iwanttolive Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I met this guy.. He's kind-hearted, has stable career, shares the same interest, values and principles as me. I'd also bet that he will treat me like treasure. But there's one thing that disturbs me. He does not carry himself confidently. He mumbles when he talks and shy away when my frens and i got crazy, noisy and loud. Am I expecting too much? I like confident guys, i think everyone do. All my ex-es, however, were cocky, full of themselves and chauvinistic. I find myself caring for this guy, yet his shy behavior disturbs me. When and where is right to compromise your standard and criteria? I can have stable and secure relationship with this guy. No more emotional roller coaster. But im confused.. My head says yes and my heart says no. What do i do? Thanks guys..
J2FT1 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I met this guy.. He's kind-hearted, has stable career, shares the same interest, values and principles as me. I'd also bet that he will treat me like treasure. But there's one thing that disturbs me. He does not carry himself confidently. He mumbles when he talks and shy away when my frens and i got crazy, noisy and loud. Am I expecting too much? I like confident guys, i think everyone do. All my ex-es, however, were cocky, full of themselves and chauvinistic. I find myself caring for this guy, yet his shy behavior disturbs me. When and where is right to compromise your standard and criteria? I can have stable and secure relationship with this guy. No more emotional roller coaster. But im confused.. My head says yes and my heart says no. What do i do? Thanks guys.. To be honest, maybe you still crave the bad-boy and so a shy-nice doormat guy isn't gonna do it for you. You don't seem confused (why do women always say that?). You want the best of both worlds; a badboy who is also stable. Everyone wants that. What do you do? Have fun until you can compromise. Good luck.
Author iwanttolive Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Thanks J2F.. Is there anything wrong with marrying nice shy guy? Im picturing myself introducing this guy to my galfrens and they will not be impressed. Is this the wrong attitude? So ultimately, will i settle to marry nice shy guy if i want to be happy and stable?
Author iwanttolive Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Ok, i just read a few threads regarding compromise. Someone said some things like core values, etc should not be compromised. But expectations out of thin air can be. Is my desire for confident cool guy an expectation out of thin air? Or can it be compromised? Thanks..
J2FT1 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Thanks J2F.. Is there anything wrong with marrying nice shy guy? Im picturing myself introducing this guy to my galfrens and they will not be impressed. Is this the wrong attitude? So ultimately, will i settle to marry nice shy guy if i want to be happy and stable? Yes there are faults to being with a shy-nice guy, just like faults with the bad boy. The thing is you have to find what you want (the positives) and what you can live with (the negatives), hence compromise. If you have no problem with initiating sex for the rest of your life then stick to the shy guy. Balance is ideal and what nature is built around. You can't be always happy and always stable. Pick balance. Maybe a guy who isn't that great off but knows how to love you. Who knows?
J2FT1 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Ok, i just read a few threads regarding compromise. Someone said some things like core values, etc should not be compromised. But expectations out of thin air can be. Is my desire for confident cool guy an expectation out of thin air? Or can it be compromised? Thanks.. You sound like you want everything and that's not what marriage is about, not long marriages anyway. You said it yourself that the guys you date don't have the same values as you. It is very hard to find someone with everything you want: confidence, looks, money. This is when maturity comes into play, when you can compromise. That is what marriage is. Now of course you both have to compromise, not just you.
GoodOnPaper Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I met this guy.. He's kind-hearted, has stable career, shares the same interest, values and principles as me. I'd also bet that he will treat me like treasure. But there's one thing that disturbs me. He does not carry himself confidently. He mumbles when he talks and shy away when my frens and i got crazy, noisy and loud. Am I expecting too much? I like confident guys, i think everyone do. All my ex-es, however, were cocky, full of themselves and chauvinistic. I find myself caring for this guy, yet his shy behavior disturbs me. When and where is right to compromise your standard and criteria? I can have stable and secure relationship with this guy. No more emotional roller coaster. But im confused.. My head says yes and my heart says no. What do i do? Thanks guys.. Is he in touch with who he is and what he wants in life? Does he have a reasonable level of self-acceptance? If the answers are yes, then being a shy and stable male is not a bad thing -- despite the contrary impression you may get from LS. If the answers are no or "not sure", consider things more carefully -- could be big intimacy issues in the near future or down the road.
