Is it Okay to Settle for Mr. Good Enough?

[D-Jam]

When I originally heard of and then read this article, I think the only mistake the author made was to use the word "settle".

 

"Settle" is a bad word. It means you're picking a mate you're honestly not attracted to for one or a multitude of reasoning just for the sake of "having someone". My father always instilled in me never to date or marry someone for the sake of "having someone". To pick someone because you want them, not because you want a RL that badly.

 

Gottleib's article is more in line with what I read in Jillian Strauss' Unhooked Generation. Both book and article are not speaking at people to throw out all their selection standards and pick just anyone, but more to look at yourselves and decide if your selection criteria vastly limits you from finding a good mate in life.

 

I would love a girl who has long dark hair, killer body, great fashion sense, face like an angel, nice chest and arse, loves art, wine, and cooking, and is realistic in what she wants in life out of a man. I am currently dating a blonde with shorter hair, nice body, decent face, loves art, wine, and much more of what I am into.

 

Did I settle? HELL NO.

 

I more saw it that the selection criteria was nice to find, but NOT FULLY REQUIRED. I think this woman is amazing and wonderful. I'm dating her, she likes me, so I'm not going to ruin a good thing hoping Ms long hair brunetter will come along.

 

People need to really think hard if they are limiting themselves too much. I can imagine someone with a small criteria being hard on that, but not when the criteria is a long shopping list that no one can really fulfill.

 

The word shouldn't be "settle" as much as it should be "think realistically".

[Trialbyfire]

If you're willing to settle, that's your choice. If you're unwilling to settle, that's also your choice. As long as you're willing to bear the consequences and responsibilities for your actions, it's all good.

[pandagirl]

When I originally heard of and then read this article, I think the only mistake the author made was to use the word "settle".

 

"Settle" is a bad word. It means you're picking a mate you're honestly not attracted to for one or a multitude of reasoning just for the sake of "having someone". My father always instilled in me never to date or marry someone for the sake of "having someone". To pick someone because you want them, not because you want a RL that badly.

 

Gottleib's article is more in line with what I read in Jillian Strauss' Unhooked Generation. Both book and article are not speaking at people to throw out all their selection standards and pick just anyone, but more to look at yourselves and decide if your selection criteria vastly limits you from finding a good mate in life.

 

I would love a girl who has long dark hair, killer body, great fashion sense, face like an angel, nice chest and arse, loves art, wine, and cooking, and is realistic in what she wants in life out of a man. I am currently dating a blonde with shorter hair, nice body, decent face, loves art, wine, and much more of what I am into.

 

Did I settle? HELL NO.

 

I more saw it that the selection criteria was nice to find, but NOT FULLY REQUIRED. I think this woman is amazing and wonderful. I'm dating her, she likes me, so I'm not going to ruin a good thing hoping Ms long hair brunetter will come along.

 

People need to really think hard if they are limiting themselves too much. I can imagine someone with a small criteria being hard on that, but not when the criteria is a long shopping list that no one can really fulfill.

 

The word shouldn't be "settle" as much as it should be "think realistically".

 

This reminds me of how the last guy I dated dumped me, and said: "We just have crucial personality differences -- you like pop culture!" (He was an art snob. And yes, I like art, but also love American Idol!)

[Ocean-Blue]

I feel the opposite. I need *some* zing, but not a lot. I need to be attracted to the person, but in cultivating a longterm relationship, other things are more important than the zing. Because, guess what? The zing inevitably disappears.

 

For me, the "zing" exists because he has so much of what I want. Sometimes I honestly believe it is a feeling (and emotion) that is simply inexplicable...other days, I know exactly why I feel the way I do about him.

 

Passion and that "in love" feeling waxes and wanes over time. It is intense at times and dilute other times. My point is that it's there.

[vonerik012]

People who use the "I will not settle" usually are pretty defensive about dating and themselves.

 

If you won't "settle", trust me nobody cares. Be single and alone as long as you like. Don't date anyone. Not a huge deal.

 

Saying, "I would like to find a good match for myself, and that is difficult for me " means the same thing, except it does not put enough blame on the opposite sex for some people.

 

Maybe for men it is different. I see someone, I like them, I ask them out, and we are together, or not. Never in my life have I thought about "settling". Maybe the ones who are obsessed with not "settling" are not being asked out by any desirable men?

