Sassi75 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I know it's stupid of me, but for some reason I keep thinking that there's hope that John & I will get back together. I broke NC again yesterday morning via text message. I knew he was leaving to go to SC with a bunch of guys for a bachelor party weekend, so I felt that I had to tell him to please have a safe drive, and that I loved him. He replied right back to me saying, "I will be safe. I promise. I love you too" Then of course I could not leave well enough alone. John & I have a vacation booked for Aug 28th to Florida. We were going with another couple. I paid for this trip for John & I, and it was almost $2,000.00 for our airfare & resort (both of which are non-refundable). Anyway, I sent him another text saying, "By the way, I have not canceled our trip to Florida on the 28th. I have not given up on u. Don't u give up on us". I got no reply from him. My question is,....if he knew that we were not going, wouldn't he at a minimum text me back to say,..you better cancel it??? Just to give some background on John & I,....we've broken up and gotten back together 3 times before (over the past 3.5 years--all of which were his choosing for one stupid reason or another). I guess I'm hoping that will happen this time too.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 how long was each break? Havent seen u on and have been wondering how you're doing Sassi!
Author Sassi75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 The longest one was just about 6 weeks. Each time he's come back to me crying his eyes out (and I mean boo-hooing) for me to please take him back. Saying that he cannot live without me, that he loves me more than anything in the world,..etc. Of course, I am always pretty hard on him, but ended up always taking him back. And the reasons for the different break-ups vary, but when it comes down to it they have been because of back when I use to go out drinking with the whole crew and we'd come home after being out all night, only to get into some sort of drunk argument over something stupid. Another reason why I stopped the going out drinking thing with all of them. I'm not sure how I've been. Like the thread title says, I think that me having broken NC has given me some sort of a false hope or something. I'm going with the girls this weekend for a bachelorette party. It's actually the bride to the guy that John's with for the bachelor party in SC this weekend. Anyway, hopefully it will help to occupy my mind for a couple of days. I figure next week is a make, or break week. If he's coming back to me, I would think that it would be next week Prior to the planned vacation. If I have to cancel this and lose all of that money, he knows I'm going to be really pissed. Besides, the other couple that's going certainly would not have booked their trip if John & I had not been going--so I feel SOOO bad about that. How about you Hope, how have you been holding up?
HopeDiesLast Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 i text him last friday and asked if he'd call me when he got out of work- no response. he text me yesterday and said "sorry for not responding. i felt bad about it all weekend. i heard you're still not doing well and i didnt want to make it worse." so i said "well im not sure what u've heard but i felt i could finally talk to you rather than text. i was shocked when u didnt even acknowledge me. you were the one who said you'd always be there even when we broke. i thought maybe it was hard for you to talk too." he answers "well i apologize for not responding to you." so i said "but u still wouldnt like to talk to me....guess u know where to find me when u do." i cant do anything and its making me nuts. SERIOUSLY. im going crazy. i feel like he should talk to me. he owes me that. i almost want to try again but ill look pathetic like im begging.
confused11 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Hope...I'm sorry to say this...but I think it is definitely over for now I know that's not what you want and that you really love him but I read your thread explaining the situation (about giving up hope) He realized that right now, it is not what he wants. Is he dating someone else that you know of? That could also be a main reason of why he doesn' want to be in contact with you. The fact that "he heard you still weren't doing well" is also not so good. How would he know? I think he doesn't want to talk to you because he feels guilty/bad. When this guy told me the first time he just wanted to be friends, I said ok...that's your decision. I left him alone....absolutely nc at all. He still contacted me occasionally (bout 1x a week) but I ignored him. A few months later when we were trying to get involved again he said to me that he felt so bad for what he did because he cared about me but didn't want anything at the time. He said that although he wanted to see me (he would call my friends to let it be known he was going out or to find out if I was) he didn't like it because everytime he did he just felt really bad about the way he acted and if made him feel like sh*t. And that sometimes when he did go out and didn't see me, he felt relieved. (yes, the same thing happened again but what he said was true, I didn't want to see my ex that i broke up with cuz I knew he was hurt and I felt bad) I think yes he does care about you but not the same way you care about him. He also knows he hurt you and I think he does feel bad for doing so. Talking to you and seeing you, even if he is happy with someone else, reminds him of the crappy thing he did. The thing is though, he did it to make himself happy and he doesn't want to feel guilty for wanting to be happy. Seeing you makes him feel that way. It sucks and sounds really f*ed up but do you want to feel guitly for being happy? Eventually the both of you will talk but now is not the right time. When is the right time? I would say when you don't want him back anymore. Do not contact him and do not even return and answer when he tries. Do this for you. I know for me I think well I don't want to seem like a bitch for not responding but you know what, I'm not doing it to be spiteful, I'm doing it to heal. I don't want to catch up or hear how he is, or even if he is happy with someone else. (I'll answer to hear how miserable he is without me in his life, how he can't function, is a walking zombie etc....lol haha kidding, wishful thinking right ) I know you'll be wondering why he called but if it's important, you'll be getting more than one phone call or you'll hear about it some other way. I know you don't want to, but the best thing for YOU right now is to let go and accept. How you holding up throughout the day? Work keep you occupied? DO you go out? What have you been doing for you?
