she offered me a thressome ...but now she dont want it

August 20, 2008

norajane "She DID NOT KNOW when she first talked of the threesome that she would develop strong feelings of love for you that would make it impossible for her to watch you with another woman

Do you understand that she probably did not love you yet when she offered the threesome? But she loves you now, and that is why she changed her mind. Bringing a third person into a love relationship can very easily destroy the relationship, and she doesn't want to take that chance."

if i start tothink in this way...i really feel so much more hurt..because she offered it to me after more than 1 year we been together..few moths ago... and when its happened...she was always claiming i was the man of her dreams and the ONE...her soulmate...so she was claiming the same things she is telling me now...so if i have to accept that option..that she feel in love now...it means that she was leyin to me 4 moths before...becasue you can feel deep and deeper...but when you said "i wanan spend my whole life with you"....is deepe ebought..and she was not showing me or telling me different things since 1 yes till now..all the same things..all the same feelings...if i really have to think about your words..and say its real....i would be so much more down...its like she basically told me things she didnt felt..and thats a lie for me....

August 20, 2008

Next time she offers it, get it in writing and get a lawyer to witness it so she can't back out later

August 20, 2008

if i start tothink in this way...i really feel so much more hurt..because she offered it to me after more than 1 year we been together..few moths ago... and when its happened...she was always claiming i was the man of her dreams and the ONE...her soulmate...so she was claiming the same things she is telling me now...so if i have to accept that option..that she feel in love now...it means that she was leyin to me 4 moths before...becasue you can feel deep and deeper...but when you said "i wanan spend my whole life with you"....is deepe ebought..and she was not showing me or telling me different things since 1 yes till now..all the same things..all the same feelings...if i really have to think about your words..and say its real....i would be so much more down...its like she basically told me things she didnt felt..and thats a lie for me....

I see. Well then I believe she probably got scared when she saw how you reacted to the idea, and that's why she changed her mind.

Turning fantasy into reality isn't always a good thing. And if she perceived that you seemed TOO into the idea, then she could have changed her mind because she became afraid that you would start to want the other woman.

I'll give you an example. I've never really been interested in anal sex, but I was once dating a guy who said it really turned him on. Because I wanted to make him happy, I offered to try it. And from that moment on, he was ALL about "when are we gonna have anal sex? can't wait to have anal sex! can we try it tonight? tomorrow night? when? when?

And I became afraid that, if I opened that door, our sex life was going to become all about anal sex from then on, and I would lose the kind of sex we had been having, the kind I enjoyed as it was. I didn't want to become just a hot ass for him. It would change our sex life and our love life in ways I had not foreseen when I first made the offer.

So I changed my mind and never had anal sex with him. It wasn't that I wanted to hurt him. It wasn't that I wanted to f*ck with his head and offer something that I planned to take back. It wasn't anything but his reaction that made me realize that could never work.

August 20, 2008

I'll give you an example. I've never really been interested in anal sex, but I was once dating a guy who said it really turned him on. Because I wanted to make him happy, I offered to try it. And from that moment on, he was ALL about "when are we gonna have anal sex? can't wait to have anal sex! can we try it tonight? tomorrow night? when? when?

im sorry because i seem negative...but i didnt asked for it...not even after she offered it...and while she was asking me...i was telling "i would love to ry one time because its one fantasies i got on my mind...it would be a new experience" ...but i was not like the guy of the example..i have never asked for it when? when? where? when?...she WAS THE ONLY ONE who talked about it and introduced it... and i have never make her felt pushed or something...she talked about it because she wanted .. i have never pushed her ...never...then now i got this problem...

i really think that im really stupid...im really a stupid man because i always tried to make the people i got by my side happy i always put my energy, mind, money, time, feelings...i always risked my stuff for the girls i thought were important for me...i always did so many thing i thought "oh no!!!!!!!" only because i knew my girl needed and liked it...but now i understand that maybe she is not ready to love me like i do ...maybe she is not ready to give me back the all im giving her... thats what i feel... i did so many thing that risk my all ...trying to get closer.. so many things that every man would tell me "are you crazy!?!?!?" ...and if that what i get because my full attention...maybe ist better start to act like her...i can change my mind so often...i can hurt her or not try to understand her when she needs something or when she is feeling something wrong...i have to be like all the people she met before me..because she seem like that with me...she need to come back in time..maybe i will give her a back in time .. but when she will finally understand would be so late to have back the old me... so she will really be ready to choose and feel sad because what she is doing.