[45Reverse]

It all depends on how you define "settling", doesn't it?

 

I mean...for me, settling is being with a man that doesn't make me weak in the knees. Simple as that.

 

Sure there will be days when I want to kill him (and days he thinks I'm the biggest b1tch in the world)...but on the whole, there is something there.

 

I can settle on other things...but that "feeling" I can't settle without. Sure, this zing factor exists because he has certain attributes, but it is also compelling in that it makes you overlook other factors.

 

It's all about finding someone that makes you forget you have a list in the first place.

 

Ok...I get the whole desire to have "that feeling"

 

*BUT*

 

What do you do when that 'zing' is gone? Some day, some time down the road it will go away. You'll wake up one day and have no idea where it went...it'll just be gone. And no one will have done anything pro-actively to get rid of it. It will fade on it's own.

 

Take it from a man who was married for 13 yrs...That weak in the knees thing WILL go away...

 

Then what???? Are you not by default "settling" after the fact?

[Ocean-Blue]

Ok...I get the whole desire to have "that feeling"

 

*BUT*

 

What do you do when that 'zing' is gone? Some day, some time down the road it will go away. You'll wake up one day and have no idea where it went...it'll just be gone. And no one will have done anything pro-actively to get rid of it. It will fade on it's own.

 

Take it from a man who was married for 13 yrs...That weak in the knees thing WILL go away...

 

Then what???? Are you not by default "settling" after the fact?

 

As I said before, my zing is tied to tangible factors, to attributes that I can easily point out. And yes, I did say there are days where it's just an intense feeling that just is... But on the whole, I know precisely why he makes me go gaga.

 

So even when I have a mommy tummy and he's bald and fat, I'll still love him because he will still be the same man with the same character traits and attributes.

 

I am very practical about what I have with him. He and I have had our share of problems and are still working through them... But the zing and the practical nature of our R binds me to him.

 

Does that make sense?

[Mako482]

I think the common sense of this is no one is perfect, if you are looking for that you will be single forever. You need to find someone you can love just enough to overlook their flaws.

[Woggle]

Will we get to a point one day, in which it is just an accepted fact that all men are pathetic losers, and any woman with a man is "settling"?

 

http://www.43things.com/entries/view/2198119.

 

There are many women who feel like that already.

[D-Jam]

This reminds me of how the last guy I dated dumped me, and said: "We just have crucial personality differences -- you like pop culture!" (He was an art snob. And yes, I like art, but also love American Idol!)

I think he's silly.

 

I'm not all into pop culture either. I don't listen even to the radio because I generally don't hear anything I like over what I select and hear on my iPod.

 

However, I like this girl I'm seeing because she believes in separate lives as I do. She was listening to P!nk when I met up with her yesterday. I don't see her as lesser for liking it, only more differentiating tastes. If she wanted me to go to a P!nk concert, I'd probably pass.

 

If she liked watching American Idol, I think that's fine...but I'd be more irked if she got mad because I didn't want to come over and watch it with her. I like football (soccer), but I wouldn't ask her or expect her to come watch Premier League games with me.

 

HOWEVER, when we make dating time...together time...then it's not about our separate tastes, but what we have in common. Granted there are things I've never seen that she has, and I'll be interested, and likewise. I think that's the big trick. I'm not looking for a female clone of me...but I am looking for someone who understands my life as I will her. Someone who isn't trying to force me to live her lifestyle when I don't want to.

 

I wouldn't care if she had Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys posters all over her apartment and wanted to go to concerts. I would care though if she was going to give me flack that I didn't want to go, despite that she knows I'm not into that.

 

The problem with your ex is that he didn't respect you, and he expected you to change your tastes totally to his...while I'm more the type who says "this is me, and that is you...but other times this is us"

[fral945]

Its the younger' date=' less experienced or immature women that want the perfect man that only exists in movies; women with more experience seem to take the best of their past experiences and want all of these in one man - thus they won't settle unless said guy meets criteria (and its not the > 6 feet, CEO etc.)[/quote']

 

Yea, I'm starting to think I'd be better off with a divorced women with children than a single, childless women, even though I've never been married and have no kids myself. They at least have the life experience and a far more realistic and practical view of life than many of the young single women I meet.

