My last e-mail to him

[mistresswchildren]

I wrote this to the xMM. I want to speak to him still so that we can be clear on a few things about custody, but I suppose that is not something that we will ever be able to speak about. I was just wondering every one else's take on this.

 

I write this without any anger whatsoever. I want to be clear on that because there is no emotion left for me to be angry. I want to speak with you, but you obviously do not wish to do so. I will take that for what it is worth. I am sorry that things worked out the way that they did. You have made your choices, and I have made mine. We really should never have continued our relationship, but what is done is done. I would like to sincerely thank you for my beautiful children. They are what has made life worthwhile. I will never be able to hate you because of them. We will have to leave the past in the past, and hopefully move on to the future. I am not sure what the future holds for you, but with (son) and (daughter) in my life, I know there will be great things in store for me. I can only hope that you have the same in your life.

 

As for the medical insurance and life insurance, I would sincerely like a date as to when these things will be completed. I will give you what time you need, but if it is not taken care of soon, I will be forced to go back to court. This is not a threat, it is a fact. I will not bring you to court maliciously. There is no point in fighting a battle when you are angry. Most of the time you will lose that battle. I will only do this if it is absolutely necessary. I am hoping that you will come through on your end, but I would like a specific date that I can expect all of this to be done by because in the past you have been, how should I say, slow to take care of certain responsibilities. There are also a few things that are going to be important in the future. I will need to know an address at all times for you. I realize that you may move quite a bit in the next 18 years, and I would prefer not to have to try to find you if there are any issues pertaining to child support. I will also need to know when you are being deployed. This is important for me to know again because child support will stop if anything happens to you. I pray that nothing ever does, but you are in the military, and you are not exactly safe at all times.

 

I will not be contacting you further. I will not contact your wife. I will not contact your family (however, I will continue to send your mother pictures of the children at Christmas). I will not contact the (miltary branch) unless, God forbid, something happens to one of the children. I would also like to know if something were to happen, again I say God forbid, and one of the children were to need some sort of transplant if you would be willing to provide that organ. I know that it sounds as if I am asking a lot of questions, but you may just want this all to go away. You may not care whether or not these children live or die. I do not want to think if I were to contact you, and give one of the children hope that they may be able to fight a disease because there may be an organ for them, that I would disappoint them by having you turn them away.

 

As for whether or not they will contact you in the future, I do not know. I will not discourage them from that if that is what they truly want to do. They will know about you. They will know who you are. I will not tell them what you did to us. I will simply tell them that "Daddy chose not to be with us." I will make sure they know that it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you. You had choices to make, and the choices you made are right for you. That's it. Many years down the road, I am certain that they will want to meet you. It is your choice if you feel like meeting with them. I cannot imagine you being able to look them in the eye when you have missed their entire lives, but again that is up to you. I guess all I can ask of you is to make sure your son, (son with wife), gets all the love in the world that you were unable to give to my children. He deserves a Daddy that will be there in every sense of the word. If you are going to be there for him, don't just be there physically. Give him everything. Give him your time, your energy, and most importantly, your heart. These are things that you were unable to give to my children, but I do not want another child to suffer just because you were unable to give yourself to your other children. I guess there is nothing more to say other than enjoy you life, do not regret your choices, and believe in love over all else. If you truly love (wife), then that is where you are meant to be, so stop straying and work on your relationship.

 

Sincerely,

Mistresswchildren

[Angel1111]

Nice email in many ways. I don't suppose you go a response?

 

I find it hard to believe that any man would walk away from his children, no matter how he feels about his relationship with you. I guess it's all just too inconvenient for him. That would kill my respect for him right there. It's really sad when things end this way. I'm sure that you'll give your kids all the love they need so don't ever doubt yourself as a mom.

[GPFan]

Has this e-mail been sent yet? If it hasn't, this is what I suggest you send:

I write this without any anger whatsoever. You have made your choices, and I have made mine. I would like to sincerely thank you for my beautiful children. They are what has made life worthwhile. I will never be able to hate you because of them. We will have to leave the past in the past, and hopefully move on to the future. I am not sure what the future holds for you, but with (son) and (daughter) in my life, I know there will be great things in store for me. I can only hope that you have the same in your life.

