24 Hour Slip, but It's a New Day

[wildsoul]

Trying to clear my head out with a cup of coffee and a confessional.

 

I broke NC with my xMM for a 24 hr period via email and text messages.

 

What happened and where did I go wrong? Let's see.

 

The safe, but slippery slope.

We had 5 days of electronic NC going (and a week since seeing him in person for a disaterous fight night.) I know some of your recommend not counting days, but since time during withdrawals is so SLOW, I need to count days. Longest 5 days ever. Desperately sad, but a few tiny breakthroughs here and there. Fragile but moving on.

 

The trip up.

I have an online presence personally and professionally. xMM decided to bait me by commenting a couple times on my blog. I deleted the comments and called a couple friends to pass time. Still, it was too compelling for me, and against my better judgement, I emailed him.

 

Tumbling down & landing with a thud.

• My first email was short and to the point telling him to stop commenting on my blog.
  
• He responds with wanting to rehash what happened on last week's disaterous night. (detailed in another thread I started.)
  
• I have this nagging need for closure from him, where I just want us both to end peacefully. It's a reasonable thing to want, but not a reasonable expectation based on how he's handled the break up so far. I still try to coerce it out of him, by asking him "How do you want this to end? Do you really want to look back in anger? or can we wrap this up with some kind of grace and kindness?"
  
• He chooses to give me what I wanted: a long well-considered email. It still contained some blame (if I didn't have guilt/fear, then our affair could've continued until he was divorced) and some taunts to inspire jealousy (there are plenty of women who want a strong man like me so much that they will accept less than a 100% arrangment.) <== Ugh.
  
• Still, I felt better. I got my closure letter and slept almost through the night for the first time since I broke up with him.
  

Tumbling more & skinning my already-injured knees.

• Now that I got him back in his heart for these closure talks (instead of his anger) he begins to send me a series of 9 love-sick emails. Some of them are long lists of what he misses about our romance. Some are him talking about the addictive nature of our passion, and how he will need a replacement OW. Some are him railing against the break up (how could we end something so great.)
  
• I responded to some. I wanted to reaffirm that it was OVER, yet wanted to keep that "loving but letting go" mood I so desperately crave. I didn't want to incite his anger again, yet was also feeling stuck because now I got him all wound up with love/longing again (not the love and letting go reaction I wanted.)
  
• The last email I sent was long and me explaining that I wish him well, and reminding him that I'm going away to go heal myself. Since he mentioned the addictive parts himself, and also said how he needs to get his fix from someone else, I decided to give him unasked for advice (co-dependant of me.) Told him that I'm going to sex/love addict meetings, sent him the link too, and said that I don't want another man as a fix, I want healing (hint, hint.) Then, I also suggested therapy for him and/or his wife.
  
• Later, he text messages me "I can't be alone." To which I respond, "That's part of your troubles." (Codependence again. I'm not his therapist, but trying to be, ugh.)
  
• Then I continue to receive a whole series of "I miss you" messages. I sent one "me too" reply, but then finally stopped. By this time, it was around 10pm and I was driving a long way home from dinner with a friend. I was imagining that if he were to say "I need to see you tonight" that I would say YES *shudders* and so I drove home to my lonely house, white-knuckling it all the way.
  

The view from this side of the hill.

I was relieved this morning that there were no more texts/emails from him. Clearly, I need to go back into NC. My attempt at getting the loving closure just got him going in his love addiction to me. His lovey-dovey emails just got my love addiction to him going again. Yet nothing has changed.

 

In fact, it's worse now (sobering reflection.)

1. It's on the table that he is not leaving his M now. Before, he was telling me they were in the separation process. But now? He's actually declared that he is not leaving at this time. (Duh. This is why I broke up with him in the first place!)
   
2. What he is offering is definitely a cheating on the side deal, which is something I don't want, but that also shows me he things cheating is a good solution. I can't be with a man that thinks that way. It would literally kill me.
   
3. He's already disclosed that he can't be alone and I've seen his personal ads. So now, I would be one of who-knows-how-many-others he is seeing. Perhaps I'm the big prize, but the idea of being his drug of choice while he's on a bender with others is really revolting.
   
4. If I should falter (and I can't promise I won't) and have a moment of weakness where I need to see him in person, it's just going to feel worse when I rip myself away again (which I can promise that I will) and that's going to hurt us both. It's also likely to enrage him more, because it will result in my breaking up with him yet again.
   

