bamagrl75 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 You’ll get fed up one day… You WILL get fed up one day. This seems to be the reoccurring statement made by best friends and family, when searching for answers as to why you keep putting up with the same @!#% and going back to… “The Bad For You Relationship”… They were right. It took me 4 1/2 years, but I did get fed up. It took a nice hard kick of humility to make me see the light ;-) He loves me better than anyone ever has, but he hurts me better than anyone ever has. After he had broken things off with me several months ago… I was totally crushed. In a bad way!! Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t function… I was pitiful. Then I realized regardless of how bad I felt… I was still alive and breathing. What didn’t kill me… was definitely making me stronger!!! After my mini-breakdown I felt like a complete fool for letting him see me crushed like that… but it helped me. We tried to work things out and things were wonderful for a while, but in the end… he was back to being cold, hurtful and mean. He told me he didn’t want to be with me (he’d rather break it off ove the phone than have a rational conversation face to face)… this time… I agreed ;-) I didn’t know what was happening to me, but for the first time… I was able to let him go. There are things about him I will miss forever and a part of me will always love him, but you finally come to a time when you realize… it’s just not going to work. In the end… I guess we all get fed up Thanks to all of you guys for your great post! I can sit and read for hours, this site has been a major eye opener for me! For all of you going through a break up… I’m sorry that you’re hurting… but it really does get better. I honestly believe that if it weren’t for my friends I’d be crazy!! I have a few very close friends (male and female) going through the same thing… breaking up and divorce. They have all been there for me and I for them. It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever go through… you don’t have to do it alone.
Mending1985 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I've been going through my breakup for about 2 years - its been 2 years of fights, breakdowns, ex sex, and general badness. Have finally decided I've had enough of looking like a pathetic idiot and I'm going on NC for good. It's good to know that people do eventually feel better - right now I can't see that happening so thanks for giving me hope :-D
frownyface42 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 sounds kinda like my relationship with my girl... i was too scared to get hurt and/or hurt her so i was always distant and never let her back in after she broke my heart and came back. i love the girl to death but was terrified of the relationship and letting her down. now she has moved on and is happy, i'm happy for her... i hope one day her and i will work out because of the connection we had, but all i can do is put that in the hands of fate and hope that one day i won't have doubts about us and she still has interest. it will be taking it slow... a long time from now, but to love the way i loved that girl again... i'd do anything i'm sure she was/is fed up with me... i hope that doesn't mean we won't work sometime in the future when we are both back to the people we fell in love with, instead of eachother's crazy ex.
Author bamagrl75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Life is not easy... Love DEFINITELY is not!! You have to work at relationships... no matter how well you may "think" they are going... period. Some people just see that it's easier (for them) to walk away than to put forth an effort and if that's the case... it's better to just let them leave. In my case... no matter how little the argument or how big... he NEVER wanted to talk it through. It was like he couldn't listen to my voice without flipping out... like it made him sick :-( that was hard enough to deal with! I felt he wasn't ever understanding and he felt like I was a bitch. Believe it or not... when we were happy... it was the best of times. We had plenty in common and even had a lot of the same views, but to me there was always something missing... the security. After being with someone for so many years you would think that they would respect you enough to talk things through... not him. The first big argument and he was out the door or telling me to leave. You can't work on a relationship when one of you is always running. I guess in time I will "feel" he truly wasn't the man for me... but for now I'm still sad. Not depressed and crying every time I take a breath... but definitely sad. He was my best friend... my lover... my confidant... my protector and HE is the one who let me down :-( Life goes on and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!!! In the mean time... hold your head up high... Everything happens for a reason ;-)
frownyface42 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 jeez... you sound like my ex. i would never talk to her about our feelings, i was scared... i knew i was going to hurt her because at that point in my life i couldn't deal with it. she knew this too, but she loved me so much she didn't care we didn't talk about it, she just wanted to be with me. we would fight about it in the beginning but it got to the point that just being with each other was better than trying to force something upon it. from my perspective it was like this... if someone is running right at you, its real easy to take a step to the side and let them keep running right past you... but if you walk up to them and they take that step to the side, you didn't run right past them... your right next to them. so for me every time she would want to talk about it, i felt i was being forced into something i wasn't sure of yet and would be turned off and not talk to her for days or a week sometimes... i regret it now, but at the time i didn't know what else to do... i needed to be comfortable and happy with myself before i could do that with someone else.
