In Like Flynn Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 This statment has been stated many times......The BS may have contributed 50% to the problems in the relationship but 0% in the decision on the WS to cheat. Don't blame yourselve for the cheating that is all your WW's fault. But if you are attempting to recover and your spouse is remorseful and owning her own sh@t, then look inward at what part you may have played at any problems in your marriage prior to the affair and work from there to improve that.
NewSunrise Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 This statment has been stated many times......The BS may have contributed 50% to the problems in the relationship but 0% in the decision on the WS to cheat. HUH? Assuming your theory or statement is correct, how is the BS supposed to know his/her 50% responsibility if the WS tells his/her unassuming pre-BS that he/she is happy but turns around and willingly drop his/her pants? Wonderful idea. I should try that next time when the opportunity presents itself. Hi honey, by the way, I cheated because 50% was your fault? I'm sorry didn't tell you before I did it. I know I should've. But, I figure, asl long as you didn't know and as long as I know it's 50% your fault, it's okay, right? Can we still be married and act like I didn't do anything wrong? Because you, know it really was 50% your fault? Puh-leeezz.....
In Like Flynn Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 You misread the statement....50% for problems in marriage but 0% for the decision to cheat!!
NewSunrise Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 You misread the statement....50% for problems in marriage but 0% for the decision to cheat!! Your statement is two parts. I addressed the first part....the 50% part. The second part is the 0%. No additional explanation/elaboration is needed.
Author astras hubby Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 The questions i have for Astra is First question is WHY? For starters. How could she do this? We didn't have a good start to Married life to start with 4 weeks b4 wedding i had to have a operation.Then 1 week after Honeymoon Astra had a knee operation. How could she be intimate with some1 else? Where did we go wrong? Where did i go so wrong to push her to another man? I'm question myself as a lover/friend/husband/person in general? I love Astra more than words can describe,even though she has done this i love her unconditionly. It feels like some1 has grabbed me and givin me such a flogging that i don't know my own head from my ass. The terriable thought comes into my head that he had big enough balls to do my W behind my back that he should have big enough balls to cop what is coming to him.I'm not condoning what Astra has done has hurt me like a frieght train hit me. He(MM)is sooooo stupid cause he knows i do Taewondo at the time of the A.I think that is why i haven't smashed his face in for him yet because ive had that training to not let it get out of control/control your anger. Thank you for the advice p.s I'll take any advice you have cause i really want this to work i know it is going to be rough/tough road in front of us I would like to start off by telling every1 that I'm sorry for what i said about smashing his face in for him.I was venting my anger and i didn't mean that i would go through with it. I was having a sh@thouse day,todays not much better. I was looking on OW/OM site and it made me laugh abit (ok alot)when some1 posted 4 the first time and that he was, how would u put it ****IN HIMSELF cause the MH found out about his A with the MH Wife Every1 started to mention about having big boy pants aswell as big boy balls Thank you all for your replies
Author astras hubby Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 "...what did I do soooo wrong to make her go elsewhere." Astras hubby, Actually you did not do anything or very little. When the opportunity for your wife to have affair with her boss presented itself to her she just eagerly decided to take it in completely selfish manner without any regard for your feelings. It was just to tempting for her to resist. She just wanted to have her fun and she did not give a flying f... about you. The main reason for affairs to happen is the opportunity to have them... these so called other "contributting factors" do not play any significant role... but they are usually very helpful excuse to justyfy the affair when "the **** hits the fan"... as you can see in your own case. As a man I can perfectly understand your anger toward her boss but when you think about it on logical level it was your "beloved" wife who disrespected you the most. When you are in a commited relationship, expecially if you are married, and you decide to have an affair it is not only that you stand naked in front of OM/OW and go to bed with him/her. You also show him/her how much you disrespect your OS. There is no other way to look at it. Every time she was dropping her panties for him she was also showing him how little she cared for you or her marriage with you. You have to keep in mind that she was a willing participant... and who knows maybe she was even the one who started the affair. You have to be aware that you will never know the whole truth about it. Do not kick yourself too hard... long term relationships are never perfect... and what she did she did to get her own "little pleasures". But she is playing you masterfully... she dumped a ton of s... on you and your marriage and now in a subtel way she trying to make you believe that you are also responsible for it. Astra hubby, keep in mind that you are hearing this from someone