August 20, 2008

im so confused to talk to her soon...because every time we talked about she was like "if i make you feel sad...maybe its better that you leave me...i dont want you sad and unhappy because of me" than she start to cry...and everytime i listen to those words...i go so mad inside...im only trying to talk..have a conversation....and i cant...she close herself in this way...then so often i think like "please dont tell me that thing one more time because im going to leave you now!"...i feel in troubles to talk about the problem she created...i dont really understand why i have to spend all my time trying to solve the problem she made to me... its like those mans that got pregnant a girl than leave her saying..."im so sorry im not ready to be a father... good bye"... its not really fair.

August 20, 2008

Cant you just respect the fact that she changed her mind? If she changed her mind, it is because she wouldn't feel comfortable doing it - so that should be reason enough for you to say, ok honey, well fine, of course we wont do it if you would feel uncomfortable. She does NOT want to have a threesome, regardless of what she said before, so let it go.

You sounds like you're obsessed with it! I dont know why. In fact you sound like you care about haing a threesome more than you care about your actual girlfriend!

August 20, 2008

She didn't do anything to you!!! Stop blaming her for your insane issue!!! And she hasn't done anything wrong. What happened was she thought she would like to try something with you so she offered it, then you became increasingly obsessed with what she offered. When she saw how outrageously obsessed you got she then decided this wouldn't work with you because you seem to need it:confused:. It isn't her fault that you are crazy and obsessive, so stop blaming her. You seem to think she owes you a threesome..do you know how outrageous you sound?? I feel incredibly bad for your gf..she has accidentally released a monster in you. You need to break it off with her so you can stop causing her so much pain with your selfish ways. You are not in love with her, there is no way you can love her if you feel like this.

August 20, 2008

#Example 1

Would it be in the same context if I were to propose to a girl and then change my mind later because I discovered that at the end I wasn't actually ready for it, and instead of pressing on with the wedding and later putting the marriage in a risk, I come clean immediately with the girl and I called the wedding off.

So, if you're the girl will you would probably be thinking "Hell, if you decided to propose to me in the first place you must have already given it a serious and deep consideration before you came to this conclusion right? Why back off all of a sudden?"

#Example 2

Guy promises girl to buy her a 1 carat diamond ring for their annivesary many times in the past, and they both went to the counter and the girl chooses her favourite ring and while on the way to the cashier the guy backs off suddenly, stating that he has 2nd thoughts and the reason was he's not sure after this if there's a case of emergency and if they needed the money but there's nont left since he has used his savings to purchase the diamond ring.

Again, if you're the girl you would probably be thinking "Why did you lead me on if you're not sure yourself?"

In my opinion, Lationman's girlfriend was actually "in the process of exploring" threesome with Latinoman, but Latinoman took it as she was actually ready for it.

So there was clearly a miscommunication in terms of expectations. The both of you had different intentions/expections when you guys were in the discussion process.

So this is probably what is going on in their minds at that moment of time:

Latinoman - She's ready for a threesome, that is why she's asking me

Girlfriend - I'm merely exploring the possibilities with you by sharing my experience, and I discovered that I couldn't do it at the end

I guess Latinoman's feeling was "Hey, I wasn't the one who asked you for a threesome. As a matter of fact, I never ever thought of if with you. You were the one who brought it up in the first place leaded me on numerous times, and now you're backing off just like that without taking my feelings in to consideration? Do you have any idea know how torturing this feels to me?"

Latinoman is basically seeking for acknowledgement/validation that his girlfriend wasn't being sensitive enough to his feelings and she made a mistake and hurted him.

