Nice, but TOO nice??

[Sparky]

Hey everybody!

 

This maybe/may not be a new topic (probably isn't), but I need to ask this anyways...

 

Ladies, where do you draw the line for guys between being nice, and being TOO nice?

 

The reason for asking this is because I was at the bar tonight, and I asked a girl if she wanted to dance, and she said "You're a nice guy, but you're TOO nice."

 

On the way home, I told my friends that, and they said that she was right; I AM too nice.

 

To help explain this problem, I'll list some things that I hope will help...

 

- Before I dance with a girl, I ask them "Would you like to dance?" instead of just grinding or macking up against her (if there's a difference, lol).

- If I ask them if they want to dance and they say no, I walk away and don't ask again.

- If I ask them and they say that they're a lesbian, even though I saw them dancing with guys, I walk away and don't ask again.

- If I dance with them, I ask for their name, say mine, and maybe make a little small talk, like "you come with anyone?", "go to school around here?", etc.

- If I dance with them, I (usually) don't have my hands wandering on their ass or boobs, even if I want to.

- If I dance with them, I don't try to kiss them on the lips.

- If I ask them to dance, and they don't want to, I just think to myself "Their loss, not mine."

- While I'm dancing with a girl, and their girlfriend pulls them away from me, I let her be and don't try to dance with them both at the same time.

- When talking to girls (even when NOT at bars/clubs), I don't overly give them compliments.

- When talking to girls, I don't make sexual comments unless they bring it up.

- When with a girl friend (as opposed to guy friend), I don't touch them, even in respectable places, like the arm, hand, shouler, and waist.

- When with a girl friend (as opposed to guy friend), I give them lots of space.

 

Damn! What a list! After making that list, I THINK I could see that I might be too nice, but I'm not entirely sure. That's why I need opinions.

 

So what do you think? Nice? Or too nice? Why? And what I can do/should I be thinking in my head to stop being so nice?

 

Thanks!

[carhill]

Great way to have lots of female friends. Platonic ones

 

I laugh because that's how I was at your age. Very respectful.

 

Most of what you wrote is basic gentlemanly behavior. However, towards the end, you can make a few changes to indicate your interest.

 

1. Look at your lady in the eyes when you talk to her. Don't stare; rather, gaze. Practice that in the mirror.

 

2. Absolutely do touch her. If you like her and are attracted to her, that's how you communicate interest. Don't grope; just light innocent touches as accent to interaction. It's how humans connect. So, a few compliments and a few light touches never hurts.

 

3. Personal space is important. Good on ya for recognizing that. However, in the romantic arena, some invasion of that domain is expecting and desired. Learn to watch body language. If you're really open to the nuances, women will tell you a whole story without ever saying a word. You'll just feel it.

 

4. If you are out with one lady and spend significant time with her, either as a date or circumstantially, and find you have chemistry, don't hesitate to at least kiss her on the cheek when you embrace before you part company. It's a way of saying "thank you" and that you enjoyed her company and the attention she gave you. It's up to you as a man to lead here. Again light but firm. Show confidence in how you feel.

 

The ladies can likely give you better tips as to what they like, but I do know this approach works far better than what I did when younger..... oh, the horrors

[Sparky]

Thanks on the tips! I'm really anxious to hear what other people have to say as well.

[Lyssa]

I do not think you're TOO nice, just respectful - like Carhill stated, basic gentlemanly behaviour which is what every woman wants (well, maybe just me and my friends). But if you really like the lady, it would be nice for you to show a bit of affection .

[Ronni_W]

Also agree with Carhill -- the list you posted is polite, respectful (and grown-up!) behaviour.

 

Are you sure it's that kind of thing she and your friends were referring to when saying you are "too" nice?

 

Since the list is about dancing, I'd say no need to show too much affection during the 1st or 2nd -- by the 3rd dance, you'll both know that you share an interest...and can then start being a little more smiley-touchy-feely .

[Crow9726]

I, too, have been told that I am too nice.

