Ingenue Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I don’t understand it. As I compose this, I’m alternating between suppressing sniffles and wiping tears away. For the past month I’ve been doing wonderfully. I was processing the entire break up and living my life the best I could. It’s fast approaching the 2 month mark since I was dumped by my ex of 5 years and maybe that’s why tonight I feel like I’ve taken 10 colossal steps backwards. I can’t understand why all night I’ve been crying, not just tears, but gut wrenching sobs of sadness and despair. And every time I tell myself that I need to stop and just be strong, I end up crying more. I’m not in denial about it and for the first few weeks post dump, I was an emotional mess, plastered on the floor. But then, I picked myself up and I was good. I was doing all the right things: no contact to heal myself; reconnecting with friends; finding new activities; putting away all the old reminders of my ex. I was laughing and enjoying life again, having fun and just being able to live. Now I’m once again staring at a mountain of tissues all over again and I don’t know what to do. How do I get this to stop? And why the heck am I crying like this again? I should be over this stage. I feel like I’m such a fraud because on the rare occasions when I offer my inexperienced opinion on this site, I encourage others to be strong and try to live life and tell them that it does get better over time. Aren’t we always supposed to be moving forwards? Aren’t we supposed to live life and eventually the hurt will go away? I’ve been doing that and it seemed to work, but now I’m back to a pity party of one and the mountain of tissues beside me grows bigger every hour. Sorry for sounding like a sniveling fool. I guess I just needed to vent. It’s been one of those nights.
sunshinegirl Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 (((hugs))) Grieving isn't linear. Every time someone posts on here to say "great! I cried my last tear, am looking forward, I'm past [name the phase], onward and upward!" I feel a little lurch in my stomach because it most likely WASN'T the last tear and they'll be posting a day or a week later feeling confused at their setback. Grief is a sonofabitch, just when you think you've emerged and the sun is shining on your shoulders again, some crazy trigger will set you off down sadness road. I burst into tears tonight, for like 2 minutes, upon reading a dating guide that strongly urged women to avoid emotionally unavailable men. (Hello, I dated the poster child of EU.) So be gentle with yourself. I was reading Elizabeth Kubler-Ross the other day (the person who came up with the 5 stages of grieving) and one thing she wrote is that tears are physically cathartic. Embrace them, and don't stop before you're really done, because they are literally helping you heal. Especially in your case, because you are only two months past a 5 year relationship! Some people say it takes half the length of the relationship to heal (I'm not convinced of that, but it's a benchmark for some). Be gentle with yourself and trust that over time the crying jags will become shorter and you will recover faster.
citizen67 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Oh honey, they'll be days like this - its unfortunate, I know, but it is. Apparently you needed to cry today. I know it feels crappy, but the suffering part is necessary to get to the other side. So, as hard as it is to believe, it was not a step backwards, it was a necessary step forward. The good news is, tomorrow is another day, and you are bound to feel better than you did today. Just accept that it was a blue day for you, while remembering that as time goes on the days you are sad about this will be farther and farther in between
foxh1234 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Hi, I've been where you are. Just when I thought I was over things, the rollercoaster would take another dip and I would be a mess again. My advice is let it out, cry a river if you feel like it and don't hold anything back. You will stop crying and feel better in your time.
0hpenelope Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 The roller coasters are definitely a part of it. I'm in agreement with Ms. sunshinegirl here. It's very human to experience the lows of moving on. I have my really deep dips from time to time and I don't even remember how long it has been since I took my NC seriously. Mourning's a part of it - a very important part of things. Do you have anything that you can occupy yourself? It doesn't have to be with a group of friends... When I know it's my head I'm up against, it doesn't matter if I'm with people because Lawrence is on my mind. So I read books or play video games or solve puzzles or re-read the newspaper. Just something to occupy the mind.
