Cheri Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Basically ive been having an affair w/a married man who is now divorced since 12/31. i am still married but for only one reason, my mother-in-law resides w/us and is terminal w/stage 3 lung cancer, so i will stay in the marriage until she passes on. (I know there is no excuse for an affair. I always told myself an affair was wrong. But i had been going through major problems w/my husband, financial, his bad choice of friends (drug addicts) and perscription drugs additions. The affair began 7 years ago and is/was still going on. He had a messy divorce cost him alot - i dont think he has alot of faith in "marriage". I always thought of him as a great guy, good work ethic, loving father, loves his mom, kind/considerate to me he even leant me $5000.00 when hubby got me in a financial jam, etc... We are usually kissy kissy at work and get together once a week and have these "fantasy dates" i'll call them, he cooks - wine - bubble baths - walks on the beaches - a womans dream man - and amazing sex. I even have a dresser of stuff there he also washes all my things. (The guy seems perfect) I always thought of our relationship as "mature").We never fight. His wife and him used to have cursed out fights. But i guess i always wanted him to say the "love" word. To say something about the future. Everything in the relationship appeared great was great at the moment - in the moment. Well we couldnt get together last week, the kids, his friends bday etc... i was dissapointed i guess. So i said simply - theres 7 days in a week. He said - what do u want me to do - i told him "maybe we should take a break". At first i couldnt believe i said that so simply, but now i realize i just want to move forward, its been a long long time and dont i deserve to be able to see him when i want to? Sometimes i think im scheduled in like an appointment. I feel hes getting the best of me. But if he loved me wouldnt he want me all the time? Or is it because of the divorce? He does drink alot, although not to consumption around me. But i believe that was a problem in the marriage he had. What im asking assistance for is 1) after 7 years together, and him being now going on 9 months divorced - will he commit or at least lets have the talk about the future? 2) does he love me, or could a man have an affair w/7 years and not love her? 3) will he ever want us to come out of the closet - we dont go out in public - (but im still married) ? and by me sayin to him "maybe we should take a break" what will he interpret that as? This week we were all business at work. I think hes waiting for me to apoligize. But i dont think i said anything wrong, did I? I guess i just think after all this time, im looking for a future. I just want to know if there is light at the end of this tunnel. Thank you
vonerik012 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 I won't even comment on how depressing and wrong your actions are... but In an affair like that, EVERYTHING is perfect because you see each other once a week, just for sex. Don't even go out in public. That does not translate into a real relationship.
LionLover Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 This is really sad. And why the hell is this topic in the "dating" section...try the adultery section! Wth?
Walk Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 by me sayin to him "maybe we should take a break" what will he interpret that as? This week we were all business at work. I think hes waiting for me to apoligize. But i dont think i said anything wrong, did I? I guess i just think after all this time, im looking for a future. I just want to know if there is light at the end of this tunnel. Its actually a very simple answer... you can't move forward while you're still married. What you said wasn't wrong, why you said it was. You aren't looking to get out of the affair, or cut ties with him. So the only result of your "lets take a break" is to attempt to hurt him for cancelling on you. Take a look at the bigger picture. Its been 7 years and your affair has been in its dead end cycle the entire time. You aren't going to leave your husband after his mother dies because you'll feel it's not the right time (he'll be grieving, it would be too hard on him, etc). You could've left your husband 7 years ago, but you chose not too. I think you'll always have a new excuse for why its not a good time. Have you though about talking to a counselor about everything going on in your life? I think you could really benefit from it, and it would help you attain what you really want in life.
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 will he commit or at least lets have the talk about the future? Why should he? You're still married. He needs to think of himself first - Not what your future plans. Sorry, but planning out your life with someone else when you're still married is just pointless. ANYTHING could happen, I mean, what if your MIL lives for another year or so? What if your husband gets ill, or you get ill. IF you plan on leaving your marriage, do it for the right reasons, reguardless if your OM is there or not.
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