 

I am not someone who is overtly lustful. I actually have manners and use them. I open car doors. I open ALL doors. I stand when a woman approaches me when I am sitting. I say please and thank you. I make and maintain eye contact. I do touch them casually. I do not touch them sexually. I do not bring up sex topics but will easily be brought into such a conversation. I do my best to treat all ladies with respect in both intimate and casual relationships.

 

I am not the proverbial "bad boy" who is emitting loads of pheromones and testosterone. I do not use and abuse women.

 

I recently experienced the end of a relationship due to being too nice. If any of her previous "bad boy" BF's had loved her even 25% as much as I do, she would have stayed with one of them even with the abuse. Instead, I had the chance to love her and treat her like a Queen for almost a year and a half, only to have her leave me. Not for another man...but because I wasn't demanding enough (and possibly by not being demeaning to her). My being nice is what attracted her to me in the first place, but I think she missed the drama and mysterious allure of someone who could be unapproachable and emotionally unavailable while treating her like a piece of meat.

 

I have more ladies that I am platonic friends with than I do men. I guess I will live the rest of my days in the inevitable "friend zone"...while hoping that I will meet someone who is appreciative and worthy of my style of love, romance and passion.

 

But I don't regret being the way I am. I like me...and even my reflection in the mirror doesn't give me reason to pause or question myself.

 

I am not a player and don't want to be.

 

But I have to admit that is sucks sometimes to see what some men can get away with...and to watch the throngs of ladies who are so caught up in their wake and will do almost anything to get their attention.

[carhill]

Guess we need to start a LS "good guy" reform school, where nice guys hone their otherwise desirable traits into attractive ones. I know I sure could have used such a school 25 years ago

 

The good news is you can still be all those things you admire in yourself, but communicate them to a woman in a way that causes her to admire them in you. Take a look at the list (very incomplete) I posted above. Note that you're not compromising your principles in any way and are still very respectful. The positive side of this is that, by approaching women you find attractive in ways which honor both your desires and respect for her, you'll send out signals which will attract the right woman into your life. The other women who lust after the bad boys won't be interested; make note of this. This is a good thing. You think it's not, but it really is. It's called compatibility, in this case incompatibility, and sending the right signals helps you avoid these people. They're not bad people, rather just not right for you, nor you for them. Acceptance

[norajane]

carhill has it right.

 

It's not that you're too nice, nor are all those other guys who lament that they're always friendzoned because they're nice. The problem is those so-called 'nice' guys give off very little sexual vibe. Meaning, you aren't FLIRTING. You don't tease and tempt and make a girl feel sexy around you.

 

You MUST learn to flirt! Flirt with everybody so it comes naturally when you're around a woman you fancy.

[Sparky]

carhill has it right.

 

It's not that you're too nice, nor are all those other guys who lament that they're always friendzoned because they're nice. The problem is those so-called 'nice' guys give off very little sexual vibe. Meaning, you aren't FLIRTING. You don't tease and tempt and make a girl feel sexy around you.

 

You MUST learn to flirt! Flirt with everybody so it comes naturally when you're around a woman you fancy.

 

That's what one of my friends told me. She said that being too nice can give off the signal that all you want to do is sleep with them.

 

She also mentioned that I very "in the box". She said she was the same way before she started living on her own. She was too nice and she never learned stuff about herself. She ALSO suggested that I get out more (which I couldn't agree more, )

 

So if I hit the girl, would she have danced with me? J/K

[nopainnogain]

Nice screen name. Are you an electrician?

 

anywho,read the book "no more mr. nice guy" by glover

[carhill]

The problem is those so-called 'nice' guys give off very little sexual vibe. Meaning, you aren't FLIRTING. You don't tease and tempt and make a girl feel sexy around you.

 

I have discovered of late that, even absent active flirting, giving off a sexual vibe in body language and expressions can be nearly as potent. The problem begins when such happens while one is married. Oopsie

 

OP, when your mindset changes (I don't know how exactly to explain it, but it's something I feel), you'll find women will see you completely differently. This will happen even before actions/words occur. It will be like your "presence" changes. Just be glad you figured this out at 20-something instead of as an old fart like me

[Sparky]

Nice screen name. Are you an electrician?

