the mood change. I can see how difficult it is for her to not know which emotion I'm harboring at the moment. And, yes, it's made all the more difficult because they work together. I went to her office this weekend with her to pick something up, and it was empty, but I was drawn to his office and seeing the distance from his office to hers (20 feet?). It's the little things that drive you nuts, isn't it? This is so crazy. One minute, I want to believe her and take the high road and let her know that I don't want to deprive her of a meaningful friendship and that I'll work to get over whatever immaturity I'm feeling about all of this. But those feelings of compassion prove fleeting at times. I'm sure some of this is because of my own issues and insecurites. And I know there are myriad reasons behind all of this. We've been married almost 20 years, and we've never really worked on our marriage. Like so many others, we've just been swept along with kids and mortgage and work. I've just started in therapy. She's been in therapy for a while. I want to get over this quickly. I fear it's going to take a while, especially because we're having difficulty getting on the same page about this particular relationship. I've even extended the olive branch saying "I'll agree to move on without "branding" you, if you agree that some of your actions could maybe have given off the wrong impression," and she agreed to this compromise. Problem is, I've found it difficult to move on, which is a perfect example of being honestly compassionate one minute, only to regress into hurt and pain the next. And how frustrating is it for her when one minute I say I'll do my best to put this behind me, then my first thought when I wake up in the morning is why does she need to repeatedly call him on her cellphone on the way home from work and talk for 20 minutes when they work together? But I have a close work friend I call all the time, too. I know the need to commiserate with colleagues. But my friend is a guy, and we just laugh about work and talk sports. W has deeper philisophical and spiritual conversations with her friend. This is all so tiring!
whichwayisup Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 She is adamant that it was not an emotional affair; she even cringes at any use of the word "affair" in any context That's because she doesn't see it AS an (emotional) affair. She probably looks at it as a friendship, with someone whom she connected with. It was all about her, how he made her feel, how he listened to her, fed her ego. Friendship isn't supposed to be like that, especially when one is married. Is it possible to have an emotional affair with someone of the opposite sex, but for it to be strictly platonic? It's possible to care about someone of the opposite sex, become attached - IN A PLATONIC way, and not have 'feelings' for the person, yes. But, in your wife's situation, she hid it from you, downplayed it, she knew then and knows now it was inappropriate behaviour. It was more than just co-workers having fun and keeping it on the straight and narrow. then my first thought when I wake up in the morning is why does she need to repeatedly call him on her cellphone on the way home from work and talk for 20 minutes when they work together? Is she still doing this? Take a different approach, or atleast try it. Start spending more one on one time with her, get a sitter, or drop the kids off at the grandparents house for a weekend, you two can rent a hotel room, go out have some fun. Reconnect again, make eachother feel good and special. Start woo'ing your wife like you're dating her! 20+ years of history together is MUCH stronger than what she talks about with this male co-worker of hers.
angie2443 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 For some strange reason, I believe we both think we are right. I see lots of tell-tale signs of an emotional affair (as described in my original post; there's more, but I gave the gist of it all), yet she has very strong rebuttal for every one of my "discoveries." At one very low point for me, I began to question my own sanity, and I was apologizing to her if this was all some horrible figment of my imagination and my immaturity has cost her an honest, deep and very platonic friendship. Of course, stepping back a bit, I realize that we're both probably right to some degree and wrong to some degree. Look up the term gaslighting, I think it applies to your situation. You can debate it over and over in your head about who's right and who's wrong and so on. The fact is, your relationship will be torn apart if she keeps her "friend". If you read about EAs and look at the posters who've been through an EA, you'll find out just how destructive they are.
