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Posted

My boyfriend of one year broke up with me a month and a half ago (you can read the story on my previous posts). He broke it off in an e-mail after going on a trip and gave the explanation of "it isn't going to work out in the future." I had no idea that he was going to do this. For weeks we were perfect, no fighting, he even called me from his trip even though it cost him a ton of money. He also mentioned buying me a ring while he was over there!

 

Needless to say, I've been completely crushed. I did the begging and the pleading for about a week, then I sent him an e-mail saying that I would only talk to him if he could have a rational conversation with me on the phone about what happened. We did get around to that call, talked for about 2 hours straight (with lots of humor and respect) and he told me that it wasn't anything that I did, that he just doesn't know what he wants/had doubts about us. He said that he would talk to me once in a while online, but that we both had to move on. He said that I was the best girlfriend that he has ever had, and that I did so much for him while we were together (he is in medical school and I took care of him throughout his first year). It seems like any time I asked for what I wanted, he retracted his feelings for me. He also had a difficult time saying that he loved me, and often took it back.

 

We have talked on AIM a couple times over the past few weeks, but now he has seemed to drop off of the face of the planet. I feel so horrible about it - he really doesn't seem to be interested in talking to me. If I was so great, why did he leave? I battle with this question every day. It depresses me that at this age (I'm 22.5), people don't want the one who dedicates themselves, they always seem to pine over the challenging ones. I guess that is what I am doing right now!

 

I have so many false hopes of him coming back. I really do want him back in my life. I invested so much in the relationship because he seemed like a genuine person. Now I am having second thoughts about his character - he always seems to duck out of things when it seems like he might have to lift a finger to help. He seems like the kind of person who wants everything to be easy, which I see as unrealistic. But there are also so many good things about him - I felt like I could put up with his flaws. But he didn't like one thing about me: my introversion. He is extroverted and expected me to be as social as him. It was the reason he broke up with me for a week back in January. But he said that he missed me and would work on it with me. He always said that I was lovable, caring, and beautiful, and that he just couldn't get past the fact that I didn't want to socialize as much as he did.

 

I have so many good things in my life - good friends, a great future (I am applying to medical school and have already received interview invitations), stunning looks, a great personality. I am a very independent person and am supporting myself in a new city all on my own without parental help. I feel like I have accomplished so much in my life, yet I feel like a failure because of this relationship. I feel like if I could have gotten him to stick around, then I would be the complete package. I feel like a broken person and all that would really make me happy is to have him come crawling back. I know that makes me seem like an insecure person - which I am - but I see myself as one who can still function despite it.

 

I just want to know how to handle things with him from here on out. I know most people will tell me to go NC and try to realize that I can do better than him, since he didn't appreciate me. But right now, all I value is the relationship.

 

How can I recover?

Posted

I'll try to do this. :cracks knuckles:

 

Needless to say, I've been completely crushed. I did the begging and the pleading for about a week, then I sent him an e-mail saying that I would only talk to him if he could have a rational conversation with me on the phone about what happened.

 

Biggest mistake right there. Begging and pleading. +50 for his ego, demerits for yours...

 

When you beg and plead, it's emotional. A rational conversation is something that isn't possible with emotional.

 

We have talked on AIM a couple times over the past few weeks, but now he has seemed to drop off of the face of the planet. I feel so horrible about it - he really doesn't seem to be interested in talking to me. If I was so great, why did he leave?

 

You can ask yourself + other people who knew you and your guy together and let me say... I'm willing to bet that no answer is going to satisfy. You get one answer, it'll make you ask another question.

 

AIM... AIM is a terrible software for brokenhearted people. AIM, Yahoo, MSN, Facebook, Myspace, it doesn't matter. I don't go on AIM as much and I've gotten more free time out of it.

 

You might get mad at me for saying this, but for him to drop off the face of the Earth on AIM might be a good thing for you? He's not even fueling your false hopes as of this post. You're reliving the past and I think that's quite normal... :(

 

I have so many false hopes of him coming back. I really do want him back in my life. I invested so much in the relationship because he seemed like a genuine person. Now I am having second thoughts about his character...

 

He'll come back. Come hell or high water, if he wants you back, he'll find some way to get in touch with you. Don't worry about him. Focus on Med school. I'd hate to see someone who could be my future physician be so unfocused during schooling. I was pushed back a year from Pharmacy school because of Lawrencegate and I'm mad as heck about it. I have to do the whole raising the GPA thing and the whole she-bang if I want to get into Pharm school next year.

 

The few people who have had exes come crawling back to them... The majority of those few people are the ones who let go. You know... self-respect.

 

You can recover when you let go. I didn't know that I was ready when I buckled down on my NC with Lawrence. I can't even say that. "I was able to do NC because I was ready to" = False! Hardest thing to do was walk away. It took me a good 2 weeks to finally get his SN off my buddy list for good - and not put his SN back in. Took me 'til this summer to finally delete (not deactivate) my Facebook - we have too many mutual friends for me to stay in the Safe zone. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear how happy he is, I don't want to hear if he's sad, I don't want to hear anything about him, I don't, I don't! Nothing good will come out of it for me. I did NC because I needed to.