 

As for the medical insurance and life insurance, I would sincerely like a date as to when these things will be completed. I will give you what time you need, but if it is not taken care of soon, I will be forced to go back to court.

 

There are also a few things that are going to be important in the future. I will need to know an address at all times for you. I will also need to know when you are being deployed.

 

Sincerely,

Mistresswchildren

[GPFan]

I find it hard to believe that any man would walk away from his children, no matter how he feels about his relationship with you. I guess it's all just too inconvenient for him. That would kill my respect for him right there. It's really sad when things end this way. I'm sure that you'll give your kids all the love they need so don't ever doubt yourself as a mom.

It always surprises me when people are shocked by men walking away. They (some types of men) have done it since the beginning of time. Men do not bond with children the way women do. Women are bonded as soon as they know conception has taken place, men might bond after birth.

 

Many men are resentful, whether married or not, because after their seed is deposited their choices are taken away. The woman has all the power after conception -- all of it. They are at her mercy. So many men who weren't included in the decision to conceive (and that includes accidental conceptions) feel this way.

 

Life is a crap shoot on so many levels.

[astra77]

I wrote this to the xMM. I want to speak to him still so that we can be clear on a few things about custody, but I suppose that is not something that we will ever be able to speak about. I was just wondering every one else's take on this.

 

I write this without any anger whatsoever. I want to be clear on that because there is no emotion left for me to be angry. I want to speak with you, but you obviously do not wish to do so. I will take that for what it is worth. I am sorry that things worked out the way that they did. You have made your choices, and I have made mine. We really should never have continued our relationship, but what is done is done. I would like to sincerely thank you for my beautiful children. They are what has made life worthwhile. I will never be able to hate you because of them. We will have to leave the past in the past, and hopefully move on to the future. I am not sure what the future holds for you, but with (son) and (daughter) in my life, I know there will be great things in store for me. I can only hope that you have the same in your life.

 

As for the medical insurance and life insurance, I would sincerely like a date as to when these things will be completed. I will give you what time you need, but if it is not taken care of soon, I will be forced to go back to court. This is not a threat, it is a fact. I will not bring you to court maliciously. There is no point in fighting a battle when you are angry. Most of the time you will lose that battle. I will only do this if it is absolutely necessary. I am hoping that you will come through on your end, but I would like a specific date that I can expect all of this to be done by because in the past you have been, how should I say, slow to take care of certain responsibilities. There are also a few things that are going to be important in the future. I will need to know an address at all times for you. I realize that you may move quite a bit in the next 18 years, and I would prefer not to have to try to find you if there are any issues pertaining to child support. I will also need to know when you are being deployed. This is important for me to know again because child support will stop if anything happens to you. I pray that nothing ever does, but you are in the military, and you are not exactly safe at all times.

 

I will not be contacting you further. I will not contact your wife. I will not contact your family (however, I will continue to send your mother pictures of the children at Christmas). I will not contact the (miltary branch) unless, God forbid, something happens to one of the children. I would also like to know if something were to happen, again I say God forbid, and one of the children were to need some sort of transplant if you would be willing to provide that organ. I know that it sounds as if I am asking a lot of questions, but you may just want this all to go away. You may not care whether or not these children live or die. I do not want to think if I were to contact you, and give one of the children hope that they may be able to fight a disease because there may be an organ for them, that I would disappoint them by having you turn them away.

 

As for whether or not they will contact you in the future, I do not know. I will not discourage them from that if that is what they truly want to do. They will know about you. They will know who you are. I will not tell them what you did to us. I will simply tell them that "Daddy chose not to be with us." I will make sure they know that it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you. You had choices to make, and the choices you made are right for you. That's it. Many years down the road, I am certain that they will want to meet you. It is your choice if you feel like meeting with them. I cannot imagine you being able to look them in the eye when you have missed their entire lives, but again that is up to you. I guess all I can ask of you is to make sure your son, (son with wife), gets all the love in the world that you were unable to give to my children. He deserves a Daddy that will be there in every sense of the word. If you are going to be there for him, don't just be there physically. Give him everything. Give him your time, your energy, and most importantly, your heart. These are things that you were unable to give to my children, but I do not want another child to suffer just because you were unable to give yourself to your other children. I guess there is nothing more to say other than enjoy you life, do not regret your choices, and believe in love over all else. If you truly love (wife), then that is where you are meant to be, so stop straying and work on your relationship.

