brightskies Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 He wanted a second chance and we’ve decided to go for it, starting fresh. We've shown positive changes in our interactions. We’re much closer and have been really happy apart from some minor re-establishment and growing pains. We’re currently long distance, but he’s moving here in the fall so we can be together. This weekend will be his third visit since he contacted me in June. Early next month he wants me to visit with him and meet his dad and stepmom. He wanted me to meet them when we were together last year but things went awry and it didn’t happen. If I do go, this would be my first visit to him since we re-connected. It's also the first time I’m meeting any of his family and I'm nervous! He has to go abroad this October to see his mother and his grandmother, who's ill. He invited me and I'd like to go, but I probably can’t. So, he wants me to travel with him to meet them next summer when I have more time off and he can show me his hometown and family roots. He recently said that he wants us to be living together in six months. At one point, he also said, quite seriously, that if we have kids he wants us to raise them back where he grew up. It's wonderful that he's thinking about this, but I have reservations about living together. I feel unready for this step, not because I don’t love him, but because cohabitation to me is a huge commitment and I see it in the context of marriage. He said he understands, but he’d like to re-open discussion in six months. Tenacious, this one. He brought up these matters on his own without my prompting. I’m really thrilled and happy that he wants to include me in his life this way and that he sees a future together. However, are we moving too fast? Most advice on my previous post included: start from scratch, slow things down, get to know him all over again. How do I slow things down without offending him? Should I wait a bit before I go meet his family? He means the world to me and I don’t want to mess things up by rushing. He seems to be jumping the gun a bit more, and I feel like it's up to me to set the pace, maybe?
jerbear Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Follow your gut instincts. Only you know what is the right pace for you and go with it. If you feel you two are moving to fast, you're probably moving to fast. I also would not think you should "set pace and let him follow". Both of you are in the relationship together and I think both of you should communicate and be on the same page. Have you two communicated about the pace of things? The pace should be flowing for both of you, it should come natural.
Author brightskies Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Hi Jer, True, I would like things to flow naturally, but they way they're going, they're flowing a bit too fast. So, how to balance? I agree, we're in this together, but he seems to be chafing at the bit and is pushing for me to catch up. We've discussed "the pace of things," and he says that he sees my point, but he feels that because we've known each other for over a year now, that we don't need to hold back on anything. If he had his way, we would be living together as soon as he moves here.
jerbear Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I wonder what his sense of urgency is? It sounds like he wants to take the lead again and I sense that you feel you are losing your identity by moving to fast. Anyway, no matter what happens, it would upset the flow of things. Maybe you should have another chat with him and not hold thing back. In a non-threatening way, say how you feel about the speed of things. The other question is have you been enforcing the boundaries you have set?
Author brightskies Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 On his sense of urgency ... I'm not really sure, but when he initially made contact he jokingly said, "I had to move fast, you might've met someone else." I've also recently moved here and will be meeting many more people with similar interests in an intense environment. He and I do have similar interests and occupations, but we won't be in the same exact environment. He expressed some concerns about me meeting other men. Maybe it's a touch of territoriality? Although he has nothing to worry about: I don't want anyone else, and I do reassure him. I'm uncertain if this has any bearing on his urgency, but he regrets pushing me away before. He said in so many words that he wants us to be more seriously committed to each other and has asked about my future "plans," i.e. raising a family, etc. He's not one to mention these topics lightly. It could be his biological clock? My boundaries: I've been enforcing them, with varying success.
jerbear Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 On his sense of urgency ... I'm not really sure, but when he initially made contact he jokingly said, "I had to move fast, you might've met someone else." I've also recently moved here and will be meeting many more people with similar interests in an intense environment. He and I do have similar interests and occupations, but we won't be in the same exact environment. He expressed some concerns about me meeting other men. Maybe it's a touch of territoriality? Sounds like he is afraid of losing you by marking his territory. I don't remember the occupation but there are some occupations where the women are literally surrounded by an wolf pack. A little jealousy can be a good thing. Although he has nothing to worry about: I don't want anyone else, and I do reassure him. I'm uncertain if this has any bearing on his urgency, but he regrets pushing me away before. He said in so many words that he wants us to be more seriously committed to each other and has asked about my future "plans," i.e. raising a family, etc. He's not one to mention these topics lightly. It could be his biological clock? Could be. My boundaries: I've been enforcing them, with varying success. That is good that there are boundaries and you've been enforcing them. Well I would say have a chat on moving to fast and maybe suggest an action plan, like move-in first before getting a place together. You two keep the pots and pans instead of combining etc... It may help you alleviate your anxieties, slowly but surely.
Author brightskies Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Thanks for the suggestions. I have no plans to move in with him anytime soon. He still playfully hints now and again that he wants it to happen, the sooner the better, but he isn't pushing the issue. Although I'm really looking forward to him moving to this area in the fall so we can spend more time together. My occupation is definitely male-dominated, but that's just the way it is, nothing we can do about it. He's in the same field so he knows what it's like. He's a bit possessive but I think it's sweet that he doesn't like to "share." Have you lived with someone and did you find that it improved or worsened the relationship?
jerbear Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Have you lived with someone and did you find that it improved or worsened the relationship? I hate to share so for me it did both. For me it was about boundaries, either she "owns" or "I" own. If I goto her apt, I follow her rules, she comes to my apt; well you get it.
Author brightskies Posted August 24, 2008 Author Posted August 24, 2008 You don't like to share? Isn't that counter-intuitive to being in a relationship?
jerbear Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 You don't like to share? Isn't that counter-intuitive to being in a relationship? Here is an example: I don't mind sharing if it is our stuff after moving in or having our home. Before then, I do not like the idea of her changing the curtains, candles, repainting, changing the TP to scented TP, etc...
Recommended Posts