who has rather liberal views on relationships... I am not one of these cheated on husbands with bleeding souls... I know what you are saying but it hurts sooo much that she could do such a thing with OP let alone with another MM.MM was the one who asked her for her involvment in the A.Astra did ask me if i was seeing anybody at the time of the A but i must of givin her the vibe that i was cheating on her. So she must of confided in her boss b4 they started A,and that's where it took off(Astras A). But that wasn't the case 4 me i wasn't cheating on her i was doing at the time of her A, the house would be spotless by the end of each w/end after she would come home and she would say not a word to me about the house being clean/work clothes washed/dried ready for the next week. Thank you for listen to me i'm having a shocker to day Sorry for not making any sense if you need any more info let me know
Author astras hubby Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 AH, trust me, I know those questions WELL. I went through the same set of them myself during my wife's affair. Question for you...have the two of you started any kind of marriage counseling? Hello Owl, It's nice to finally meet you at last. How do you except these question/s or live with them?If you get my drift. I think it has finally sunk into my head that Astra was willing to give up on the marriage/me for this MM.That kills me to know that because i love Astra in more ways than you can imagine,and it breaks my heart to know that. I'm scared,horrified,angry,ashamed,all that and a bit more. I'm questioning myself as a human/man/lover/husband/friend. Having a really bad day today. The thing that i am most scared of is that if i push her to far with my questions or anything she will leave me for HIM. Astra says she won't go back to him but i don't know that for sure,she says that she still has NC with him,which i can be greatful for. We haven't started MC/IC yet? BUT i would like to give it a go if that means Astra stays me and we can work it out as a couple.We can do this if we are fully committed to it which i am. Thank you for listen Owl:rolleyes:
Owl Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Like I've said...it'll take TIME. And effort...on both your parts. Right now, if you have questions about what went on during the affair, what she was thinking, etc....then ask her. Don't hesitate because you think it'll hurt her...its part of the "penance" she's got to pay for all of this. And you need answers to your questions in order to know that she's being truthful now...it rebuilds trust. You also need to know exactly what it is you're being asked to forgive. I'd just caution you to think about one thing before you ask some questions. Some answers can't be taken back. If you ask specific details about some of the more physically intimate parts of the affair....well...many can't get over the "visuals" they tend to end up with as a result. I'd caution you to seriously consider how important the answers to some of those questions are to you, before you seek them. Otherwise, just rest assured that as the trust slowly comes back, as the affair remains ended and the two of you keep up the communication....things DO get better with time. Seriously, get into marriage counseling as soon as you can. Make sure that the counselor understands the damage caused by infidelity, and has a good plan for helping you recover. Consider those books I've suggested in the past..."Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley is the best way to start. Hope this helps.
bish Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Hi everyone I am astras hubby, my W has been posting in the OW/OM forum. I am here because i am a BS - my W is helping me write my 1st post Why is she helping you write your first post? That would be like a captor videotaping a speech by a hostage under duress. We need to hear YOUR thoughts, not hers. Brief history - My W had an A with her M boss - My W left her job and the A - My wife DID NOT get caught - she confessed to me AFTER she ended it - We are trying to work on our M. If anyone can help and share what they have been through, that would be great. Thanks While admirable that she confessed and left the A, as someone once said, she doesn't get points for doing so. here is my question to you, can you completely put any visions out of your head of her having sex with this OM? And if you can't(which I believe nobody can), why settle for living a life with a life sentence of knowing she had another man inside her while married to you?
bish Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Welcome AH! (Astra's Hubby!). I'm really sorry that you're here I 2nd that thought. I sucks that you have to be here under your circumstances. Been there done that my man. You are not alone.
bish Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I had my suspicions on the A,so i confronted Astra and told her i had my suspicions of the A(about a month or so ago).The next day when i got home from work she confessed to me about A with OM. So she didn't just come out and confess out of choice. If you had suspicions, she was in a sense "caught". Only reason she confessed is because you came to her first about it and she initially denied it. She now knew you were aware that something was going on. So she doesn't get any "credit" for coming clean as far as I'm concerned with regards to her coming to you about it unsolicited. She knew you were on to something and that it was a matter of time before you knew for sure. Otherwise the affair would probably still be going on.
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