HiItsMe Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I saw a thread by womans stating that she just MIGHT have to settle Laura Gottlieb just might give accolades to such an attitude, because...that's right...sometimes "settling" is the right thing to do if you want a decent relationship: Why it’s OK to settle for Mr. Good Enough Author Lori Gottlieb on the fading line between compromising and settling THis particular excerpt is what got my attention Whether you acknowledge it or not, there’s good reason to worry. By the time 35th-birthday-brunch celebrations roll around for still-single women, serious, irreversible life issues masquerading as “jokes” creep into public conversation: Well, I don’t feel old, but my eggs sure do! or Maybe this year I’ll marry Todd. I’m not getting any younger! The birthday girl smiles a bit too widely as she delivers these lines, and everyone laughs a little too hard for a little too long, not because we find these sentiments funny, but because we’re awkwardly acknowledging how unfunny they are. At their core, they pose one of the most complicated, painful, and pervasive dilemmas many single women are forced to grapple with nowadays: Is it better to be alone, or to settle? Maybe she should marry "Todd"...right? It's funny how those women in that video (upper-right corner) have no regrets for dumping men they were dating because they didn't marry them or whatever. It seems the author acknowledges the unrealistic expectations that they have when looking for a mate.
vonerik012 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Almost all experts would agree on this. However if you do on these boards, you are then a "misogynist". It is almost comical when a woman has long lists of "requirements" in mate. As they age, they will end up alone, or drastically lowering their requirements to what is left. The same for men, but men have a longer biological clock. Also since men are valued for wisdom, maturity, and being a provider, in most cases they appreciate in value as they make more money at 35 than 25. Women are valued for beauty and fertility, so they depreciate with age. I know it sounds harsh but that is the reality for men who want children one day. People should not settle on core values, lifestyle habits, attraction, etc. But as we are all humans, the above traits are not so impossible to find. It is when you start to get really really ridiculously picky that you have a hard time. But the question is "what is settling?" Lowering unrealistic expectations that were invented out of thin air? Or being with someone you cannot stand just to be married. I do not think the former is"settling", as that is just coming back to reality. The latter would be an unacceptable form of settling.
Kamille Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I think I remember someone starting a thread on the topic when the article was published. What I'm curious about is would you guys ever "settle"? People should not settle on core values, lifestyle habits, attraction, etc. But as we are all humans, the above traits are not so impossible to find. It is when you start to get really really ridiculously picky that you have a hard time. But the question is "what is settling?" Lowering unrealistic expectations that were invented out of thin air? Or being with someone you cannot stand just to be married. I do not think the former is"settling", as that is just coming back to reality. The latter would be an unacceptable form of settling. I agree with this. I think I used to have this very unrealistic expectation of what love should be - actually found that kind of love and it was an impossibly difficult relationship to build because it was simply too passionate. I've sinced revised my criteria of what I am looking for in a relationship. I now want something practical. The guys I'm interested in have changed as a a result. Now I'm looking for someone who will make me laugh and with whom I can be comfortable. But the bottom line remains, I am happy on my own and would rather be on my own then in a relationship that is bleak.
Author HiItsMe Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 I know some women, they dated jerks or guys who cheated on them...when they say they won't "Settle" ,m eaning...they won't date those guys again....that makes sense. But we have women out there that will only date guys no less than 6 feet tall, or that he must have a full head of hair. Must not be short...must not have a big nose. I've seen personal ads like this, "Must not be a baldy" and that woman was in her mid 40's ...go figure...figured by THAT age, that there's alot of bald men. lol Anyways, Maybe it's about time for single women to "Settle" on the man with male-pattern baldness, or the guy who is only 5'8", etc. Women are convinced that if they settle, they won't be happy. This is not true...if you "Settled" on a 5'8" short guy, I guarantee you will not be miserable, if this guys personality shines through, who cares about a few inches, right? This is what the author is referring to. All the reasons women pick at to not date a guy, should be overlooked.
Taramere Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I wouldn't settle for "good enough", because that description suggests I don't recognise or appreciate any exceptional talents or qualities in him. I must see something exceptional in a man in order to sleep with and respect him. It doesn't matter if nobody else in the world sees or thinks there's anything exceptional there - or if 5 years down the line, I think "how the hell did I ever think he was special?" At the time I get together with him, I have to genuinely see something special in him. How can it be fair to comfortably ensconse yourself in the most intimate and personal aspects of a person's life when you don't think they're exceptional? I think it's totally insulting - and I'd far rather spend the rest of my life alone rather than be with a man who's attitude was "neither of us are anything special, but we're good enough for eachother. Let's get together."