SweetTux Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 wow I just want to say your ex sounds like my ex.. My ex never wanted to talk about our problems or anything either. She would just get into an argument or get really mad and kick me out of her place or break up with me. It was like that for a while until finally she went and found other guys =( But seeing you get better and not need your ex anymore, I believe I will be fine in the end. Thanks you posting your story! =)
Author bamagrl75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 wow I just want to say your ex sounds like my ex.. My ex never wanted to talk about our problems or anything either. She would just get into an argument or get really mad and kick me out of her place or break up with me. It was like that for a while until finally she went and found other guys =( But seeing you get better and not need your ex anymore, I believe I will be fine in the end. Thanks you posting your story! =) [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Ya know... I guess we put up with a lot of things for love :-( Some things that can really bring us down. It's not that I don't need him, it's not that I don't love him and it's not that I don't miss him... I just couldn't stand going through the hurt anymore. I finally realized that it's EITHER worry that if I wanted to talk or even argue... that he would walk out on me “OR” hurt, cry, miss the hell out of him and then realize that if he was really "The One" or "I The One For Him" our relationship wouldn't have been hard for him to discuss.... and after that realization... I got up, dusted myself off, put a smile on my face (regardless of how I feel) and am trying to move on.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Not only does it hurt like hell to know that someone you love deeply just doesn't feel the same... it's scary!! After 4 1/2 years and a really bad spell about 4 months ago... we were really back to being a happy couple... but all it took was 1 and yes only 1... major argument in 2 months and he was out the door! I have to admit, I have never had willpower with him... I loved him too deeply and thought I couldn't live without him. I guess I just finally realized... it didn't matter if I felt that way... cause he has NO problem living his life without me. Right now... I'm taking it one day at a time ;-) My friends have really been there for me and not talking to him, has done WONDERS for me. I know hearing his voice or sending text messages would just start me right back to day 1!!! I have a friend (a guy) that is going through a divorce. Talking to him and taking his advice has really helped me through this... this time. I guess it helps to get a man's perspective on things sometimes. Keep your friends close, try not to be alone and use this site!!! When I feel like I'm getting upset or I'm lonely for his touch... I call someone or get on this site. For some reason... you just feel better knowing that you are not alone in this battle... and trust me... you are not alone ;-) Best wishes to you!!![/FONT][/COLOR]
Author bamagrl75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 jeez... you sound like my ex. i would never talk to her about our feelings, i was scared... i knew i was going to hurt her because at that point in my life i couldn't deal with it. she knew this too, but she loved me so much she didn't care we didn't talk about it, she just wanted to be with me. we would fight about it in the beginning but it got to the point that just being with each other was better than trying to force something upon it. from my perspective it was like this... if someone is running right at you, its real easy to take a step to the side and let them keep running right past you... but if you walk up to them and they take that step to the side, you didn't run right past them... your right next to them. so for me every time she would want to talk about it, i felt i was being forced into something i wasn't sure of yet and would be turned off and not talk to her for days or a week sometimes... i regret it now, but at the time i didn't know what else to do... i needed to be comfortable and happy with myself before i could do that with someone else. Wow... and you sound like my ex ;-) I honestly don't know why he always turned away... but he did. And in the end... he pushed me away :-(
confused11 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Frownyface...wow what you said was similar to what the guy I was seeing said to me.... "so for me every time she would want to talk about it, i felt i was being forced into something i wasn't sure of yet and would be turned off and not talk to her for days or a week sometimes... i regret it now, but at the time i didn't know what else to do... i needed to be comfortable and happy with myself before i could do that with someone else." When we didn't talk about things, everything was great...but I still felt I was missing that security...like he was "mine" ya know. What do you mean comfortable and happy with yourself? I've always heard from my guy friends that if a guy wants you, nothing will stop them from getting you. I thought what he was saying was his "nice" but bs way of telling me he's just not that into me...I just thought he couldn't man up to tell me the truth. Any time there was talk of "us" he would say he didn't want to talk about it, not over the phone, and that he didn't know what he wanted but did want to be with me...then bailed saying that he needed to figure out things for himself first before he can make someone else happy. I'm a happy person, I can make myself happy I didn't NEED him to do it for me...he just made me happier. He wanted to figure out where his life was going because in 2 years he gets out of the military and doesn't know what he wants to do. He wanted to do things in a certain order and felt the relationship part of his life should come after everything. I didn't bring it up very much I just didn't want him to be using me at his convenience. I didn't like that I didn't feel secure. He said the same thing you said too, he knew he would hurt me and didn't want to do that. My question is why did you feel like you would rather lose her than make the effort? Were you in a comfort zone that you weren't ready to leave? Is it something you regret or would do differently?