Jersey Shortie Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Prehaps he is a differently person once you get to know him. Less shy, more of the man you want? There are men out there that are more balanced. You seem to be talking about two extremes. Some men are able to be confident and respectful of women. Some men aren't. Just because a guy is "nice" doesn't mean you should fall in love with him. It's great to be "nice" but relationships are so much more then "nice". Perhaps neither the bad boys or the shy guys are your style. Perhaps what you need is just a straight up "good man".
Stockalone Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Thanks J2F.. Is there anything wrong with marrying nice shy guy? Im picturing myself introducing this guy to my galfrens and they will not be impressed. Is this the wrong attitude? So ultimately, will i settle to marry nice shy guy if i want to be happy and stable? I can understand that you want your friends to get along with your bf, but why do they have to be impressed? I can't give advice about marriage, given that I have never been married. However, I would think that if it feels like settling, it's probably not the smartest idea to get married. Settling, to me, means giving up something that you need to have in order to be happy. Compromising means giving up some of the things you enjoy doing (or do them a lot less), yet you can live without them because the relationship makes you happy. He does not carry himself confidently. He mumbles when he talks and shy away when my frens and i got crazy, noisy and loud. Am I expecting too much? If he is the quiet, reserved kind of guy because that is who he is and he is comfortable with being him, then I don't think it is possible that he will change into a cocky, outgoing person. He won't change if he is happy with who he is. Have you talked to him about this, him shying away from your friends? He might not be comfortable with their "rowdy" behaviour and thus tends to shy away. Is my desire for confident cool guy an expectation out of thin air? Or can it be compromised? Thanks.. That is a question only you can answer. What is an unrealistic expectation or not is highly individual. Can you see yourself being comfortable with how he behaves in public eventually, him being shy and not outgoing? Or does it bother you so much, that you are starting to get embarrased being seen with him in public (like being worried that your friends won't be impressed)?
Sinister Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I met this guy.. He's kind-hearted, has stable career, shares the same interest, values and principles as me. I'd also bet that he will treat me like treasure. But there's one thing that disturbs me. He does not carry himself confidently. He mumbles when he talks and shy away when my frens and i got crazy, noisy and loud. Am I expecting too much? I like confident guys, i think everyone do. All my ex-es, however, were cocky, full of themselves and chauvinistic. I find myself caring for this guy, yet his shy behavior disturbs me. When and where is right to compromise your standard and criteria? I can have stable and secure relationship with this guy. No more emotional roller coaster. But im confused.. My head says yes and my heart says no. What do i do? Thanks guys.. You don't deserve this guy if can't look past your basest instincts. All your ex's were confident, so where are they now? This new guys behavior around your friends disturbs you? Did you ever consider how unpalatable your behavior may be to him? Why is it that women think that whatever is going on in their heads is reality for everyone else?
carhill Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 OP, my opinion is that you should back away from dating for awhile and work on yourself. A quick perusal of your prior threads finds me thinking that you're all over the place and haven't yet found your center. You won't find it in others. There's this thing called compatibility. It's a symbiosis of psyches, much more than the otherwise important qualities you have enumerated. Find that essence in yourself and you'll recognize it in a man, shy or not. Regarding the current guy, I'd date him casually if you enjoy his company and don't wish to be alone. Be honest with him about your reservations. As an example of situational shyness, I'm very outgoing, but get me into a crowd of noisy people, especially if they're drinking, and I clam up, not because I'm shy, but because I can't relate to their reality. I'll go seek out someone or a group who are enjoying themselves, but in a quieter way. Over-stimulation is painful for me. Not saying this has anything to do with your guy, but offer it as an example of one explanation for behavior. Why is it that women think that whatever is going on in their heads is reality for everyone else? IMO, it's because they are socialized this way. The perspective can be and is often reinforced by those who would blow sunshine up their @ss to get what they want from them. Over time, it becomes a permanent mindset, unalterable by anything other than a life-altering event, like death, divorce, or mental illness. Well, that's my theory anyway
monkey00 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Shy people tend to take time to open up/ or get used to their surroundings before they're themselves. I wouldn't know how his situation is, but I would have to say given time I think things are bound to change.
vonerik012 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Thanks J2F.. Is there anything wrong with marrying nice shy guy? Im picturing myself introducing this guy to my galfrens and they will not be impressed. Is this the wrong attitude? So ultimately, will i settle to marry nice shy guy if i want to be happy and stable? Wow, do many women tend to pick mates based on "What will impress my friends?" Actually he is too good for you, so do him a favor and let him go.
