Im a newby BS

[astras hubby]

Hi everyone

 

I am astras hubby, my W has been posting in the OW/OM forum.

I am here because i am a BS - my W is helping me write my 1st post

 

Brief history

- My W had an A with her M boss

- My W left her job and the A

- My wife DID NOT get caught - she confessed to me AFTER she ended it

- We are trying to work on our M.

 

If anyone can help and share what they have been through, that would be great.

 

Thanks

[troubadour]

I have never been cheated on so I can not offer any advice here... but I think that this "confession" thing is way overrated... when one reads some of the posts by these who "confessed" one gets an impression that they almost expect it to be like a base for automatic "absolution"... "yes, I had an affair but I confessed"... what if it is just a cold calculated damage control move... personally I would be very sceptical about something like this... after all if she lied to you when she was having her cake she may be doing it now

 

But GOOD LUCK...

[showupbutbroken]

I think if she was not caught and still told you that she wanted to come clean and work through the issues that got her to that place that is a good thing. People do make mistakes, people also can work through those mistakes. I feel not getting caught and still telling you about it means that she is remorseful but more important, interested in making it right.

 

Take your time to heal, I am sure it was very painful to hear, but know if you feel you can get past it, it seems as though she is interested in getting past it also. Good luck, good thoughts with you!

[Owl]

Welcome AH! (Astra's Hubby!).

 

I'm really sorry that you're here, but glad you decided to get some support/advice from others. I want to echo what you've probably already heard...this is going to take TIME, and WORK for the both of you to get through.

 

Here's a link to my thread from quite a while ago...please...keep in mind that this was written about four months or so post d-day (the day I learned about her affair). You can see some progression in it, as well as the steps we took to help recover our marriage.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

I've already made some suggestions to Astra...hopefully ya'll have talked some of that over as well. Check out the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. I'd also recommend a couple of others..."His Needs/Her Needs" by the same author, and "The Five Love Languages".

 

Hang in there...remember too that there's no need to make any permanent choices on your marriage right now either. First, focus on getting the affair well and truly ended, to include Astra moving to another job and firmly establishing NC (no contact) with OM forever.

[pelicanpreacher]

Were you suspicious enough to confront Astra about any concerns you had while her affair was ongoing or have direct evidence of the affair prior to her confession or did this revelation blindside you?

[porter218]

Welcome AH!!

 

I am sorry you are having to deal with such a devastating problem in your M. All I can say is that I think the fact that she admitted to the A before being caught is very telling that your M can be saved. I wish that I had received an admission, unprovoked, from my H. You have a long road ahead of you, full of pain and anger. But you will feel better in a couple years, maybe even less then that.

[silktricks]

Welcome AH. I can't remember how long you're post affair - and I wrote you on a post of Astra's. You're in for a long rough ride, but it can be done. It takes a TON of work on the part of both of you.

 

IMO it is better that she stopped the affair and told you about it than had you discovered it and "forced" her to stop. It puts things on a different footing and gives you a different perspective. But..... that doesn't make it a whole lot easier. I say that because my H also ended it and told me about it.

 

I'm 4+ years past D-Day, we're together, doing well and happy. IMO our relationship is much better than it was for probably about 3 years leading up to the affair.

 

You can expect a lot of ups and downs. I know there are good books out there - but to be honest - I didn't read any of them. We did some MC for about 6 months, but I can't honestly say that helped a great deal either. It helped that he was willing to do it - but it didn't really resolve anything. Most of our resolution came through very intense conversations (a lot of them!!)

 

It's really important for you to tell Astra how you are feeling. She needs to see the real you, see your pain (which may be very difficult at times). If she doesn't see you when you are in pain, then she won't be able to tell (necessarily) when you aren't. The longterm resolution is to be happy together, so she needs to be able to see your progress towards recovery just like you need to be able to learn to trust her again.

 

Best of luck to both of you.

[astras hubby]

I think if she was not caught and still told you that she wanted to come clean and work through the issues that got her to that place that is a good thing. People do make mistakes, people also can work through those mistakes. I feel not getting caught and still telling you about it means that she is remorseful but more important, interested in making it right.

 

Take your time to heal, I am sure it was very painful to hear, but know if you feel you can get past it, it seems as though she is interested in getting past it also. Good luck, good thoughts with you!

 

That is so true...Everyone is human and do make mistakes,if the shoe was on the other foot i would want a second chance.I do have to give my W credit for confessing to me about the A in the first place.I just can't get my head around how she could do these things in the first place with another MM and being her boss.I did have my suspisions about the A in that time frame, cause i had asked my W the question once but she denied it so i didn't mention it again,i wish i had of now.I'm not condoning what she did was right,but we have a long road in front of us, cause this has shattered me to the bone,i don't know what to think right now.I'm trying to work this out with my W i would like for us to work it out and stay together.