frownyface42 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 i guess for me what happened was she broke my heart when we were in college (first love)... i was miserable and decided i needed to find someone new so i started looking and the idea of someone new kinda stuck in my head. she eventually came back (funny story)... but i started to feel like a sucker, that i just let her get to come back after she realized i was the one... F you, ya know what i mean? so we kinda got back together, it went back and forth for a long time. there was so much between us now that we had broken up, so many hurtful things said in attempt to get over each other that it was hard to go back. i kept looking for someone new... i thought i could find someone better than her, and the fact that i couldn't find someone better for me started to get to me. i started getting down on myself about it all and i started to feel like i "needed" to fall in love with someone new just to know im not settling for her... but choosing her. she stayed around... i was honest with her about my feelings, i never lied to the girl, but i guess she thought i would come to my senses and one day we would work out (4 years). it got to the point i would feel guilty being with her because i felt the second i get back together with her... this new girl is finally going to come in my life and i couldn't do that to her again... i didn't want to hurt her again, so we kinda never talked about it. now she says shes "moved on" and its hard for me to accept. it feels like we just broke up. i get stuck at a crossroads with her because this has happened before (her saying shes over me) and we get back together only for me to get scared i would hurt her or she would hurt me... so i guess i started to keep my distance and wouldn't talk about "us". right now i truly feel i could make it work, but really? i don't think she trusts that i can or will... its hard to accept for me all i can do is hope one day i won't have doubts about "us" and i will be able to give her 100% of me... maybe she hopes for that same thing? i can't tell anymore because she won't talk to me until we both realize we are just "friends." so i guess a couple years down the road i'll have to start charming the pants off of her again, start feeling those long lost feelings we know are still there and have everything work out... as naive as that sounds so yes i do regret it... but i don't know if i even could do things differently. i want to have a "new" love, but i guess maybe i'm a douche bag for thinking this girl could still work out and keeping her around for so long. i always told people we would never work until both of us were over eachother and then if things work out they work out... if they don't they don't... we need to be the people we fell in love with to begin with... not eachother's crazy ex.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 frowny- have you been chatting it up with my ex? hahaha....what u said is what i THINK hes doing "i kept looking for someone new... i thought i could find someone better than her, and the fact that i couldn't find someone better for me started to get to me. i started getting down on myself about it all and i started to feel like i "needed" to fall in love with someone new just to know im not settling for her... but choosing her." suddenly you can say what you couldnt to her....but now the timings off. guess all we can do is wonder if later on in life the timing will be right and if it will be with her or someone new?
Author bamagrl75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 **Everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you appreciate them when they are right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and some times good things fall apart so better things can fall into place.** I have to say... that was great ;-) Especially the last... Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall into place. Great way to look at it HopeDiesLast!!!
