Chasing

[dvsxx6]

Hey all,

I'm a 21 year old female and I am usually the chaser. I would have several guys approach me when I go out, but for some reason, I would always feel the need to talk to them first, only cause I feel that most girls are naturally shy and I want to stand out from the rest. The thing is, I want to stop chasing, but I don't want to feel like another girl in the crowd, who waits for the guy to talk to her, etc. I thought guys like girls with confidence? I noticed that I got more positive feedback when I didn't approach the guys. I guess they're not used to girls making casual/flirty conversation? I'm always open to changing for the better, but not changing my personality entirely. Just minor changes here and there in terms of finding the kind of guy that I want. I start my next semester of college again soon and I don't want to come off as too interested or strong when I meet guys. I'm very feminine but I usually go after what I want.. I don't like to feel like I'm missing out on something good [if I'm interested in a guy]. I'm wondering, is this intimidating to guys? I want to learn how to be "old fashioned" hehe cause I am classy but I also like to get what I want

;-)

 

Please help! Guys.. what do you think?

[fral945]

It's ok to be the initiator, as long as you don't come off as overbearing. I personally don't like that, and I can't imagine many men that do. Some are old fashioned and intimidated by strong women. I tend not to like either extreme, very aggressive or very passive women, though if I had to choose I'd take passive over aggressive any day.

 

Personally, I don't mind a woman who goes after what she wants but I'm very turned off by very aggressive women. I find that as relationship material they tend to be overbearing and controlling (just a generalization, not saying you are).

 

I think your best bet is to try to find a middle ground, be outgoing and show interest but don't be over the top. Let the guys do some work. If they are the aggressive type be a bit more passive. If he's aggressive he won't be shy about letting you know he's interested. If he's not interested he won't show it, and it's unlikely anything you say or do would change his mind.

 

If they are shy and more passive then be more of the initiator. By being a bit more aggressive with the shy guys you're more likely to get them to open up to you, because they may be intimidated by you and scared to approach you in the first place. It may take a bit more work to find out if they are interested. Though don't overdo it, as I think most men (shy or not) do not care for very aggressive women.

[zicke]

The reason it goes better when a man initiates is because he has clear interest in you, hence, him making the initial move. When a man does not make the initial move, he has no clear interest in you. He might be on the fence, or maybe just not that interested, and if you make the move, well, of course he is going to be flattered...but, he didn't find something interesting about you enough to muss up the courage to actually make the first move...hence, the not going as well when you make the first move.

 

IMO--I never approach men, if they are interested enough, they will talk to me at one point, if they aren't they won't make that move.

 

This has been my experience. And, just as an aside, I have made the first move when I was younger. Wild horses couldn't make me do it now.

[rstratt2]

Here's my take. Your average American male 20 something is a bit of a wus. Exhibit A: look at the majority of the questions posted on this forum. As a group we tend to be very worried about getting our ego's bruised, so the vast majority of us won't approach a women without alcohol coursing through our veins.

 

So the good news for you being a "chaser" (if that's your nature) can be a very positive thing. You will have access to a much larger group of men including these delicate id's and over-thinkers. Is this a good thing? I don't know. You may view these particular traits as unatractive and worthy of disqualification from your prospect list. You'll have to figure that out.

 

Being outgoing and putting people at ease is a fantastic trait to have. The disadvantage is many times it offers the counterpart in the relationship a free pass. People tend to take the ability to have a relationship (and I mean just an interaction) with you for granted. They never have to risk anything so therefore the reward of your company is not as great.

 

Stupid animals aren't we? So here's my advice. Be who you are. If you're outgoing, if you like people, enjoy it. You'll have a much more fulfilling life with many more friends and the opportunity for many more experiences. At the same time because you will be interacting with many interesting people you need to have a clear idea of what you are looking for in a relationship. Otherwise you will find redeeming qualities in too many people that you will undoubtedly waste your time.

 

hmmm... never done this before. That was pretty fun.

[dvsxx6]

Personally, I don't mind a woman who goes after what she wants but I'm very turned off by very aggressive women. I find that as relationship material they tend to be overbearing and controlling (just a generalization, not saying you are).

