Ingenue Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I was reading an article here about how more couples are breaking up over email. Call me old fashioned but I don't ever think it's appropriate to email or text message dump a partner that you've been with for a substantial amount of time unless you believe your own life to be in danger as a result of the breakup. Having been on the receiving end on an edump, I'll tell you that it's a rather unpleasant and wholly disheartening process to have to go through. It really does make you re-evaluate the relationship and the person who chose to end it by emailing you. I'd much rather have the face-to-face or as close to face-to-face breakup. I wonder whether edumping is going to become the norm or whether it's simply the current method employed by individuals (exceptions noted of course) who just have no conscience or consideration for their soon-to-be-ex partners. I have a friend who jokes about getting "date references" from all of her potential boyfriends' ex girlfriends. While it may sound like an interview, it does have its merits. Could you imagine if we all had to provide date references, individuals might be less likely to do the edump and actually be forced to think about the other person's feelings when the relationship ends.
Touche Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Well my mother and I just e-dumped each other. Looks like she's not going on our Thanksgiving cruise with us.
gennamoon Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I will never forget the Sex and the City episode where Carrie got dumped on a post it note...now that's horrible... Oh and when I got dumped three weeks ago, my ex did text me to tell me that we needed to talk...however, he did request that we meet face to face because he wanted to talk to me in person...unfortunately, me being shell shocked, went out and got drunk (which I never ever do) so the face to face was really unproductive...stupid me...
sunshinegirl Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 OMG getting references - what a fantastic idea. Can you imagine if we had to provide 3 ex-SO references to the new person we want to start dating? If I had had a chance to talk to Eric's ex-wife before getting involved with him, I would have saved myself a whole barrel full of heartache - because I would have walked away.
mscomplex Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I think if I ever got an e-dump/text dump, I would try not to even acknowledge it. Most people's reactions are to pick up the phone after something like that to say "are you kidding? is this a joke?" That is so tacky. I would do the total opposite of that and hopefully throw him for a loop! One of my co-workers got an e-mail from one brother to tell her another brother had passed. E-mail can be the best (convenient) but also the worse at the same time.
D-Jam Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I think it's cowardly and terrible. I remember one girl who basically ended it with me over a text (we only dated for a few months). I tried to call to talk to her about it all, but she wouldn't pick up. She tried to do the "let's just be friends" thing, but I declined, and she turned into a whiny little brat...calling me immature. I told her for a 28 year old woman, she's the one who was sneaking around with her best guy friend behind my back, claiming how we're not exclusive, so it's all good...and then has the audacity to end things with me over TEXT when I was willing to talk things out rationally over voice and would have walked away fine. Anytime I've ended it...I did it over voice or in person. Again, I don't fear conflict that I need to find the easiest way to hide.
sao2 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Personally I feel that if you break up with someone, regardless of the reason, it is your OBLIGATION to do whatever it takes to emphasize the finality of it. That includes doing the dumping in the most personal and unambiguous way possible. If in person is not feasible then phone. The phone is always feasible.
ioncebelieved Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 The E-dump is the most cowardly way as it beats out a note or the phone!! I am sure some weak, disrespectful and coward will use this one for sure because it just takes too much integrity to me grown about getting out of a R!! I got the phone call from 360 miles away and that was plenty enough cowardness for me!!
Author Ingenue Posted August 16, 2008 Author Posted August 16, 2008 Personally I feel that if you break up with someone, regardless of the reason, it is your OBLIGATION to do whatever it takes to emphasize the finality of it. That includes doing the dumping in the most personal and unambiguous way possible. If in person is not feasible then phone. The phone is always feasible. Let's play devil's advocate here and entertain the argument that some dumpers might say that the only way they can emphasize the finality of the break up is through email. They are only articulate through email and are afraid that a face-to-face breakup would result in them becoming blubbering idiots. By using email, they're ensuring that their thoughts are clear and concise and that is more important than providing a personal breakup. Personally, I agree with the personal approach to break ups. As hard as doing it in person is, you owe it to your soon to be ex partner. If you could swap spit and share memories and desires, you certainly ought to be able to put aside your own selfishness for the sake of being a considerate human being. I got the phone call from 360 miles away and that was plenty enough cowardness for me!! At least you got the phone call. After 5 years together, all I received was an email. I will say at least it wasn't over a post-it note. That would have been especially cold.