All these reasons why NOT to be with him. It's just crazy how the longings I have for the good parts are so strong that I'm even tempted. I am not proud of how hooked I am. Somehow, I need to just get back onto NC and try not to beat myself up too bad.

 

New Insight:

Emotional stability and keeping my depression at bay are key to preventing a relapse at this point. I need to start feeling better without him, than I imagine I will feel with him. Just for today, at least. Just for today.

[2sunny]

i'm really proud of you!

 

i understand your need to have that closure. in some ways you may never get it but you have he power in yourself to stay strong and look out for YOUR best interest in order to be happy.

 

he has offered what he is capable of giving. at least he is honest.

 

now you know where you stand. this is a great gift in itself. you have two choices: take it or leave it.

 

if you choose to leave him behind - stay very busy and distracted. that is about all i can offer to you except to stay strong and true to what will be to your best interest. sometimes you may have to do this five minutes at a time.

 

good luck sweetie... i know it must be hard - but you're doing a fine job!

[SnowWhite924]

Boy, do I understand why you sent those emails. But like you said, today is a New Day! Don't beat yourself up over those emails. It's done and you came up with a lot of clarity from it. Use that to your advantage.

Hang in there my friend. Start NC again.

[norajane]

• some taunts to inspire jealousy (there are plenty of women who want a strong man like me so much that they will accept less than a 100% arrangment.) <== Ugh.
  

 

• Some [of his emails] are him talking about ... how he will need a replacement OW.
  

 

In fact, it's worse now (sobering reflection.)

1. It's on the table that he is not leaving his M now. Before, he was telling me they were in the separation process. But now? He's actually declared that he is not leaving at this time.
   
2. What he is offering is definitely a cheating on the side deal, which is something I don't want, but that also shows me he things cheating is a good solution.
   
3. He's already disclosed that he can't be alone and I've seen his personal ads. So now, I would be one of who-knows-how-many-others he is seeing.
   

 

Yuck. How can you not be disgusted by him?

 

Whatever validation you have been getting by being in this relationship can't be worth having such a lousy little weasel in your life.

[bentnotbroken]

I would so forward what he sends to his wife. He is a walking, talking, lying sack of horse crap.:mad:He is so disgusting.

[SofiaLo]

Wow, I have been thinking of you all. Wondering if you were breaking NC or just feeling free of the angst for a while.

 

My daughter is here now and I'm focusing on being present for her.

 

Reading your post have me thinking of the ways HE has indicated He wants to end it and I have resisted.

 

I think you are at a breaking point.....continue the nc and He'll reveal more of himself and/or you will see the value of standing on your own, agreeing with yourself that yes you know what is good for you.......and for him too. If you go back, Who are you?

 

Do I make any sense?

 

I do know that I want you to keep posting. In your postings I see the image of myself I would like him to have of me.

[wildsoul]

Yuck. How can you not be disgusted by him?

 

Whatever validation you have been getting by being in this relationship can't be worth having such a lousy little weasel in your life.

The way he's revealed himself to be after the break up are disgusting. It's so contrary to the 6 months we were together. You would think that these revelations would serve as an instant cure, an amputation of all the good feelings and memories at once. Yet, much to my dismay, it's not been that easy.

 

Keep in mind that he was giving me everything I wanted while we were together, even though his "separation" was going slowly (before stopping) and that he was constantly making plans for our romantic future life. It was a dizzying high to come down from. I think I'm still in shock.

 

Even though I made my decision 3 weeks ago today, my emotions don't process so quickly. I've become very addicted to the love, sex, and romance that we had. Letting go isn't as easy as I think it should be, or as easy as I wish it was. That weakness in me is a source of shame on top of the hurt. I'm doing the best that I can, even though I'm not doing it perfectly.

[norajane]

I understand it's hard, but every time you start faltering, just remember that he told you he's going to need a replacement OW.

 

That, more than anything, should show you the role he has for you in his life.

[beautifullove]

you got some more answers. But what you should have said to him when he said he can't be alone is "But you have your W!" I'd like to know what his response would have been to that. Anyway, we all slip up, and that's ok, it's natural, it's part of the healing process, it's something you had to do. The more he exposes in wishy-washy attitude, the better you can feel about making the right decision.