I'm not extremely aggressive, but I make it known that I want to get to know them better. I am a lil' controlling I'd say only because right now I'm getting impatient. lol. I think I just want someone to love, I've been out of a relationship for so long but I've been dating for the past 2 years. I'm just sick of dating and want something solid. If I see something I want, I'm gona go after it. I really need to not pursue. I think when a guy calls, I get really happy and then try to hold onto the person. Then I end up getting sick of them or they get sick of me and then sht hits the fan and then whatever we had ends up turning out to be a fling.

I think your best bet is to try to find a middle ground, be outgoing and show interest but don't be over the top. Let the guys do some work. If they are the aggressive type be a bit more passive. If he's aggressive he won't be shy about letting you know he's interested. If he's not interested he won't show it, and it's unlikely anything you say or do would change his mind.

I really don't want to be over the top but I think I may appear that way. I don't know how to find a middle ground, but I guess it'll just take some practice. Show that I'm friendly but at the same time, don't always be asking them questions and seem too interested. I think that's my problem. I always seem too interested in everyone. I just want to be neutral and not seen as trying too hard. I just really want a relationship now. I know that lately, well for the past 2 months, no opportunity has arose so I feel a little desperate even though I really have no reason to feel that way..

If they are shy and more passive then be more of the initiator. By being a bit more aggressive with the shy guys you're more likely to get them to open up to you, because they may be intimidated by you and scared to approach you in the first place. It may take a bit more work to find out if they are interested. Though don't overdo it, as I think most men (shy or not) do not care for very aggressive women.

 

I think I'm gona just try to be myself, friendly and bubbly but just not seem too interested.. ? Guys don't like when the girl is easily accessible [hehe, in more ways than one lol] which is how I've made myself lately.. Blah. I know that once this school sem starts I'll meet more guys and people in general. I think you're right though, the word 'overbearing' may be how I come off as, and I may not even realize it.. I'm really glad you mentioned that though cause I'm always trying to do self assessments but I totally did not even think of it in that way.. thank you I just wana be myself, and not be too interested. I think what I'm worried about is that they won't be interested in me (which, logically I know is untrue). Or I need some form of a control cause I'm a lil' insecure.

[dvsxx6]

Here's my take. Your average American male 20 something is a bit of a wus. Exhibit A: look at the majority of the questions posted on this forum. As a group we tend to be very worried about getting our ego's bruised, so the vast majority of us won't approach a women without alcohol coursing through our veins.

For some reason, I find it reaaally bizzare that guys are afraid of getting their egos' bruised, or anything to do with being hurt. Yes, I've hurt guys in the past, but I'm thinking more like guys that I guess Im interested in? It's just hard for me to fathom that almost all guys are worried or afraid of rejection cause I don't usually see or hear about that side [of course hehe]. The guys that I've hurt weren't my type [physically, no, ambition-wise and sucess wise, yes. but I'm no gold digger lol] so I always thought the other types of guys out there just had it all together, emotions and all.

So the good news for you being a "chaser" (if that's your nature) can be a very positive thing. You will have access to a much larger group of men including these delicate id's and over-thinkers. Is this a good thing? I don't know. You may view these particular traits as unatractive and worthy of disqualification from your prospect list. You'll have to figure that out.

You're right, over-thinkers aren't really a turn-on to me. I'm quite an over-thinker myself and I think there's only room for 1 over-thinker in the relationship. If there are 2, then there's a whole lot of thinking and a whole lotta nothing that'll get done. Lol well actually, no, I like a guy who is rational and who can think outside of the box, etc [i'm a psych major] but I duno, it really depends on the extent to how much he thinks [excessively of couse lol].

 

I really don't want to change who I am to please a guy, but I'm willing to make some minor adjustments so that I will be better able to have that guy that I really want. I think that women that are less outgoing as I am are seen as 'classier' [i have a lot of class, but I do enjoy talking to a bunch of people]. I want to have a balance of being classy and sophisticated [which I associate with talking less] on one hand and being friendly and not too interested in the guy, and basically just hanging out and having fun on the other. I think I still need practice, even though I thought I had it all down in the past, lol. I certainly had no problem getting guys that's for sure. But I think I'm just evolving and am trying a different strategy just 'cause. I swear, you men are so confusing sometimes! But then again, women are just as bad, if not even more confusing! lol.