Thank you for sticking up for me with that first reply i got.So thank you again.

[astras hubby]

Were you suspicious enough to confront Astra about any concerns you had while her affair was ongoing or have direct evidence of the affair prior to her confession or did this revelation blindside you?

 

I had my suspicions on the A,so i confronted Astra and told her i had my suspicions of the A(about a month or so ago).The next day when i got home from work she confessed to me about A with OM.

[troubadour]

I had my suspicions on the A,so i confronted Astra and told her i had my suspicions of the A(about a month or so ago).The next day when i got home from work she confessed to me about A with OM.

 

 

Somehow I had a feeling that it was the case...

 

Being an artist for over two decades I have seen a lot of infidelity in my life at "close range" and I can tell you that almost always when someone "confesses" to having an affair it only because he/she is about to be discovered and/or exposed...

 

Like I told you it was nothing more than just calculated damage control move... but it appears to work quite well

[In Like Flynn]

Some BS's want to know all the sex details others don't. But I think it helps to know that the WS is willing to be absolutely truthful. WS's tend to water down the affair details. The when and where's also help the BS look back and remember the lies,excuses and strange behaviors.....like immediately taking a shower upon returning home from work. Reading your wife's posts it appears alot of the sex was at or during work. Her behavior when returning home had to be a red flag. Just throwing that out there. You have to wonder if where you would be if the OM had decided to leave his wife!!!

[rubies_for_horses]

hi AH. i am in the same situation as yourself, but i am the wandering spouse. i came clean to my husband, who had no idea that anything was going on. i didn't do it for damage control purposes or any other self-serving reasons. i knew if i wanted to a) end the affair for good and b) salvage my marriage and build our future on the truth, then i had to tell my husband everything.

 

it has been 2 years since i told him and ended contact with the OM. in those 2 years, we've struggled unbelievably. there are great times, where we know we made the right decision and we move forwards together. there are really bad times where we question our decision to stay together. there are times i cry so much that i think i can't cry anymore - that i am filled with such horrible guilt, remorse, and sorrow that i don't think i can function. and i am the wandering spouse. i know it must be that much more terrible for him.

 

but you can do it. people here will give you different advice - seek marriage counseling (we tried, we didn't think it was working and stopped), talk openly and honestly about it, be receptive to one another...etc. i think it's an individual thing though and it depends on how you function as a couple. more than anything, if you believe your marriage is worth salvaging ... don't give up. when it gets bad (because it will) - fight all the more for it.

 

i'm 2 years out from the day i told my husband, and although it's been a long, hard 2 years, i am glad that we are together, and i think he is too.

[NewSunrise]

Sorry for your ordeal AH.

 

Been there as a BS. As with many posters here, choosing to give your M a shot will take time. Forgiveness is a tall order but a necessary one. You will constantly be looking, deciphering, analyzing and questioning every word, action, behavior she does. Normal. You will experience all sorts of emotions---anger, sad, depression. Normal.

 

If you haven't yet, check this site: www.marriagebuilders.com

 

As long as her behavior matches her words and her heart is in the right place for the M, your M has a shot. If your WS continues to lie and cheat, you'll know it in your heart---the same instinctive guide you felt before she confessed to the A.

 

My xWH continued to cheat and lie even while in MC. At the point, the only best thing left to do was divorce. You'll know when it's time to give up.

 

Good luck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I had my suspicions on the A,so i confronted Astra and told her i had my suspicions of the A(about a month or so ago).The next day when i got home from work she confessed to me about A with OM.

 

What do you plan to do about this?

 

Ending a marriage is a scarry thing, but believe me that it is not always bad. Many times a fresh start is what you both need.

 

On the other hand, you now have a get laid free card.

 

i'm 2 years out from the day i told my husband, and although it's been a long, hard 2 years, i am glad that we are together, and i think he is too.

 

I read your stuff before. Personally, I think that your H is flushing his life down the toilett.

[porter218]

On the other hand, you now have a get laid free card.

 

.

No he doesn't. Two wrongs have never made a right. Just because my H cheated on me doesn't allow me to break my vows as well. That would just signify the official end of our M. No-one ever earns the "right to do wrong".

[astras hubby]

No he doesn't. Two wrongs have never made a right. Just because my H cheated on me doesn't allow me to break my vows as well. That would just signify the official end of our M. No-one ever earns the "right to do wrong".

 

I believe in that when you take your vows, it's for that special person in your life.That you would move heaven,earth for that person.So i strongly believe that two wrongs don't make a right.Believe me i will not b trying to get myself in the same situation as my W.I don't want revenge because that will push her even further away from me,at the moment i need her more than ever,but at the same time don't want suffercate her.