Author Ingenue Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Thank you all for the comforting words. he good news is, tomorrow is another day, and you are bound to feel better than you did today. Just accept that it was a blue day for you, while remembering that as time goes on the days you are sad about this will be farther and farther in betweenMy advice is let it out, cry a river if you feel like it and don't hold anything back. You will stop crying and feel better in your time. Today is indeed another day and I feel better than yesterday. I think both of you were right that I needed to vent and cry and get it out. I went through 3/4 of a box of tissues and my eyes are so cried out that I can barely open them this morning. Yesterday night I spoke to my sister for a good while and she let me vent and call my ex every name in the book. Grieving isn't linear...Grief is a sonofabitch, just when you think you've emerged and the sun is shining on your shoulders again, some crazy trigger will set you off down sadness road. I burst into tears tonight, for like 2 minutes, upon reading a dating guide that strongly urged women to avoid emotionally unavailable men. (Hello, I dated the poster child of EU.) It's too bad grieving isn't linear. It would make the process of moving on so much easier to understand. And I think I had a few triggers that coalesced into my pity party yesterday. One of my mother's friends said that I was "a spinster already and I was going to die a miserable spinster". I normally don't care what people say about me but considering that my morale has taken a hit from being dumped by my ex of 5 years over email, this really got to me. I don't define myself by being married. I am very independent. But this comment, said at this time in my life, was really insensitive. I think my other trigger was just mulling over the fact about how emotionally unsatisfying an email dump really is. To compound that is the fact that my ex thinks I'm the backburner girl so he refuses to introduce negative thoughts (and explanations) into the email because he has this idea that we'll get together again after he explores the other side of the fence. I know closure is something I have to find on my own terms. It's just hard to find closure and be a better person and learn from this past relationship, when the other party refuses to cooperate. An email dump is hard to move on from Do you have anything that you can occupy yourself? It doesn't have to be with a group of friends... When I know it's my head I'm up against, it doesn't matter if I'm with people because Lawrence is on my mind. So I read books or play video games or solve puzzles or re-read the newspaper. Just something to occupy the mind. Absolutely. I just am in procrastination mode and haven't the mindset yet to dig into what I need to do. I usually do read and for the past month I was great (even my friends and family said so). But yesterday I just didn't have the energy or desire to pick up a book to preoccupy myself. I just wanted to cry and wallow (I know unhealthy). Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate you letting me vent and whine and rant. And I appreciate your words of wisdom. This is my first heartbreak so I don't have much experience in this regard. While I'm not that young, I opted to not date just anyone because they were a warm form. I waited until I found a person whom I connected with, really connected with. That lasted 5 years. Now it's over and I don't have the emotional armor to deal with everything that comes with the heartache. No real past experience of young love and all of that to rely on. So I'm sortof feeling my way as I go along. Who knew it was going to be a helluva ride
citizen67 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 Ingenue - I hear you on the spinster comment - Awhile ago, my aunt told me that she believed that her daughter would never marry "just like you" (meaning me). I laughed it off and felt more sorry for her daughter (not b/c she wont get married but b/c her mother goes around saying that kinda thing) than anything else, but it popped right into my head when I read your post, so yeah, it is mean. BTW - I don't think it is unhealthy to indulge in some crying if you are sad (and not @ work or somewhere else where crying is unaccepted)
Author Ingenue Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 citizen67 - I hear you. This aunt lacks common courtesy and a general sense of tact. Think whatever comment you want, but there's a time and place for everything. And in my opinion, her timing was completely off. Perhaps in her mind she thought it fun and appropriate to have kicked me when my morale was down.
Author Ingenue Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Penelope - I'm doing much better. Thank you very much for asking. After Saturday's pity fest, I feel still a little sad today. I shed a tear or two, but nothing like the emotional turbulence of Saturday. I'm a glutton for punishment though as I read and reread my ex's breakup email. I hadn't looked at it in probably a month and a half, but now the words are rattling about in my head.
Recommended Posts