Fake it til you make it

[jj33]

I know the old adage never let em see you sweat etc etc etc.

 

Myabe it wont be an issue when I am well and fully past this but I need a strategy for the interim. In the past few months I have enjoyed being in contact with MM not just because he is a nice guy (despite the obvious) but of course also because that "special connection" that we refer to as an emotional A was still present.

 

That ship has sailed. The process of working through all the anger and hurt and packaging it up and throwing it out the door rather than feeling it and then hoping he might see the light eventually during the course of ths friendship has left me with little interest in that special connection for the moment.

 

After Labor Day rolls around we will be back in full swing at work. And its showtime. And while past performance is not a guarantee of the future (thank God thats only a good thing with a profitable mutual fund) unless I am very lucky, he will once again use work as a reason to be in contact far more than is necessary. In the past when I have tried to maneuver so that we are not in the same place at the same time he has accused me of bringing personal issues into business (d*mn right). When I have been cooler to him on the phone same thing.

 

I dont want to flatter him by saying look its too difficult for me lets just keep the nonessential contact to a minimum. But hey when someone rejects you do you really have to keep them close and dear? He said its over. So its over. So leave me alone. But I cant say that to him. It would cause bad repurcussions at work.

 

The best I can think of is to simply be a bit cooler when I have to interact with him and just say I am very busy. If he says I am dragging in personal issues I can use his tactic and deny it. I dont want to stoop to that level but I think it may be the only option.

 

The fake it til you make it approach seems to be the only good option here. Eventually it will be true. I am busy and eventually the fact that I dont have the old gushy sweet attitude towards him will have nothing to do with the fact that I feel badly about interacting with him. It will just be because I am busy and have other priorities.

 

I wondered if anyone else had any other suggestions.

 

PS You know in many ways this is no different than getting over any other break up. The difference is single guys dont generally keep hounding you for attention after they dump you.

 

I thought men had a code you dont sleep with someone who are too drunk to know whats happening and when you break someone's heart you leave them alone. You dont hang around and suck the life out of them.

[CAMAYPARK]

Yes, by all means fake it till you make it, JJ33. I wish you good luck and hope that you are on the mend soon.

 

Don't let him see how emotionally attached you still are to him. Be cool, play cool and one day soon it will all be true, you will no longer have to pretend.

[Ronni_W]

If he says I am dragging in personal issues I can use his tactic and deny it.

jj,

yes, be as busy and unavailable as you can. I am not sure your work relationship but why not call him on his crap, when he tries to manipulate you by suggesting that you're dragging in personal issues to work?

 

To effect of, "Oh, my...I didn't realize that I wasn't being as efficient and productive as ever. Where are you noticing the deterioration in my work? I'll really appreciate your professional, objective input. And be assured that, effective immediately, I'll be extra careful about not producing poor quality work that would reflect badly on our employer." Etc., etc. Something like that.

 

To which, of course, he'll have no response...and then just smile at him like one smiles at a crazy person, and shake your head sadly while rolling your eyes.

 

Now, if he is in a supervisory position, one would need to temper all of it accordingly, but can still make it ALL about work, I think.

[jj33]

Thanks. Thats good advice I can make it all about work and need not make him the first person whose things I attend to no matter what else is going on. We dont work for the same company. His company and my company do business together and we work on a lot of the same accounts. I cant switch. I have a very good job and its not worth hurting my career over him especially in this economy. I have to get over this.

 

The issue comes up most often with the marketing events - I end up leaving early or coming late to avoid him or trying not to attend small things where I know he will be present (which is where he often calls me out). And its not good for me. I need to be there regardless of whether he is there. That being said he has been taken aback when he has seen me at certain things where he didnt think I would be. Its a small world last time we went through this we ran into each other on the street the 2nd day of NC. But this will be the last NC. I am determined to get past it this time.

[Ronni_W]

And its not good for me. I need to be there regardless of whether he is there.