 

Thanks for that bit of advice

[pelicanpreacher]

It's been two years since DDay and I was wondering what questions you still have of Astra that you feel haven't been answered to your satisfaction?

 

Also, what questions do you have of yourself that you're still grappling with?

[astras hubby]

It's been two years since DDay and I was wondering what questions you still have of Astra that you feel haven't been answered to your satisfaction?

 

Also, what questions do you have of yourself that you're still grappling with?

 

The questions i have for Astra is First question is WHY? For starters.

How could she do this?

We didn't have a good start to Married life to start with 4 weeks b4 wedding i had to have a operation cause i had Testicular torsion(that's where the testical twists).Then 1 week after Honeymoon Astra had a knee operation.

How could she be intimate with some1 else?

Where did we go wrong?

Where did i go so wrong to push her to another man?

I'm question myself as a lover/friend/husband/person in general?

I love Astra more than words can describe,even though she has done this i love her unconditionly.

It feels like some1 has grabbed me and givin me such a flogging that i don't know my own head from my ass.

The terriable thought comes into my head that he had big enough balls to do my W behind my back that he should have big enough balls to cop what is coming to him.I'm not condoning what Astra has done has hurt me like a frieght train hit me.

He(MM)is sooooo stupid cause he knows i do Taewondo at the time of the A.I think that is why i haven't smashed his face in for him yet because ive had that training to not let it get out of control/control your anger.

Thank you for the advice

p.s I'll take any advice you have cause i really want this to work i know it is going to be rough/tough road in front of us

[NewSunrise]

The questions i have for Astra is First question is WHY? For starters.

How could she do this?

We didn't have a good start to Married life to start with 4 weeks b4 wedding i had to have a operation cause i had Testicular torsion(that's where the testical twists).Then 1 week after Honeymoon Astra had a knee operation.

How could she be intimate with some1 else?

Where did we go wrong?

Where did i go so wrong to push her to another man?

I'm question myself as a lover/friend/husband/person in general?

I love Astra more than words can describe,even though she has done this i love her unconditionly.

It feels like some1 has grabbed me and givin me such a flogging that i don't know my own head from my ass.

The terriable thought comes into my head that he had big enough balls to do my W behind my back that he should have big enough balls to cop what is coming to him.I'm not condoning what Astra has done has hurt me like a frieght train hit me.

He(MM)is sooooo stupid cause he knows i do Taewondo at the time of the A.I think that is why i haven't smashed his face in for him yet because ive had that training to not let it get out of control/control your anger.

Thank you for the advice

p.s I'll take any advice you have cause i really want this to work i know it is going to be rough/tough road in front of us

 

Best thing to do is give yourself some space. It's a waste of energy to beat yourself up over the why, how, or what ifs much less fantasize about beating the other dude. He's not worth the effort and energy. Be polite to yourself and your marriage no matter how much the A burns. What's done is done. Don't engage in a blame game.

 

The question is where and how do you want to go from here?

 

To help minimize arguments, you and your wife will have to establish a mutually agreed ground rules. For example, agree to disagree and stop. Table the disagreement for a later time. In lieu of this, you two might want to play a game of writing down what what each one of you think is each other's top FIVE most important things in different categories. You might find that what you thought is the most important of the other is actually opposite. Then discuss how and why it was listed at the top or bottom. Doing this excercise allows both of you to physically see rather than just talking about it which is easy to get off tangent. Don't throw those lists away. You may need to revisit them again.

 

Objective is to help you both close the gap in your differences and understand where and how you defined your M in the beginning. Working together, you two are "redefining" your marriage where it needs to be.

 

Good luck.

[astras hubby]

Best thing to do is give yourself some space. It's a waste of energy to beat yourself up over the why, how, or what ifs much less fantasize about beating the other dude. He's not worth the effort and energy. Be polite to yourself and your marriage no matter how much the A burns. What's done is done. Don't engage in a blame game.

 

The question is where and how do you want to go from here?

 

To help minimize arguments, you and your wife will have to establish a mutually agreed ground rules. For example, agree to disagree and stop. Table the disagreement for a later time. In lieu of this, you two might want to play a game of writing down what what each one of you think is each other's top FIVE most important things in different categories. You might find that what you thought is the most important of the other is actually opposite. Then discuss how and why it was listed at the top or bottom. Doing this excercise allows both of you to physically see rather than just talking about it which is easy to get off tangent. Don't throw those lists away. You may need to revisit them again.

 

Objective is to help you both close the gap in your differences and understand where and how you defined your M in the beginning. Working together, you two are "redefining" your marriage where it needs to be.

 

Good luck.

 

I know what you are saying and i think it is a fantastic idea about the lists,i will start making 1.

