Fantasizing about change.

[katiebour]

I haven't been on here for quite a while... I've sorta been coasting through a fog this summer... can't wait for it to end. This is a loooong post.

 

The b/f and I celebrated 3 years together in mid-July. As time goes on we've become more and more entrenched in our life together, which is great maybe 50-75% of the time.

 

There are so many issues, but the #1 is sex. I want it pretty much every day, or every other day, and he really doesn't want it... at all, it seems. Every time I try to cuddle, make out, smooch, whatever... he rolls over and tries to sleep, and if I push the issue he whines that he's tired. Every time I ask, even middle or beginning of the day (so he's not tired) he says "How about tomorrow?" And then a day or two later if I'm lucky I'll get some run of the mill duty sex. It's mostly satisfying but very predictable. I don't really care about the predictable except in combination with the lack of frequency... together they make me frustrated, lonely, angry, and create huge feelings of self-loathing.

 

To put this in perspective I'm unemployed for the summer as my job takes place during the school year. I collect unemployment and cook, clean, do laundry, etc. My boyfriend is a college student, off for the summer (he's not taking any classes now) and works part-time, 20 hours or less at McDonald's. They won't give him any more hours but he doesn't really need it. He lent me money from his financial aid to eliminate the last of my credit card debt and in return I'm paying all the bills for this year. Money is a bit tight and we've been behind on a few bills... so we don't go out much. On a daily basis we play video games (World of Warcraft), watch TV, take the dog outside and occasionally to the park, eat, sleep. He works a few hours a day a few days during the week and a 5-8 hour shift on Saturdays or Sundays.

 

This illustrates two things... one, we're not stressed about work or overwork. Although money is tight I'm the one juggling the bills so the financial stress doesn't affect him as much. We get plenty of sleep so he's not exhausted.

 

He says everything is fine, he just doesn't have the urge often anymore. I'm at the end of my rope and I feel so helpless. No matter what I do I'm in a sexless relationship... and finding relief outside of it would entail breaking up. I'm a one-man woman. So I masturbate, almost daily, and feel so, so sad.

 

I mean, maybe it's me. I'm overweight (5'5", 210 lbs) and although I'm pretty, my body is not incredibly attractive. I was working out diligently for a few weeks... but I lost my motivation. I may be depressed or something. My sleep schedule is all out of whack... I go to bed at 7-11am and sleep until 6. I just feel like I'm walking through this fog all the time.

 

He helps out with the housework when I ask him to... mostly it entails me cleaning the rest of the house and saying "I left the kitchen for you." Otherwise it just doesn't get done. He leaves his dirty socks all over the house, ashtrays overflow with butts (did I mention he's a smoker? And I'm not?) and soda bottles litter the house. He drinks 3 two-liters of soda a day, mostly for the caffeine... He won't drink coffee because he doesn't like the taste. When we run out of soda he starts scrounging for change and asking me for money. I bought him a soda-maker as a birthday present... It's great except that the carbonator refills and soda syrup are more expensive then the company admitted... so we run out of supplies and then it's off to Walmart for those two liter bottles that clutter up the house because he just empties them and tosses them on the floor. Thank god I bought him a cigarette maker and supplies for 6 months or I'd be supporting his $40/week cigarette habit as constantly as the soda.

 

He likes to upset himself by reading on online political forums and then ranting about stupid people. He does this all the time, every day, also ranting about the unfairness and stupidity of people with whom we share a server on World of Warcraft. It's gotten to the point where I kind of try to listen, out of respect for him, but I end up tuning it out and responding with an endless litany of "uh huh..." "yep.." "right.." because it's the same thing over and over again. It's like a cross between the five-year old who babbles constantly and the old man who tells the same stories over and over.

 

We live in his college town and all of his close friends who were also in school have moved away. We have no social life outside of each other. Our families live 1/2 hour and an hour away, but an hour drive is too expensive with gas for me to go see mine regularly (and I don't really care to socialize with my stepmom) and his family, although I like them, sits around and talks about "the good old days" when they were younger, etc. Obviously I don't know all the people they talk about, like "remember when John-so-and-so and I went driving and got into that fight?" or "remember when Susie-so-and-so was dating Billy-such-and-such?" In all honesty their family gatherings bore me and although they have a TV I'm not much of a TV watcher, plus I'm slightly hearing-impaired so I prefer to watch TV with captions. They only have Westerns on most of the time anyway.