sao2 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 I understand that argument, I just don't think it holds water. An email leaves no room for discussion, no room for questions. Unfortunately for those that don't feel able to do a break-up face to face, that discussion has to be a dialog. It can not be a monologue. If you can not do the break up in person then the person being dumped has no real way of being sure that there was nothing that could be done. Breakup by monologue is too easy to misinterpret over time. The dumpee could easily wind up with too many "what if's". Truly, the only thing I ask of anyone who dumps me is make it clear beyond any reasonable doubt. Make sure that I understand there is no going back and nothing that I could have done. That includes giving me the chance to ask for clarification.
brotherbe1985 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Honestly, it`s a terrible thing to do to someone, it`s harsh, it doesn`t allow any questions to be answered and you`re leaving the person in a terrible state with no way for them to solve any issues. But if it`s to break up with someone for revenger well that sounds like fun. Although it`s a cowardly thing to do, I do see it as a way of the future I hate to say. The internets the future, and more and more kids these days are using the internet to have fun, rather than getting outside and getting some excersize and fresh air. The younger generation will fear face to face conversations and won`t be able to make eye contact as they don`t get much of a social life besides internet chat. Even on camera chat lines it still doesn`t share the same effect as talking to someone in person. Well that`s my opinion, please hit me up on this.
Author Ingenue Posted August 16, 2008 Author Posted August 16, 2008 But what about those emails that do leave room for discussion? I'll use my edumping experience as an example. My ex email dumped me when I was at work. I read the email during lunch break and it was, needless to say, a most unpleasant rest of the day. I was shell shocked and his email was ambiguous at times. Naturally I wanted to ask questions. I wanted to find out more. What had caused this. His email did nothing to clarify those questions in my mind. When I got home, I emailed him because I needed those questions that had been in my mind all afternoon, answered. He responded and skirted around the issue saying it was "neither of our faults" and that he didn't want to introduce those negative ideas into the discussion. So in some senses, he was doing an email dialogue (an unsatisfactory one at that). But he didn't leave it as a single email dump. There was a follow-up email. He offered a phone call. I declined it and I suspect that the only reason he offered it was because in my initial response email to him, I chewed him out saying how disrespectful he was that he did this over email. So if a party is willing to have an email dump dialogue, does it make it a more acceptable form of breakup? Or is the email dump (with or without dialogue) just unacceptable period?
sunshinegirl Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 I have not been dumped via email. However, I do think we in general are becoming far too reliant on electronic media for communication. For example, in my first relationship we were long distance and relied on email for all of our heavy discussions. It was a very bad dynamic in that we never talked about the hard stuff on the phone, let alone in person, face to face. We reserved it all for the computer screen. In retrospect, it was cowardly. Did I somehow imagine that we would do all of our arguing within a marriage via email? I instituted a rule from then on that difficult topics were NOT to be addressed or otherwise discussed over email - phone or in person only. That has worked fairly well. Still, though, my current ex and I relied on text messaging much more than I think we should have. Instead of just calling each other (and we were on each others' speed dial for cripe's sake so it was one button to push) we would actually spend the time to tap out a text message. I think it was another form of avoidance, somehow. That and it was never actually very fun to talk to my ex on the phone. He's not a phone person (not a communication person in general), and I hated the awkwardness of our calls. Basically I am becoming a bigger and bigger fan of live communication over everything else when it comes to romantic relationships. I think you're asking for trouble and misunderstanding if you rely in any major way on the impersonal medium of emails and texts. It's almost to the point where I think it may be a sign of deeper problems in the relationship if you are spending most of your communication energy using those media.
0hpenelope Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Hah! My ex dumped me via e-mail. "You're not The One." Classy, eh?