[astra77]

• He chooses to give me what I wanted: a long well-considered email. It still contained some blame (if I didn't have guilt/fear, then our affair could've continued until he was divorced) and some taunts to inspire jealousy (there are plenty of women who want a strong man like me so much that they will accept less than a 100% arrangment.) <== Ugh.

A**HOLE - i'm just reading this now

[jj33]

WS although it feels like a slip you are doing great. This is a process. You are separating from someone who you thought was going to give you everything you wanted and would follow through on his word. The brain engages you hear the words but the meaning takes longer to digest sometimes.

 

But you are on a fast track. You got information last week during the big fight and you acted immediately with NC.

 

This week you didnt rise to the bait of those initial awful emails.

 

Your "slip" was only to try the loving route to closure - not to go back to him. And you got new and even better information disappointing as it is. Its better insofar as knowing the truth is always better.

 

You no longer want the same thing - he wants to keep his M and have you on the side you want a whole relationship with soneone who is not married.

 

The most important thing is you are clear. You may waver a bit in your communications with him but you are clear in what you want and what you will accept. It can be difficult to really be disgusted by someone we have been very close to and maybe that is not a bad thing, as at one time you did share something special. There are other ways of looking at it, pity perhaps or just a feeling that its disorienting that you see things so differently after thinking you were on the same page.

 

But as you say you arent going back. And that is the important thing. You dont want to buy what he is selling - the honored place as his drug of choice.

 

You could look at it and say its too bad hes chosen to go to another OW rather than facing his issues but on the other hand, if that is his choice, its great that there are other women out there that may want to fill that role, because it is not for you. And the sooner he realizes it the sooner he will (hopefully) leave you to your healing.

 

You are not responsible for the choices he makes in getting past the break up. In one of your earlier threads I think you talked about various lessons he may have learned from your relationship. It may take time for him to digest them as well. But thats his issue not yours. All you can do is look after you. He will come to his own truth in time and it may be a long way down the road but you have wished him well and the rest is up to him.

 

I know its difficult but you are doing great. Hang in there

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

A**HOLE - i'm just reading this now

 

TOTALLY! what an arrogant thing to say - makes my blood boil! Who does he think he is?!

[crystal_lostheart]

Keep that strength up WS. You don't need that rubbish. You deserve to put yourself first and have someone else put you first in the R. By the sounds of it, he is never going to do that....

 

Hugs.....

[wildsoul]

Thank you everyone!

 

I'm feeling alright today. Yesterday, I took some of my angst and channeled it into a longer than usual run/hike. That made me physically tired and I slept without waking up for the first time since I initiated this break up process 3 weeks ago.

 

xMM emailed twice and called once yesterday. I know the proper answer is to not answer the phone and filter his mail, but temptation got the better of me.

 

beautifullove, you used the term "wishy washy." I call it "toggling back and forth." But you can see where this is going. He started acknowleldging my viewpoints as valid and mirrored them back to me without prompting:

• He has been acknowledging my reasons for leaving.
  
• Explained that he wasn't as far along in his separation process as he thought when we met. He was really just testing the waters for dating, but then meeting me confirmed that yes, he did need to move towards a divorce.
  
• But then he realized his process is going to take at least 2 years because of finances and then felt stuck because he was already in love with me. Desperate to keep what he found, he was hoping I'd continue to be with him.
  
• He understands that I'm free (single) and why would I want to bother being in an affair and not having what I really want.
  
• He still thinks I'm the one for him, and even though it might take a long time for him to get out of his M, he hopes I'll consider him in the future.
  
• After I told him that I want and need NC with him so I can heal and move on, he said he understood and agreed.
  

I'm sure you're all ready to barf that I allowed for more closure discussion, but that's what I did. It may be total desperation on his part, but now he is saying he is in alignment with my original offer: We are ending it now; don't know what the future will hold; if we're both single later and it feels right, maybe we can reconnect. But my original offer was 3 weeks ago, before he showed me his horrible side.

 

In any case, the deal is that we need to break up. So nothing is different about that. I need to heal and sort out why I played loose with what has in the past always been an iron clad boundary. I've never dated someone who was even on a recent rebound, let alone still married and not fully free.

 

The most glaring issue for me is that I've been more needy than usual. Coming out of my M, trying to earn enough from my (self employed) business to pay a steep mortgage, having moved to an area a couple hours away from my friends: all these stressors have made me especially vulnerable. Plus, it's just so rare that I meet someone with the kind of chemistry we have. So when we got together, white hot, and him spilling over with his talk of us being soul mates and our future life (everything on my wish list) I fell for him and fell hard.