Latinomam, will you feel better and perhaps maybe forgive her if she actually apologizes to you for what she has done, and she blames herself for having a threesome in the past by giving the other guy the pleasure of a threesome where she can't/not willing to give it you now?

I sense some retroactive jealousy here, which is fine I guess as we're human afterall. Are you in the process of doubting her value system ever since she revealed her threesome past to you?

Yes perhaps she wasn't tactful in her approach, and you had the wrong expectation in the begining. Its okay bro, she discovered that you mean so much more to her than anyone else, and she can't share you with anyone.

And as for the previous guy whom she had a threesome with, hell she don't give a flying f**k about him thats why she didn't care how he felt. She's not going to spend her life with him, but she's actually planning to spend her life with you.

Honestly, the way I see it there's only good thing that is coming out from this entire drama.

1. Now you know she actually loves you deep enough that she ain't gonna share you with anyone else

2. Now the both of you can communicate more effectively in the future by setting the right expectations from the beginning of the conversation

She sounds like a keeper to me Latinoman, don't give her up to somebody else.

P/S: Besides, now that you know that she loves you so much you could try to persuade her to have a threesome with you tactfully.

August 20, 2008

Honestly, the way I see it there's only good thing that is coming out from this entire drama.

1. Now you know she actually loves you deep enough that she ain't gonna share you with anyone else
2. Now the both of you can communicate more effectively in the future by setting the right expectations from the beginning of the conversation

She sounds like a keeper to me Latinoman, don't give her up to somebody else.

P/S: Besides, now that you know that she loves you so much you could try to persuade her to have a threesome with you tactfully.

That would be such a HUGE MISTAKE on his part. It would completely negate #1 and #2.

She DOES NOT WANT TO SEE HER BF F*CKING ANOTHER WOMAN. It's as simple as that. She thought about it, decided she couldn't go through with it. LET IT GO.

August 20, 2008

Next time she offers it, get it in writing and get a lawyer to witness it so she can't back out later

This would resolve the OP's distress, eh?

Ply her with copious amounts of liquor and hurry her down to the attorney's office.

Problem solved.

August 21, 2008

I think a lot of Latinoman's anger stems from the fact that he won't ask for what he wants no matter what. All that anger building up has burst the damn. he's past rational thought processes because this isn't ONLY about a 3 way. This is about everything he's always wanted and never asked for. I think this is a billion instances rolled into one, and snow balled into an avalanche.

August 21, 2008

That would be such a HUGE MISTAKE on his part. It would completely negate #1 and #2.

She DOES NOT WANT TO SEE HER BF F*CKING ANOTHER WOMAN. It's as simple as that. She thought about it, decided she couldn't go through with it. LET IT GO.

Well Latinoman, there you go. Norajane couldn't have said it better, LET IT GO.

You're not allowed to bring this up again with your girlfriend for the rest of your life because it will be such a huge mistake.

I'm sorry some here are not able to validate your feelings, I do however. All the best to you in any decisions that you're going to make. Please keep us posted.

August 23, 2008

Apart from Changchewswoon everyone here seems to be acting insensitive to Latinoman's feelings. They seem to be protecting an individual's right to change their mind and that is respectable. However, in focusing just on that they are blinded to the pain that your girlfriend's decision process has cost you and what it has invited into the relationship. As someone who has been through an almost identical situation I sympathize. Here is the process as I see it.

1. Latinoman has a girlfriend he really likes. He may or may not have been aware of her past sexual behavior but this is inconsequential since he is completely satisfied with her and is comfortable with the person she is. She's everything he ever wanted.

2. Latinoman's girlfriend begins to offer a threesome. Latinoman has never done this but never placed much value on it. She informs him that she has done this before and would like to do it again with him. She shares her experience with it and gives it value for Latinoman. By inviting him into this experience that she knows and he does not she invites him into her past with it.

