Where should I go from here?

[VAmama]

So here's a quick run down on my situation: Been dating a great guy for just shy of two years. Never been so completely in love in my life, with absolutly no doubts; we're compatable on every level (values, goals, beliefs, humor, lifestyle, backgrounds, physical). I have a young son (6) from a previous relationship that my guy was just great with, and and my child adored him. For the first 1.5 years of our relationship, everything is fabulous- I really think this is it, he's the one. Then out of the blue, my guy tells me that he is having serious issues seeing a future together b/c of my son; he is struggling with the thought of that responsability. We almost break-up, but I convince him to stay.... and he wants to, b/c he knows he'll be miserable without me. But it blindsides me, b/c my bf's actions towards my son don't align with his words; my bf has always seemed to enjoy hanging out with my son. I am at lost for what to do, and just hope time changes his feelings.

 

The following six months, we continue on, take lots of vacations (including one with my son and my bf's entire family)though some tension is building. My bf is having issues with my son's behavior (pickiness over food, whining) and questions some of my discipline, and this cause some tension for me, for my bf, and my son. Everything else though is great.

 

Three weeks ago, after my son showed some disrespect toward my bf (ignored him when he as talking to him), and afterward, I confessed to my bf that I was scared that each time my son acted up around, that he might leave. My bf told me he is still struggling with the idea of our future b/c of my son, but he loves me and can't imagine not being with me. Between this talk and the prior one, he keeps asking me what we should do about the situation.

 

This past Saturday night, we get on the topic of my son again, and within an hour, we break up. It was all very sudden and rash; my boyfriend had brought his overnight bag with him, and we were watching the Olympic and bantering back and forth, talking about upcoming plans, and the conversation eventually got around to my son. Prior to this, my son had misbehaved and I handled it poorly, in part, b/c I felt so nervous that my bf would think I was being to soft on my son. Anyways, in a nutshell, my boyfriend tells me he does not like my son, thinks my child is spoiled and too emotional, and the thought of us all living together makes him feel ill. He also tells me he feels he has worked very hard to get to the point he is at his life and he wants to enjoy it and not have to work around my commitments to my son. We go back and forth over it... my boyfriend admitting he loves me, would do anything he could not to feel the way he does, and doubts he may ever find someone again as truly compatable as we are together. He tells me part of the reason he loves me so much and respects me is b/c I am a single parent and the traits that experience has given me. Yet.... he's willing to settle for a lesser partner. It doesn't get overly dramatic, in part b/c I was in total shock as I realize he's sounding very firm in his convictions. In the end, he comes over, hold me, kisses me, I cry just a bit, nothing too bad, and then he gets up, gets his bag, and leaves. Before he leaves, he tells me he wishes he could give me what I want.

 

Since then, I have been in NC with him, and he has not contacted me either. I am fighting it hard, b/c half the time I just want to share something silly with him, but I don't want to mess up anything at the moment by looking desperate. One of the things he loves about me is how strong I am, so I don't want to lose that respect, or my dignity. But I don't know... is he waiting for me to call him to show him I want him? I keep telling myself right now what he needs is space to think about us, what he did, to suffer doubts.... to miss me.... and that I need to fight my female nature, but I doubt. He hasn't changed his relationship status on myspace (neither have I), but I did see today that he added some pics of him and his guy friend to his myspace page from a time prior to when we were dating.

 

Most of his friends in the area have left in the past year, so he does not have much of a social outlet. It was primarily me. However, he plays poker quite a bit, reads, works on some other projects, so I know he has ways to fill his time. I just keep hoping the NC will make him miss me... and make him feel worse than he feels about his issues regarding my son. He wants to be able to enjoy the position he is at this point in his life, but how can he enjoy it if there is no one to share in his triumphs and joys with him? He likes things nice and tidy and neat, but relationships are never nice and tidy, and neat, especially as we get older (we have more baggage). I always felt he thought my "baggage" , ie, my son, wasn't all that bad in his eyes since I am since a calm, even kneel, rational type of gal on the same page with him in ever respect. His family loved me and my son and wanted us to be a part of their family one day.

 

I fear though..... he has had so many guy friends go through break-ups this past year; two friends had their marriages end over the wives affairs', one got out of a 10 year relationship, and several other acquantainces are getting divorced as well. I keep thinking he will look to these guys as inspiration that he can work through our break-up despite his emotions, and move on.

 

Despite the NC, I do not worry that he's not thinking about me and missing me. I know he is. I want to be back with him and work on his issues regarding my son. I just don't know what the right next steps should be? In the meantime, I have allowed myself the week to mope, cry, scream, and just generally get out my feelings. Tomorrow, I start getting active again; I have found some social groups to join, and have joined a football and soccer league too (not to mention all my Mommy duties too!).