taylor Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Five&Dime, I am a wife who had an emotional affair with a coworker. I agree, the term affair sounds judgemental. You can use the other "A" word if you like: attachment. Your wife has an emotional attachment to a coworker that is damaging your marriage. The effect is the same regardless of what you call it. I don't have to speculate about what is going on between your wife and this man. I have been in her shoes. I know exactly where she is at. The relationship between your wife and this coworker is not purely platonic. I will guarantee there is a sexual attraction and perhaps a building sexual tension between them. Perhaps they have not crossed the line into a physical affair, but EA's are often preludes to PA's. It's only a matter of time. Your wife is probably in denial about the depth of her feelings for this man. It's hard sometimes to look deep inside the heart to see who is pulling on the heartstrings and how hard they are pulling. You will know, and she will know, how strong her feelings are for this man when you INSIST she break all contact with him. If her feelings aren't that deep, she will break contact easily without pause. If her feelings are deep, look out. She will react with anger, resentment, depression, and anxiety. It's called withdrawal and mimics what drug addicts experience when they try to break the habit. Your wife knows she crossed the line with this man. She knew her behavior was inappropriate. That's why the relationship became "covert." And don't let her talk you into thinking this relationship is purely platonic. Her "innocent, girly" talk with him is called FLIRTING and no one flirts unless there is some kind of sexual attraction. It's one thing to have some kind of attraction. It's another to ACT on that attraction by building a relationship with that person inside AND OUTSIDE the workplace. You are not immature or insecure. You are not being hypersensive or behaving like a macho man.Your perception of this situation is clear and exact. And you are entitled to all the emotions you have started to have. You say it drove you crazy to see your wife's office in such close proximity to the OM's. THIS is why your wife needs to break all contact with this man. She wil not be able to focus on you or your marriage with him still in the picture. And you will not be able to start trusting her again if she continues to work with him, call him, see him. Until he is GONE from your lives, he will continue to be the "invisible elephant" between you, crushing the life out of your marriage. Keep posting.
whichwayisup Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Your wife has an emotional attachment to a coworker that is damaging your marriage. The effect is the same regardless of what you call it. Actually there is a difference between being attached to someone, caring for them in a completely and respectful way platonically and an emotional affair. They aren't the same thing. An emotional affair takes away energy from the marriage, there's fantasy, thought and effort that is put into it. Being attached to someone doesn't interfer with a marriage.
Author five&dime Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 I'm pretty sure my wife would look at the "attachment" vs. "affair" debate and come down squarely on the side of "attachment" (though she'll never say that either for fear that I'd still "brand" her.) I am in the unenviable position of having to decipher between her actions (what I discovered) versus her "true" intentions (her explanations).
Owl Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Don't put a name on her relationship with OM. For now, at least. Instead, talk about "boundaries". And what are APPROPRIATE boundaries for a married person when dealing with an opposite sex friend. Clearly, hiding texts/calls sent by that person from your spouse is a BOUNDARY. Or at least the indication of a broken one. Spending time with them, emailing them, etc...alone with no others around is inappropriate. Flirting, emotinally charged communication, etc....all clearly out of bounds. It all sets the stage for an affair to happen...that's why people have those normal 'boundaries' in place to begin with. So don't label her interaction as anything at this point. Simply point out the risk to the marriage from the lack of boundaries, and suggest MC to help the two of you define appropriate ones and learn how to enforce them...make sense?
Author five&dime Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Well, it's all fine and dandy to discuss boundaries in MC and how to enforce said boundaries. That's all very excellent solution-oriented discourse, and I'm almost there. Really, I'm trying to get there. But that still doesn't do much for the hurt I'm feeling right now and the emotional roller-coaster I (and we) are both on because of what I perceive to be obvious clear-cut albeit unspoken boundaries and how they were systematically and covertly trampled. Does every spouse have to say, upfront in a new relationship, "Okay, just so we get this straight: with regard to the tall, dark and handsome British co-worker 20 feet down the hall, no lying about lunching alone with him, no flirty emails containing poetry and amorous little lollipops like "sleep tight" and "until tomorrow" and no late night Christmas Eve emails, etc.? I hear what you're saying. But to me, some boundaries seem cut-and-dry and needn't be discussed beforehand. Maybe I'm wrong. I've certainly been told I'm wrong since I first made these discoveries three weeks ago. And that's sort of the rub...I didn't find out all at once. It's been drip, drip, drip...me finding something out, confronting, denial, etc., then me expanding my search, finding more, more conflict, etc. and so on. Drip, drip, drip. I'd like to think I'm over trying to further expand my search. Famous last words.