 

Which leaves us back, alone, in this 8,000 person college town in the Midwest. I'm from Oregon, most recently the Portland Metro area, with a population of a couple million people and lots of stuff to do. My mother, sister, and all of my good friends live in Portland. I haven't seen them for over a year.

 

We live in a trailer that we bought for $100. We had a lot of plans to fix it up... most of the fixes have been-half done and shoddily so. I bought paint, spackle to fill in the walls, texturing compound... Now he says he wants to put up wallpaper. My kitchen cabinets were old and ugly... He and his stepdad took the fronts off of some somewhat nicer and newer-looking particle-board cabinets and attached the front to the current cabinets. One of the doors has a screw that came out, and so the cabinet door is only held in place by one hinge and a cabinet latch... I asked him to fix it weeks ago but apparently since he does none of the cooking having a functional cabinet isn't that important. Another of my cabinet latches came undone because the screw won't hold in the particle board... Still unfixed. The last time I brought it up he suggested I fix it myself.

 

I don't like watching some of the tv shows he likes... He thinks my cooking shows are boring. I'm all excited about the Olympics... he could care less. He's a Republican/Independent; I'm a Democrat.

 

I just don't know what to do. I keep fantasizing about transferring my job and moving back to Portland. I tend to lose weight when I'm single... when I met him I was 40 pounds slimmer. But somehow when I'm in a relationship the pounds pack on. I feel ucky, unwanted, poor, lonely, sad, and tired.

 

I don't even know what I would do if I did move to Portland... I have no savings. I know my mother or my friends would house me, and I'm sure I could easily find a job, probably transfer within my own company.

 

But I'm here, with a man who for all his faults is honest, trustworthy, kind, loving (to the cats and to me platonically), caring in some ways (he likes to buy books and chocolate for me when we can afford it), funny, handsome, intelligent, hardworking (one of the best employees at this job and at his previous job... at his previous job he worked 10 hour shifts 7 days on, then 7 days off... and for 4 years straight never took a day off except when a friend was dying.) We love to play video games together, do tabletop role-playing a la AD&D when we get a chance, watch some tv shows that we both like, get cool movies from Netflix and watch together, play with our dog together, talk about technology, etc. He does little things, like making me a sandwich when I'm too lazy to get one myself, hehe. At times he really does wait on me.

 

We have similar views on religion (agnostic/atheist-leaning/non-practicing), similar views on drinking and drugs (neither of us do either, except chocolate for me is a drug, and soda and cigarettes are his controlled substances of choice.) When he's not ranting we do have good discussions... not a lot recently but life has been pretty dull for both of us this summer; once the school year restarts for him and work restarts for me I know things will change a lot. He'll have financial aid and I'll have a regular paycheck and socializing at work, so money won't be an issue and I won't be so lonely.

 

I'm already feeling a bit better thinking about the start of the school year. Maybe this summer has just amplified all the little things that bug me because we're so house-bound.

 

By the way please don't suggest counseling or anything that costs money... I've got student loans to pay off and don't even have health insurance. I can't afford counseling although I'm sure it wouldn't hurt.

 

I do fantasize a lot about changing my life... but I'm turning 29 in a few weeks. I want to be settled. I'm with a good man who will be an excellent provider when he graduates from school, is very responsible, loves kids, and is all of the wonderful things I listed above, as well as all the not-so-wonderful little things.

 

I told him I loved him after we'd been dating for 6 months... He's told me he loves me about 3 times total in 3 years. I feel like I love him, in my head, although I haven't felt it so much in my heart lately due to lack of intimacy.

 

I just hope things get better soon. I really don't want to end this and start all over again, and although I'd like to move back "home" to Oregon I don't want to leave him.