 

I don't want to pin my hopes on my ex coming back, but it's hard not too at this point. I think what we have is worth fighting for, and that my bf is just having some fears. In every single one of the serious relationships I've been in during my life, every single one of them has eventually tried to re-united with me within a few months (even in the couple break-ups where I was the angry, ranting, psycho gf). So I wonder if this time will be any different and I just need to be patient, or if it will be the exception to the rule. And, eventually here, I do need to get back in touch with him; he has my bike, tennis racket, lots of cooking utensils, etc. I also need to give him back his house keys... I don't know when or how to go about doing that.

 

Any thoughts, suggestions? Is there hope for this situation?

[tikigods]

you seem to be very focused on you and what YOU want, and what happens if your boyfriend and whatnot, but what about your son? He is the one you really need to be focused on, and it seems to me that you are more about your boyfriend and does he like your son and whatnot, more then does your son like your boyfriend...or is your boyfriend the right guy to have around him

[VAmama]

Thanks TikiG- My son just absolutley adores my boyfriend, so that's not an issue. My son is usually shy and quiet around most people, but when he met my bf, there was an instant commadarie. My boyfriend seemed to love him too; always wanted to know what we were up to on weekends, etc., and if he could participate. He made sure to attend soccer, tball, etc., purchased all sorts of show tickets for him, has paid for my son to go on vacations with us, and was extremely generous to him over xmas. He never complained about the time I had to spend with my son, and use to be very understanding of my obligations to him. Just last month we were tossing my son back in forth in the pool like a football (my son loved it!) and we were laughing..... when we went down to the lake a few weeks ago, my bf took it on his own initiative to get into the lake and play football with him for about 1/2 hour. He always asks about my son, and seems to want his best interests.

 

As for whether or not my bf is the right person for my son.... at the moment, probably no. I know he's been less tolerant of my son in general since we came back from vacation last month (shows impatience when he thinks my son is acting spoiled or is crying). It's caused tension for me, and for my son probably too. Please don't think that's not something I haven't thought about. I guess I am understand of my bf's feelings b/c sometimes I feel that way too about my son, but I have a mother's love that makes me more patience and tolerant of it (and that's something my bf has noted; it's easier for me b/c I have to be tolerant of it). What confuses me is.... what changed? Why did my son do to stop bothering him? If it's a behavior issue, and it's legit, it's something I can modify. One of the times when we were discussing my son, my bf said he wasn't sure where his expectations should be over my son's behaviors, so I sent him some links about 6 year olds, and my bf noted that it seemed my son is where he should be behaviorly at the moment.

 

My son is generally so well behaved.... I always get compliments on his use of manners, etc. He was the perfect boy last month when we spend the week on a houseboat with my bf's family... even more so than another boy the similar age that was with us. He was so easy to take care of.... why can't my bf see that now? He use to. He use to tell me he loved my son too....

 

Sorry if I'm rambling; I've gotten like zero amount of sleep this past week; like no more than 3-4 hours a night. I can't shut my mind off. It kind of scares me that I might do something dumb b/c I'm so sleep deprived..... But please keep asking me the questions. Most of my family and friends are out of town, so I have had no one to talk too and see if I'm looking at things objectively.

[VAmama]

Slept at my folks' last night. Finally slept for more than 3 hours at a time. I went over to talk to my Dad, then helped him out landscaping and ended up crashing. It just felt so good to be somewhere that I felt secure and loved. My house seems too full of memories of my relationship right now....

 

I so want to call my bf, but am fighting the urge hard. Its be 1 week N/C. I wonder why he hasn't called me, but just hope it's out of respect for me. I'm sure he knows how much he has hurt me. It makes me wonder then if he is waiting for me to contact him first then...

 

I am thinking straighter, but my emotions are still all over the place. I still am holding out hope, and am fighting my urge to be proactive to try to fix this issue. At the same time, I am angry that my bf basically threw away me and my son.... a family who would have loved and him and done anything for him, so he could go out, be free to do what he wants when he wants, and enjoy his toys. Its so materialistic and selfish. At the end of the day it's not the things we possess that matter, but the people we get to share life with. I hope he grows up and realizes the mistake he made.

