heirloomyoga Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Okay - here goes. I am a happily married woman of 10 years (been together 15) and we have 2 gorgeous children together. My husband works a typical 9-5 and I am home during the day with our 2 young ones while working several evenings a week to bring in some extra income. My best "mommy friend" has been a guy that has a similar situation - his wife works the 9-5 while he works evenings. We became friends through our kids and we have spent a lot of time together the last 6 months. Too much time. I started feeling attracted to him a couple months ago, but have been able to keep it in check, telling myself it would just go away eventually. I in no way want to hurt my relationship with my husband and would never cheat on him. I was doing fine until yesterday. Yesterday, he asks me what I would think if he told me that he thinks about me alot. I immediately told him that it wouldn't be a good thing, and I was very sorry. He fished a little (looking for me to tell him I felt the same way), and I told him that there were 6 beautiful people that would get very hurt if anything were to happen and me saying anything back to him wasn't going to help our situation. He told me that he would never cross the line, but it's just been something that he's been struggling with. I am having SUCH a hard time with this. I am so pissed that he said anything - he should have just kept his mouth shut. While I still feel as though I can keep this in check, I am thinking about him more than ever. It's not healthy at all, but I am struggling with the thoughts. Again, I trust that I will not act on them, and am planning on telling him that we can't discuss this any further, and if the discussion continues I will obviously tell him that we have to cut off all contact. BUT - do I tell my husband?????? I thought this morning I should, we have always been honest with each other. But then I started thinking - would I want to know if the roles were reversed? I honestly don't think I would want to know. If nothing happened, and nothing is going to happen - what good is telling him? It would hurt him severely, it would hurt my daughter's relationship with her best friend, and it would be uncomfortable in social situations (we belong to several of the same local civic clubs and such). My head is in a tizzy - please help!
Rorocher Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I wouldn't say anything, why create an issue where there is none?. It's a crush, it's understandable because it's new and different from what you've always known, couples do get those sometimes, but my guess is that if you do nothing to fuel it, it'll burn out eventually. In my opinion, telling your husband is going to open a can of worms that's better left closed.
mark982 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 why are you putting yourself in this position? "best mommy friend", all your doing is playing with fire. I'd end this "friendship", before something that you both regret happens.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Don't tell your husband, and pull way back on the "friendship". That's what I'd do.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 BUT - do I tell my husband?????? I thought this morning I should, we have always been honest with each other. But then I started thinking - would I want to know if the roles were reversed? I honestly don't think I would want to know. If nothing happened, and nothing is going to happen - what good is telling him? It would hurt him severely, it would hurt my daughter's relationship with her best friend, and it would be uncomfortable in social situations (we belong to several of the same local civic clubs and such). My head is in a tizzy - please help! I wonder if you're being honest with yourself here. If your H had a co-worker that he had a crush on, and that co-worker confided in him that she had the same feelings - you wouldn't want to know? Your spouse is leaning out over the edge of the abyss, your marriage in very real danger, that's not a challenge that you wouldn't want to face together? Also, you missing an opportunity to work on those issues that put you at risk in the first place. People that have good relationships on all levels - sexually, emotionally and intellectually - don't develop crushes on their male "mommy friends". You're getting a wake-up call... Mr. Lucky
Walk Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 I tried putting myself in your shoes, and I believe I would tell my husband. Even if it hurt him like hell, and even if we had to bail out of group gatherings and stuff... I'd tell him. My reasons are this: 1. I know that once those feelings start they're hard as hell to beat back down without stopping all contact with the person. 2. Stopping all contact without giving a plausible reason will make my H suspicious and probably jump to worse conclusions. 3. There's power in numbers. My H is my partner, through good or bad. Its my responsibility to tell him so "we" can fix it. We're stronger as a team. 4. Its a fast acting antidote to being infatuated with another person. When you have to fess up to it, it loses a lot of its appeal. 5. Sets a precednence for how you expect your husband to act. Its never a good idea to hide something potentially (even if its only a minute potential) marriage wreaking from you partner. My reasons for not wanting to tell him would be: 1. Causing him pain. (25%) 2. Fear and guilt. (75%)
rstratt2 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 wow, sounds like my family 20 years ago. Walk away now. Otherwise some of those 6 people will get incredibly f'd up. Oh, by the way no need to tell your husband. You created the situation, you can fix it (no male "mommy friends" that's bs).
Gunny376 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Put the work relationship on "ice" and get your mind on the job, and your mind on your job! Even if you had an EA or and PA with this guy? It would still be just fantasy, and you've less than a 10% chance of it working out between the two of you. Fanstay seldom matches up to reality! Reality is "Mr Reality" waiting around the corner with a Louiville Slugger saying "Come on up here! I've got something for your Happy Azz! Clue! Threesomes, foursomes, group-sex,orgies ~ DON'T WORK!
carhill Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 OP, what will H think when this man and his children disappear from your life without explanation? Will you lie (make up a story about their lack of presence)? I ask because you said you met through your children, so I presume the children are friends/classmates and you all have shared activities together. Do you tell your H? Hmm...perhaps not the nuances of your feelings, rather the gist of the dynamic, most pointedly that you were spending too much time with this man and his kids and felt it was inappropriate. Then, work on building your intimacy level with your H, perhaps including dialing back your lifestyle for more together time.
Author heirloomyoga Posted August 16, 2008 Author Posted August 16, 2008 I told him last night. I feel SOOOOOOO much better. I have the most amazing husband in the world. After he was assured that nothing happened and nothing will happen, he said that he felt as though crushes are normal, and as long as you don't act on them and are honest with one another, there is no problem. He actually said that he felt sorry for the other guy and hopes that he gets through it okay. He's priceless. And I feel so much closer to him. I just wish we had more quality time together. He is my best friend, but I feel as though sometimes we are just 2 ships passing in the night. Our small ones are INCREDIBLY high-energy kids, and with him working during the day, me at night and practically no help from family to watch the kids so we can be together, it's just really really tough. I know when the kids are in school in a couple years, and I can go back to work during the day, things will be completely different - but 3 years seems so far away. I miss him now.
carhill Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Now would be the time to share the kids high energy with some willing family members and make (that means pro-actively choose) to place your M above your jobs for a few days. Take time and space for yourselves. Turn off the cell phone. Try it IMO, it's when people focus on everything but their M that the M deteriorates and such issues as you just faced intrude. BTW, once your kids start school, a whole new host of distractions will begin. They're called "activities"
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