LondonFella Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Hi all, I need some advice. This could be long because i want to mention everything so that the advice you give me factors in all the different variables at play in my situation. First let me mention the bad. I've been a porn addict for longer than my 5 yr marriage to my wife. For a while i was able to keep it secret and then one day around a year after we'd tied the knot she found out about it and was really, really, upset. About two years ago i started flirting with a woman online. It was mild flirtation and the worst i did was to tell this other woman that she was pretty. Well, my wife found out about that too. I never spoke to her or any other woman in an inappropriate fashion after that. I have also been trying extremely hard to give up my addiction. I've been reading books about it, seeing a counsellor about it and i feel that its grip on me is starting to loosen. I will hold up my hands and say that i really regret the above and i was an idiot especially for flirting with another woman. My wife has never forgiven me for either of those and she keeps bringing it up in our arguments. Earlier this year when my wife found some porn on my PC she went mad, and moved out to live with her parents, at the same time spilling the beans on all my faults to EVERYONE in her family and also my parents, brothers and sisters. As you can imagine that was immensely humiliating for me. She came back after about 2 months, because basically i pleaded for her to comeback. I was missing her, and especially my two daughters to whom i am very attached. We go through normal times, but more frequently then that we'll have around 2 arguments each week always initiated by her, and 95% of the time i am the one who offers the olive branch. Her family are very conservative and were so angry at what i'd done that it led to arguments between my family and hers, and things have got so bad between us that my wife's sister is getting married next weekend and her family have not even invited us to the wedding (not that we want to go). After returning, we had an argument and she told me that while she was at her parents house, her father, brothers and sister were all advising her to leave me, but she came back to me on her mother's advice. Now to the current. I am just so frustrated with the constant arguments we keep having that i try not to come home too early from work because the longer we're under the same roof in the evening, the more chance that she will start an argument over something. I try to busy myself with other projects which keep me away from her - but that has a negative impact in that she believes i am putting her and the marriage last in my list of priorities. But if she would only make me feel happy to come home i would be much more inclined to spend more time with her. She has been at her parents for about a week to help with wedding preparations and she hasn't bothered to call for 5 days - only sent me two text messages - and even those were short responses to texts that i had sent. She doesn't trust me at all. In fact, she doesn't like it a single bit that i talk to any other female - even my female cousins. And can you imagine how stifling that is, that you can't even have a conversation with a female without worrying that your wife is going to jump to the wrong conclusion. The other night - i went to a friend's wedding, and i was observing the other women and they all seemed so happy and sociable, and i compared them to my wife who is so miserable so often that its as if there is cloud following her wherever she goes. She doesn't laugh and smile much and she has a very small circle of friends, which is opposite to me because i come from a large family who love meeting each other and have large groups of friends. I feel very, very unhappy living with her at the moment. I feel that there is more fun at a cemetery than in my house half the time. Yet, when things are good and she isn't getting into her moods or anything things are great - absolutely great. On a good day she is a great housewife, a great wife and mother. I don't know what to do. Shall i pursue a separation with a view to a divorce? Or hang in there? Thanks for reading.
imagine Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Okay! Take responsibility. Trust has to be earned. I would volunteer to become as transparent as possible. Give her your password, install a key logger, restrict your time away from your wife. Don't talk to ladies outside of her presence. Share ALL risky situations, but try to establish a comfortable place for discussion that will enable you to share these without her condemning you. In short make it impossible for you to cheat. I don't like her family interfering. But you do need to respect them. Respecting their advice is another matter. Unless you are abusive, negligent or have abandoned her, I do not see, from your account, how their recommendation is legitimate. Instigators of an invalid separation should be cautioned, and ultimately cut off if they persist.