[luvstarved]

Katie this sounds like an awful rut you are in. I am in a very similar one. You are not in the relationship that you want, but you are with the person that you want...you just want things to be a little...different, as in, you want to feel cherished and loved, and you want to cherish him and love him too, like you once did. But, I think as you continue to fail to get from him what you want, your feelings for him in turn become subdued and despite yourself, little resentments start to creep in...and what is to be done about it????

 

I wish I knew as I am fighting the same battle.

 

I'm going to get the controversial comment out of the way: I do think you should work on the weight. I know that a lot of women will say that the guy should love the inner them, etc but I think women are unfair to men on this score. You don't need to try to be a skinny minnie, he obviously was fine with you 40 pounds ago. Maybe he is now, but it is overall a win win to keep weight in a healthy range. I don't know why women (me included) will work so hard to get themselves looking good to "catch" a man then let themselves go afterward...I have this tendency too but I try to fight it. The bottom line is that men get the message that we don't care enough about them or ourselves to stay healthy and attractive, and that is important to them whether we like it or not. And I think if most women are honest, they feel the same way...maybe more about the loss of "romance" than "looks", but I will admit that when my SOs in the past let themselves go, at some point I looked at them and had fleeting "ugh" thoughts or feelings of embarrassment to be with them. So maybe I am an a**hole too, but I think I'm just human...

 

OK end of that little rant...otherwise, I know you do not have money but there must be a library??? Can you get books on relationships? Maybe try to find some with some quizzes/exercises you can do as a couple? Have you asked him if he feels similar or had any direct "relationship talk" at all? I wonder how it would work if you tried to tell him just how important the sex part is to you...? In my case, it got my husband back into action but not with enthusiasm so I am pretty much back in the same boat of not feeling desired and about at the point of just saying, never mind, go back to your bathroom fantasies...

 

Do you know whether he is satisying himself, or just has no libido at all?? It would have made some difference if my H had not been into "it" vs not being into "me". In particular, I would have felt a lot freer to suggest physical exams, etc...

 

Otherwise I don't have much to offer as I am not really succeeding in my M with my efforts either. So...I probably should not say anything at all!!!

 

But I do sympathize completely with your feeling that you don't want to give up. You are younger than me and could no doubt find another relationship...but I also truly understand what you mean about not wanting to let this relatively good one go. I also value my husband's loyalty, clean living, reliability, funness to be with going places, etc...and have been in enough other relationships to not want to deal with any of the "dealbreaker" issues they eventually brought to the table...

 

Anyway I wish you luck. The only other suggestion I can give is to try hard every day to keep a positive attitude. You cannot sweep problems under the rug, but you can try to minimize the impact they have on you emotionally, and you can try to focus on your partner with kindness and understanding, even if he does not seem to do the same.

 

Your partner may be similarly bored, and bored people can tend to cruise into becoming boring. That could be happening on both sides. Try to shake things up a bit, do something different, that's free!!

 

As for the sexless part, it might be possible that he feels "commanded" as I think my H does, although he won't admit it. Try the other stuff, try to keep your thinking "light" and let some time pass, not asking for sex. If he feels commanded, then he will probably come around afte some period of time when he feels like he is initiating. If that does not happen, then you need to sit down and have a talk with him about it...saying not that you must have more sex, but that not having it is an issue for you and what suggestions does he have for you to help you deal with it (I think it is always better to start off with "I have a problem" than with "You have a problem". Honestly it does not work well for me because my H just jumps in with "yeah you are a problem" but I still think it works better than starting on him because that ends up with a more colorful version with "I am not the problem, YOU are..." with anger, etc...)

 

Good luck, Katie and keep us posted...I hope you can work through this (and yes starting work should help too...)

[katiebour]

Thanks for the reply luv.

 

As for the controversial comment... I don't think it's controversial. I did try, and did really well for a few weeks, with exercising every day, walking the dog for an hour, working out with Gilad on FitTV, etc... but I hate exercise and I fell out of it. Thanks for your encouragement. I will try again... as soon as I finish this post I will go grab the iPod and take the dog for a walk

 

And yes, you've hit it exactly. It's the right person, just the wrong dynamic in the relationship. I've tried to talk with him, and we have talked, but when I tell him how important sex is to me, and ask him what he thinks we should do, he just says "I don't know." He doesn't say that he'll try harder or anything. He just shrugs and that's the end of the conversation. It's like talking to a wall.