Kamille Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I know some women, they dated jerks or guys who cheated on them...when they say they won't "Settle" ,m eaning...they won't date those guys again....that makes sense. But we have women out there that will only date guys no less than 6 feet tall, or that he must have a full head of hair. Must not be short...must not have a big nose. I've seen personal ads like this, "Must not be a baldy" and that woman was in her mid 40's ...go figure...figured by THAT age, that there's alot of bald men. lol Anyways, Maybe it's about time for single women to "Settle" on the man with male-pattern baldness, or the guy who is only 5'8", etc. Women are convinced that if they settle, they won't be happy. This is not true...if you "Settled" on a 5'8" short guy, I guarantee you will not be miserable, if this guys personality shines through, who cares about a few inches, right? This is what the author is referring to. All the reasons women pick at to not date a guy, should be overlooked. We have been having this discussion endlessly on this board. Not all women disqualify guys on superficial attributes. Are some women superficial? Sure. Are all? No. This makes me wonder, again, would you settle HiItsMe? Would you approach a woman who isn't an 8 or over on the scale? Who is perhaps a bit overweight?
vonerik012 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Well, I look for basic traits and values. Of course there must be an initial attraction. But she doesn't have to be a certain height, or have a certain breast size, or a certain hair color, or have a perfect body. Giving, flexibility, and integrity are important traits. I do not seek based on income or career. We are in the USA, and there are plenty of ways to make money. As an example, an unsuccessful woman in dating might have as requirements... High level job 6 ft 3 Handsome So, finally the woman seeking this might actually find it. They overlook everything else. Within a certain amount of time this man leaves them, as everywhere he goes panties are dropping. Then they conclude "All men are pigs" "All men cheat" There is a balance. If you are seeking a rock star/CEO, you will have them, but also realize other women will too. Men are typically as faithful as their options. As an extreme example try to find a rock star who does not cheat.. Men do not "settle" in the same way, as they typically have much lower and easier to obtain expectations to start with. Usually you can throw out height and income requirement for starters. That opens up millions of more options immediately.
Kamille Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I already posted this article. Do a search. Here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t144665/
Woggle Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Most of these women who demand the universe and more from a man have so little to offer themselves. If they take themselves out of the dating pool because they want some perfect man that only exists in movies they are doing a favor to real men everywhere. Just look at those women in that one video. Do you really think they are any big loss to the dating pool?
Author HiItsMe Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 We have been having this discussion endlessly on this board. Not all women disqualify guys on superficial attributes. Are some women superficial? Sure. Are all? No. This makes me wonder, again, would you settle HiItsMe? Would you approach a woman who isn't an 8 or over on the scale? Who is perhaps a bit overweight? Actually, I have.....and my email still got ignored. LOL No joke. She was a cute girl with a few extra pounds on her, granted not as big as Jabba the Hutt, but I showed her pics to some guys, and they stated, "She doesn't do it for me, too big."
Kamille Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Actually, I have.....and my email still got ignored. LOL No joke. She was a cute girl with a few extra pounds on her, granted not as big as Jabba the Hutt, but I showed her pics to some guys, and they stated, "She doesn't do it for me, too big." Glad to hear it. Too bad she didn't reply. Is on-line dating your main way to approach women? I gave the on-line thing a try and found it unsatisfactory. People do become superficial on those sites because it's basically the dating equivalent of on-line shopping. Plus I find on-line chemistry hardly ever translates into real life chemistry. Now I rely on my networks. I let friends know that I'm taking applications for possible dates and flat out ask them to set me up. I also have polished my flirting skills so that when I do see a guy I find attractive (and no, he doesn't have to be 6'3 and a high income earner), I can let him know in not so subtle ways that I'm interested. All in all my dating life has improved.
vonerik012 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 What a ridiculous video.... The woman who says you should NOT settle states... "Often times women meet their love in their 70's and 80's" LOL
Woggle Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Is it me or do those women all have snooty accent. I can't even explain it but women who are very self absorbed have this tone of voice that gives them away real quick.
vonerik012 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Woggle, my thoughts exactly.. Not one of them exuding anything sensual, sexy, mysterious, interesting, unique..Who would want to date them? Thats there problem.. Maybe they feel better claiming "I wont settle", instead of "men do not find me attractive as a female"
serial muse Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 She was a cute girl with a few extra pounds on her, granted not as big as Jabba the Hutt, but I showed her pics to some guys, and they stated, "She doesn't do it for me, too big." Those guys are so picky.