Owl Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Realize that most of us posting to you have either been in your shoes, or your wife's. Don't think we're ignoring your pain, or don't "get it". We do. We've been there...got the t-shirt. But...FOCUSING on your pain isn't going to do you a darn bit of good, now is it? Which is why the first thing we're all trying to do is to help you get the affair ENDED. The first thing you need to decide is...what do you WANT? Do you want to try to reconcile and fix your marriage? Do you want a divorce? Then you figure out how to get what you want. If its reconciliation, the first and foremost step is getting the affair ended. If its divorce, call your lawyer. If you want to know how to deal with the pain, talk with your doctor about anti-depressants as a start. Other than that...time and resolving the issues are the only thing that will help you deal with it. Trust me...I've BEEN there. I get that its damned unfair to have to explain boundaries to your wife. Again...BEEN THERE. But what else do you want do? You came here looking for advice and suggestions (I assume)...and you got it. There is NOTHING in your story that many of us haven't seen here over and over...some of us that have been here and on other threads have seen this same basic scenario perhaps hundreds of times. The slow "drip" of information isn't new either. Its TYPICAL. You might pick up a book..."Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. Its a good place to start. Beyond that...figure out your goals, and start thinking of how you get to them.
Author five&dime Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 There's that word again, "affair," something she'll never admit to, which, if she doesn't truly believe her situation is an affair, is certainly her right. It's all so confusing and difficult. This is a co-worker. How do I demand that she end something she doesn't believe crosses a line in the first place? And though she's said, "It's over," can it really be over if they are in such close daily proximity to each other? And if I'm "forcing" her to end a dear and platonic "spiritual" relationship with a single man in her office (one she hid from me on numerous levels and lied about), what sort of resentment am I in for? She did say yesterday that it hurts her greatly to be having to end this "friendship." I think that's why it's so difficult getting to a place where we can move forward. I'm seeing her relatonship one way...she's describing something completely different from what I "discovered". Do I believe my eyes or her words? Or does it even matter? We both want to work on our marriage and are slowly getting there. Naturally, she wants me to get there faster so we can put this whole co-worker "friendship" behind us. But there's still this underlying fundamental difference over exactly what this relationship was. I'd like to say it doesn't matter, and maybe in time it really won't. Right now, however, it does matter, at least to me. Thanks for the advice, Owl.
2sunny Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 There's that word again, "affair," something she'll never admit to, which, if she doesn't truly believe her situation is an affair, is certainly her right. It's all so confusing and difficult. This is a co-worker. How do I demand that she end something she doesn't believe crosses a line in the first place? And though she's said, "It's over," can it really be over if they are in such close daily proximity to each other? And if I'm "forcing" her to end a dear and platonic "spiritual" relationship with a single man in her office (one she hid from me on numerous levels and lied about), what sort of resentment am I in for? She did say yesterday that it hurts her greatly to be having to end this "friendship." I think that's why it's so difficult getting to a place where we can move forward. I'm seeing her relatonship one way...she's describing something completely different from what I "discovered". Do I believe my eyes or her words? Or does it even matter? We both want to work on our marriage and are slowly getting there. Naturally, she wants me to get there faster so we can put this whole co-worker "friendship" behind us. But there's still this underlying fundamental difference over exactly what this relationship was. I'd like to say it doesn't matter, and maybe in time it really won't. Right now, however, it does matter, at least to me. Thanks for the advice, Owl. it matters! it matters because she won't admit the truth - because she gave her time and energy to a man instead of you - because she is so emotionally connected to him that she doesn't want to give him up - because she doesn't value your marriage enough to have not taken a risk with this co-worker - because she should quit her job to get away from him in order to respect you, your marriage and all of that as her priority above him - because she is not acknowledging her emotional attachment to him as a threat to your marriage. ya, IT MATTERS! put your foot down and make demands that will show you that she is willing to make choices and changes to either stay in the marriage and make it better - or get out and have her little fling the way she wants to. and yes, you should be devastated! but if you take your power back - you will be feeling a lot better.