SweetTux Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Ya know... I guess we put up with a lot of things for love :-( Some things that can really bring us down. It's not that I don't need him, it's not that I don't love him and it's not that I don't miss him... I just couldn't stand going through the hurt anymore. I finally realized that it's EITHER worry that if I wanted to talk or even argue... that he would walk out on me “OR” hurt, cry, miss the hell out of him and then realize that if he was really "The One" or "I The One For Him" our relationship wouldn't have been hard for him to discuss.... and after that realization... I got up, dusted myself off, put a smile on my face (regardless of how I feel) and am trying to move on.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Not only does it hurt like hell to know that someone you love deeply just doesn't feel the same... it's scary!! After 4 1/2 years and a really bad spell about 4 months ago... we were really back to being a happy couple... but all it took was 1 and yes only 1... major argument in 2 months and he was out the door! I have to admit, I have never had willpower with him... I loved him too deeply and thought I couldn't live without him. I guess I just finally realized... it didn't matter if I felt that way... cause he has NO problem living his life without me. Right now... I'm taking it one day at a time ;-) My friends have really been there for me and not talking to him, has done WONDERS for me. I know hearing his voice or sending text messages would just start me right back to day 1!!! I have a friend (a guy) that is going through a divorce. Talking to him and taking his advice has really helped me through this... this time. I guess it helps to get a man's perspective on things sometimes. Keep your friends close, try not to be alone and use this site!!! When I feel like I'm getting upset or I'm lonely for his touch... I call someone or get on this site. For some reason... you just feel better knowing that you are not alone in this battle... and trust me... you are not alone ;-) Best wishes to you!!![/FONT][/COLOR] Yea sometimes its just better to take a step back and realize that it just wasn't even worth it. Like for my birthday she didn't really care or do anything for me. She said oh birthdays aren't important and I never have a happy birthday. But then a month later when it was her birthday everything had to go right and she had to have a great time. She did so much stuff... But your right, it sucks that people we love so much just don't really care about us at all. They only care about themself and their own happiness not anyone else's really.. Glad you got friends to help you through this! I do too! and LS is definitely a great place.
frownyface42 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 oh come on guy... you can't say they don't care about you and only themselves. that right there is only caring about yourself, and not them...
Author bamagrl75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 oh come on guy... you can't say they don't care about you and only themselves. that right there is only caring about yourself, and not them... Alright now... give the guy a break ;-) He's hurting and we've all been there. Sometimes it feels better to put the blame on the other person and sometimes it even gets you through your ordeal. For all we know... he's been getting blamed for all the problems in his relationship which may or may not have been all his fault. For me... it was always my fault... period. If I was asking a question... I was bitching. If I was telling him I needed more emotionally... I was bitching... If I was suspicious about something and went to him about what was bothering me, instead of blowing it out of proportion... I was bitching. Through it all... I stayed. Sometimes we are weak and sometimes we are strong. When we are weak... things we say aren't exactly what we feel... sometimes we can't say what we feel the way we hear it in our heads :-( Just remember that we are all on this forum for the same reason... we have been hurt. So regardless of what anyone has to say about what YOU are feeling... it's alright to go through the stages... denial... hurting... anger... ect. Keep smiling... someone will notice and smile back ;-)
SweetTux Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Alright now... give the guy a break ;-) He's hurting and we've all been there. Sometimes it feels better to put the blame on the other person and sometimes it even gets you through your ordeal. For all we know... he's been getting blamed for all the problems in his relationship which may or may not have been all his fault. For me... it was always my fault... period. If I was asking a question... I was bitching. If I was telling him I needed more emotionally... I was bitching... If I was suspicious about something and went to him about what was bothering me, instead of blowing it out of proportion... I was bitching. Through it all... I stayed. Sometimes we are weak and sometimes we are strong. When we are weak... things we say aren't exactly what we feel... sometimes we can't say what we feel the way we hear it in our heads :-( Just remember that we are all on this forum for the same reason... we have been hurt. So regardless of what anyone has to say about what YOU are feeling... it's alright to go through the stages... denial... hurting... anger... ect. Keep smiling... someone will notice and smile back ;-) Haha thx for the support. It is true though I am getting blamed for a lot of everything. All I ever did was support her and do whatever I could to make her happy. Even after the break up whenever she needed help or had problems I did whatever I could. Its weird cause it turns out I'm the bad guy... I'm the one thats psycho and everything. She left me and moved on to new guys already and stuff but she had me around helping her and doing whatever I could to make her happy. But I am the bad guy... sigh... I'm sorry that it was always your fault. It sucks how they treat us that way. I'm glad that you have stepped away from your ex and are on the road to recovery! *hugs*
Author bamagrl75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Haha thx for the support. It is true though I am getting blamed for a lot of everything. All I ever did was support her and do whatever I could to make her happy. Even after the break up whenever she needed help or had problems I did whatever I could. Its weird cause it turns out I'm the bad guy... I'm the one thats psycho and everything. She left me and moved on to new guys already and stuff but she had me around helping her and doing whatever I could to make her happy. But I am the bad guy... sigh... I'm sorry that it was always your fault. It sucks how they treat us that way. I'm glad that you have stepped away from your ex and are on the road to recovery! *hugs* Out of curiosity... how long were you two together? Was it ever happy and if so... when did the blame game... cold words... ect. start to take over the relationship?