Kamille Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Is it me or do those women all have snooty accent. I can't even explain it but women who are very self absorbed have this tone of voice that gives them away real quick. Oddly enough I know exactly the tone of voice to which you're refering. A few of my friends, after getting hurt badly by the guys they thought were 'the One' watched way too many episodes of sex in the City and decided that if guys wanted them, they needed to work for it. I dislike going out with those girls because they give off this vibe where no man would ever dare approach our table. I often offer to go get everyone drinks at the bar just so I can chat up a few guys. They've often marvelled at the fact that I always seem to be dating somebody - that it seems so easy for me and I tell them: "it IS easy: I love men." (At first they would actually guffaw when I would make this statement...) They're gorgeous vibrant women with a lot to offer but I can't blame guys for not approaching them.
Author HiItsMe Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Oddly enough I know exactly the tone of voice to which you're refering. A few of my friends, after getting hurt badly by the guys they thought were 'the One' watched way too many episodes of sex in the City and decided that if guys wanted them, they needed to work for it. I dislike going out with those girls because they give off this vibe where no man would ever dare approach our table. I often offer to go get everyone drinks at the bar just so I can chat up a few guys. They've often marvelled at the fact that I always seem to be dating somebody - that it seems so easy for me and I tell them: "it IS easy: I love men." (At first they would actually guffaw when I would make this statement...) They're gorgeous vibrant women with a lot to offer but I can't blame guys for not approaching them. What's a guffaw?
Kamille Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 What's a guffaw? http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/guffaw
Author HiItsMe Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/guffaw OH, okay, I thought it was a parrot or something. Having one of those senior moments. lol.
vonerik012 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Ok, this is how I view all topics like this.. Does this just seem like "man-hating"? They interview a panel of women, and it is just assumed that they are single because they do not want to "settle".. Which implies there are few good men in America. Or "good enough" for them. What is so great about them, I have no idea. Even the woman saying women should "settle", kept making remarks about "Well there wont be a prince charming".. So anything less than the fictional fantasy land "prince charming" is settling? And women feel they are equals yet think in these terms? Will we get to a point one day, in which it is just an accepted fact that all men are pathetic losers, and any woman with a man is "settling"? So, 2 questions. 1.Where do women like this get their expectations from? Hollywood as the video suggested? 2. What are these womens elusive "requirements" that are so hard to find?
You'reasian Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 If they take themselves out of the dating pool because they want some perfect man that only exists in movies they are doing a favor to real men everywhere. Its the younger, less experienced or immature women that want the perfect man that only exists in movies; women with more experience seem to take the best of their past experiences and want all of these in one man - thus they won't settle unless said guy meets criteria (and its not the > 6 feet, CEO etc.) I have a caucasian lady friend from way back who is only interested in latin men, with a certain kind of personality, certain kind of look etc. because its what she prefers. She and I have been friends for years - her friends have even suggested that we date, but since I do not fit that category, the chemistry cannot be forced upon her.
pandagirl Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I know this is a thread about women "settling," but men also have this same exact problem. To me "settling" has a bad connotation, like "Oh well. I better just marry this person because I'm getting old and I don't want to be alone. This guy will do, even though I don't like him very much." No one should fee this way! However, I think many of us (I am guilty) have unrealistic expectations. I agree with Kamille when she said she thought love was supposed to be passionate and emotionally charged. It's thrilling, but it isn't what a good relationship is about. I, too, have become more practical. I'm not going to "settle," but I know what I want out of a partner is not unrealistic and that I will find it: a best friend, who I also want to bone.
Ocean-Blue Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 It all depends on how you define "settling", doesn't it? I mean...for me, settling is being with a man that doesn't make me weak in the knees. Simple as that. Sure there will be days when I want to kill him (and days he thinks I'm the biggest b1tch in the world)...but on the whole, there is something there. I can settle on other things...but that "feeling" I can't settle without. Sure, this zing factor exists because he has certain attributes, but it is also compelling in that it makes you overlook other factors. It's all about finding someone that makes you forget you have a list in the first place.
pandagirl Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 It all depends on how you define "settling", doesn't it? I mean...for me, settling is being with a man that doesn't make me weak in the knees. Simple as that. Sure there will be days when I want to kill him (and days he thinks I'm the biggest b1tch in the world)...but on the whole, there is something there. I can settle on other things...but that "feeling" I can't settle without. Sure, this zing factor exists because he has certain attributes, but it is also compelling in that it makes you overlook other factors. It's all about finding someone that makes you forget you have a list in the first place. I feel the opposite. I need *some* zing, but not a lot. I need to be attracted to the person, but in cultivating a longterm relationship, other things are more important than the zing. Because, guess what? The zing inevitably disappears.
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