Art_Critic Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I think there are times that email dumping is okay... If your relationship was born online is only a few months old and communication for the most part is done thru email or text messaging except when you are together then I think an email dumping is okay.. If the relationship is more than a few months old and wasn't born online then email dumping is cold and calculated.. Remember... Before email people were dumping by letter... there isn't a difference really.. I personally have always finished things face to face and the women that have dumped me have done it face to face as well..
Chinook Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I've been dumped by email. Not a pleasant way to end things at all. As has been said, it leaves a lot of unanswered questions and makes moving on a lot more difficult. It's cowardly because it allows the dumper to avoid the emotional meltdown the dumpee is likely to experience, especially if it's completely unexpected. That said, I do think the argument of clarity holds some water in certain situations. But that kind of dumping is only as painless and clear as the person writing it. Very little thought goes into the other person's feelings and instead concentration is placed on just getting the point across. So it turns out to be quite selfish in the end.
tinke Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Without a doubt, e-mail dumping is cowardly, selfish, and very cruel, followed secondly by phone dumping. It doesn't speak highly of the dumper, and it is truly an avoidance tactic. The one thing it DOES do, is help to get over the insensitive, thoughtless individual. It measures how they would handle conflict, discomfort in the relationship...THEM FIRST!
Capricciosa Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 There are people who are obsessive or highly emotional and angry that it is best to dump at a distance. And sometimes it is not open for interpretation or discussion.
Angel1111 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I did it once to a guy but it was because I had tried twice to talk to him about things that were bothering me and both times he put me off or dodged the issue. Also, he lived long-distance and, based on his behavior over several months, I didn't get the impression that he cared that much about me any longer - which is what I had tried to talk to him about. So I figured there was no point in putting him on the spot again by trying to discuss it. After the fact, I regretted handling it that way.
tinke Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 IF the relationship was very new and both felt incompatible, etc., maybe the dumpee wouldn't mind as much. ???? However, when a relationship is formed, it just seems respectful to honor the time shared and the past feelings with an in-person meeting. The best would be to discuss matters before it reaches this point. It appears from the posts that most were dumped by e-mail, phone when there was already someone else in the picture, which leads me to further believe it is a selfish way to "get rid of" the present partner..an easy way out. Although all answers can never be completely answered, this way of leaving adds a sting of disrespect.
Citizen Erased Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I think no matter how terrible it is to dump someone, no-one deserves it to be done by email (with the exception of violence or abuse of course). I am terrible at breaking up with someone. The last time I did it turned into a complete mess. I was crying, he was begging me not to leave him, there was yelling, hugs, tears, smiles, the whole works. It was terrible, gut wrenching and a complete nightmare. Only now can this guy look me in the eye and speak to me. I would still never have done it any other way. He deserved more than a phone call or a few words on a computer screen. What a cowardly way to end a relationship. No-one is that busy that they can't spare a few hours to break it off in person.
MRevolver Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 I got e-dumped a few weeks ago by someone I saw on an almost daily basis. He called me at 10 that morning just to chat and acted as though everything was fine (we had a GREAT relationship or so I thought). Yet by 2:30 that afternoon I'd gotten an email saying "I've been thinking about some things...I think we should just be friends. I'm not gonna call for awhile. God Bless." I think I would have had more respect for him had he knocked out my teeth and then shoved them back in via a more interesting formation It was completely insulting and very callous because if nothing else, we'd been friends prior to even dating. Plus, you'd think since we saw each other daily he would just say it. Doesn't get much more cowardly than that my friends. What's even more ironic is he hates email!
0hpenelope Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 It was completely insulting and very callous because if nothing else, we'd been friends prior to even dating. Plus, you'd think since we saw each other daily he would just say it. Doesn't get much more cowardly than that my friends. What's even more ironic is he hates email! Hah! Same here.
Author Ingenue Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Hah! Same here. Ditto for me. You know, there should be some club for all those lovers who have been dumped by email. It'll be an online gathering where we all post our lousy email dump letters and commiserate together. I always try to be so considerate so I'm baffled as to why some exes choose to do the email route. Surely they must realise how horrible a method it is.
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