 

I asked him if he would consider seeing a doctor (low testosterone?) and he just replied somewhat defensively "would you see a doctor?" I felt like saying "I'm not the one with the non-existent libido" but I held my tongue as that sort of comment just starts an argument.

 

He's not masturbating... he just doesn't have the urge. And we've masturbated together in the past, he doesn't have any hangups about including me, he just has no urge for sex.

 

I will try to keep a positive attitude. And as for being demanding, etc, I tried waiting for several weeks... he never initiated. I have gotten so tired of being rejected that I don't really try much any more to get him in the mood... just every two weeks or so when I can't handle it anymore I just basically plead with him for sex... I think he gives it to me with a measure of guilt. He knows he's not satisfying me.

 

I asked him why he doesn't want to have sex... he essentially equated his desire for sex to my feelings about exercise... Saying that it's a lot of effort to do something you don't really want to do anyway... "Try coming home and then wanting to go for a 10-mile run" was his comment.

 

I will try harder to work out and eat right. It's about all I can do.

[Ronni_W]

He's not masturbating... he just doesn't have the urge.

In the past week, there was a post about an asexual partner. I googled and the FAQs at 'asexuality.org' seem to have good info. The site does recommend a medical/physical to rule out chemical or hormonal imbalances, though.

 

Personally, I would say, "Yes, of course I'll also see a doctor...after all, this is causing BOTH OF US distress. We are in this together, Hon."

[CarrieT]

In the past week, there was a post about an asexual partner. I googled and the FAQs at 'asexuality.org' seem to have good info. The site does recommend a medical/physical to rule out chemical or hormonal imbalances, though.

 

Personally, I would say, "Yes, of course I'll also see a doctor...after all, this is causing BOTH OF US distress. We are in this together, Hon."

 

That might have been me - I just ended my three-year relationship because the past 19 months have been 100% sexless. In my case, it turned out that my BF was an alcoholic and replaced his sexual urgings with alcoholic ones.

 

I was also similar in that I was 5'4" and just north of 200 pounds. I HAVE lost 50 pounds but that didn't seem to make a difference. Our stories sound similar in that he smoked and I didn't, I did all the cleaning, he was a Republican and I, a Democrat, etc., etc...

 

Obviously you have to do what is best for you; for me, it was ending the relationship because neither of us were happy. All I can say is I wish you the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

I asked him why he doesn't want to have sex... he essentially equated his desire for sex to my feelings about exercise... Saying that it's a lot of effort to do something you don't really want to do anyway... "Try coming home and then wanting to go for a 10-mile run" was his comment.

Doesn't it seem like there's a lot of anger behind that comment? Seems like something is missing, either in your post or your perception of the situation. Your BF seems very hostile towards you and sex (or the lack of it on his part) is the way he's chosen to express it. Add in his unwillingness to talk about something obviously important to you and there's a clear message there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katiebour]

Thanks for the website, Ronni, I will check it out.

 

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you Carrie. My b/f doesn't have a drinking issue, definitely, because he doesn't drink at all. He's a "clean living" guy as luvstarved put it.

 

I asked my b/f today to help me get fit... I told him I'd make him a deal in that I would walk the dog for an hour every day, and if I did it 7 days a week, he could motivate me by rewarding me with nookie twice a week. I told him he also had the option of owing me one or walking the dog with me in lieu of sex if he was tired or if I was on my period (he won't touch me with a 10-foot pole when I'm having my period.) And if I miss a day of walking the dog I lose a day of nookie. He said "Your weight doesn't bother me... I think it bothers you more the way my hairline bothers me more," (he's losing his hair a bit.) I responded that I couldn't help but think he would have more desire if I was more attractive... He just kinda shrugged noncommittally.

 

But he was up for trying it, so I guess we'll see how it works out. Took the dog for a walk yesterday and gonna do it today as soon as it gets light out. I get my first reward on Monday hopefully

 

And yes, Mr. Lucky, it was an angry comment. It was made at the end of yet another discussion quite a while back about our lack of a sex life. I think it was simply that I had asked him again and again what was wrong, was it me, was he still attracted to me, did he still love me, etc...