 

Trying to keep busy- went hiking yesterday before going to see my Dad. Today.... probably go run and then I need to take my Dad to the airport. After that... I see a local pub is showing Spaceballs tonight, so may check that out. And tomorrow my son is back from his father's. :-)

 

I know my ex is missing me... I know he's looking at myspace page. I so want to contact him, just to say hi, let him know I'm here hurting with him too, but I don't know what it would accomplish. I also keep thinking maybe I should drop a line to his Mom... we were close.... just to see if she can give me some insight into what's going on with my bf, but keep rejecting the idea b/c I'm afraid it may come off manipulative. If I contact anyone, it should be bf first.

 

Anyways, just writing out my thoughts for the day so I can get moving on with my day.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi VAmama, that's a tough situation.

 

I'd recommend you NOT reach out to your BF. If he loves you and is thinking of you, then surely he will pick up the phone if and when he changes his mind.

 

For now he's been really clear that your son is a dealbreaker. Fair or not, that is his decision and choice.

 

As someone who dated a single father for over a year, I had to spend some time thinking about whether I wanted to take on a step-parenting role. As much as I liked his 6-year old daughter, my affection for her was not (yet) at the same deep unconditional level as a parent's love. She is a great kid, but my patience wore thin at times and I thought he overindulged her (divorced dad guilt).

 

It's not a small thing to take on someone else's child and for whatever set of reasons, good or bad, your BF does not seem to want to take this on wtih your son - EVEN IF he enjoyed time spent with him. Heck, I love my nephews and niece to pieces but would still have some hesitation about raising them full-time.

 

I'm sorry. It sucks. But again, don't reach out to him. He knows how to find you.

[VAmama]

Thanks sunshine girl.... I appreciate the insight from the other side. I do respect that this is his decision and choice, but it's still hard for me to understand? Why go almost two years and invest so much energy and time to do this? While I appreciate and respect anyone who gets involved w/ a single parent, since it can be such a sacrifice, I have got to think you would expect some level of impatience at times. My ex also thought my son was overindulged, but I think it more had to be with my son being an only child than being overindulged. For instance.... my son would often interrupt a conversation my ex and I would have at dinner. Not b/c he was being disrespectful, but b/c on our nights alone, my son and I would engage in conversation (b/c on top of everything else I had to do, that is often the only time I have to have some quality time with him), so he was accustomed to being a part of a conversation.

 

I do so appreciate everything he has done for my son. The fact he did all he did.... I had no expectation of it, and the fact he did it out of the goodness of his heart made me love him that much more. That's why this is so difficult to process in my head and heart.... The actions don't seem to support the words.

 

I don't get the logic he provided either... he's frustrated I can't do more with him b/c of my obligations to my son (like a last minute happy hour with his co-workers). Does it make sense to be totally alone, or settle for a lesser compatble partner (which he doesn't want either) just b/c I can't meet his every need every moment of the day? My reasoning right now is heck, if it isn't my son, then it's going to be some other chick with some other problem- insecurity, disloyalty, parental issues, financial issues, gold-digger, etc.

 

I'm just so hurt today. What people who date single parents don't realize is a) how hard it is to be a single parent, so cut us some slack sometimes, and b) our children are half of us, an extension of me, and all of our heart. You may say you are rejecting the child, but from my persepctive, a rejection of my child is me, of my heart.

 

At least I'm getting angry about it now.... it somewhat better than just totally being numb.

 

It sounds from your email that you're no longer with the single dad? Or did you leave and come back? I just want to try to understand the other side more....

[VAmama]

I had posted a new pic on my myspace this morning, b/c I didn't like my original one. When I logged in, I saw my ex had a new profile pic as well (ironically, one I took not even 2 months ago).

 

I clicked onto his page and I saw he changed his relationship status from a relationship to single. After 8 days! And before I've had a chance to go get my things from him, or talk to him one last time to get closure...... he broke it off so suddenly..... Not only that, he went ahead and ranked his friends? Where am I? On the very bottom, the last... even behind Tom. I'm not even as important as Tom. That hurt. We've only been broken up 8 days.

 

I of course, did the same on my page, and cancelled my update subscriptions. I also removed all picture of our time together on my album page.

 

My heart feels like it's breaking in two. This is going to be real. There is no hope for reconcilation. He is not doubting himself apparently. He is moving on. I had such hope......

 

So I called and just left him quick message. Said I was sorry I hadn't called in the past week to arrange to get my things, but that I had needed time to regroup and focus. Told him that obviously b/c of my constraints due to my son it would be difficult for me to get my stuff, but that perhaps I could get my things from him Labor Day weekend. I wished him well, and told him I had been thinking of him.

 

I want to cry, but I'm too numb now. I want to scream, but my chest feels to constricted. I want someone to hug me, but I got no one to call on to come over for the moment. I hurt so bad....