3. Latinoman's girlfriend changes her mind(her prerogative). She loves him too much to share and that is beautiful. However, in changing her mind she has chosen to prevent Latinoman from experiencing something that she granted value to. An imbalance is created in the relationship.

Originally this imbalance existed in the relationship but without value. Latinoman didn't care about her past be cause it was unconnected to him. Now Latinoman values this imbalance because she introduced it to him and gave it value. The result is this:

-Latinoman compares his lack of experience with threesomes to her's. He may feel jealous that she has done this and he hasn't. He may feel inadequate.

-Latinoman compares his value to the man who participated in her past experience. That man received an experience with her that Latinoman will never have. Although he is aware of the fact that she loves him, Latinoman may feel sexually inadequate when comparing himself to this stranger.

In short, Latinoman's girlfriend connected Latinoman to her sexual history and invited retroactive jealousy into their relationship. That may have been an honest mistake but it doesn't justify writing off his feelings. This whole situation was constructed by her. Most people will agree that threesomes are bad for relationships so she should never have brought it up. Now her past is his.

As for my experience, I was able to get over it temporarily. The girlfriend I had at the time had a female friend who wanted to experience this. After they talked they approached me. They roused the realization in me that I wanted to experience this for the first time too. They dragged on the flirting and promises as long as they could until my girlfriend changed her mind. She loved me too much. I eventually got over it because I loved her too. When everything seemed to be going fine she broke up with me. She claimed that she was scared of the feelings she had for me. She started thinking about spending her life with me but didn't feel ready as she had not acquired all the experiences she wanted to.

I stayed friends with her for a short time. Months later I was invited to a party with her and her friend. We were sitting in a hot tub when this other guy there started talking about fantasies. My exgirlfriend's friend said that she was able to fulfill one of them with the help of my ex. I knew which one it was and although I am not one to get jealous of exgirlfriends something about this felt different. We were unable to remain friends after that.

I was too good for a threesome but not good enough to stay with. Or was it the other way around? Not good enough for a threesome but too good to stay with.

To this day the thought of a threesome turns me off. I can't watch an adult film with it. I can't participate in celebrating it in conversation. I don't have the fortitude to date a girl who has experienced it.

August 23, 2008

Ugh... I didn't read all the responses but for God's sake you are so out of line. We don't always get what we want. Don't hold it against her. She had a fantasy but then USED HER BRAIN INSTEAD OF HER SEX DRIVE to do what is best for her relationship with YOU. You have a great girl that you could be enjoying life with instead of writing on LS complaining about how she won't let you bang another girl!

I'm sorry that this is not the loving support you want but this post made me SICK.

August 24, 2008

^Read a little more . The situation is not as simple as it seems and it is his girlfriend's responsibility.

August 24, 2008

^Read a little more . The situation is not as simple as it seems and it is his girlfriend's responsibility.

Sounds that simple to me. She can either let him f*ck another woman, or he'll hold that against her for the rest of the relationship.

Seems pretty simple to me.

August 24, 2008

^Read a little more . The situation is not as simple as it seems and it is his girlfriend's responsibility.

Oh wow..I stand corrected. Well then, by all means I guess she owes him the opportunity to f*** some other chick. What a selfish gf for not letting him.:lmao: Poor guy!!

August 24, 2008

I really don't think the OPs emotional response has much to do with actually having a threesome. He probably would have regretted it if he got it and I doubt he has any girls in mind. The dialogue that his girlfriend started and explored with him cultivated retroactive jealousy that had not previously existed. This is more about him feeling inadequate than actually wanting the threesome. Her decision process confused and hurt him. She didn't mean to but that doesn't make his feeling invalid.

August 24, 2008

I really don't think the OPs emotional response has much to do with actually having a threesome. He probably would have regretted it if he got it and I doubt he has any girls in mind. The dialogue that his girlfriend started and explored with him cultivated retroactive jealousy that had not previously existed. This is more about him feeling inadequate than actually wanting the threesome. Her decision process confused and hurt him. She didn't mean to but that doesn't make his feeling invalid.