 

He says repeatedly that he is still in love with me romantically, and that he finds me attractive... it's simply that sex is exhausting/boring/tiring?? Read what you will about the "running 10 miles comment."

 

You know, the really funny thing is that neither he nor I have any hangups about sex. We're both nominally members of the "alt" crowd in that we like to be kinky... In prior relationships he was into bondage/submission and the like. He's a sub... and so am I actually. And that kind of made things awkward when we tried things out because domination doesn't come naturally to me, and he's a passive-aggressive kinda guy sexually... He wants to be a sub and yet he wants to control the situation so that you're giving him what he wants only... it's an odd dynamic. We weren't able to really incorporate that aspect into our bedroom life... which is great even if it is vanilla.

 

*shrug* In any case he's not embarrassed or religiously or emotionally scarred about sex in any way. He doesn't have any problems physically with engaging in sex, no ED or anything like that. The only thing I think is a bit of an issue is that A) he is circumcised and B) he has a piercing right through the head... I think he's much less sensitive due to both of those things. So I don't know if that could add to the boredom/tired/asexual factor.

 

So Mr. Lucky, I think that the anger on his part stemmed simply from my continuing to ask him what was wrong... and my unwillingness to simply let our lack of a sex life rest. I really am at a loss. Soo...

 

I guess I'll go check out that website.

[Phateless]

Katie - I feel for you. Lack of sex is brutal... My honest and harsh opinion? If he's not interested in sex, he may be losing interest in you. I hate that I have to say it, but that's my take on it and you're here for answers, not sugar coating.

 

You should be getting fit for yourself, not for him. Also, you need to constantly push the envelope as far as your workout goes. Maybe make sure you up the pace and up the distance a tiny bit every day? What's effective now won't be effective once you make progress. As you lose weight, your workouts will have to become more intense so that you continue to lose weight and not just maintain your status quo. Also, "eating right" is a very vague term these days. Buying "low fat" snacks will not help you because they're still full of partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and the like, which is even worse for you than the fat it is meant to replace. When I switched everything in my diet to the organic version of the exact same thing, my results from my usual workout exploded.

 

Read ingredients rather than labels. Just because it's labeled "low fat" or "reduced fat" does not mean it's anything you want to eat.

 

Whole wheat rather than white bread. Multi-grain cereal instead of cheerios or corn-flakes. Spinach rather than iceberg lettuce. High quality, organic chicken rather than the cheap stuff. It makes a difference. And again, truly good food won't have a bunch of stuff you can't pronounce or can't identify in the list of ingredients.

 

As for your guy... with my gf I noticed that when I stopped maintaining myself separate from the relationship is when things started going bad, and when the sex started dropping off. I took more time for myself, the gym, my friends, and got a new haircut, and the sex came back full force.

 

We're here for you.

[katiebour]

Thanks for your input Phate. I have asked him, up front, if he was no longer interested/in love with me. I have asked him up front if he wants me to leave. I gave him his out if he wanted it, and he vehemently denied that he wanted the relationship to end. I'm taking him at his word.

 

As for getting fit for me... Of course I do want to be fit. But I have tried and tried and the motivation just isn't there. I HATE exercise. I really wish I liked it, and have tried all kinds of things, martial arts, kickboxing, activities that I liked as a kid like swimming, etc. None of it beats an hour in front of the computer with a snack and a soda. But then again my mother, who has the same problem with weight, has always told me that most people don't like exercise... you just have to get out and do it anyway. I'm trying. Having an incentive helps. If I had money to spare I'd give myself 5 bucks for every workout, but seeing that I'm poor, I'm trying to kill two birds with one stone and work in sex in the relationship and a reward for exercise.

 

I know quite a lot about fitness, health, natural vs processed foods, etc. I'm actually a cook by profession and I do try to work as much whole grain and unprocessed, low-sugar low-carb healthy goodness into my diet as possible. The biggest problem right now goes right back to finances... the last few months our meager kitchen supplies have been courtesy of the food pantry... We haven't had the money to buy food, period, much less fresh veggies and organic chicken. I'm still $300 behind on the gas bill. We don't qualify for food stamps because my boyfriend is only getting part-time hours at his work this summer, and very few places in this tiny town have the need for summer-only help, as that is when the students are all gone.

