SilkLeaves Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I really needed other people's opinions, as what my mom just told me seems rather depressing. She told me that actually loving and feeling chemistry between the person you are with is extremely rare, and often what grows is simply fondess and a different kind of love. Well, I'm quite young (late teens) and I haven't had a serious relationship yet, but I've had a few crushes and a friend I thought I was in love with - but he wasn't ready for something more. I really do love the wonderful feeling when you feel like that for someone, and would love to feel that way in a relationship. Anyway, there's a guy who is nice, but I honestly don't have any feelings for him apart from friendship and fondness. He has openly admitted to feelings for me (and is becoming quite irritating). My mom is encouraging me to persue this guy, telling me that her like of my dad grew as the relationship went on, and that to wait around for someone I'm in love with would be silly because it "Doesn't happen!" This left me extremely confused - obviously it does happen. Also, the two guys my mom has dated in her life have been people she obviously wasn't head over heels for. I don't have some weird, perfect idea of a guy in my head that no one could possibly match. I think my ideal relationship would be with someone that I really adore, was attracted to and felt the same way about me. Is this really expecting too much? Should I listen to my mom? Do most people end up settling for something their not happy with? I think I need some reassurance here!
JoeNewbie Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Just do whatever makes you happy. You cannot date a guy you are not excited about, especially not at your age. Forget your mom and listen to your heart. You are still young and you definitely will make mistakes, but that is part of life.
Ronni_W Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Uh...well, I think your mom is somewhat misguided in her thinking BUT...maybe she had in mind your age, and is trying to encourage you to date "nice guys" WHILE you are waiting for the Universe to deliver your ideal, life-long mate? At the same time though, if this particular guy is already "quite irritating" to you, then that probably would be you settling for something you don't really want. I do think it's true that a lot of people do end up settling -- but it isn't a "universal law" that we have to do that. (Maybe it happens because we listen to our well-meaning moms, dads, aunts and uncles??? And believe them as if they are speaking Gospel.) The sad part is that most of us seem to have to get to age 40 before we have our "mid-life awakening" and realize that we've settled. Then the courageous ones get divorced and the others resign themselves to a life that is far less of everything that they had dreamed and desired. But just because others are doing it, doesn't mean that you have to -- if you decide for yourself that, when it comes to life and marriage, you will not settle, then you will be fine .
The Collector Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Your mom's advice may come less from a place of well-intentioned advice and more from a place of 'I had to settle and so should you.' Get out there and have some doomed, dramatic romances with the wrong sort of men, get your heart-broken, toughen up, play men like toys, get bored of doing that, then maybe you'll be ready for Mr Right or might have to settle for Mr Satisfactory.
Woggle Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Don't settle but realize that complete 100% perfection does not exist. No matter what path you take life is not a 24/7 fantasy and if you expect that you will sorely dissapointed.
BentSpine Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I can see how your mother thinks. It won't be as good as you hope, but not as bad as you fear. What I believe happens is that people begin to value more the ability to enjoy being with each other, also when you don't have sex. Maybe this is a more calm feeling, as opposed to head over heels in love. If they find someone who shares their sense of humour, they are often willing to give this person a chance to see if physical attraction will grow as the months go by. There has to be physical attraction eventually, but perhaps not from first sight. I believe that your mother thinks that by spending time with intelligent guys, you will get the opportunity to laugh. Even if you don't like their looks, she thinks that you may discover that you like a decent looking man, who makes you laugh, more than you like to watch a silent guy's gorgeous face.
Author SilkLeaves Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Thanks for the replies, they're really helping. I do understand where my mom is coming from, but certainly in the case of the guy who currently likes me it's gone from me liking him a bit - to thinking he's quite a good friend - to me having absolutely no respect for him and wishing that he would move on and find someone who truly likes him back. I've tried to tell myself all of the good things about him but in this case it just isn't there and I don't think it will ever be. I think it's the best thing to realise this now and minimize the hurt done to him. I don't really have a Mr Right all planned out, but I would quite like to go with my heart instead of my head. Even if it doesn't work out sometimes and I get my heart broken, at least I could say I was true to myself rather than living an unhappy lie. Plus, I think to settle for someone who loved me but I didn't love back would be very unfair to the guy, and would stop his chances of finding 'true love'.
D-Jam Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 If your selection criteria doesn't rule out most of the available singles, then don't worry. If no one seems right for you, then you might need to self-examine and think about what you will be able to find in life, and what's most important to you.
Xillow Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I don't have some weird, perfect idea of a guy in my head that no one could possibly match. I think my ideal relationship would be with someone that I really adore, was attracted to and felt the same way about me. That's exactly what you should have in your mind. Love isn't about finding someone who meets a preconceived list of qualities. Love is about finding a friend, companion, and someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. I think you're starting to worry about settling down WAY too early in your life. I think in a sense your mom is a bad example. It is in no way average to only date two people before marriage. Don't feel like you have to find the right person in only two tries, or at such a young age. In many ways waiting until your 30's to get married is an excellent idea. You've still got so much time to worry about these things. I didn't hear exactly what your mom told you, or in the manner she said it, but what i think she meant is this. I interpret her meaning of "feeling chemistry" as being IN love. And there is a difference between being "IN love", and loving someone. being in love with someone is a hard thing to maintain. It usually needs excitement and fun in order to survive. simply loving someone is more about caring for them and feeling comfortable around them. I feel as though your mom's relationships lacked the excitement needed to feel the "chemistry", and her life has incorrectly taught her that it is not something obtainable by most people. You said you've had crushes, I don't know what you've been doing in response to those feelings, but you should try to build relationships with those people. Your feelings may very easily develop into something more than a crush. Is this really expecting too much? No Should I listen to my mom? No Do most people end up settling for something their not happy with? No Don't let your mom get you down. I have no doubts that you will eventually feel the chemistry your mom could not.
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I think "settling" is the wrong word. Because, in the end, you really have to decide what you can/can't live with and what you can/can't live without. No one is perfect. And in reality, we all are "settling". Some might perceive gushing romance as a must while others find they can live without it. Some might perceive such a habit as smoking a deal breaker, while others can deal with it. Some might perceive flirtatious habits as bad, while others may believe its ok. It's just a matter of what you feel you can/can't live with and what you can/can't live without.
LionLover Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 People have different views when it comes this but when you know, you just KNOW. It’s unexplainable, you feel it in your gut like you’re pulled towards that person. You feel instantly connected/bonded to them (almost like a mirrored reflection). Hard to describe, never experienced it until recently. If you feel none of that with this guy & you are not even physically attracted to him, then he is not your "ideal". Everyone has their own quirks, differences, etc., but the fondness you grow to have towards that someone comes from understanding. It's okay to heed your mom's advice but don't let her dictate what your vision of this is supposed to be. Find it out for yourself on your own, by knowing yourself.
Ronni_W Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 I think "settling" is the wrong word. Yep, that's a good point. For me, "settling" is when I know that I've accepted, for whatever reason, a relationship that does NOT satisfy many of my most important wants and needs. I'd say that we all do make (or ought to be able to make) wise and healthy "compromises" -- choices about what we'll accept, tolerate, forgive, etc. Like you say, that's self-defined and based personal likes, dislikes, preferences and desires.
Angel1111 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 To answer your original question - no, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Your mother settled a long time ago and thinks that's the way life is. That's just one interpretation. You need to marry someone that you at least love, respect and admire; and someone who lloves and cherishes you. Maybe that is hard to find but not impossible.
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