Being outgoing and putting people at ease is a fantastic trait to have. The disadvantage is many times it offers the counterpart in the relationship a free pass. People tend to take the ability to have a relationship (and I mean just an interaction) with you for granted. They never have to risk anything so therefore the reward of your company is not as great.

I've noticed that some people do take my company for granted. I don't know what to do cause they know that I'll always be there for them. I always wondered how to be more mysterious and a lil elusive just so that people will always wonder "what is she up to?" just so that they didn't take me for granted or always know what I'm doing. It makes things interesting that way. And I really hope you don't think that's being shady, cause that's not my intention. I think the people who take me for granted are really shady and it just sucks.

 

Otherwise you will find redeeming qualities in too many people that you will undoubtedly waste your time.

Yep, and I don't want to waste any more time. I know that I've just got to be patient though. I seriously have just met the wrong types of guys and when I'm around the hot/ambitious/successful guys that I like, I get reaally nervous.. I don't know why cause they get nervous around me. Ugg I don't wana be nervous around them! LoL I know that alcohol of course helps me loosen up a lil so it's not that bad, but I don't always wana be drinkin around the guy that I'm interested in! Any suggestions?

hmmm... never done this before. That was pretty fun.

LoL glad you had fun, you give really good advice. Thank you and I really appreciate your feedback. You're pretty good at this stuff!

[JohnnyBlaze]

You know what? Good for you! If you find someone you want, go for him. Why wait around and risk it not happening, just for the sake of protocol? Even if you are a little insecure (as you said), something like this shows the complete opposite; it shows that you're very confident in yourself, and that in itself is a huge turn-on.

 

Admittedly, Fral had a big point there: to a lot of guys, it is a turn-off. Of course, it's for the reason that RST mentioned: lots of guys are wusses with fail egos, especially ones in their early 20's (which, I'm assuming is the age range you're hitting on). Guys at that age have just really started to get it in their heads that they're not boys anymore; they're men. They've got all these rights and responsibilities now, and for a girl to come up and hit on them, it is almost like you're taking away part of their right as the male. It sounds stupid, but then again, so does the logic of the average late teen/early 20 year old male.

 

Of course, when you get a little older and start going for late 20's/early 30's, that'll change. We don't think "oh no! She's trying to be the man". We're thinking "wow! Here's a hot chick, who doesn't have to do anything more than bat her eyelashes to get attention, and here she is putting herself on the line because she thinks I'M hot". This, compounded with the perceived confidence factor, is enough to put any confident guy over the top.

 

The ones who get threatened because you did a "man's job" probably aren't the ones you want to be with anyway, are they?

 

I guess it'll just take some practice.

Feel free to practice on me.

[dvsxx6]

You know what? Good for you! If you find someone you want, go for him. Why wait around and risk it not happening, just for the sake of protocol? Even if you are a little insecure (as you said), something like this shows the complete opposite; it shows that you're very confident in yourself, and that in itself is a huge turn-on.

I think more often than not whenever I do approach the guy we do have a conversation, we get to know each other here and there, etc but then I may open up a lil' too much at first, just cause I have this tendency of "laying a lot of my cards on the table" just to have a sense of closeness. I think that's one of my problems. But the good news is, I haven't done that in a while and I'm getting better at not being too~too revealing. I agree that I am very confident in myself but when it comes to guys I do get a little shy. But I'm not a shy person?! Just guys kind of intimidate me Sometimes. It really depends on the environment and the amount of people we're around.

Admittedly, Fral had a big point there: to a lot of guys, it is a turn-off. Of course, it's for the reason that RST mentioned: lots of guys are wusses with fail egos, especially ones in their early 20's (which, I'm assuming is the age range you're hitting on). Guys at that age have just really started to get it in their heads that they're not boys anymore; they're men. They've got all these rights and responsibilities now, and for a girl to come up and hit on them, it is almost like you're taking away part of their right as the male. It sounds stupid, but then again, so does the logic of the average late teen/early 20 year old male.

