mytruelove Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 just looking for support today. i'm wanting to call him. this weekend is hard for me because i know he has plans tonight - probably with the g/f. it should be me out with him tonight. it is just really irritating me today and making me angry. i don't want to feel this way. i want to have nothing but good feelings for him and to be happy and feel good about the relationship- not today. i guess i don't want to feel this way because i know it causes distance between us and threatens our relationship. i decided i did not want to call or email him till next week, but i'm getting more upset about the whole situation. i'm frustrated and impatient and am feeling a lot of anxiety. i have plans to go out to dinner with friends tonight, so that's good, but doesn't really take away the hurt. guess i'm hoping i'm doing the right thing by trying to send a message that i require more than what i'm being given and hoping he steps up to the plate. we really need some time together and he knows that.
wildsoul Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I know it's hard. Try to remember why you aren't calling him in the first place. Be an observer right now. Watch what he is doing (being with the gf) without your intervention to try and make him behave differently. Yes, being neglected hurts like hell, but it might do you some good to notice. The situation you are in, being the 2nd girl, is setting you up for this kind of hurt. NC is about you taking time to reevaluate. Besides, calling him because you're jealous of his time isn't going to ellicit the response that you want. You want him to show love, right? Contacting him with the upset stands a good chance of failing to get the reaction you want. Take a breath and let it go. It's great that you have plans tonight! Remember: your whole life isn't about that guy. You've got other friends and important things to do. They will be good medicine for you.
Author mytruelove Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 sofia, how are you feeling today? wildsoul, thank you soo much for pointing out the trigger and the words i needed to hear. i couldn't figure out why i was feeling this way today and having such a strong reaction and your right, it's because i know he has plans tonight that someone else is a part of that i want to be a part of and that he is most likely going with the g/f. "Besides, calling him because you're jealous of his time isn't going to ellicit the response that you want. You want him to show love, right? Contacting him with the upset stands a good chance of failing to get the reaction you want. Take a breath and let it go." -THANK YOU that's all i needed to hear not to call. your soo right...if i call today - it is for the WRONG reason...it is because of fear and panic because i know what he is doing tonight and i'm sure that calling him when i am upset or showing anything which might appear to him to be jealousy would NOT be attractive. i think i score much more points by just ignoring it, letting it go, and NOT calling today. letting him have the space and time to make his own choices. besides, truthfully, when i think about it. I WOULD NOT want to be her. i would not want to be with a guy that is seeing someone else and intimate with someone else behind my back. i really feel sorry for her. he does not love her, if he did he wouldn't be with me. honestly, i just can't understand how he can continue to be with her as intimate and close as we are together. if it we're me it would be done. i would have ended it already. when i became intimate with him i committed to him. i can't even imagine being intimate with anyone else now. i'm loyal and i made a choice (for bad or good). it throws me for a loop that he hasn't made that leap yet. jump already!!! ws - your one smart insightful lady - how are you doing today?
herenow Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 besides, truthfully, when i think about it. I WOULD NOT want to be her. i would not want to be with a guy that is seeing someone else and intimate with someone else behind my back. i really feel sorry for her. he does not love her, if he did he wouldn't be with me. honestly, i just can't understand how he can continue to be with her as intimate and close as we are together. if it we're me it would be done. i would have ended it already. when i became intimate with him i committed to him. i can't even imagine being intimate with anyone else now. i'm loyal and i made a choice (for bad or good). it throws me for a loop that he hasn't made that leap yet. jump already!!! ws - your one smart insightful lady - how are you doing today? But here is the thing. He is with her now. She can't make a choice based on fact because she doesn't know about you. You, on the other had, do know. You know that he is with her and probably being intimate with her as well. Yet, with that knowledge, you still see him. Based on what you are saying about how he doesn't love her because of what he does with you. What does it tell you that he is still with her? You are loyal to a man who isn't giving you that same consideration.