 

As for maintaining myself, etc... My habits when I'm single don't change from when I'm not except I cook more. I think when I was single I only ate once or twice a day, and I was so sad and lonely that I slept most of the time rather than eating. Not a healthy way to lose weight, obviously. I have never been a gym rat or an exercise freak.

 

I'm trying to get into the habit of exercise.

 

If things between us don't change for the better in the next year or two, I will have to think very seriously about where this relationship is going. I was all gung-ho about getting married, kinda obsessed with it really from about 19 or so... And although I think once he graduates he would propose... I don't think at this point that I would accept. Obviously this unhappy situation does not bode well for a lifetime committment; if he's willing to change and compromise, we'll see.

 

I'm going to just work on me the best I can, hope that things between us improve, and see what happens. Either way it's been a learning experience for me, both in trying to improve my fitness and losing my obsession with getting married.

 

But I have to give him a chance first. He's agreed to my workout-for-a-sex-reward plan... We'll see if it sticks.

[katiebour]

Oh and thanks for the website Ronni. I checked it out, and although the concept of a truly asexual person is something to think about, I hate to automatically slap a label on the b/f. I still think the medical avenue should be checked out first... But certainly if things don't improve between us I will tell him about the website and see what he thinks. If he truly is asexual then I'll have to decide if that is something I can live with, and see to what point he would be willing to accomodate me regardless of his lack of desire.

[Lyssa]

Hi Katie - everyone has given you good insights.

 

Is there any way for you to get to any stairs? I was too lazy to work out in the past - what I did was I took the stairs instead of the elevator. My office was on the 10th floor and I took the stairs - up and down everyday. It worked out well for my legs and buttocks. It helped with losing the weight as well. It doesn't take the weight off a lot but it helps in small ways. Other than that, maybe you can run with your dog instead of walking sometimes?

[Walk]

To me, it sounds like your bf is just being lazy. I mean, you have to corral him into doing housework, home repair projects are half-azzed or set aside completely, sex is too much work.

 

If he's not normally like this then it may be a symptom of depression. But if you're tight on money, having that checked out isn't really an option right now. Is his behavior (other then lack of sex) fairly normal for him?

 

I can commiserate on the lack of sex though. I get it once a week from my H. But he's on medication that really stifles the libido. The frustration can really build up! The big difference is that my H has stated on several occasions that he's more then happy to satisfy me even if he isn't aroused. That I think is the big killer in your relationship... your bf isn't attempting to work with you on the problem. He's left it up to you to resolve. There isn't a team effort. In my mind, that's the whole point of being in a relationship.. the team effort to resolve problems. To attempt to make our partners lives better or happier, and vice versa. If that doesn't exist, then its much much easier to be single then in a relationship.

 

I hate exercise, but I love exploring. If you're finding it hard to get motivated then maybe plan a couple days where you and your dogs could explore a nature preserve or something. The ones around here have great walking paths.

 

Is your bf overweight too? I was just thinking that that might be a factor in his lowered libido. If he's drinking three 3 liters of pop a day, he's sucking down some massive calories. Most people would be hard pressed to keep weight off drinking that much soda. Not sure you can really do much about that even if he is overweight...

 

In my opinion, I think its time to move on. He hasn't shown the desire or motivation to find a workable solution to your problems. He seems more like a child then a partner. One you are required to take care of. It seems like more work then its worth. Kind of like how you bf stated its too much work to have sex. Why is he worth the work of keeping the relationship alive? I've found that the majority of people need a huge slap in the face before they're willing to find the motivation to reapply themselves. I don't think you're bf will change until you're ready to walk out that door. Maybe you could clue him in on what the outcome of not being an active participant in your relationship could be.

[Ronni_W]

although the concept of a truly asexual person is something to think about, I hate to automatically slap a label on the b/f.