 

Sincerely,

Mistresswchildren

 

MWC - i am weeping right now

 

your pain cuts deep - he should know this for no other reason than because you have kids together AND HE NEEDS TO "GET IT"

send it, send the whole thing - do it NOW if you havent already.

 

The fact of the matter is exactly what you have told him - your mind is clear, you are out of the fog BUT he has to be responsible for ALL of his kids, YOURS INCLUDED.

 

Send it girl, let it rip, let him have a reality slap *whack* he needs it

 

BTW - email was exceptionally worded - beautiful mwc

[whichwayisup]

Everything was good up until this:

 

I will simply tell them that "Daddy chose not to be with us." I will make sure they know that it has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you.

 

You can't put it ALL on him because you had an A with a MM, and he chose his wife and children with his wife over you and his kids with you. I think telling your children this is going to open a big can of worms for yourself later in the future, so be prepared to answer their questions about how you and their dad got together.

 

Anyway, I hope he plays fair and doesn't do anything dumb.

[mistresswchildren]

Everything was good up until this:

 

 

 

You can't put it ALL on him because you had an A with a MM, and he chose his wife and children with his wife over you and his kids with you. I think telling your children this is going to open a big can of worms for yourself later in the future, so be prepared to answer their questions about how you and their dad got together.

 

Anyway, I hope he plays fair and doesn't do anything dumb.

 

In regards to the children, I feel that I can place this on him. He is choosing not to be with his children as well as me. He could easily choose a different path. He could choose to see them, but he has made the choice not to. That is entirely up to him. I have no control over that. I would even allow visitation as long as it was supervised and in-state. I will be completely prepared to answer their questions. I will not lie to them. Their father has done enough of that for three lifetimes. This is why I have chosen the statement that "Daddy chose not to be with us." It is the truth. It is a simple statement, which is often a good enough explanation for young children. I do not have to bend the truth, and I do not allow them to build up a fantasy of their father at the same time. Often times children build a fantasy of the absentee parent. When the children know the facts, then they are less prone to doing that.

[wildsoul]

This is why I have chosen the statement that "Daddy chose not to be with us." It is the truth. It is a simple statement, which is often a good enough explanation for young children.

Honestly? I think that it's cruel to put that sentence in there. You are describing a scene where he imagines you speaking those words to their sweet little faces. I think you are trying to twist the knife a bit.

 

If you want the meaning to come through, without the knife twisting, then keep your tone of voice the same as the rest of the letter. Remove the quotation marks and the name Daddy. Say that you'll try to gently explain that he can't live with us; it's not their fault; and that he still loves them. (imho, that's all you should be saying not that stuff about choices.)

 

I think GPFan's shorter version is a lot better.

[mistresswchildren]

Honestly? I think that it's cruel to put that sentence in there. You are describing a scene where he imagines you speaking those words to their sweet little faces. I think you are trying to twist the knife a bit.

 

If you want the meaning to come through, without the knife twisting, then keep your tone of voice the same as the rest of the letter. Remove the quotation marks and the name Daddy. Say that you'll try to gently explain that he can't live with us; it's not their fault; and that he still loves them. (imho, that's all you should be saying not that stuff about choices.)

 

I think GPFan's shorter version is a lot better.

 

I honestly do not think that it is cruel in any way. Every one has their opinion, but I have talked to family members, and we all think it is best that I put it this way to the children. The fact of the matter is, HE DOES NOT LOVE THEM! To love a child means you give of yourself unconditionally. I will not flat out tell them that their father doesn't love them, but I will make sure that they realize that he made his choice. He chose this. A father that chooses to have nothing to do with his children, does not love them. Nothing that anyone can say can make me feel differently. I will explain things later to them when they start to ask what happened, but until then I think the choice that I have made is what is best for my children.