Author LondonFella Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Thanks for your advice imagine. I know that being totally transparent would be helpful to her, but i also do value some privacy: everyone needs their own space, and i'd like to feel free enough to be able to go online and have a discussion with friends of mine without her having to know everything that has been said. She had access to my email accounts for something like six months without my knowing. And obviously she didn't find anything cos there wasn't anything to hide. She regularly goes through my phone to check who ive been talking to, etc. As regards her family, i don't know how i can respect them after how they advised her to split from me. One time we had an argument while her mum was staying round. I wanted to patch things up without my mother in law hearing everything so i sat my wife in the car and spoke to her there. We were about 20 minutes. In the meantime, her mother calls up my family saying that she feared i'd kidnapped her daughter and had taken her away to beat her up. There has been no precedent for physical abuse in my marriage (except the one time she threw a punch at me!) so I was like wtf?
beautifullove Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Did you say you have been to MC or IC? An addiciton can cause a lot of pain, and even though you mean well, battling against an addiction requires hel. My H was a sex addict, and I eventually left. He still is today, and I left him a couple of years ago. It is also a form of emotional abuse where your W is concerned, because she will experience the brunt of it. When people are sex addicts they almost always act out physically. I'm lucku I escaped unscaved, but I guess I was lucky, because sex addicts can put their SO at risk. MC might be your last option.
TrustInYourself Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Addiction has to be addressed. That is the underlying contribution to the problems on your part. It is a problem. Fix it for yourself, not for your marriage. Communication. Women read privacy and withdrawl as a slap in the face. We men need our man-caves to regroup. However, in your case, your privacy is a constant stressor to your wife due to your porn addiction. Also, you need to address the other minor issues in your marriage. There needs to be a clear cut, loving emotional fulfilling environment in your marriage in order for your wife to start to change. Your actions/reactions are the basis for any interaction. Experiment and identify your contributions. Try and understand your wife and what she wants and needs in order to feel happy and loved. Study and read some books and literature on communication/relationships. Fixing this kind of thing takes serious dedication and devotion to your wife and family and love. Address yourself and you will reap the butterfly effect. Take care.
TrustInYourself Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Did you say you have been to MC or IC? An addiciton can cause a lot of pain, and even though you mean well, battling against an addiction requires hel. My H was a sex addict, and I eventually left. He still is today, and I left him a couple of years ago. It is also a form of emotional abuse where your W is concerned, because she will experience the brunt of it. When people are sex addicts they almost always act out physically. I'm lucku I escaped unscaved, but I guess I was lucky, because sex addicts can put their SO at risk. MC might be your last option. What constitutes a sex addict? I might be one.
imagine Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 There are two areas of consideration in your first posting: 1. Divorce. 2. Reconciliation and restoration. Point one: Did your wife default in the marriage agreement? Are you prepared to renege on your promise to keep her as your wife? Point two: Do you want to restore your marriage to its former or better status? You alone know the answers for point 1. I will assume the answer to be a "yes" for point 2. This condition obviously implies reconciliation. You concede that transparency is a path to reconciliation. You indicate that your actions are the cause of your wife's present insecurity, yet I'm guessing that you would prefer that she find it in her heart to overlook your indiscretions and just get back to normal. This overlooking indiscretions would not only be unrealistic but, coupled to a porn addiction, foolish. Lets examine your comments. Thanks for your advice imagine. I know that being totally transparent would be helpful to her, but I also do value some privacy: everyone needs their own space, and I'd like to feel free enough to be able to go online and have a discussion with friends of mine without her having to know everything that has been said. How does your loss of personal privacy weigh against her burden of continual mistrust? Has she not earned your trust by keeping the confidences of your friends correspondence? Would it be a great inconvenience to notify friends of your missus' surveillance? As regards her family, I don't know how I can respect them after how they advised her to split from me. One time we had an argument while her mum was staying round. I wanted to patch things up without my mother in law hearing everything so i sat my wife in the car and spoke to her there. We were about 20 minutes. In the meantime, her mother calls up my family saying that she feared I'd kidnapped her daughter and had taken her away to beat her up. Do you not see that their behaviour and their person are two separate identities? Clearly they have made the same mistake as you are making. They have pegged you as toxic because of your addiction and have ignored all your other wholesome qualities. Try to appreciate that they are trying to protect someone that they love, albeit unwisely. Do not lightly remove the support circle that Mrs Londonfella has established.
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