You have no idea how pleased I am to hear that -- too many people use "labels" to stop working on whatever the problem is. Definitely just use it to inform and guide (both of) your next steps.

 

I am sorry for your situation -- it's a difficult and delicate issue, for both. All around feeling "bad" about self and "mad" about other.

 

Hopefully your new strategy will have positive effects, that you (both) can transform into permanent new behaviour. I think, in the long-term, it likely will get to you that his having sex with you is just part of a "deal"...conditional on you doing this thing, then he'll "reward" you by doing that.

 

Other thing for consideration is that your weight gain may have been a (subconscious?) response to what you had already started to perceive as his diminishing interest. That happened to me. Kind of giving myself a "reason" why he was losing interest -- that way I didn't have to feel ugly and unattractive...just fat .

 

Reason I mention it is cos, if there may be some of that, body may not respond as effectively to a new diet and fitness regimen -- subconscious is still gonna be working hard to stay "just fat".

 

Book that is really helpful to start establishing sexual closeness (without focusing on orgasm) is 'The Art of Sexual Ecstasy' by Margo Anand. Kind of helps couples to "start at the very beginning" again.

 

Best of luck.

[Phateless]

I think it's complete BS that most people don't love exercise. Little kids LOVE running around and playing and jumping and falling and crashing. It's human nature. Americans are lazy and we get used to having everything done for us. You just have to find something you enjoy that provides exercise. I used to not be able to stand going to the gym because it bored me out of my gourd, but mountain biking was a rush. I didn't even notice the exercise when I was out there all day. Swing and salsa dancing are a blast. That keeps me so fit that I recently hiked half dome and it was cake. That's 16.5 miles. Dancing is my ONLY cardio. I had no clue that it would be enough training for that hike. I was worried beforehand. I love the gym now, but I've grown accustomed to it. I clear my head and release my frustration and anger into the weights, and it works. You just need to find exercise you enjoy and decide that you won't make excuses for yourself. You have to retrain your mind and reframe your own thoughts.

 

Do some googling for "affirmations" or "affirmation statements." They help.

 

Exercise releases endorphins, you know...

[katiebour]

Thanks for your input Walk. I think he might be a bit depressed... either about money, all his friends moving away, nothing to do in this town, and so on. Plus I know like any guy he wants to provide for us, and he's not really capable of doing that right now. He always seems to perk up around payday (who doesn't?) Yesterday he brought me home a salad and a coffee from work and was happy as he always is when I thanked him. It's his little way of being able to provide for me, I think.

 

Some degree of sloppiness has always been a problem for him... but I think the enforced isolation and idleness in the house is exacerbating the problem for both of us. We're both eager for the start of the school year.

 

I really don't know if my b/f would be willing to satisfy me without having to go the whole nine yards himself... I haven't really been able to ask because every time intimacy comes up he gets cranky and stressed out. I'll have to try asking him next time if he would be willing or rather just do that. <shrug>

 

And no, my b/f isn't overweight... He had a tiny bit of a belly when he was drinking regular soda, but he got self-concious and switched to diet and it came right off. To put that in perspective he's 6'4" and 170 lbs... He's got a 30ish inch waist and almost no meat on him anyway. He's just a tall skinny guy and always has been. He can eat pretty much anything (and does) without worrying about it. Some people have all the luck!

 

In some ways he is very much more like a child than a partner... but then again I have my moments too. Whenever I call from another room and ask him to come snuggle with me, or bring me something cause I'm too lazy, or to come get rid of a tiny bug that's got me climbing the walls... You get the picture. But if my car's got problems he's the first to take a look at it and try and fix it for me... He took the siding for our house off an abandoned one and put it back on all by himself... He built us a shed by hand. You know? It's not like that's all there is to him. And like I said, although I certainly contribute more in the house cleaning and cooking departments, if I don't want to do something I just tell him it's his job and (most of the time) it will get done in a day or two.

 

Having been in two prior relationships where I lived with someone for over 2 years, I can say that his behavior is fairly typical. In terms of his kindness and sweetness, and his desire to take care of and protect myself, our pets, his friends, and his family, he is without peer.