 

As far as twisting a knife goes, that wasn't the point, but if it happened, OH WELL. If he feels that bad about it (which I can assure you he doesn't have the same emotions that most human beings do) then maybe he will do something about it. Maybe, he will try to take an active role in their lives. I am not saying that he needs to choose one child over another. I am not even saying that he needs to choose these children over his marriage. He is the one that is making that choice. I will not bar him from seeing them, but I will insist on supervision at first. This is his choice entirely. It has nothing to do with me. He doesn't have to be with me to be a part of his children's lives. Honestly, these are HIS CHOICES. I did not tell him that he would never be allowed to see them. I told him that it would have to be supervised and in the state that they reside. That is all. He is the one that said he gave up and that he wouldn't try to get visitation all on his own.

[me003]

I liked the shorter version that was posted here. I thing the wording might come and bite you in the rear. What is he then says that it is not true and that NOW he wasnts custody of them... You can't deny him or your children that. Regardless of what he has done in the past it is his right. ALso, why should his visitaion be supervised? Is he a criminal?

 

Before you send this email, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE... ask someone else outside of your family or circle to read it. You also don't want to scar your kids by telling them that daddy choose not to be with them or that he doesn't love them. I felt that way about my father for a long time and it made an emotional mess out of me. I always felt abandoned. PLease don't do that to your children. Ask a therapist what would be the right words to use when telling them about their father.

 

I feel that my child's dad is an ass, but my child will never hear anything bad about him from me. I just want my son to know love and nothing more.

Don't forget that children can be persuaded to believe anything. He can come years later and say that it was you who denied him access to them.

 

I just think that from now on you need to keep all the limited contact with him as proifessional as you can. Proffesional can't be misread as a fight or a decleration for a fight.

 

If he read this he may even share it with his W and she might get mad enough to want to take your kids from you. Not sure if in your state it can happen, but in my state married couples look better for primary custody.

My state also looks at what is the best interest of a child and that the parent fosters the love of the other parent to the child.

 

I know right now you are mad and hurt, but take some time off to cool off and think before you act. I do not want to see you in more pain in the future.

 

Also, what if he blocked your address or if his wife is now reading this email and he never gets to read it.

[Angel1111]

I honestly do not think that it is cruel in any way.

 

I don't think it's cruel either, and who cares anyway??? He's an unfeeling ass who has desserted his kids. No one is making him do that but himself.

[Angel1111]

It always surprises me when people are shocked by men walking away. They (some types of men) have done it since the beginning of time. Men do not bond with children the way women do. Women are bonded as soon as they know conception has taken place, men might bond after birth.

 

Many men are resentful, whether married or not, because after their seed is deposited their choices are taken away. The woman has all the power after conception -- all of it. They are at her mercy. So many men who weren't included in the decision to conceive (and that includes accidental conceptions) feel this way.

 

Life is a crap shoot on so many levels.

 

You can be surprised all you want but I've never known men who are so disconnected that they don't even care about their own children. Thank God.

[mistresswchildren]

I have asked a therapist what to say to my children. I asked a long time ago about all of this. I wasn't sure where this relationship was going to end up and when I was speaking to the counselor she and I got on the subject of what I would tell the children if he chose this particular path. When we talked about it, I was told the simplicity is the key. It is comparable when a child ask where babies come from. If you tell them a make believe story (ie the stork theory), it only leads to more questions. If you try to explain the WHOLE process to them, it confuses them. If, however, you state that the baby comes home from the hospital, then there is no lie, and it is simple enough for a child to understand without too many other questions (obviously this is dependent on age because you are not going to tell a five year old about the birds and the bees).