[motive2002]

I think the author is really leaning on the point of aging. You get older and less attractive, and you start to wonder why you didn't just "settle" for that one person you dumped because they had a few petty habits you didn't like.

 

There was a gal I lived with some years ago. I broke it off because some of her little personality quirks were driving me crazy. At the time I was younger, thinner, better looking so I figured on finding the "bigger better deal". Truth be told, if I were to overlook, or somehow compromise on those few traits there was a lot there I would have been happy with.

She was very cute, very honest.. loyal, caring, trustworthy etc. We had the same core beliefs and both liked our own free time, as well as time together.

 

I took her for granted. Broke her heart, all because of a few quirks.

 

As you age, and become less marketable, it's time to re-evaluate those quirks. Stand up for your core beliefs, but don't sweat the smaller stuff.

[motive2002]

Also..

 

I'm bothered to see 5'8" considered as short, since that is my height I'd love to be 6'3", but I gotta work with what God gave me.

[HiItsMe]

I think the author is really leaning on the point of aging. You get older and less attractive, and you start to wonder why you didn't just "settle" for that one person you dumped because they had a few petty habits you didn't like.

 

There was a gal I lived with some years ago. I broke it off because some of her little personality quirks were driving me crazy. At the time I was younger, thinner, better looking so I figured on finding the "bigger better deal". Truth be told, if I were to overlook, or somehow compromise on those few traits there was a lot there I would have been happy with.

She was very cute, very honest.. loyal, caring, trustworthy etc. We had the same core beliefs and both liked our own free time, as well as time together.

 

I took her for granted. Broke her heart, all because of a few quirks.

 

As you age, and become less marketable, it's time to re-evaluate those quirks. Stand up for your core beliefs, but don't sweat the smaller stuff.

 

So true...however, there are even some 40-something women (which is getting up there) that apparently "Still got it" because they were blessed with good genes and a family history of hardly any kind of illnesses.

 

They are still cocky in thinking they deserve some hottie. Then they start spending money on augmentation and face lifts to keep up with the rest of the superficial people.

[motive2002]

So true...however, there are even some 40-something women (which is getting up there) that apparently "Still got it" because they were blessed with good genes and a family history of hardly any kind of illnesses.

 

They are still cocky in thinking they deserve some hottie. Then they start spending money on augmentation and face lifts to keep up with the rest of the superficial people.

 

I swear my ex used Botox. It was a LDR and when we first met in person she looked pretty stunning, however each time I flew to her city again, it seemed as though she looked older each time.

She is very vain about her appearance and has had other cosmetic surgery done, so it wouldn't surprise me.

40 is the new 20 it seems, and some women don't really want to settle for a very long time.. plus the whole cougar thing, which kind of a new phenomenon in it's own.

 

Aging isn't what it used to be haha.

[vonerik012]

The whole "cougar" thing is pretty pathetic..Women in 40's having sex with guys in their 20's..

 

Are both parties really happy? It won't last, the young man is passing on young women he could have a real relationship with, and the older women is left alone after being used for sex..

[miss_28]

honestly, age and looks are not the point... i'd like to think as people age they get better, not worse... and therefore have more to offer. sure, physically they may start to lose the looks, but big deal. I know that for myself, I've been attracted to men at all ends of the spectrum, overweight and bald to drop dead gorgeous and younger than me (I'm 28)... I never felt i was "settling" when i was with any of these men even though i have a lot to offer. Strangely though, i was always better treated by the more attractive men, the less physically attractive men were more hostile and shallow when it came to looks... isn't that strange? Settling to me means making due with someone that can't be an equal contributor to the relationship... and no one should try to carry a relationship on their own, its draining. Being with someone so as not to be alone, well, is that a better alternative?

 

and by the way, (this is a little off topic) but i really hate the term "cougar"... i have an aunt that was 10 years older than her husband and they had a rather happy 40 year marriage (until he passed away)... and I know a lot of couples where the woman is older than the man, the age difference shouldn't be looked upon so negatively - its an ugly double standard...

[vonerik012]

Well there are lots of double standards...

 

In rare cases older women and younger men last. Sometimes very short men marry very tall women too. Anything can happen.

