sunshinegirl Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I have had some really messed up dreams in the last two weeks, but dreams in which I think my subconscious is trying to work some things out. Three nights in a row I dreamed that I was getting married (different person each time, none of them Eric). I didn't, at all, want to marry that person and knew it would be a mistake. But somehow I couldn't speak up to break things off (didn't want to hurt their feelings) and it was only when some external thing happened, or THEY broke up with me, that I escaped the terrible fate that otherwise awaited me. In a twist on that theme, in one dream my 2005 ex showed up at my doorstep and asked me to marry him. I didn't hesitate, leaping into his arms with a "yes!" But then we moved into a house with a leaky roof and crumbling foundation and rained poured in the house at all hours. I felt powerless to fix the house. Then his 3-year old child (whom he hadn't told me he had) showed up at the door and turned out to be a bratty, bossy kid that 2005 ex didn't discipline at all. My counselor was impressed at that dream. Last night's dream was that Eric was back in my life, completely happy to have sex with me and be in a "relationship" with me, but he was totally unwilling to take things forward or commit to anything more than, well, what we had in real life. In my dream I loved the physical closeness (we fit like a hand in glove) and I was debating whether I could live long-term with his inability to commit. Sadly, in my dream, I was talking myself into accepting the status quo. Again, another example of me not standing up for myself and demanding more/better. I woke up really really pissed off at Eric, real life, for the fact that he never once called it making love. It was always f***ing to him. Whew. So my brain is, I think, trying to make sense of my consistent pattern of not demanding more respect, better treatment, and not being willing to walk away when I don't get it. I would like to start having dreams in which a really awesome, grounded, sane, worthy guy treats me like gold, and knows what he has in me. More than a dream, though, I'd like for that to become a reality.
badnewsbeers Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I wish I had dreams like that... I just had a dream the other day where the ex and I sat down for a chat and against my better judgement I asked her where she stood and how she felt etc etc whether she missed me, wanted to get back together... I just remember being quietly shot down and woke up miserable. Had a pretty crappy day that day if I recall. Glad to hear yours are helping you though, they have some pretty clear messages I'd say.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Ugh - sorry for the painful dreams you're having. Mine are upsetting in their own way. Right now I feel like Eric is a Class A jerk, but that's depressing because how could I have been in love with a jerk? Is my judgment THAT poor? Part of me wants to remember him as a sympathetic character - worthy of my time and attention, but someone who really really screwed things up and one day will truly feel regret for how he handled things. I suppose the good thing is that my dreams are now more about ME than about him.
badnewsbeers Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Yeah I think that's important to see. Also, from the perspective of a male, typically when we do the breaking up and we see that the other person is having difficulty... I think a lot of the time guys kind of like that because it really feeds the ego. I don't think your ex was necessarily a jerk (and besides, when guys fall in love with a girl you wouldn't believe the amount of things that we'll change or let go of haha), but I think he's doing jerkish things now because he feels he has the power or ability to do so without repercussion? Let me know if that sorta makes sense, I'm studying for an exam in 2 hours as well as dealing with this latest set back so my mind is rather frazzled haha.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 badnews- that makes alot of sense. if the ex knows ur having a hard time it def. would feel like an ego boost. mine wont even talk to me. he says he doesnt want to make me hurt more. but i feel like he should let me say my piece. is asking again for him to talk to me pathetic? i need a guy's perspective!
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Yeah I think that's important to see. Also, from the perspective of a male, typically when we do the breaking up and we see that the other person is having difficulty... I think a lot of the time guys kind of like that because it really feeds the ego. I don't think your ex was necessarily a jerk (and besides, when guys fall in love with a girl you wouldn't believe the amount of things that we'll change or let go of haha), but I think he's doing jerkish things now because he feels he has the power or ability to do so without repercussion? Let me know if that sorta makes sense, I'm studying for an exam in 2 hours as well as dealing with this latest set back so my mind is rather frazzled haha. Hi badnews, your thoughts may make sense generally, but I'm not in any kind of contact with my ex so he has no idea how I'm handling it. We haven't spoken since May, when I found out he cheated on me and left me for someone else. So yes, he was actually a jerk.