Author mytruelove Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 you make two REALLY good points. ones that i am going to have to give a lot more consideration to. yes, i have the knowledge, she does not...i have a lot more knowledge because i have been his friend for ten years. i've been there through past marriage, breakup, the birth of his kids, etc. she was not. therefore, it means i'm making a conscious choice, right? and she is not. so, i have to look at my reasoning for making a "conscious" choice to be with someone that is with someone else and, honestly, that is going to take some exploring. right now, i can say it is because i have loved him forever and just couldn't fight it anymore, BUT... i do remember when i first told him how i felt. i did it because i was determined that i was no longer going to supress my feelings and that i was going to get on with my life and FINALLY. i was going to be brave enough to take a chance. for once, i had the self-confidence to walk up to him and say "hey, i like you" and i just blurted it out. HONESTLY, did not expect anything to come out of it. i figured i would tell him how i felt and he would say "that's nice, but i'm sorry i don't feel the same" and i would have said ok, well, at least it's out in the open and i can move on. that is NOT what happened, he expressed feeling the same way and it went from there. we fought it for a long time...till it was impossible to fight anymore. i do know that he has a lot of fear...because we have discussed it in detail and that is why he hasn't left her yet-just plain and simple fear of leaving and abandonment/commitment and they live together and she has kids and he has kids involved (not together but with others) and that makes it harder. i DO NOT believe he is staying with her because of a lack of love or feeling for me-that is not what he has shown me. i'll think more on this one, but that's what i get from it so far.
norajane Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 i'm sure that calling him when i am upset or showing anything which might appear to him to be jealousy would NOT be attractive. i think i score much more points by just ignoring it, letting it go, and NOT calling today. letting him have the space and time to make his own choices. And what is HE doing to score points with you? What is he doing to be attractive to you? He's out with his girlfriend! Why are YOU so worried about not appearing jealous and why are you walking on eggshells not to piss him off? What is he doing not to piss you off? What is he doing to get OUT of his relationship with his girlfriend? besides, truthfully, when i think about it. I WOULD NOT want to be her. i would not want to be with a guy that is seeing someone else and intimate with someone else behind my back. Seriously? Because you ARE with a guy that is seeing someone else and who is intimate with her and he's not even trying to hide that from you! i really feel sorry for her. he does not love her, if he did he wouldn't be with me. If you are using that logic, it also applies to you: If he loved you, why is SHE his g/f? If he loved you, he wouldn't be with her. honestly, i just can't understand how he can continue to be with her as intimate and close as we are together. if it we're me it would be done. i would have ended it already. Because he doesn't love either of you as much as he loves himself. And neither you nor his g/f are kicking him to the gutter where he belongs. You ACCEPT what he is doing, so he has NO REASON to stop doing it. when i became intimate with him i committed to him. But he did not commit to you.
wildsoul Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 But here is the thing. He is with her now. She can't make a choice based on fact because she doesn't know about you. You, on the other had, do know. You know that he is with her and probably being intimate with her as well. Yet, with that knowledge, you still see him. Based on what you are saying about how he doesn't love her because of what he does with you. What does it tell you that he is still with her? You are loyal to a man who isn't giving you that same consideration. This is as about as clear as it can get. MTL, I forget so need to ask. Have you tried breaking up with him, instead telling him to look you up when he isn't dating her anymore?
Author mytruelove Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 hi nora, you make some excellent points, ones that i am going to have to really consider and give thought to. "And what is HE doing to score points with you? What is he doing to be attractive to you? - he has done a lot of things. i'm not going to list them here, but he has...things that most wouldn't think much, but things that i know for him are HUGE. i appreciate these things. has he failed to do a lot also, YEP, you bet! "He's out with his girlfriend! Why are YOU so worried about not appearing jealous and why are you walking on eggshells not to piss him off? " GOOD question! your right about this one. thanks for making me realize that i need to be more assertive!!! - thank you. there is absolutely no need for me to be so concerned about injuring him all the time. this is just the way it is with him...i feel this great big need to protect him all the time. i think because i know how he has been hurt in the past. "What is he doing not to piss you off?" when i express that i am upset about something he does make an effort to change those things or communicate about them and resolve them. "What is he doing to get OUT of his relationship with his girlfriend?" - not enough in my opinion. that's a question i NEED to ask him. i've never wanted to put pressure on him to break up with her though. i've wanted him to do it himself, in his own time, and because he wants to. the problem like you stated is that we are in two different places right now as far as being emotionally and physically available and commiting to each other...and it's not healthy for me...and that needs to change for us to have a relationship. wildsoul...he declared NC for a month a while back, BUT made it clear that he needed a month - no more, no less, and that after a month we could get back together. he has never cut it off completely, and neither have i. honestly, i couldn't imagine not having some kind of a relationship with him. we live in a small town, his work is very close to my house. our families are close. he's a huge part of my life and has been for a long time, as i am his. i can't imagine it being any other way. to truly do NC i think i would have to move. in the beginning we said that we would not do anything together until both of us were free, but the attraction is way too strong and we couldn't stick to that. i'm thinking this is what might need to be done though. i see how important it is for me to stick to my own personal boundaries now. if i don't, the whole relationship could be jeapordized. i see that now. this weekend saturday was really hard and i called on saturday. i was really white knuckling it. he was busy i knew that, but i tried anyway. the good part of the weekend was that i did manage to find a way to feel better myself and kind of equalize things. sunday i was fine with things and spent time with friends, and today i am okay to.