Ah, yes...that is different.

How about a totally different kind of response, then? -- "Well, yes, how do you expect otherwise? After all, I am a whole, emotionally healthy individual...I do not even want to know how to be able to split my personality and leave some part of me someplace else. And, to my regret, my memory will not eliminate you or the fact that I had a personal relationship with you...so, yes of course, that part of me comes to work, too. How did YOU think it was gonna work? (Do you have any tips on how I can reshape these particular memories?)"

 

Basically just treat his wrong accusations/statements as him demonstrating his idiocy by stating the "obvious". (I'm guessing you don't care what he thinks so much as just want him to stop bothering you?)

[SeaBrooke]

JJ33,

 

I would want to tell him where the dog died. But, I imagine you are really not wanting to make things worse. I would dread his calls. I feel bad you have to deal with him at all.

 

He knowingly taunts you about it too. He's expoliting your sensitivies.

I'm not fond of people who exert power and position over others, i see it as abusive. Especially since he once shared your bed. Sorry he does this to you.

 

IF you are at work, and most of this contact is phone calls? or if not JJ,

the ones that are. Use the hold button on your phone. If he starts to grill you about your behavior towards him, remove yourself. I'm sorry can you hold for a minute... hit the button. It gives you a minute to gain your power back in a business like way.

 

When you pick the phone back up, if he makes a remark about your behavior towards him being different, Tell him you treat him no differently than any other business call. I trust you have been doing what you've been doing for sometime now career wise. Remind him your manner of handling business has served you well through the years, answer his business inquiry, and end the call. You can do this being polite. But matter of fact, sprinkled with some lightness. But end the call as soon as possible. You could also tell him, you are busy and have no desire or time to discuss this each and every time he calls. Then put him on hold.

 

People hate the hold button! Let him wait. Eventually he will catch on.

I've done it, it works.

 

Now if you see him at meetings etc. WHen he approaches you...If you are uneasy, excuse yourself after a brief hello, and go to the restroom.

breathe, get your wits about you, and when you go back, egage yourself with another person, so he can not appraoch you about your personal past with him.

 

I'm not sure if any of this will help but, might be worth a try.

 

Take care

[jj33]

Thanks. I have been wondering why I am so weak that I couldnt get past it but he is dragging it on with his behavior. I would like to think he doesnt mean to taunt me but it feels like he is picking at the wound when really I think he is just doing what suits him being in touch as much as is comfortable for him on whatever level is comfortable for him. I know I have to ignore him and rise above it but it hurts. I dont have a hold button but I do have a mute button and I could ask him to hold for a moment. Or I could say just say I am busy and have to run which is true work is very busy and I dont have time to chit chat. The thing is he is one of those people who has to beleive everyone is his friend and that we are special friends. When he hears how painful it is for me he says its been over for so long why am i still putting this guilt trip on him. So I am careful now to say I am not blaming him its my issue. Which it is. He doesnt want to discuss it either he just wants things his way. Which is me being sweet and fun and amusing. He says I amuse him, its like that old movie - I amuse you? What am I a clown?

 

Thanks again.

[jj33]

Ah, yes...that is different.

How about a totally different kind of response, then? -- "Well, yes, how do you expect otherwise? After all, I am a whole, emotionally healthy individual...I do not even want to know how to be able to split my personality and leave some part of me someplace else. And, to my regret, my memory will not eliminate you or the fact that I had a personal relationship with you...so, yes of course, that part of me comes to work, too. How did YOU think it was gonna work? (Do you have any tips on how I can reshape these particular memories?)"

 

Basically just treat his wrong accusations/statements as him demonstrating his idiocy by stating the "obvious". (I'm guessing you don't care what he thinks so much as just want him to stop bothering you?)