 

No. It's just the name I was brought up with in high school. I got so used to being called by that name that I wouldn't respond to my real name.

 

OP, when your mindset changes (I don't know how exactly to explain it, but it's something I feel), you'll find women will see you completely differently. This will happen even before actions/words occur. It will be like your "presence" changes. Just be glad you figured this out at 20-something instead of as an old fart like me

 

OP??

 

That's what I've noticed before, and that's taken me a while too, but you're right. It's better to know this stuff now than later.

[Ronni_W]

, even absent active flirting, giving off a sexual vibe in body language and expressions can be nearly as potent.

Er...those are the BIGGEST elements to master, if one has aspirations to be a sophisticated flirter. (In my day, I could hook a guy from 200 paces because of body language and expression...and have been hooked by guys with similar skills, from similar distance .)

So, Sparky, if you have aspirations in that direction...a whole lot of it is about non-verbal communication.

 

PS - How you doing over there, Carhill? Hope all is going swimmingly.

[carhill]

OP??

 

OP= Original post or original poster

 

PS - How you doing over there, Carhill? Hope all is going swimmingly.

 

Ha Ha, you jest It's 102 and the swimming pool is still an empty hole. Yeah, rub it in Closest I get to cool today is pressure washing the patio.

 

Looks like next weekend is going to be wife and three of her girlfriends. If I survive, I'll let you know how the "vibe" went.

 

OP, my best guess, based on my own experiences, is that women don't really change in regards to what they respond to. All I've seen is that, once you focus the essence of who you are, it appeals to a certain subset of the female population and they respond to it and you. Hope it works out

[Sparky]

Thanks carhill! I guess being an aspiring lady's man I guess I can't make EVERY woman I want to have simliar feelings based on my approach?

[carhill]

The important thing is sending out the right vibes to attract the right woman for you. Practice makes perfect

[Sparky]

The important thing is sending out the right vibes to attract the right woman for you. Practice makes perfect

 

And patience... Yeah, you're right. Guess I'm too anxious.

[Explorer]

Hey Sparky,

 

I have a friends who sounds a LOT like you. He's a good-looking nice guy with a great career but cannot seem to find a female. We have came to the conclusion that he has trouble ATTRACTING a female.

 

Part of it is that he tries too hard. He's the type who'll read a book on how to attract a female and follow it word by word. And once demonstrated on a female, it comes off as unattractive and unnatural.

 

Once he let things go, became more relaxed, and EMBRACED his weaknesses, sending the attraction signal became more easier.

 

Hope some of this helps

[nopainnogain]

Whats the middle ground of being too nice vs. being a prick:confused:

[carhill]

You can't control what other people think of you. Be true to yourself, your moral center and what you believe to be your truth. The chips will fall where they will.

[You'reasian]

Reconsider your stomping grounds...

 

Some dance clubs are all about the guys just coming up and grinding without any contact, usually the harder clubs. If you are here, than this is the wrong kind of club for you considering what you've said...

 

Others encourage more social interaction, but they are usually lounges. Others encourage more friendly physical contact - say country & western clubs or latin dance clubs - beacuse they are more social dance oriented.

[Sparky]

Thanks everyone! This really helps!

[monkey00]

I think the particular scenario you mentioned only applies to the clubbing scene, that you're too nice. A night like that isn't enough to speak loudly about how your true personality is when it comes to women and confidence.

[Sparky]

I think the particular scenario you mentioned only applies to the clubbing scene, that you're too nice. A night like that isn't enough to speak loudly about how your true personality is when it comes to women and confidence.

 

After this response and asking others of opinions, I now know that I'm too nice. I'm no different anywhere else.

[CommitmentPhobe]

Dude, some bint you don't know told you that you were too nice and you took it to heart. Why? She doesn't even know you.

 

Maybe she had a boyfriend

Maybe she didn't want to dance

 

etc. etc.

 

 

Maybe that was just her way of rejecting you. What makes you think you did anything wrong and that she knows best?