It doesn't sound stupid at all! I think I know what you're talking about! A good example would be a year ago, I was seeing several guys [casually dating and they were doing the same] and they would take me out to dinner and being the way that I am, I offered to pay or pay for my meal, etc [even though it was a date, lol that's just how I am] so anyway, I noticed that they just kept insisting and looked a lil' mad like 'wtf? why are you doing this?' kind of thing. I later figured out and was told by my girl~friend that it's a "guy or manly thing" to pay and take the girl out. It was a little insulting to them that I wouldn't just let them take me out and pay. So then I realized OHHHHHHH thatt's why several of them looked kinda like ??? lol. I duno? Nobody tells me these kinds of unspoken rules, but then again I've been dating for how long now.. LOL. Obviously I'm going with the flow, but the wrong kind of flow.. lol.

Of course, when you get a little older and start going for late 20's/early 30's, that'll change. We don't think "oh no! She's trying to be the man". We're thinking "wow! Here's a hot chick, who doesn't have to do anything more than bat her eyelashes to get attention, and here she is putting herself on the line because she thinks I'M hot". This, compounded with the perceived confidence factor, is enough to put any confident guy over the top.

LoL @ trying to be the man. I totally hope I wasn't coming off that way to these guys! Like I said, when I want something, I get it and I work for it. But I don't want to work for it if the guy thinks I'm coming off as overbearing cause I don't want to be seen in that way at all!

 

I think my problem too is that I go for the older men.. I've dated a couple of guys that were 28 and I was/am 21. I couldn't relate to them sometimes cause now I'm gona graduate fr college soon and they have been outa college for several years and already have established successful careers, which showed me that we were at very different stages in our lives. I think that I need to find guys a couple of years older than me.. Not go all out and go with the older guys..

The ones who get threatened because you did a "man's job" probably aren't the ones you want to be with anyway, are they?

No way.. I need to leave those kinds of guys alone, lol.

 

Feel free to practice on me.

Hahaha..

[dvsxx6]

The reason it goes better when a man initiates is because he has clear interest in you, hence, him making the initial move. When a man does not make the initial move, he has no clear interest in you. He might be on the fence, or maybe just not that interested, and if you make the move, well, of course he is going to be flattered...but, he didn't find something interesting about you enough to muss up the courage to actually make the first move...hence, the not going as well when you make the first move.

I'm the type that doesn't like to play games so I really don't like to guess if he is/isn't interested. I just want everything laid out and they just tell me cause sometimes feelings can be misinterpreted. That's why I am usually straight forward with what I want.. but I want to be a lil 'more elusive in a non~shady way [only so that I prevent myself from being taken advantage of, and seen as vulnerable].

IMO--I never approach men, if they are interested enough, they will talk to me at one point, if they aren't they won't make that move.

What a great point! I mean, it is simple and pretty common sense, but I always thought there were other underlying issues such as they are too shy or they think I have a bf, etc.

This has been my experience. And, just as an aside, I have made the first move when I was younger. Wild horses couldn't make me do it now.

I think that your strategy of letting the guy make the move is a lot better than the woman making the move. Now that I think about it, it kind of should be the guys' responsibility [is that expecting too much from the guy? no, okay well depending on the circumstance/situation] to talk to a girl if he's interested.

 

Thanks for your response Zicke!

[dvsxx6]

Thank you all who have replied so far! Great feedback and I hope there is more to come! :-)

[fral945]

I think that your strategy of letting the guy make the move is a lot better than the woman making the move. Now that I think about it, it kind of should be the guys' responsibility [is that expecting too much from the guy? no, okay well depending on the circumstance/situation] to talk to a girl if he's interested.

 

I'd take that advice with a grain of salt. I'm 28 and when I was 21 I was much more shy.

 

I remember one night in college I was out with a group of friends which included this one girl I had a major crush on. I (conveniently) ended up alone with her later because there was a party where a bunch of guys were smoking dope and she didn't want to be there, so I walked her home. The whole time, I just couldn't bring myself to let her know I was interested (even though I was a little buzzed, lol). I think the main reasons were I lacked confidence and feared rejection. Like one of the other posters said, I was a wuss.

