MissK Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Now, first of all I am not posting because there's anything wrong persay, but more because i'm feeling reflective and thoughtful as some events are drawing to a close in the near future. I thought at least if I could tell my story and maybe get some insight, I would understand where I stand and what to expect in the future a little better than I do now. Not a lot of people hear this - as not a lot of people really understand, be warned. I am wordy. Hi! I'm MissK and i'll be turning 22 very shortly. I met my guy (25) about 18 months ago randomly somewhere and we hit it off pretty well from the start. We have the same vested interests and more importantly we're on the same intellectual level which means that we have the wonderful ability to have intelligent conversation with eachother AND talk our problems through. Among other wonderful benefits. Now it started off as somewhat of a fling, we'd see eachother now and then (we lived in different cities) and hang out for a night, go to dinner or drive around and see stuff. He was flighty and never reliable and I never knew when he was going to turn up on my doorstep, but I was twenty years old and didn't really care as I wasn't looking for anything committed anyway. A couple of months down the line, however, as we got a little closer, I realised his excuses for why I couldn't get ahold of him over the phone, letter, whatever were a little bit fishy. I'm sure you can see where that's going. Long story short, I rode the gravy train a while to see where it would take me - I was getting my kicks and though I knew he was hiding something, I had absolutely NO proof as to what it was. Turns out my wonderful man was married with kids. I found this out because after six months of Mr.Man dropping hints to her, his wife finally twigged. So yeah, that was somewhat of a shock to my system as I was living in denial. I was hurt, felt betrayed and suddenly had to start dealing with the idea that the person I thought I knew wasn't really that person at all. A year down the line, we're still together. Turns out he married young because he got his gf knocked up and was pushed into it by her family. So he did the best he could think of and tried to raise his child in a proper family environment. Several years down the line, however, he realised he was married to someone that made him very, very unhappy and then I randomly dropped into his life and turned his whole world upside down. He's devoted to his children, however, and apparently didn't want to break up a dysfunctional marriage for their sake. (Instead, he just dropped hints and told people hoping it would get back to her, so that his wife would make the call and he could walk away a little more guilt free than if he'd asked for divorce himself. Coward.) So, he moved out and they've been separated for almost a year and i've still been seeing him on the grounds that he spills all the beans as to what the HELL went on for the months prior to their breakup. Of course, though I was completely naive to the whole shebang his wife HATES me. I guess that's understandable but I've been told that she would physically hurt me should she run into me face to face. This has me wondering about my own safety every time i'm in her neighbourhood. According to him, she wants to be divorced and done with and has no real issues with him - she just hates the fact that he's still with me and my very name is enough to send her into a rage. Aside from the fact I "stole" her husband, I'm thinner than her (she obviously had two kids), i'm younger than her and I have more freedom than her and can go out on a whim and do things that she couldn't do at my age. I think that when I meet her face to face those facts alone are only going to make things worse. Also, many mutual friends have been put under a "me" or "her" kind of ultimatum which has cut off some friendships for me (nothing major) and opened up the option for third parties to do "**** disturbing" by sending both me and her pictures, letters and spreading rumours that are just going to cause more trouble and drama in this "love triangle". For this reason i've cut contacts with all parties I feel are involved in this for the sake of my sanity, and my boyfriend has as well - but they still feed information to his wife in order to deliberately start ****. She's not as psycho as 90% of the ex-wives I read about, and my man says she'll settle down and get bored when she settles into a relationship with someone else, but i'm frankly kind of scared about the fact that I'm going to have to deal with this woman due to the simple fact that my boyfriend has kids with her. He's still wracked with guilt, but i'm doing my best to help him through it and also to make sure he sees his children on a regular basis. Now, divorce proceedings have been started, and will be completed in the next two or three months. I want to see the papers finally signed as that'll be a weight off my chest, but i'm worried about him. He tells me he's "been there, done that", lived with someone for years, had children with them and that he KNOWS the traits he's looking for in a partner. He's worried about me being impulsive and running off in a heartbeat and that i'm going to turn tail on him the minute he introduces me to his kids because.. hell.. I never wanted kids. Part of me is worried that he was so unhappy in his marriage that he was just using me as a means to an end and several years in the future he's going to realise that i'm not really what he's looking for anyway. Basically I'm worried about his reactions when the papers are signed and he's technically a 'free' man again. Whether the slow close to this divorce is going to make him consider what he lost and make him fight to get it back. Whether he's going to finally be able to be with me 100%, or whether he's going to realise that there's now so many more fish in the sea. I guess it all comes down to whether he thinks what we have is worth it and time will tell, but I can't help wondering what life is going to throw at us even if we fight to make it work. I also feel like I aged 15 years in the space of 9 months. It hurts me to know he still loves her in some way, and in some issues he'll take her side over mine. I've never gone through that before. Sigh. All in all i'm happy with my guy. I love him. I could probably settle down and marry him if he ever asked me years down the line. We have our problems, but we have our strengths as well, and part of me feels like if we really put our minds together we could do some really great things. But what goes through a guy's head when it comes to divorce? I'm making a gamble in hoping that he knows where his heart lies, and I guess he's worried about the same thing. Most of all, I guess i'm posting here to hear that someone, somewhere has at least gone through something similar because no one understands. No one my age gets it AT ALL, and most older adults just raise eyebrows and give me condescending glances. What we have is AMAZING, there are so many wonderful things that we have that most couples never find - am I really a fool for trying to make it work?
wildsoul Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Hi MissK, welcome to the group! That was a clear history. I'm wordy too, and can appreciate it when things are well-written. I can't answer your questions, "But what goes through a guy's head when it comes to divorce?," and "am I really a fool for trying to make it work?" but I can give you a sympathetic smile that encourages you to stick around a bit. I will add that I am not a parent, but I was a step parent during my last marriage. His 2 kids were your age. Seemed like an easy road. (I wasn't an OW in that situation.) We dated for 3 years before marriage. His kids loved me and before marriage even took me out to dinner one night to tell me just how happy they were that their dad found the perfect match. It was a best case scenario...that became a living hell. Maybe it's because I'm more of an Aunty type than a Mommy type. Maybe it's just that I have zero experience as a parent. Maybe it's just that family traumas and dramas are going to get activated in a remarriage situation, no matter what the circumstances. So much I don't know. I was miserable when my role went from Dad's fun girlfriend to them moving in with us and me having to turn into the diciplinarian. I don't think I could ever do the step parenting thing again. It was one of the main reasons why I left and asked for a divorce. How old are his kids?
bentnotbroken Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Your concerns about him should bother you and his about you. Look how things got started. You both displayed some character traits that make one wary.
Author MissK Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Your concerns about him should bother you and his about you. Look how things got started. You both displayed some character traits that make one wary. That is a really, really good point. And definitely something i'm going to have to sit down and think about. Thank you. --- Wildsoul: His kids are five and two. So they're still young.
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