 

You have no idea how much that makes me smile. I have said a toned down version of that in the past. I would love to say that directly but couldnt. If I said it again now, after all this time (after all lets remember he doesnt credit the last year as anything but friendship with some admittedly bad behavior on his part like pleading for me to give him another chance and each time I started to consider it backing away) he would not take it well. And I cant harm my career by being at odds with him. Its much better for us to get along then for us to not get along.

 

I know I am not the first person to be in this situation and certainly wont be the last. Again it would be no different if he were single. I went thorough this once with a single guy many years ago. Its this thing certain people have where they want to treat you like you are still special to each other and in doing so they dont give you a chance to heal. I do believe they think they are doing the right thing not treating you like a stranger after sharing their bed and it makes them feel good to still have your by their side (even if its only by phone or email). I dont think its meant badly but its not productive if you are having difficulty putting the past behind you. His standard response to all this is that he hates to think I am torturing myself like this and should just put it behind me. More recently its that its too bad "what we had" has affected me so badly. What did he think, that I was going to make little scrap books of our time together and look back wistfully? Apparently so... Maybe thats what you do if you are the married person looking back fondly on the various relationships that have gotten you by over the years? I hope in time I can look back more fondly but at the moment it just feels like it was a total trainwreck and here I am a year later still staring at the tracks.

 

Thanks again. I have to suck it up. Its funny hes so good at sucking it up if he knew how frequently I was posting and whining about this he would think I was severely unbalanced. Perhaps that wouldnt be a bad thing at this point it would diminish all contact. LOL

[wildsoul]

Detachment.

Detachment.

Detachment.

 

Some very simple bottom-line boundaries would be good too. 1-3 codes of conduct you make for yourself, that you can remember to do, even if you start feeling crazy/confused/overwhelmed in the moments of being around him.

 

e.g.

 

No talking about "the relationship" with him.

So no talking about what you need, or how much you've hurt, or how much you've healed. No talking about the past or the future.

 

The detached wall of politeness.

Not a bitchy wall intended to make him feel shut out.

Not a cheesy fake smile to make him feel jealous that you're "happy."

Just a neutral, polite, unemotional, professional demeanor.

 

Minimize contact.

And whenever possible, leave the room. Sure, sometimes you might have to be around him. But he is kryptonite for you. Minimize contact as much as possible.

[jj33]

Thanks that is good advice.

[jj33]

Detachment.

Detachment.

Detachment.

 

Some very simple bottom-line boundaries would be good too. 1-3 codes of conduct you make for yourself, that you can remember to do, even if you start feeling crazy/confused/overwhelmed in the moments of being around him.

 

e.g.

 

No talking about "the relationship" with him.

So no talking about what you need, or how much you've hurt, or how much you've healed. No talking about the past or the future.

 

The detached wall of politeness.

Not a bitchy wall intended to make him feel shut out.

Not a cheesy fake smile to make him feel jealous that you're "happy."

Just a neutral, polite, unemotional, professional demeanor.

 

Minimize contact.

And whenever possible, leave the room. Sure, sometimes you might have to be around him. But he is kryptonite for you. Minimize contact as much as possible.

 

 

WS I wanted to ask you a question if you dont mind. I so admire how you didnt rise to the bait of anything xMM did.

 

I do a good job of following the 3 rules you set out, but inside I feel a very deep sense of rejection. In the past I have followed the rules but eventually rose to his baiting but I will refrain from doing that in the future.

 

Seeing him in in marketing situations (even from across the room) reinforces that sense of rejection which doesnt do wonders for the mood or my networking skills. So its the detachment that I am having trouble with. I hate the fact that I still feel so rejected by this man and that I still allow it to get to me. Any suggestions? You seem to have jumped this hurdle very neatly.

 

Many thanks

 

jj

[wildsoul]

WS I wanted to ask you a question if you dont mind. I so admire how you didnt rise to the bait of anything xMM did.

 

Any suggestions? You seem to have jumped this hurdle very neatly.

Oh honey. I tripped over that hurdle and fell flat on my face.