No not invalid, just over exaggerated. I completely understand his disappointment, but he is making it out to be a deal-breaker when it shouldn't be. He has an obsessive type of personality and I see why she changed her mind, he is not a good candidate for a threesome in anyway shape or form. He has made her out to be a bad gf for having second thoughts about this, but any gf would have changed her mind after they saw how important it is to him to have a 3some.

August 24, 2008

No not invalid, just over exaggerated. I completely understand his disappointment, but he is making it out to be a deal-breaker when it shouldn't be. He has an obsessive type of personality and I see why she changed her mind, he is not a good candidate for a threesome in anyway shape or form. He has made her out to be a bad gf for having second thoughts about this, but any gf would have changed her mind after they saw how important it is to him to have a 3some.

Yes, I understand that she made the right choice to not go through with the threesome. Her poor choice was to give him a reason to compare himself to her past when he wasn't prone to it before. Why ruin a good thing?

I think that his emotional response sounds more like he feels inadequate towards her sexually now. He felt no concern about it until she brought it up and nurtured his desire for it. She appeared to be sexually empowered to him and offered to sexually empower him. After she denied him she appeared sexually empowered but denied him empowerment. He knows that she decided against this because she loves him but the unreasonable part of his brain is telling him that he is not good enough.

I think that one of the worst things a person can do to their partner is diminish them sexually whether it be by cheating, flirting, watching porn, ignoring, comparing or otherwise. She effectively compared him and he feels like he has a small dick.

He wasn't asking: "Why won't she allow me to copulate with her and another woman at the same time?" He's asking: "Why did she place me in the context of her sexual history and then reject me sexually".

August 24, 2008

I really don't think the OPs emotional response has much to do with actually having a threesome. He probably would have regretted it if he got it and I doubt he has any girls in mind. The dialogue that his girlfriend started and explored with him cultivated retroactive jealousy that had not previously existed. This is more about him feeling inadequate than actually wanting the threesome. Her decision process confused and hurt him. She didn't mean to but that doesn't make his feeling invalid.

So what would you recommend to him as a next step?

I think this issue triggered something within that's bigger than threesomes or his girlfriend. If this is about him feeling inadequate, that's not something that just started now.

August 24, 2008

So what would you recommend to him as a next step?

I think this issue triggered something within that's bigger than threesomes or his girlfriend. If this is about him feeling inadequate, that's not something that just started now.

Thats a tough one. He does need to get over this but not in a "suck it up"/"erase your feels" kinda way. He needs to process and understand these feelings so that he can clearly communicate them to his girlfriend. Since I don't think he would really want a threesome if he looked at how he feels about her. Perhaps they could work together to explore more exciting and unique experiences that don't threaten monogamy. Its hard to experience every adventurous sexual experience so I'm sure there is probably a list of amazing alternatives to restore his sexual power. They just need to play some fun and dirty sex games that neither one of them have experienced and both will enjoy. He needs that special sex experience with her that no other man has had.

August 24, 2008

Thats a tough one. He does need to get over this but not in a "suck it up"/"erase your feels" kinda way. He needs to process and understand these feelings so that he can clearly communicate them to his girlfriend. Since I don't think he would really want a threesome if he looked at how he feels about her.

Perhaps they could work together to explore more exciting and unique experiences that don't threaten monogamy. Its hard to experience every adventurous sexual experience so I'm sure there is probably a list of amazing alternatives to restore his sexual power. They just need to play some fun and dirty sex games that neither one of them have experienced and both will enjoy. He needs that special sex experience with her that no other man has had.

So, you're suggesting they explore and try new things neither has done.

Ok, latinoman, would that work for you? Would that make you feel better? I'm skeptical, because it sounds like you want to her to solve this problem for you:

i feel in troubles to talk about the problem she created...i dont really understand why i have to spend all my time trying to solve the problem she made to me...

And I'm skeptical because sexual exploration requires intimacy and an open mind, and right now, latinoman's mind is anything but open. It's fixated on his disappointment.

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she offered me a thressome ...but now she dont want it

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