[Ocean-Blue]

What do people insist on talking in relative terms? She is cuter than... He is taller than... It's better this than...?

 

I don't get it. Why not evaluate that person independently? There is ALWAYS something better (whether it be looks or income potential or whatever else)...so why not just say, "alright, X is ideal b/c...." and leave it at that?

 

I mean, I hate to think that I am with my bf because he is better than most guys out there. I don't see it that way at all! In fact, my ex is a great person and a great catch. I wouldn't necessarily say my bf is better. It's just he and I are more compatible.

 

Am I missing something?

[vonerik012]

No Ocean, you have the right attitude in my opinion.

 

I don't understand the "iIwon't settle" rigid mentality. If you meet someone you fancy, what is settling?

[Ocean-Blue]

I don't understand the "iIwon't settle" rigid mentality. If you meet someone you fancy, what is settling?

 

Exactly!

 

I think it has a lot to do with how we've been conditioned (and when I say "we", I mean the group of discussion here, the "I won't settle" peeps). There is a huge difference b/w someone who doesn't want X because she hates kissing X and someone who loves Y but doesn't think he's tall enough and wishes he were taller. In the latter, there is something seriously wrong. Maybe I'm a bit biased here, but when the kissing is bad, either the couple doesn't know how to kiss and/or there is NO chemistry. I was one of those...my ex and I had zero passion. It was horrible. Now I realize it wasn't because of some elusive magical feeling...nope...it was all about our different perspectives on life (we just weren't compatible!). This lack of compatibility manifested itself in a weird way (or maybe not so weird). I would get feelings of serious confusion and doubt. It was debilitating at times because that feeling sucked the life and joy out of EVERYTHING I did with him.

[vonerik012]

Ocean exactly..

 

I feel that as humans, there are a wide range of people we can have chemistry with. I don't understand the mentality of limiting yourself to one specific tiny group, and then claiming you do that because you "do not want to settle"

[Ocean-Blue]

Ocean exactly..

 

I feel that as humans, there are a wide range of people we can have chemistry with. I don't understand the mentality of limiting yourself to one specific tiny group, and then claiming you do that because you "do not want to settle"

 

I think some people have that "point of no return" mentality. They've come this far looking for Ms. Right, so why settle now? They've gotten to a point where too much time has passed for them to simply "settle" now.

 

One should never settle where there is zero chemistry from the get go. I understand that chemistry changes over time and comes and goes...that it's not some static "thing" that is consistent. I so get that. BUT...I don't advise anyone to get involved with someone where they don't feel that zing. Sure it takes some people a little while to really get to know the other person and develop chemistry...but the fact remains, if after some time, there is nothing, don't pursue it! Otherwise, you really are settling.

 

To be frank, I get very annoyed with the whole SATC watching bimbo squad of cougars who, under the guise of "just having fun", prowl the streets for Mr. Right. And when they meet defeat over and over again, they tell themselves they didn't want it anyway.

 

Sour grapes if you ask me.

 

Mind you, I love SATC.

[HiItsMe]

Yeah, anyone getting sick of hearing, esp in personal ads, "I know what I want and I won't SETTLE!!"?

[norajane]

So, there's settling for something other than your ideal, settling for less than what you need, and there's settling down with someone who feels right enough to want to settle down with them.

 

Settling for less than what you need will bring regrets and a failed relationship down the line. Unmet needs create resentment and make for a bad relationship. Example: You settle for someone who is reserved when you really need someone who is openly affectionate and loving.

 

Settling for something other than your ideal can work really well or can be a dismal failure, depending on your attitude and perspective. If you see it as settling, then you will fail. If you see it as being open to someone you wouldn't have expected, that can bring all kinds of unexpected joys and pleasures into your life. Example: you settle for someone who isn't romantically creative and you resent that he never brings you flowers or she doesn't tell you you're her Superman all the time. That could ruin a relationship. Viewed differently, that same person could be the BEST husband/father or wife/mother because they are practical and thoughtful and enhance your life by always being the one person you can count on when you need support.

 

Settling down with someone who is 'good enough' means, to me, that overall, they meet a majority of your needs and wants. What's wrong with that? Nothing. As long as you don't view it as settling, but settling down with someone who may not be perfect but is as close to that as is important.