badnewsbeers Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Well, in my experience the best way to really shake a guy is to say something like "I'm not going to be talking to you anymore, because as of this moment I'm going to be getting over you and finding someone else". The finality of that statement, plus the added thought of you with another person, will send a strong message. Again, this is just from personal experience (both myself and my friends, and yes, I have been that jerk once before). As long as you keep nagging and trying to work in there he's not suffering at all, but once you remove yourself and you lay it out straight, that will be a big change for him (whether or not you see it). Unless, of course, he's so far gone that nothing you do could matter to him. Hope that helps!
Ronni_W Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 So my brain is, I think, trying to make sense of my consistent pattern of not demanding more respect, better treatment, and not being willing to walk away when I don't get it. I would like to start having dreams in which a really awesome, grounded, sane, worthy guy treats me like gold, and knows what he has in me. More than a dream, though, I'd like for that to become a reality. Er...I think that when you start working, in real life, to change those patterns that your (sleep-time) brain is working so hard to bring to your conscious awareness then you absolutely WILL have those feelings and experiences...in real life. Maybe this is what your dreams are promising: You get working on increasing your self-worth, your self-respect, being more assertive, taking care of, and standing up for, your own interests...and 'we' will do the rest! Basically, know what YOU have with you...and treat yourself like gold
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Well, in my experience the best way to really shake a guy is to say something like "I'm not going to be talking to you anymore, because as of this moment I'm going to be getting over you and finding someone else". The finality of that statement, plus the added thought of you with another person, will send a strong message. Again, this is just from personal experience (both myself and my friends, and yes, I have been that jerk once before). As long as you keep nagging and trying to work in there he's not suffering at all, but once you remove yourself and you lay it out straight, that will be a big change for him (whether or not you see it). Unless, of course, he's so far gone that nothing you do could matter to him. Hope that helps! badnews, I appreciate your time and attention on my thread but I think you don't really know the details of my situation so your comments aren't quite hitting the mark. My ex is out of my life. Period. There's no nagging, there's no "big change" for him. As I said before, we haven't spoken or been in any kind of contact for 3 months so I might as well be dead as far as he is concerned. He lied to me, cheated on me, minimized it, denied it, and all of this after his own ex-wife cheated on HIM and he claimed he knew how much it hurt and he wouldn't do it himself. I sent him one very dignified but scathing email the day after I found out the extent of his cheating, and that was the last time we were ever in contact - 3 months ago. Everything I'm working out on this board, in my dreams, in real life, is happening completely independent of him.
frownyface42 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 i had a dream last night that i was sitting at a table with my ex and we were getting married... i was confused on how i got her back but i kissed her and everything felt great. i was a little scared cause everytime i got back with this girl i was scared to commit in fear of being hurt or hurting her and ended up leaving and not talking to her for a week or 2. this time however i thought i have her back for good (shes moved on)... i'm not scared and im not gonna screw this up this time, it felt so good to feel like i had everything figured out and to kiss this girl again
badnewsbeers Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 badnews, I appreciate your time and attention on my thread but I think you don't really know the details of my situation so your comments aren't quite hitting the mark. My ex is out of my life. Period. There's no nagging, there's no "big change" for him. As I said before, we haven't spoken or been in any kind of contact for 3 months so I might as well be dead as far as he is concerned. He lied to me, cheated on me, minimized it, denied it, and all of this after his own ex-wife cheated on HIM and he claimed he knew how much it hurt and he wouldn't do it himself. I sent him one very dignified but scathing email the day after I found out the extent of his cheating, and that was the last time we were ever in contact - 3 months ago. Everything I'm working out on this board, in my dreams, in real life, is happening completely independent of him. I'm sorry! I didn't see your other post before I wrote that one, my mistake. I suppose I'm still fairly young (22) so I don't have all of the experiences yet. Just the one break up for me. Oh also, those comments were directed at HopeDiesLost, just based off her message up there where she asked for a guy's perspective. So that's probably a large part of the issue lol. I'll try to be more clear next time!
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