 

Now, if I say that their father couldn't be with them, that is a lie. If I explain the whole situation to them, they will not understand it until they are much older. If, however, I tell them that their father CHOSE not to be with them, then that is the TRUTH. By allowing them to know that he made a choice, and then explaining to them that it is not their fault, then I have successfully explained a rough situation without lying to them. I cannot tell them that he loves them. I will not. It is flat out a lie. He does not love them or he would try to do whatever he could to be involved in their lives. If earlier in this whole situation he had said that he was going to go away because he didn't feel that he could take on the responsibilities of a father, then I feel that maybe he did care. That is comparable to a parent giving a child up for adoption because they care enough to admit that they cannot give that child all that they deserve. Now, I know that isn't true because he is willing to provide all the love in the world to his other child. I do not begrudge that child his father's love. I just know that he is perfectly capable of delivering as a father, and has CHOSEN not to.

 

Many people may disagree with all of this, but I know that it is the right choice for my children. As long as they have all the love in the world from me, they will not feel as if they are missing anything. They have a few father figures in their lives as it is. My dad (while not the greatest father in the world), is an excellent grandfather. My brother-in-law is also a great father figure. I have a new step-father that my children love. These male figures provide more in the way of a father than their biological father ever will (or could for that matter). They will be okay, but I will have to give them an explanation. As far as telling them the whole truth one day goes, I will do it. I will tell them the whole sordid story. I will tell them that I made some bad decisions, but that I would not take back one of them because otherwise I wouldn't have the two most beautiful and sweet children in the world. I refuse to lie to them. Their father has done enough of that for three lifetimes. I do not need to lie. I just need to teach them to learn from my mistakes. They will make enough of their own mistakes (because every one does), this way they will not repeat mine.

[astra77]

i have asked a therapist what to say to my children. I asked a long time ago about all of this. I wasn't sure where this relationship was going to end up and when i was speaking to the counselor she and i got on the subject of what i would tell the children if he chose this particular path. When we talked about it, i was told the simplicity is the key. It is comparable when a child ask where babies come from. If you tell them a make believe story (ie the stork theory), it only leads to more questions. If you try to explain the whole process to them, it confuses them. If, however, you state that the baby comes home from the hospital, then there is no lie, and it is simple enough for a child to understand without too many other questions (obviously this is dependent on age because you are not going to tell a five year old about the birds and the bees).

 

Now, if i say that their father couldn't be with them, that is a lie. If i explain the whole situation to them, they will not understand it until they are much older. If, however, i tell them that their father chose not to be with them, then that is the truth. By allowing them to know that he made a choice, and then explaining to them that it is not their fault, then i have successfully explained a rough situation without lying to them. I cannot tell them that he loves them. I will not. It is flat out a lie. He does not love them or he would try to do whatever he could to be involved in their lives. If earlier in this whole situation he had said that he was going to go away because he didn't feel that he could take on the responsibilities of a father, then i feel that maybe he did care. That is comparable to a parent giving a child up for adoption because they care enough to admit that they cannot give that child all that they deserve. Now, i know that isn't true because he is willing to provide all the love in the world to his other child. I do not begrudge that child his father's love. I just know that he is perfectly capable of delivering as a father, and has chosen not to.

 

Many people may disagree with all of this, but i know that it is the right choice for my children. As long as they have all the love in the world from me, they will not feel as if they are missing anything. They have a few father figures in their lives as it is. My dad (while not the greatest father in the world), is an excellent grandfather. My brother-in-law is also a great father figure. I have a new step-father that my children love. These male figures provide more in the way of a father than their biological father ever will (or could for that matter). They will be okay, but i will have to give them an explanation. As far as telling them the whole truth one day goes, i will do it. I will tell them the whole sordid story. I will tell them that i made some bad decisions, but that i would not take back one of them because otherwise i wouldn't have the two most beautiful and sweet children in the world. I refuse to lie to them. Their father has done enough of that for three lifetimes. I do not need to lie. I just need to teach them to learn from my mistakes. They will make enough of their own mistakes (because every one does), this way they will not repeat mine.

 

(((((mwc)))))

[mistresswchildren]

(((((mwc)))))

 

Thanks astra! You typically back me up! I'm just working this all out. It is a sticky situation, and I appreciate every one's input. There is nothing easy about it. To any of the OWs out there, don't get past the point of no return! No man is worth it!