Crestfallen_KH Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I realize that I'm going through a bad period - it's the one-year anniversary of the breakdown of my marriage from a man I loved so much, I could taste it. I know I'll get "back to normal" again, but right now, all I can think of is that he evidently made a good decision. No, he was not right to cheat on me, lie to me, quit the marriage without giving me a chance and be so selfish. He gets no "bye" from me for that. None of that was "right." or "good." But after a week of "falling in love" with his married co-worker, he announced that he wanted to end the marriage and promptly moved in with her. A year later, they are still living together. They have a cat, even. He hasn't had any second thoughts (or, if he has, he has never communicated them to me), has never expressed regret, given me an apology, an explanation or any semblance of truth until I blew up at him first, and never "come out of the fog" and come crawling back, drunk dialed, or got in touch with me for anything. He simply made a decision in a week's time and it evidently was the right decision because he's still there. You can't argue with results. Sure, I can't know how happy that relationship is, but it's obviously meeting his needs to some degree so it's not like it can be that bad. He willingly and without a second glance, checked out of a largely happy marriage, so it's not as if this is a guy who sticks around when it sucks. He went after what he wanted, got it, still has it, and has never looked back. I just have to accept that he made the right decision for him. His relationship with her, a year later, is proof of that. You simply can't argue with the evidence. All of you who post here about your exes coming back, apologizing, showing some remorse - I envy you, I really do. I don't get that I guess. I'm not worth that to him, and although I would never take him back, I did want him to apologize, have regret, call me up crying of have that relationship crash and burn. Instead, I get none of these things. And even if that relationship crashes and burns 6 months from now, it was still a success, still "worth it." Yep, I'm having a pity party. And yes, I am continuing to move on, healing in healthy ways, blah, blah. But it seems I'm either impatient for "justice" or it's just never going to happen for me and I have to go back, at some point, to accepting that.
CaliGuy Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 You know, I have wondered that myself at times. Though I have never been divorced, each failed relationship has been painful. While it takes me some time to recover, the ex's seem to move on without missing a beat. That is what I don't get. They're all happy in relationships and I am currently not. When is it going to be my turn to have a lasting, meaningful relationship? My hope rests entirely on the fact that since I've waited this long, whoever she turns out to be is going to be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC Whether that happens or not is yet to be seen, but I think you too C_KH will find that happiness as well. Try not to drown in the why's anymore but look at yourself as being FREE to find the one who truly, truly loves you.
nowhereman82 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Wonder if it's because we are a certain type of people? Perhaps we have more trust in humanity and love? Who knows. Or maybe we're just screwed up in some way? I like the first thought better. Sorry to hear about the ex...but for all you know maybe they feel they met their soul mate. So maybe though it hurt you it was good for them? *hugs*
Billie63 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Crestfallen, I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation. Our relationship had been going downhill for 6 months. I moved out for a week just to get away from his miserable face. Came back and vowed I'd make more of an effort in the sack and two weeks later he ended it saying he wasn' thappy. Turns out he'd been "flirting" with someone at work a week and a half before and was off to meet her in a hotel. Two months down the line they're together. I don't think he regrets our relationship ending. I know he wishes things were different and that I'd made more of a fuss of him while we were together. Crestfallen, could it be that he hadn't been happy in the marriage for some time before he met this woman?
orangehose Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 It's hard and mystifying when the ex seems to be perfectly happy in a new relationship, while you're left feeling like you're holding nothing. It's also hard when the ex makes NO attempt to communicate, apologize, or even be friends, when you know you treated them well. But a few things - first of all, your ex is STILL a jerk for doing what he did - walking out of a marriage so suddenly, without giving you a chance. He doesn't know the meaning of marriage or commitment. Yeah, he appears to be happy now, but it's not the first time that jerks have gotten lucky. Jerks everywhere have nice things happen to them, unfortunately, while nice people endure all sorts of suffering. Just the way the world works. But you can still be glad you're no longer with someone capable of behaving that way - he's someone else's problem now. Secondly, although a year seems like a long time, it's hardly an indicator of ever-lasting love. I know plenty of people who immediately entered new relationships after dumping their exes - sometimes those new relationships lasted a long time, like a couple years, before they too ended. But this is not to say you should be waiting with bated breath to see how / if his relationship ends. The best possibility, of course - and the final stage of healing - is to just no longer care about his possible happiness or lack thereof. Your ex is just another jerk among many, out there looking lucky at this moment (but who knows the truth, anyway).