Touche Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Yeah, the bit about impressing your friends jumped out at me too. Anyone who chooses a mate with that in mind, isn't even ready for marriage. You're not ready for a guy like this. Let him go and find someone who appreciates the "real deal" because you're not there yet.
vonerik012 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 . He mumbles when he talks and shy away when my frens and i got crazy, noisy and loud. Am I expecting too much? What man wants to be around a bunch of loud, noisy, and crazy women? He probably had little interest in your conversation. I have been stuck in that position before as well. Go out with my girlfriend, meet her friends, and they are talking for hours about exes, high school friends, teachers, etc.. What am I supposed to contribute?
Walk Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I like confident guys, i think everyone do. All my ex-es, however, were cocky, full of themselves and chauvinistic. I find myself caring for this guy, yet his shy behavior disturbs me. Do you think its because the cocky/chauvinistic attitude offsets your own personality, or because it matches it? What about it is attractive to you? For example... I like a bit cocky/out going because I'm introverted. It kind of offsets my personality. I like people who can be out-going and full of themselves. As far as your gfs liking him... If they're your real friends, then they'll love him because you love him (unless he's bad for you). But real friends accept their friends partners because they love their friends and want the best for them.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Chemistry is either there or it's not. Never pick someone who solely meets your wants but not your needs. Any need unmet will build into resentment.
lino Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Wow, do many women tend to pick mates based on "What will impress my friends?" Yes, in fact I'd say most do.
pandagirl Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Yes, in fact I'd say most do. I wouldn't say "impress," but it's very important to me that my friends like whoever I'm dating, since my friends are good judges of character.
J2FT1 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I wouldn't say "impress," but it's very important to me that my friends like whoever I'm dating, since my friends are good judges of character. Yes, in fact I'd say most do. Wow, never knew this. I never put the effort into getting to know a girl's friends. That may be the problem?
vonerik012 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I am sure not all women are like this, but just perhaps the ones to stay away from... Why would I want to live a life making decisions that would impress her friends. What subdivision we live in, how big her rock is, what cars we drive, what i do for work... And TRUST ME.. Many girls have "friends" that are completely jealous if you find a good man, and very quick to tear any man down. I would not listen to your girlfriends advice.
almost famous Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 He may be a great guy but if you aren't feeling "it," then don't try to make it work. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting a guy to act like a geek when you're out with friends. Men are the same way, they don't want to be embarrassed by their girlfriend's behaviors, either.
vonerik012 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Well she has to spend the rest of her life with the man, not her little girlfriends... So she should pick a man based on how well he fits in with her friends? lol She will be single a LOONG time.. Quite often it is a girls best friend that ends up trying to sleep with the guy anyway..
monkey00 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 And TRUST ME.. Many girls have "friends" that are completely jealous if you find a good man, and very quick to tear any man down. I would not listen to your girlfriends advice. Yes catty and competitve..some are like that. I'd say if you want good judges of character, I doubt you could go wrong with your family's opinion.
Author iwanttolive Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 I agree that im being immature and a put-off for wanting my guy to impress my galfrens. Im not trying to make-up excuses for myself but I think I should clarify something. I don't demand my bf to look good, give me a huge rock, drive big shiny car, have huge bank account or own a posh apartment. I cared for him and appreciated his kindness. But something killed my feeling towards him last Friday night. I don't know how to describe it but his body language showed that he was a pushover and he felt inferior. He slouched and he mumbled and laughed awkwardly when he spoke. And when my fren struck a casual conversation about what he did for a living, he grabbed his wallet and namecard from his pocket with his hands dripping with grease n juice from his burger. That was an instant turn-off. But now im wondering whether im being shallow, superficial or whether its reasonable to feel that way. I guess.. there's no way I can put up with his body language and unhygienic behavior. Ive told him that I feel we have no chemistry.
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