 

I could certainly dump him for a guy who does more cleaning... But that guy might be an alcoholic, a wife-beater, a cheater, a liar, a gambler, a perpetually unemployed mooch... You know what I'm saying? For all the small stuff that I have to put up with, it could certainly be MUCH worse. And I'm sure I give him plenty of small stuff to put up with too.

 

If things don't get better I will certainly have to evaluate things down the road and decide if it's worth it. But having said that I have to give him the opportunity to improve, and we haven't even hit our first "nookie Monday" yet.

 

In a related note I have been taking the dog for a walk for an hour (about 3-4 miles) every morning. The dog is happier, I'm living with it, and I'm looking forward to my reward tomorrow And I found $11 on the side of the road this morning! Score!

 

Thanks Ronni for your reply. I'm hoping that this strategy will work out positively for both of us. One thing I got out of checking that website out was that some asexuals preferred setting a "sex schedule" with their sexual partners so that they knew what was expected from them as far as meeting their partner's needs. Whether my b/f is asexual or not, having a clear understanding of how often he needs to satisfy me may be something that is helpful to him. And making me happy makes him happy, so I'm hoping it will be a win/win all around.

 

I don't know if the weight gain is a subconcious thing. If it is there may not be much I can do about it... Just try to eat healthier (I'm having a single serving of plain oatmeal and milk in the morning just after my workout, and trying to minimize snacks and junk for a start) and working out more is what I can do. After I feel like I've gotten into a routine with the morning walks I may add an evening walk to the dog park so the puppy can socialize, and/or some weightlifting/swimming at the university's workout area. But I'm taking it slowly for now so that I can solidify a routine and work up to a more strenuous bit of exercise.

 

I'm feeling a bit of trepidation at the thought of winter coming on... It starts snowing in November and doesn't stop until April in this part of the world. I want to make sure I can keep up the exercise even through the inclement parts of the year... Maybe walking indoors at the university's indoor track, swimming, or doing fitness routines off of the tv... I dunno how it will work out but I'm gonna keep doing the best I can. I hope I can keep the dog exercised and happy too.

 

I will think about taking a look at the book... thanks for the recommendation.

 

Thanks for the post Phate, and I understand exactly what you're saying. In fact I love all kinds of ballroom dancing myself... and if I had the money I would totally join a dancing club. But there isn't one in this tiny town, and the university's dancing classes are extremely limited and generally only offered to theatre majors.... Argh. Believe me, I've already checked this. There is a salsa dancing thing offered a few times a week during the school year... I wanted to go last year but it was at 4-5... and I was at work during those hours. I will certainly see if I can work it into my schedule this year, work permitting.

 

I need to get a new tube for my front bike tire, and have the b/f put it back on the bike for me. But now that I have that $11 windfall, I think we'll get that done today. I wouldn't mind some biking around town.

 

I will definitely work at continuing what I've started with the morning walks and also adding in some additional exercise. It helps that the walks moderate the dog's behavior during the day, and that makes our lives much easier as well, getting all that crazy puppy energy out. I may not like doing it for me, but I'll definitely do my best to keep doing it for her.

 

I dunno about the whole affirmation statements thing though. My mom does that kinda thing, taping motivational statements to her mirror, etc. And I think my mom is pretty goofy. If it works for her, great, but it's not really my kinda thing. Thanks for the thought though.

[Phateless]

I'm talking about inventing your own. When I'm feeling insecure I will slap myself upside the head internally and remind myself that "dude, she loves you! it's fine. shut your crazy @$$ up!" and it helps.

 

Good for you on the walking and biking, that's an excellent start! Keep it up, and make sure you always keep pushing and adding more. Get to any kind of dancing - it's fun, and you'll make new friends which will raise your spirits.

 

Honestly, some of the best advice I ever got came from a bout of procrastination. I decided to google "procrastination" (yes, as a way of avoiding doing my work) and i found some interesting articles. I emailed a few of them to my friends, who were amused at the circumstances under which I did my research. The best reply came from my charming, handsome, cocky, arrogant, player of a friend who said simply, "Those articles are all well and good, but ultimately, YOU control your own actions, and no amount of psychobabble or self analysis changes that."