fishcake Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 My wife and I married about 6 months ago -- I was conflicted throughout the engagement, but she kept on pushing, and so, against my better judgement, I went through with it. I love her, and we are great friends, but our sex life is bland, especially compared to past relationships. We're in our 30s. I think her ideal is sex once a month, just before her period. At first, even at once a month, the sex was quick and flat, and she seemed distracted - not entirely in the moment. With previous gfs, I had no problem sexually pleasing them, so I just couldn't figure it out. We even broke up once over this. After we got back together, things improved somewhat -- we now have sex once a week. I could go 3-7 times a week, so this is our compromise. She seems to genuinely enjoy sex much more, but she is still pretty inhibited and is not particularly cuddly. The long and the short of it is: I'm still not satisfied -- I keep on catching myself thinking back to past sexual experiences where there was that crazy animal chemistry. I miss that... Due to rejection, I find myself not as sexually open with her as I have been with other women. I am physically attracted to her, but that is waning... I'm also discovering some serious control freak tendencies -- taking charge of situations, answering for me, pushing me to do things I'm not ready to do -- having kids, buy a house, etc. In many ways we are compatible and I love her, but I sometimes think that I've mistaken a friend for a lifetime partner. I also wonder if I just have trouble committing. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.
mark982 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 buddy, take this one SLOW,if your minds giving you doughts about it's far better to just divorce, than be stuck with losing a house, and paying child support, plus alimony.don't let her push you. and don't trust her to say she's on the pill either.think with the head on to your shoulders.
Walk Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I seriously wonder if this is how my H thinks about our relationship. she kept on pushing, and so, against my better judgement, I went through with it. our sex life is bland, I think her ideal is sex once a month, just before her period. we now have sex once a week. I could go 3-7 times a week, so this is our compromise. she is still pretty inhibited and is not particularly cuddly. These are just suggestions: Have you specifically asked her how often she likes to have sex? Not "think" she'd like, but actually talked to her about it, and questioned her about how she feels about sex and frequency of it. Have you asked her if she's satisfied with how often you two have sex? Also, sexually inhibited and not particularly cuddly seem like opposite spectrums of the scale. I feel I'm kind of inhibited about sex, but that would never prevent me from being cuddly. Feeling distanced from my H would subdue my cuddle tendencies and sexual desires though. IMO... (based off the limited info you posted) I'd say your wife is feeling distanced from you. That she doesn't feel very connected to you. Maybe due to your hesitancy in marrying her? Maybe she's feeling inadequate, that she's not measuring up to what you really want because she knows deep down that the only reason you agreed to marriage was because she pushed for it. Which could lead to a decrease in sex drive and libido. If her self-worth is low she won't be as daring and passionate in bed. She'll seem subdued, less enthusiastic, not as turned on. And afterward, she'll avoid the physical contact that cuddlying creates because she may feel guilt, or dissappointed in herself for how you feel, she may avoid that contact in an attempt to protect her heart. Due to rejection, I find myself not as sexually open with her as I have been with other women. I am physically attracted to her, but that is waning... So, you're the one that does the initiating for sex? Is it shared at all? Or only you initiating? Is that something you could discuss with her? Maybe ask her to initiate sex 1 out of every four times for a while... gradually increase it as her comfort levels grow. Do you have anything specific you would like her to try? Maybe you could try talking to her in a non-sexual environment first and express something you would really like to see her do sexually. Then when you two are getting your groves on, you could suggest it again. If you convince her (I know it shouldn't be your job to do that) that you aren't going to judge her for it, or see her in a negative light, then she might surprise you in being more provacative with you. I'm also discovering some serious control freak tendencies -- taking charge of situations, answering for me, pushing me to do things I'm not ready to do -- having kids, buy a house, etc. I've done this to my H on occasion, and I know it drives him nuts at times. My excuse/reason... I'm weak and pathetic at times. I didn't stand up to a friend who asked if my H could help her fix her car. I should've said "let me ask him". Instead I said "Yeah, sure". It was helpful to me that he brought it to my attention that I should've asked him first. I don't do well telling people no, and I'm horrible at lying. So if someone asks me if my H is busy, and I know for a fact he's just sitting on the couch moping about how bored he is... then I'll say "No, he's not busy". Which then leads to people saying "Oh, since he's not busy, I need help with X". But after talking to my H about it, I'm more conciencious about how that action affects him. In your situation, I'd bring it to her attention that she's speaking for you when you are more then capable of speaking for yourself. Maybe if you phrase it so she could envision herself in your shoes.... Ask her to explain her thought processes. Talk to her about it, and see if there's a better way the two of you could approach it. As far as the house and kids thing... She's 30+. Her biological clock is SCREAMING in her ear. I have to conciously beat mine down with a baseball bat at times. Its hard to ignore it. And sometimes I end up telling my husband "When we buy a house...." Or "when we have kids..." He rolls his eyes. I guess the difference though is we talk about it. Ask each other how we feel, what our thoughts are, what each of us wants and why. So when i mention kids, or houses, he knows I'm not pushing for it.. Anyway.. Sometimes my H and I butt heads because I see marriage a bit different then he does. But what helps us the most is just discussing those differences. We try to be as non-judgemental and as honest and open as possible. That helps me to feel mroe secure with him, closer to him, and more desirous of him sexually. Plus way more cuddly. And he's more understanding, more compasionate, and more forgiving of my inherient faults. Not sure if that helped... maybe there's bits and pieces that'll be helpful to you.
Rorocher Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 How long did you know her/date before getting married? Was she a control freak while you were dating? How much sex did you have pre-marriage? The answers to these will shed light on who she is. If she was the way you described pre-marriage, you can't expect her to turn around and morph into a different person after. So I think it's important to consider that and try to find a compromise.
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 She's trying to lock you down with this whole house and kids plea. Be strong, don't let her push you like my wife pushed me.
Walk Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 If a person feels like their SO is "pushing" them to do things he/she doesn't want to do, then you need to talk to your SO about it. Sit down, have a discussion, share your thoughts on the matter. Discuss hwo you think and feel about the matter. Buying a house, having kids.. these things should've been discussed BEFORE marriage. Not after. Its sad, and frustrating, to read posts accusing women of domineering their husbands/bf's into doing things they didn't want to do. No one held a gun to your head. You weren't physically intimidated into doing it. Unless what men are saying is that they are battered spouses? In that case, you need to leave the relationship and go to a shelter or family members house immediately. Same goes for women. I've been talked into doing some things I wasn't comfortable with, but ultimately the choice was mine. I could've said no. No one made me do something I didn't want to do. I felt like I had to go along because it was something he wanted, but **I** had a choice in the matter. I chose to go along with it. There is no one else to blame but me. He didn't beat me, he didn't threaten me or my family, he didn't verbally or physically intimidate me into complying with what he wanted. He wanted something very strongly, and I went along with it because it was easier then not to. If you don't want to buy a house then don't sign the paperwork. If you don't want kids, then use protection. ALL of these things should have been discussed long before the marriage ceremony. Since they weren't, then people need to start discussing them NOW. Not months from now, not tomorrow. Today. Talk. Discuss. Let your partner know how you think about kids and buying houses.
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