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Crestfallen, could it be that he hadn't been happy in the marriage for some time before he met this woman? He finally admitted that he hadn't been happy for about 6-8 months before he met her. I knew he didn't seem as happy as he had been, and I repeatedly asked him what was wrong, but he always said that everything was "fine." He's since told me that he's learned the importance of speaking up when he's unhappy. I'm so glad he feels that a woman who he'd only known a few months deserved that more than I did. Anyway, I am doing better, overall. I'd rather have calm, peace, than anger and sadness all the time. But it sucks to know it wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a fling and it wasn't because of the "fog." It was because he really cared about and loved her and therefore he just made a good choice for himself and I have to accept it.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 But this is not to say you should be waiting with bated breath to see how / if his relationship ends. The best possibility, of course - and the final stage of healing - is to just no longer care about his possible happiness or lack thereof. Your ex is just another jerk among many, out there looking lucky at this moment (but who knows the truth, anyway). I keep reading that on LS a lot - "indifference" is the goal, and at some point you'll get to this magical place where you just don't care. Sorry, that's not going to happen for me. I'll ALWAYS care if they are together. I'll always be curious to see how that relationship turns out, how long it lasts, if they get married, etc. My goal, however, is just to care less and less. I really felt better once I freed myself from what seemed like an insurmountable goal of achieving complete indifference. I don't know how you get to that stage when your husband leaves you for someone else and they stay together. I just don't. That's great that others can and have gotten there, but it's not my goal. My goal is just to care a little and I do get closer to getting there, day by day.
journey1 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I dont know what I would do. I can barely handle what I am goignt through. I feel sooooooooooo awful for you. I sure wish I could take your nightmare away from you!! WTF, why is life this way?????
replicator Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Crestfallen, I can empathize with how you are feeling. While I was never married to her, I was with her for ten of the happiest years of my life and now she suddenly checked out with another man. I don't believe I'll ever feel indifference because she is the only one I ever truly cared about more than myself. I have to admit that I've hoped what she has now would fall apart so she could realize what she gave up. It hurts to think she sees something in this new person, that she didn't see in me, although we shared so much and I gave my all to her. If the person you were with brought you meaning to your life, I think you're likely to hold onto that until you've found it again in something or someone new. When that day comes, you'll be content once more, and you won't feel as though you're missing something.
orangehose Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I keep reading that on LS a lot - "indifference" is the goal, and at some point you'll get to this magical place where you just don't care. Sorry, that's not going to happen for me. I'll ALWAYS care if they are together. I'll always be curious to see how that relationship turns out, how long it lasts, if they get married, etc. My goal, however, is just to care less and less. I really felt better once I freed myself from what seemed like an insurmountable goal of achieving complete indifference. I don't know how you get to that stage when your husband leaves you for someone else and they stay together. I just don't. That's great that others can and have gotten there, but it's not my goal. My goal is just to care a little and I do get closer to getting there, day by day. Hi Crestfallen, I really feel for you and think that one year may be too short of a time, actually, to get over a betrayal of this magnitude (though there's no 'right' amount of time, of course). As long as you are achieving the goal of caring less day by day, I think that's great. Also, in terms of wanting to see what happens with your ex and his new relationship - well, it may take YEARS for something significant to unfold. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy (from reading your earlier posts) who is blatantly womanizing / cheating from day one. Rather, he has this capacity to be seemingly loyal and fine for a long time, then grow unhappy without revealing it, then SUDDENLY leave for 'greener pastures' without any discussion whatsoever. What if, ten years from now, he does the same thing to his new gf-turned-wife as he did to you? He is clearly capable of it. But I wouldn't necessarily spend the next ten years waiting for this outcome.
orangehose Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Also, true indifference is indeed difficult, maybe impossible to achieve. I know that twenty years from now, if I hear something about my ex, well, that piece of news will mean more to me than news about a stranger or an old work colleague or classmate. But hopefully not MUCH more
m00nstone Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I think indifference is a great goal but that very few people actually achieve it. The friends I know who have generally didn't care THAT much about the person in the first place. To care is to be human. I care about my ex who cheated on me, strung me along, and basically ruined my life for 2 years. I care in the way that I wish the best for him, but that's it. I don't care what that "best" may be, but I hope he gets it. If he doesn't, oh well, sucks for him! My other ex, I care about A LOT. I cared about him when we were broken up for years. I care about him now after we ended things again. Sometimes, there are just ones that you can't let go. As long as you don't let that cloud your view on future prospects, that's OK.
Recommended Posts