angie2443 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 it matters! it matters because she won't admit the truth - because she gave her time and energy to a man instead of you - because she is so emotionally connected to him that she doesn't want to give him up - because she doesn't value your marriage enough to have not taken a risk with this co-worker - because she should quit her job to get away from him in order to respect you, your marriage and all of that as her priority above him - because she is not acknowledging her emotional attachment to him as a threat to your marriage. ya, IT MATTERS! put your foot down and make demands that will show you that she is willing to make choices and changes to either stay in the marriage and make it better - or get out and have her little fling the way she wants to. and yes, you should be devastated! but if you take your power back - you will be feeling a lot better. I agree with this. Read it over a couple of times untill it starts sinking through. Also, what Owl said about setting bounderies instead of focussing on the word "affair" will help. Your wife will call it anything she can to avoid any guilt.
angie2443 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I wanted to add something else. I've been in your shoes. My husband had weak bounderies. He had a female "friend" that he had invested a lot of emotional energy in. He told her secrets, private things that I wouldn't even tell my family. He met her for lunch more than a few times without telling me. Like an idiot, I felt bad for having problems with his friendship. They weren't physically with each other, why should this bother me? I bought into his "just friends" line which is why I sugested you look up the term "gaslighting". Like you, I recieved my information about this friendship in drips. He actually knew her before me and if I had known the nature of their relationship when we met, I would have walked away. The only way I resolved the problem is I grew a backbone. I never told him to end the friendship, but I told him exactly how I felt and told him that I was loosing my feelings for him. I wasn't lying. These friendships destroy marriages. I let him know that I wasn't bieng fooled by the "just friends" line anymore. You need to grow a backbone. You need to stop feeling bad about her ending this friendship. Trust me, she isn't thinking of your best interest when it comes to this friendship.
silktricks Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Whether or not your wife wants you to call it an "emotional affair" or an "attachment" really isn't the point. The point is that she destroyed your trust in her. She betrayed your marriage by deception. You can call a skunk a skunk or you can call it a dog, it doesn't change the fact that it stinks. There're a bunch of us on LS who have been betrayed by our mates in emotional affairs. Some admit to what they were/are some don't. IMO one of the problems with those who don't admit is that the healing takes so much longer. How can you trust again that your partner won't exceed the boundaries if they won't admit that they already have? It does sound like your wife admits that she was out of bounds, but it doesn't sound like she's even now willing to put your marriage above her comfort. If she really wants to fix the marriage, then she needs to realize that YOU are in PAIN. Her hemming and hawing over her "label" is only making your pain worse. She needs to come to grips with the fact that she has damaged your marriage possibly beyond recovery. It may take awhile for her to understand that, but the longer it takes her to understand, the longer it will take your marriage to heal. Best of luck to you.
taylor Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Webster's dictionary defines attachment as a connection made with ties of affection, attraction, devotion, etc. An emotional attachment of this kind, if deep and strong, can endear your wife to this man to the point where she will open her heart to him. Therein lies the insidiousness of this kind of attachment. It is not platonic. It is not "just friends." Your wife is drawn to this man. Why? Because she is overstepping the marital boundaries and is not trying to put up roadblocks for herself or for him. She is a moving emotional freight train. If she can't stop it you will have to stop it for her and for the sake of your marriage. Regardless of what you or she call the relationship, ask her to answer these questions: Are you sexually attracted to this man? Do you think of ways to be alone with him? Do you enjoy talking with him more than anyone else? Do you look forward to seeing him at the start of the work week? Do you feel more disconnected or distant from your husband? Do you think about your time with this coworker even when you aren't at work? Do you talk about feelings with the coworker, including your marriage? Do you feel you have a connection with the coworker like none you have ever experienced before? Do you find yourself paying more attention to your appearance than you normally would? Do you ever fantasize about the coworker? Do you find ways to "bump into" him at work? Do you lie or hide text messages/e-mails to or from this coworker? Do you ever have any romantic thoughts or feelings regarding this coworker? If she can answer these questions honestly, you will know what kind of relationship she has with this coworker. But don't count on honesty. Why? Because the mode of operation for most of us who have crossed marital boundaries is DENIAL - not only to our spouse, but to ourselves. Time will reveal more and more about the nature of this relationship. If you really want to know, and you willing to be bold, invite the man to your house for dinner. Her friend should be your friend, too. Or, show up at her place of employment and invite them both out to lunch. Keep your eyes and ears open. Push you wife for honest and open communication. Complete disclosure. You both need to know what you are truly dealing with here. Again, this is a slow process, if your goal is recovery. It requires patience and alot of communication.
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