 

The moral of the story is that at the age you are the outgoing, more aggressive types will show interest almost 100% of the time if they are interested. If they don't you are wasting your time pursuing them. It's the shy, less aggressive one that may or may not, mainly for the reasons I mentioned above. It will take more work to get them to open up, you just have to decide if you want to put the effort into it.

[dvsxx6]

I'd take that advice with a grain of salt. I'm 28 and when I was 21 I was much more shy.

 

I remember one night in college I was out with a group of friends which included this one girl I had a major crush on. I (conveniently) ended up alone with her later because there was a party where a bunch of guys were smoking dope and she didn't want to be there, so I walked her home. The whole time, I just couldn't bring myself to let her know I was interested (even though I was a little buzzed, lol). I think the main reasons were I lacked confidence and feared rejection. Like one of the other posters said, I was a wuss.

 

The moral of the story is that at the age you are the outgoing, more aggressive types will show interest almost 100% of the time if they are interested. If they don't you are wasting your time pursuing them. It's the shy, less aggressive one that may or may not, mainly for the reasons I mentioned above. It will take more work to get them to open up, you just have to decide if you want to put the effort into it.

 

You're right. Some guys are afraid of rejection and I've just got to decide who is worth the effort. That in itself is taking a risk, which I'm not afraid of. The hard part of knowing who is worth the effort depends on my ability to see flaws in the person. I tend to become oblivious to peoples' flaws when I find them attractive, like them or am interested in them. I give guys the benefit of the doubt most of the time. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. So for me, in terms of finding a guy, my 'shady/or bad match for a mate' radar is turned off. I'm learning to become more aware that there can be guys who are hot but that's all there is to it, nothing else, lol. Or just not good for me, in general.

 

The bottom line is that I've just got to still be my bubbly and outgoing self it's just that I'm going to let the guys talk to me more. I'm not 'missing out' if I don't talk to the guy [but sometimes when I did talk to the guy, I was happy that I did]. It's a 50/50 thing. Hopefully if they're interested, they'll ask for my number. But.. like you mentioned above, some guys are afraid of rejection so they won't ask me for my number.. [and that's why I'd ask them if they want to hang out and then I get their number]. I'm going to stop doin that though.

 

I have toned down my personality a lil when I met guys or just people in general [in the past 2 nites], [not that I'm being obnoxious or overbearing], and I feel that it has been goin great. I have just let the guy do most of the talking at first. And it seems to be working out. I can still be myself but just let the guy do more of the talking, it's simple. And I'm being more subtly flirtatious [i'd be a lil' quieter, I'm touchy but not too touchy, lol which, I think is sexier] not really flirtatious like how I used to be [overly touchy and I'd joke around a lot.. too much I think? lol. etc].

 

Anyway, thanks for always giving me your advice Fral945!

[fral945]

 

Anyway, thanks for always giving me your advice Fral945!

 

No problem. You seem pretty sharp for a 20 yr old. You'll do fine. I just wish I knew all the stuff I told you when I was 20.

[dvsxx6]

No problem. You seem pretty sharp for a 20 yr old. You'll do fine. I just wish I knew all the stuff I told you when I was 20.

 

 

Ah, I've been through a lot at my young age, so I've really learned a lot in a short time. And btw, I'm 21, gona be 22 LoL [yeah, like those 2 years make a huuge difference ,I know] LOL but it kinda does a lil bit. I am able to legally drink and gamble. hehe

[LionLover]

The ones who get threatened because you did a "man's job" probably aren't the ones you want to be with anyway, are they?

 

Interesting point.

 

Perhaps we should be dating men who are older, that might be the middle ground.

 

The moral of the story is that at the age you are the outgoing, more aggressive types will show interest almost 100% of the time if they are interested. If they don't you are wasting your time pursuing them. It's the shy, less aggressive one that may or may not, mainly for the reasons I mentioned above. It will take more work to get them to open up, you just have to decide if you want to put the effort into it.

 

This is a good point too..