 

My diagnosis: you're going through the mourning stage. This is, to me, the BIGGEST hump of break-ups. Nothing else can compare to this painful part of the break-up.

 

Rant, vent, etc. If your friends are getting sick of hearing it from you, LS. We're here. Vent, vent, rant, rant. Get it out of your system so you can be in good shape for your interviews. Razor sharp focus!

Posted
I'll try to do this. :cracks knuckles:

 

 

 

Biggest mistake right there. Begging and pleading. +50 for his ego, demerits for yours...

 

When you beg and plead, it's emotional. A rational conversation is something that isn't possible with emotional.

 

 

 

You can ask yourself + other people who knew you and your guy together and let me say... I'm willing to bet that no answer is going to satisfy. You get one answer, it'll make you ask another question.

 

AIM... AIM is a terrible software for brokenhearted people. AIM, Yahoo, MSN, Facebook, Myspace, it doesn't matter. I don't go on AIM as much and I've gotten more free time out of it.

 

You might get mad at me for saying this, but for him to drop off the face of the Earth on AIM might be a good thing for you? He's not even fueling your false hopes as of this post. You're reliving the past and I think that's quite normal... :(

 

 

 

He'll come back. Come hell or high water, if he wants you back, he'll find some way to get in touch with you. Don't worry about him. Focus on Med school. I'd hate to see someone who could be my future physician be so unfocused during schooling. I was pushed back a year from Pharmacy school because of Lawrencegate and I'm mad as heck about it. I have to do the whole raising the GPA thing and the whole she-bang if I want to get into Pharm school next year.

 

The few people who have had exes come crawling back to them... The majority of those few people are the ones who let go. You know... self-respect.

 

You can recover when you let go. I didn't know that I was ready when I buckled down on my NC with Lawrence. I can't even say that. "I was able to do NC because I was ready to" = False! Hardest thing to do was walk away. It took me a good 2 weeks to finally get his SN off my buddy list for good - and not put his SN back in. Took me 'til this summer to finally delete (not deactivate) my Facebook - we have too many mutual friends for me to stay in the Safe zone. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear how happy he is, I don't want to hear if he's sad, I don't want to hear anything about him, I don't, I don't! Nothing good will come out of it for me. I did NC because I needed to.

 

My diagnosis: you're going through the mourning stage. This is, to me, the BIGGEST hump of break-ups. Nothing else can compare to this painful part of the break-up.

 

Rant, vent, etc. If your friends are getting sick of hearing it from you, LS. We're here. Vent, vent, rant, rant. Get it out of your system so you can be in good shape for your interviews. Razor sharp focus!

 

this is excellent advice OPenelope... :)

Posted
this is excellent advice OPenelope... :)

 

Thanks, miss_28.

 

Although sometimes, I kind of wish I didn't have this kind of advice to give. It reminds me that I had to go through crap and finally found a way to turn the crap into fertilizer.

 

So now, I'm wealthy from fertilizer. Sorta. Aahhh, NC. You win some, you lose some. :) "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," right?

Posted

what if you never begged or pleaded? obviously when the break up was happening we all try to rationalize with the bf/gf to rethink their decision, but after that....what if there was no begging, pleading, nothing?

What if all you want to do is talk to the ex after 2 months of not bothering them, no contact, nothing? And they won't even give you that? Its like he doesnt want to let me say my piece and be done with it. What do u do then?

Posted

So now, I'm wealthy from fertilizer. Sorta. Aahhh, NC. You win some, you lose some. :) "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," right?

 

right... and at least fertilizer helps things grow... ;) (ok, bad joke.)

Posted
what if you never begged or pleaded? obviously when the break up was happening we all try to rationalize with the bf/gf to rethink their decision, but after that....what if there was no begging, pleading, nothing?

What if all you want to do is talk to the ex after 2 months of not bothering them, no contact, nothing? And they won't even give you that? Its like he doesnt want to let me say my piece and be done with it. What do u do then?

 

well... it's a very good that you didn't beg or plead... at the very least you kept your dignity and self-respect. As for him not wanting to talk... or to let you say your piece... that too is a good thing. Remind yourself this little question: "why am I letting this guy invade my thoughts? is he worth it? is anyone worth it if they are causing you this kind of pain? " no one who is worth it would cause you this kind of pain...

 

in your case, the choice is simple, ignore him completely. Its in you power to do this. There will come a time when the tables are turned, but you must be patient and heal yourself first... nc really really helps in the process of healing. trust me, you would regret saying your piece, because even if you did get a chance to say it, he may or may not react... and then what? depending on his reaction, you may feel bad or worse. You'll be creating more heart-aching moments for yourself that would end up playing on an endless loop in your head... and i know you don't want to keep hurting. Be easy on yourself hon, things will improve if you let go (at your own pace) but they will improve...

 

(((hugs)))

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