 

It's more that I've done enough personal development work to know the strategies. Implementing them is always the hard part.

 

I will hold up a mirror to the word you used: rejection. Seems that is the big festering ouchie underneath your troubles. Seek some healing/reading on that topic. If you heal it up a bit, you won't be so reactive and those practical strategies will be easier to follow.

 

My internal deal is similar, except my key word is: abandonment. Childhood abuse stuff. I'm made big progress if you only knew where I started from in life. But this R stuff triggers it. Even though I left, I feel abandoned.

 

So at this point, it's not strategies you need so much as healing.

[jj33]

Thanks. You are right that is the key. An A in particular highlights abandonment and rejection and self worth issues if you have them which I do or none of this would bother me the way it does. So maybe that is my lesson here, another chance to face up to those issues and heal them. thanks again.

[soda]

I know the old adage never let em see you sweat etc etc etc.

 

Myabe it wont be an issue when I am well and fully past this but I need a strategy for the interim. In the past few months I have enjoyed being in contact with MM not just because he is a nice guy (despite the obvious) but of course also because that "special connection" that we refer to as an emotional A was still present.

.

 

Honestly, I don't see you getting past this unless you are NC. It sounds like he is purposely trying to drag out your emotions as an ego boost. You can fake it on the outside, but your emotions are going to keep you from being able to move on and foster other healthy relationships until you are truly healed.

 

I know that you said that you can't leave your job. Is it possible to do your job without interacting with him?

 

The sooner that you put him OUT of your life, the better you will feel. The longer that you delay, the more heartache you'll experience. He'll see to it.

[jj33]

Thanks Soda. I appreciate what you are saying and if i could have 6 months even 3 months of complete and total NC not seeing him not speaking to him nothing, it would do me the world of good. Unfortunately its not possible on a professional level. Im not comfortable explaining why since these forums are public. I can politely minimize contact but I can not cut off all contact; we have too many professional things that overlap.

 

I am now trying to look at it as a chance to be less reactive and to rely on my inner resources. I cant control him but I can control me and how I react to him. I have to get tougher. Everyone thinks I am so tough and wouldnt take any cr*p, but I have been a doormat in this situation.

 

If it were possible to put him totally out of my life I would do it in a nanosecond and I never thought I would say that. Even 2 months ago I couldnt bear the thought of not being close friends with him. But now I have a better grip on things. It feels very disloyal to think that about someone who meant so much to me, but I have to get past this.

 

When a relationship ends whether its with a MP or a single person, its nice to be able to move on without having the person in your face all the time. The whole lets be friends thing is great once you have moved on but not until then.

[jj33]

One more question I have just rescheduled a drinks evening with some colleagues becauxe I left the last one early after just a few minutes because I couldnt be around xMM who was invited by one guy who is a the "more the merrier" type.

 

He thinks xMM and I are good friends and may invite him again without asking me. I dont want xmm there. It makes it a waste for me to go as I am too selfconscious with him around and its only about 4 of us at the moment.

 

Do I have the right to ask xMM to decline if he is invited? I dont want to tell this guy to exclude xMM it is not fair to xMM and reflects badly on me professionally and suggests that there is more to the story. Noone knows and I dont want them to know.

[mistresswchildren]

Just a thought. Isn't the fact that he is asking you to carry on a conversation about your past relationship and how it is affecting your business relationship counteractive to doing your job? He is the one that keeps bringing it up. You have no reason to even attempt to explain it to him. If you have to deal with him, then deal with him on a professional level only. If he brings up that you are treating him differently, tell him that you are simply treating him as a business associate. If he feels differently, then it is because his emotions are reflecting upon the situation. Ask him honestly, "Do you ask all of your business associates if they are treating you differently because of a past relationship? If not, then you need to begin treating me as you would one of your other business associates. The more you bring this up, the more unprofessional our relationship is. This is your choice not mine, and I refuse to have this conversation again."