SweetTux Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Out of curiosity... how long were you two together? Was it ever happy and if so... when did the blame game... cold words... ect. start to take over the relationship? It definitely was not as long as yours. Not even close. It was only like 7 months. Kind of glad that it didn't last so long if she ended up the way she did. It was really really happy at the beginning but I guess it started going downhill by the 5th month I believe. Its kind of sad because shes was the sweetest nicest gf I've ever had and the meanest coldest gf I've ever had... Its kind of ironic. So how long were you happy for and when did the blame game start for you?
Author bamagrl75 Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 jeez... you sound like my ex. i would never talk to her about our feelings, i was scared... i knew i was going to hurt her because at that point in my life i couldn't deal with it. she knew this too, but she loved me so much she didn't care we didn't talk about it, she just wanted to be with me. we would fight about it in the beginning but it got to the point that just being with each other was better than trying to force something upon it. from my perspective it was like this... if someone is running right at you, its real easy to take a step to the side and let them keep running right past you... but if you walk up to them and they take that step to the side, you didn't run right past them... your right next to them. so for me every time she would want to talk about it, i felt i was being forced into something i wasn't sure of yet and would be turned off and not talk to her for days or a week sometimes... i regret it now, but at the time i didn't know what else to do... i needed to be comfortable and happy with myself before i could do that with someone else. Do you tell her these things? I know you said you weren't ready to talk about your feelings when you were with her, so do you tell her how you feel now? If that was the problem when you two were together (which sounds a lot like my relationship), tell her how you feel now. If you don't know... do whatever it takes to figure it out... seriously. Please take my advice on this. I too stayed with him and loved him even though he couldn't promise me a future... because I loved him so much. You need to figure out what it is you want. Because if you don't find it out... it may be too late. I am very sorry to say this and please don't take it as ugly in any way... but sweetie I can promise you... those unspoken words that she longs to hear... she can and will find a man to provide her with those. It may not be tomorrow or even in the next year... but it will happen. How would you feel if she met someone that just knocked her off her feet? What if you waited a minute too long and she met someone and gave completely up on you... or rather... her with you. Don't let a good girl slip away just because you are afraid of commitment. If she makes you feel what it sounds like you feel for her... What are you waiting on??? Go get her... love her... and don't ever let her go. You may not ever have the chance again. Good luck sweetie... I hope it all works out for you regardless ;-)
ioncebelieved Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 WOW, Bam that hurt my eyes!!! You put way too many bolds in your post. But on your point... You are very correct!! It took me almost 2 grueling ass years to finally see it. I am still not completely healed, but getting better everyday and soon enough she will be getting worse.
Angel1111 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 There are things about him I will miss forever and a part of me will always love him, but you finally come to a time when you realize… it’s just not going to work. In the end… I guess we all get fed up. I can take this a step further for you and let you know that you will not always feel this way either - that you won't miss things about him and you won't always love him somewhere inside. It's like after a period of time, your eyes start to open even more and you just feel nothing for him and wonder how you ever could in the first place.
Angel1111 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Life is not easy... Love DEFINITELY is not!! You have to work at relationships... no matter how well you may "think" they are going... period. I'd like to clear something up for you here - love should not be a lot of work. When you're with someone that you click with, someone who's on the same page as you, the same wavelength, the 'work' is very minimal. Please don't ever get into another relationship that requires a lot of work. Work implies that you're having to put way too much effort into staying together. When I hear happily married people - I'm mean the ones who are really happy and aren't just putting on a show - they always say that it is not a lot of work, that the relationship mostly flows and things are easy. Yes, there will be some kinks at times, but it shouldn't be a constant thing. Please think about that the next time you're in a relationship. If it's a lot of work, get out of it.
LovelyStyle Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Hi Bamagirl, I like the way you have expressed you thoughts and feelings. You go girl! The original subject line spells it all out. We will evenutually get fed up with a situation that obviously makes us hurt. I traveled a similar road, but finally after 4 years of emotional, sexual, financial and physical abuse, I had had enough of the "misery-go-round". Likewise, your well wishes for all of us who are suffering is appreciated. Thanks.
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