Author Sassi75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Hope - For now, I would try to go back into the whole NC thing. Obviously right now he isn't wanting to discuss any of this with you. Due to it making him feel guilty, or whatever the reason. Maybe in time, he will be ready to talk to you--who knows. Maybe he needs to have this time to go out there and see what's available (even though it SO sucks to think about that,..believe me...i know) to find out that you really were the best thing for him,....OR not. It's just so difficult to say. What we do know though is that, whatever the reason, he's just not wanting to talk to you right now. Believe me, if/when he decides that he wants you--you'll know cause he will certainly find you!! Us girls we always want to talk things over, discuss the situation, figure it all out--heck that's why most of us are on here!! Since they guys won't discuss this with us, we are hoping someone will! Thank God for this website and all of you on here give your thoughts & advice!! It's been SOOOO helpful!!
nowhereman82 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Don't be his doormat Sassi. You aren't there for him to hook up with and then leave when conveinent, he obviously is not capable of committing through the good and bad and when its bad he leaves. You're just throwing away time that could be used to find someone more deserving of you. If you are not too bummed out find a girlfriend or something to go to florida with so you money isnt wasted. If you can't I believe you can use the fare amount up to a year after your flight date. They charge a $250 processing fee per ticket though but you can use the rest of the amount to go anywhere you like.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 nowwhereman82 - Logically you are 100% correct, and I know it. Believe me, I realize it, and totally agree with what you are saying. The problem is, my heart isn't saying the same thing my head says. I cannot make the two match up. In past relationships when situations would arise where I knew it was best for me to just leave,..I had no problem with leaving and not looking back. This relationship--I just can''t do it. I just cannot walk away, and give up on us,..or him. I wish I did have someone that could go on the trip with me, but I don't. Our airfare was not even 250.00/ea, so not sure it would be worth the processing fee. It's all so sad.
nowhereman82 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 What were the reasons for the 3 break ups? Is this a two way relationship? What don't you like about him and what do you like about him? Is he a communicator?
Author Sassi75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 The 3 break-ups were over stupid arguments after nights of drinking. After the third time, I made the decision that the drinking had to slow down ALLOT if we were to get back together. And it definitely did. In some senses it's gotten to be a one-way relationship. Just because I seem to be the only one that is willing to work on issues that come up in the relationship. He'll say this or that is wrong, and I do all that I can to try to make things better while he does nothing. Somewhat frustrating. What I don't like about John would have to be he can be very selfish and self-centered & secretive at times. Also at times all the golf he plays can get on my nerves,...but not too much. I love how we click, how seeing him still gives me butterflies, how he holds me, how he talks so sweetly to me, how we have so much fun together, when he surprises me with a bubble bath and candles, how he has included me in his family and all that he does, how he always makes me laugh, and that we have so much in common, how he helps me..... NO he is not a communicator. He would rather run away then have to actually talk about a situation. That's why the 3 other break-ups even happened--because he would not talk about what had occurred. He just ran away.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 confused and sassi- i know u guys are right. theres nothing left for me to do. its awful. ive been seeing a therapist to come to grips with things. i think its just an issue with me not having control over this, not being able to do anything. its making me crazy. ive been going out and seeing a guy- hes ok, just whatever right now, ya know? we just hang out. at work its hard because im on my own alot and in my car driving so i have alot of thinking time which is not good. its kind of a lonely job cus im in outside sales. ive been trying to do small things for me- go see friends out of town, talk with family, i joined a yoga center, i try to make little projects happen that ive been putting off too. its hard, im trying to take it day by day. i was so used to being in control in this relationship that it bothers me to not be able to fix this. but more and more i realize- its really not MY issue. im a good person and i have my sh*t together- if he can't see the value in me, then he can take a freaking walk...cus i deserve someone who will go out of their way for me and appreciate me.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 btw- sassi--- you derserve the same that i said above ^^^^ u seem like a good person, and no one should run away when things get tough. thats what my ex did too.
Author Sassi75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Wow Hope - You sounds like your doing better! Good for you! This weekend is the first weekend where I'm actually getting myself out of the house all weekend and going with the girls. Part of me would just rather curl up in bed though like I've been doing, but I know I have to stop doing that. I'm certainly not a perfect person, and have my faults, but I believe that I am a good catch and that John certainly took me for granted the majority of the time. I know that I treated him better than he's ever been treated, showered him with gifts, vacations and more importantly I gave a 100% of me to him and this relationship. I don't know what more I could of done. The issue now isn't me, it's HIM. He's the one with the problems,..and I can't fix them for him. Knowing all of this--I still feel lost.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Sassi- dont get me wrong, i still feel lost and helpless. and the bad days are more than the good right now. but u dotta try, ya know? its so much easier to sit home and mope or lie in bed feeling sorry for yourself. but i literally forced myself to go out with friends when i dont want to, or hang out with this guy im not that into.....just to do it. and who knows, maybe ill meet someone in the process, maybe once im healed ill be more into this guy and really like him- cus hes got potential. but the therapist is a huge help and so are my family. they just put things into perspective- either by bringing things up that i havent thought of, or by reminding me how i deserve better. i read this passage in "Its called a break up cus its broken" and it was something about LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY. Really. Sometimes its easier to defend our sh**ty ex's and their sh**ty behavior than it is to REALLY see them and the relationship for what they are- flawed and nearly over. Its just a constant reality check to myself, and it should be for you too. THIS IS ALL HAPPENING FOR A REASON.
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