Xillow Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I've been dating this girl for almost 2 and a half years now. We love each other, and for the most part have had very few major problems. We rarely fight and when we do, its usually about stupid things. Well... that's the way things were up to about 2 weeks ago. For the duration of our entire relationship she has been having crushes on a lot of people. She hasn't acted on any of these crushes, beyond being friendly with them, because she values her relationship with me more than any one crush. She's told her older, more experienced friends about her attraction to other people, in which she was always advised not to let a crush ruin her relationship. She was usually told something to the extent of, "even though it may seem more exciting to pursue a crush now, the excitement will always eventually go away". It seems as though every crush that comes and goes makes her realize more and more that she's not ready for a serious relationship. And here's where things get complicated. She's told me many times that she wishes she met me later in life, because I'm "husband material". She doesn't want to let me go, and obviously I don't want to lose her either. 5 days ago, crying in uncertainty and fear, she suggested we take a break. Knowing that that's what she needed, and our relationship would otherwise be doomed , I agreed. Well, being on break was a lot harder than i anticipated. I lasted about a day and a half without talking to her before i called. It turned out things were going better than she expected them to. Although she admitted she didn't have a lot of free time between work and friends to think about me/us. I let her know i was having trouble with it. To be honest i forget exactly how we got from here to the next part of my story, but its relatively unimportant. Things got really stressful for both of us, and she ended up talking to her mom. Her mom told her that she had dated a "truckload" of people at one time. Although, "dating" in her moms old school Asian culture didn't even include kissing. It was something my I had, my mom had, and now her mom had, all at some point in time hinted at - an open relationship. I was excited she had become open to the idea. Well, more than open to the idea. Basically right after she talked to her mom she called me and now we are in an open relationship. I thought this would solve our issues. We could, but more importantly, she could, now pursue her crushes. We set limits on the dating of other people, basically no touching of fun bits, because the only real purpose of that is to lead into sex, which neither of us wanted. Well, here's where things get even more complicated. She's had a crush on this stoner since well before we started dating. She admits that she would never be interested in having a serious relationship with him, but yet, still has a crush on him. They have been friends for a long time, and saw each other occasionally along with one of her best friends, they were a trio of sorts. They started seeing each other frequently, usually going to the town drugdealers house because there's always a party going on there. well, they kissed, which i was surprisingly 100% okay with, because we had agreed that it was allowed. The fact that she said her crush also kinda went away afterwards also made me feel relieved. After they kissed she said she regretted it and started acting uncomfortable around him. She also told me, that she told him, "I'm just using you", and he responded, "It's better than nothing". Well, I thought there was a ray of hope. I thought she was over him, and maybe things could go back to normal for awhile. She pursued a crush and got over him, right? Wrong! the next night when we talked on the phone i found out she was seeing him again the next day, today. I refer to them as dates now, but she naivly thinks otherwise. Well, I had a hard time dealing with it, and things weren't so cheerful in our chat that night. When we talked again this morning, she said it felt like we were on break again. I tried to explain how i felt we were beyond that, and we have a plan to accomodate her need to experience other people. We talked for well over an hour about things, and i realized she doesnt even know what she wants. She can't express in words or understand in her mind how she is feeling, or what she wants to do. Thats a scary thing for me, because i'm the type of person who will logically go through a situation over and over again until i have a list of solutions. Well, I can't do that when even she doesn't know what she wants. I feel like we reached a level of comfort before the end of the conversation. Although things were not solved, we were content with our situation again. Dare i say i even turned the conversation cheerful. I was fine with the idea she was seeing him again today. She told me she would call when she got home. she was supposed to do something around 3, she said she would be home for dinner, it is now 6. No phone call yet. well, i got must the important stuff written here, but at the same time I still have alot more to say. So, if you're tired of my story i'll ask some questions now, if you want to get a better idea of everything thats happened, read on. Should I flat out break-up with her and end this constant battle of emotions? Maybe we would reconnect later when she was ready? Should we just take a break for awhile? I read some other threads on this forum and have seen many successful break stories. but if i do go on break should i stop all communications? i feel like that would just split us apart even more. Should i basically leave it up to her and see if things get better? I can't control her feelings. But i can respect and support whatever she thinks is best for her. Kinda like putting myself in the guillotine and waiting for her to drop the blade or let me live. oh, kinda important stuff im forgetting to mention. Im 19, shes turning 19 in 11 days. I go to uconn, she goes to NYU. we visit each other alot during school via bus. roughly a 5 hours ride. $50 round trip. the previous info isnt a reason to break up, its just to give an idea of how much we're willing to go through for each other. I go back to school before her, and shes planning on visiting for 4 or 5 days before her school starts. She believes that if we make it to school then things will be ok. Reasons for that, we havnt had sex in awhile, i know sex isnt something to base a relationship off, but it helps! we dont get to see each other much, i live about 25 minutes away from her, so a solid 4-5 days together would mean alot. We don't fight when we are together. it's weird, but things are almost never bad when we are in person. This will also give us a break from this recently constant issue of breaking up. Well, I partially agree that spending time together at school will help, but at the same time i'm pessimistic about it because i don't want to let my guard down. I don't even know if we will make it another week. The date shes on right now could change her mind about everything. She might have already decided to break up and i don't even know yet. Now I'm just really anxious to hear from her. If shes really going home for dinner then i should hear from her soon. And it sucks not being able to call her because i know it would be a huge mistake. I'll end this message now in order to stop myself from rambling about how i'm feeling. but in short, not good. Thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope at least it wasn't boring.
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