 

I've never been in your situation, but I am certain that you are honestly trying not to treat him any differently. It is however impossible to keep yourself from admitting that you had a relationship with this man. You are trying to distance yourself from him, and he doesn't want you to. That is the point of all of this.

[wildsoul]

Do I have the right to ask xMM to decline if he is invited? I dont want to tell this guy to exclude xMM it is not fair to xMM and reflects badly on me professionally and suggests that there is more to the story. Noone knows and I dont want them to know.

If this was a more important event, then perhaps you might assert yourself, but I wouldn't over something as simple as drinks.

 

Reasoning:

• Don't let xMM know he has the power to upset you with his presence.
  
• You can't ask xMM without discussing your R with him, and the less you discuss the R, the better.
  
• He might not even show up (even if he accepts the invite.) It's just drinks afterall.
  
• Although you don't want to tell the guy inviting xMM why you don't want him to, telling xMM might backfire. There is a chance xMM will tell him or others that he's not coming because YOU asked him not to. Don't give him power.
  

How about you just have a Plan A and Plan B? Go to the gathering. If xMM shows up, have a pre-planned exit strategy. For instance, you could get up to go to the ladies room, then when you return announce you're tired and it's time to go home (or need to go call back a friend, etc.)

 

The truth is that he does have some power over your evening, but this way, no one needs to be the wiser.

[jj33]

Thanks WS very good point his ego doesnt need more stroking from me and he would just tell me I had no right to tell him what to do and shouldnt be letting personal issues interfere with business. Drinks are a way that a lot of business is done in our industry so he may come I can only hope that if he does attend, he doesnt stay for long. Or it will give me another chance to try and ignore him. I really cant let him get to me this way its been compromising my networking for a year now and I cant let it do that any longer. He does not leave things because I am there. I guess I have to act like he doesnt exist even if hes just across the table from me.

[jj33]

Thanks Mistress with children yes I am evenhanded and even very generous with him in business except when it comes to being around him at marketing events. If I set up a networking/marketing thing, I no longer choose to do that with him present. And that is my right. But he says (and its true) that I wouldnt decline to have others there and its because of my feelings about the past (also true but hey isnt that natural?).

 

Anyway I have to thank you all with each passing day I get more and more disgusted with the myself and the way this whole thing has proceeded and wonder how I allowed this man to have such power over me and my feelings for so long. Its so weak of me. And he is not worth it.

[waleen]

'Faking it 'til you make it' is an idea whose time has come. Self-improvement gurus all advocate it, rightly, as an incredibly powerful tool for change, but suppose you find it a difficult idea to get your head around. Does that mean you should give up on the idea? Should you accept that the challenges you're experiencing around 'faking it' can hold you back from 'making it'? Or is it something you can learn?

I'll come clean; 'fake it 'til you make it' is an idea that I found very difficult to grasp. First of all, I couldn't understand why it would ever work and second, if life is looking bleak, isn't it more realistic to make a plain, bald statement to the effect that life is bleak?

To answer the second point first; no, because when all is said and done we assess everything, including what is 'realistic' and self-evident, from our own subjective standpoint.

Human beings are as gifted at oversimplifying as they are at living anywhere but the present moment. We naturally favour absolutes. If things are bad then we tend to see them as 100% bad, rather than, say, 75% bad with occasional splashes of fair to good.

When things are bad that bleakness is all enveloping; it envelops the present, the past -optional-, the future - definitely. How disheartening is that? Given that most of us lack the power to see into the future, it's curious how we put our trust in 'what we know that just ain't so'.

Faking it until you make it, as I understand it, is the process of breaking down the state you aspire to into small manageable pieces so as to offer yourself the piece or pieces you can manage right now, that best convey the sense of well being you desire.

If that's as clear as mud, an illustration might help. If you want to feel good about yourself, but assume that a number of major conditions outside you need to be met before that can happen, stop being 'realistic' for a moment.

 

 

Ovarian Cysts No More