 

I would never go through with smashing his face in thats just how i feel at the moment.I know i shouldn't be thinking of the why's whatif's how's but i can't stop thinking what did i do soooo wrong to make her go elsewhere.

Thank you for the advice about the lists!

I'll take it onboard.

[troubadour]

"...what did I do soooo wrong to make her go elsewhere."

 

Astras hubby,

 

Actually you did not do anything or very little.

 

When the opportunity for your wife to have affair with her boss presented itself to her she just eagerly decided to take it in completely selfish manner without any regard for your feelings. It was just to tempting for her to resist. She just wanted to have her fun and she did not give a flying f... about you. The main reason for affairs to happen is the opportunity to have them... these so called other "contributting factors" do not play any significant role... but they are usually very helpful excuse to justyfy the affair when "the **** hits the fan"... as you can see in your own case.

 

As a man I can perfectly understand your anger toward her boss but when you think about it on logical level it was your "beloved" wife who disrespected you the most. When you are in a commited relationship, expecially if you are married, and you decide to have an affair it is not only that you stand naked in front of OM/OW and go to bed with him/her. You also show him/her how much you disrespect your OS. There is no other way to look at it. Every time she was dropping her panties for him she was also showing him how little she cared for you or her marriage with you. You have to keep in mind that she was a willing participant... and who knows maybe she was even the one who started the affair. You have to be aware that you will never know the whole truth about it.

 

Do not kick yourself too hard... long term relationships are never perfect... and what she did she did to get her own "little pleasures". But she is playing you masterfully... she dumped a ton of s... on you and your marriage and now in a subtel way she trying to make you believe that you are also responsible for it.

 

Astra hubby, keep in mind that you are hearing this from someone who has rather liberal views on relationships... I am not one of these cheated on husbands with bleeding souls...

[whichwayisup]

what did I do soooo wrong to make her go elsewhere

 

You didn't. Even if there were problems in the marriage, it's no excuse or justification to go cheat. Please don't blame yourself for Astra's choice to have an affair. Something in her couldn't resist, something was broken inside of her and for that, she needs to go deep into herself in counselling to understand why she allowed herself to let another man into her heart.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Hopefully this thread will can help, it's long but very insightful.

[Owl]

AH, trust me, I know those questions WELL. I went through the same set of them myself during my wife's affair.

 

Question for you...have the two of you started any kind of marriage counseling?

[whichwayisup]

Another one to read is by Thumbingmyway. If you click on his username, look in his profile you can find all threads by him for his updates.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57894/

[NewSunrise]

I know what you are saying and i think it is a fantastic idea about the lists,i will start making 1.

 

I would never go through with smashing his face in thats just how i feel at the moment.I know i shouldn't be thinking of the why's whatif's how's but i can't stop thinking what did i do soooo wrong to make her go elsewhere.

Thank you for the advice about the lists!

I'll take it onboard.

 

You're welcome, AH. Remember ONE day at a time. That's all you can do and give to your M.

 

Sometimes, an A is a symptom of what is going on and not going on in any relationship. The difference is HOW im/mature, in/secure, the level of committment and respect each person has FOR the relationship, themselves and to each other. The individual who CHOOSES to cross the line is VOID of maturity, security, respect, loyalty and committment to themselves, the relationship and to the person they profess to love and honor. Your wife was VOID of all. You kept your end of the bargain. So you DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

 

If she hasn't begun to "accept responsibility", she will continue to blame you for making her drop her pants so to speak. If she is still in this mode, your M doesn't have a prayer. But that doesn't mean you should give up. At some point, she will have to look at herself in the mirror every day and live with this for the rest of her life IF she has any respect or remorse for what she did, much less has any desire to rebuild your marriage. It will take each of your entire strength to rebuild it. But she needs to "accept responsibility" first in order for your M to have a chance to recover.

 

It may require YOU to leave the house temporarily in a sort of a "sabbatical" way. Get your bearing so to speak which will also give her time to feel the ramifications of her actions. Last thing your M needs is for you to shove her with the "whys, how and what".

 

YOU will also have to learn how NOT to allow this experience affect you later in life regardless if you choose to stay in your marriage. Easier said than done because teaching ourselves something new is the hardest thing. This too will take every ounce of energy. But the rewards will outweight the process. Rebuilding your marriage IS a huge process. Part of the process is REDEFINING your marriage and each other's expectations to the marriage and with each other.

 

Meanwhile, keep posting on LS. Might want to crawl over to www.marriagebuilders.com for additional support. This site is as the url address, provide suggestions in rebuilding your marriage.

 

If either of you have health insurance, get into counseling ASAP. Your medical insurance will cover (I think) 8-10 sessions with a small copay ($15-30). If your counselor feels you need more, s/he will submit request to authorize more, up to 14-15 sessions total.

 

Good luck.