wildsoul Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 i see how important it is for me to stick to my own personal boundaries now. if i don't, the whole relationship could be jeapordized. i see that now. ... and today i am okay to. Yes, the relationship can be jeopardized in many ways. Not the least of which is the conflict itself casts a shadow. But also remember this: your self-esteem and confidence will be jeopardized. That's not a maybe. They will be, even if you're not feeling that fully yet. If you get out before that point, you'll save yourself a lot of heartache and a fortune in therapy bills. Glad to hear your Monday is better. You deserve good days 24/7.
Author mytruelove Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 from reading the responses to my thread i am really beginning to get it i think...not that i don't have a lot more to grasp, but basically, just the context in which the relationship is - ie an affair - lowers the value of the relationship itself. it is saying that you do not respect/love/value each other enough to have a real relationship and it is allowing it to be less than you want it to be- this does big damage to the relatioship, your feelings for each other, and yourself. hence, self esteem and respect are rattled big time. this already happened to me, but, hopefully, i can minimize the damage? i hope!!! oh, let's not forget your great point about confidence, because that is exactly what i love about this relationship....the fact, that i had have the confidence and have felt confident with him and overcame a bunch of fears with him...and that i good express my feelings and it has been okay....that in great jeapordy the more i don't get my needs met or suffer dissapointments with him. thanks ws for even more insight!!!
wildsoul Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 oh, let's not forget your great point about confidence, because that is exactly what i love about this relationship....the fact, that i had have the confidence and have felt confident with him and overcame a bunch of fears with him...and that i good express my feelings and it has been okay....that in great jeapordy the more i don't get my needs met or suffer dissapointments with him. thanks ws for even more insight!!! Thank you for the mirroring. Yes, yes, yes. There was a lot of good that I experienced. One huge thing is I reclaimed my sexuality after a few years of having zero sex drive in my previous marriage. I even got my hormones tested at one point, only to find out they are normal! My R with xMM proved that as long as I am in love, my sex drive is very active. I also got a lot of praise and validation. Somehow through this, I want to keep the good parts. Despite the fact that I've slipped a bit with my NC, overall I think I stopped mine in time (when his "separation" halted, and it would then be a flat-out affair.) In these affairs, there is an early phase where it seems like it's just a case of bad timing or whatever. I think all of us know at least one couple who represent that scenario where it started as an A, but then quickly worked out. The ones that drag on never seem to work out (GEL here is the only one I've heard of that happening.) Seems the only test of whether it's simply an A or not is to leave. To force into not being an affair by ending it if need be. To me, that's still the only way to right the situation. I like what you said about taking steps in being able to express your feelings. Also, I completely understand that means you worked hard to get from a place of not being able to do that. What do you think about the idea that the next logical progression from being able to express your feelings is to be able to take action on them?
jj33 Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 WS I think that is a very good point about keeping the good parts. Its so easy to beat yourself up and say why did I do this it was all such a huge mistake but being able to focus on whatever positives there were and opportunities for personal growth is important and I think it also takes out some of the sting as you back away. I am not recalling much of the good stuff these days, I seem to be numb and bitter about the whole thing, wondering how I ever allowed myself to get into it in the first place. I am so angry at myself for not taking better care of myself and making better choices. But I know that this too will pass.
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