 

I wish like hell I'd stuck to what I said in an early email to him: "I can't be with someone who's married, even though you are starting your separation process. It will be far worse if we meet and there IS chemistry." Damn. I was right about that, but proceeded to let him talk me into meeting anyway. When it caught fire, our fate was sealed.

[jj33]

I think that is great actually. Regardless of his motives for seeing it your way or saying he is seeing it your way, I would think it makes it easier to move on. Even if in a million years you would never consider him in the future (having seen what you saw in the past 3 weeks). Its over for him too and having him move to a more gracious stance since he there is no way he is going to have you on his terms, at least you can be on go on knowing that he gets it (or says he does). And I am sure he does on some level.

 

I think you said you do business with him in some way or with his company, if that is right then having him take a more gracious stance is a good thing. Certainly better than the other mode.

 

We can all look back and say we know we shouldnt have but we did. The important thing is to learn from it and it sounds like you have.

[wildsoul]

I think you said you do business with him in some way or with his company, if that is right then having him take a more gracious stance is a good thing. Certainly better than the other mode.

Nah. I don't ever cross paths with him an any other context, business or personal. He's met some of my friends and family, but he isn't part of my circle.

 

The home he owns with his W is 2 hrs away. The room he rented is nearby, but that was when he was separating and he chose that location to be close to me. He hasn't said he stopped the rental, but I assume he has because of $ when his wife lost her job.

 

So really, I would only see him if he or I were making an effort to. Thank goodness. But I decided when I first started dating again not to date anyone in the small town I moved to. I had one semi-creepy experience with a guy I met online that made me realize that I did not want to deal with feeling uncomfortable going to the only cafe here, etc. *whew*

[jj33]

Even better. I dont know how you feel gettting the understanding emails but I still think its better. It doesnt change your stance (not what you want in a month of Sundays) but at least he is taking a kinder and gentler stance as you walk off into the sunshine. Maybe I am missing something but I dont see how having a more pleasant closure can ever be a bad thing. these are people we loved in some cases still do, being able to walk away feeling like there was some good at some time even if it didnt have a fairy tale ending is affirming I think. Even if the choice didnt turn out to be stellar, when you met him you thought he was separating you made a good choice based on the information you had at the time.

 

Is it "safer" to say I dont date men until the ink is dry. Sure I suppose it is. But you dont strike me as a person who plays it "safe" not that you are reckless but you seem like someone who in a grounded and reasonable way follows her heart and makes good informed choices.

 

This one didnt work out quite as well as it might have but it doesnt mean the choice was invalid at the time. And when he said he wasnt leaving you didnt compromise your values. These are all good things in my book - its just unfortunate that it hurts at the moment.

[astra77]

we can all look back and say we know we shouldnt have but we did. The important thing is to learn from it and it sounds like you have.

 

exactly

[Owl]

Wildsoul...I'm going to be BLUNT.

 

You're not in NC. You're not even close.

 

Everytime he sends an email...you read it.

 

Everytime he's called...you've answered.

 

All you're doing at this point is creating drama. You're creating stress for yourself and for him, but you're not ACCOMPLISHING anything with that stress.

 

When you decide you're going NC...its for LIFE. Its PERMANENT. It's not "until he contacts me again".

 

Put an end to this charade...or don't.

 

Its that simple.

[mytruelove]

first off, you are NOT weak, you are vulnerable....big difference to me. your heart is still open (GOOD NEWS after all you have been through because it would be so so easy to just close it off -heck, i'm tempted to do that myself.) i picture myself literally walking around with my chest open. In knowing this, simply love yourself MORE than you love others, put your needs first, and then there will be room for others. in loving yourself, protect yourself... still allow yourself to be vulnerable... but love yourself enough to protect yourself. if it doesn't feel good, don't do it.

 

you are healing and hurting all at the same time. take time to nurse your wounds. Do not be so hard on yourself. you've been beat up enough, no need to beat yourself up more. we all make mistakes. it is what we do with them that counts.

 

you know as i'm typing this....I'm saying all this to myself also and giving myself all the same advice so i hope it doesn't sound preachy, just what i'm telling myself right now.

 

have a good day sweetie.