novermyhead Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Hi all, I have been reading alot of threads on this site and I must say it is reassuring that there are people in this world that know and understand what I am going through. This is my story... A year and a half ago there was a man at work that always showed alot of interest in me. I knew he was married so I brushed him off. He is the quiet and shy type that never really spoke to anyone except for a few guys. We went to a work function and got caught up in conversation and he was going on and on telling me how he was in a very unhappy marriage and is there because of his son. We got to know each other better and surely enough fell madly in love with each other. The affair went on for almost a year and a half. We did try to end it on many occasions but didnt last more than a week. He said that he needed to try to work on his marriage for his son's sake but failed many times. truely believe his marriage is a very unhappy one and he says he has no doubts in his mind that he and I would be very happy together. After a little over a year, he moved out of his home and got himself an apt. He still spends everyday with his son as he cannot live without him which I dont mind at all. Just 3 weeks ago he told me that he is going crazy and has alot of conflicting feelings. He said that he thought if he moved out things would get better but realizes everything is getting worse. He now wants to go to therapy which I told him was a good idea. He said that he needs the advice of a professional. He said that he wanted NC and I said that was fine. He texted me a couple times in the beginning saying how much he missed me and loves me and the last week I havent heard from him since. I did break the NC and texted this morning to see how he was doing and have not even gotten a response of I'm ok. I have no idea what to do or what he is thinking.... What should I do?? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
wildsoul Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Hello and welcome! The best thing for you to do is use this time of NC to evaluate your life and the relationship. Reading here is a great thing to do, as is posting. I also felt reassured in that it seemed like a safe place to talk about this stuff. But what struck me more is how nearly all the stories are the same. Mostly what changes is the amount of time people have into it, as well as how many kids are involved. Sobering, to say the least. How are you feeling during the NC? You said you broke it, but didn't really say why or what state of mind you're in. If you feel like sharing, please do.
beautifullove Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I can totally understand what you must be going through - not knowing what's going on is enough to drive you insane. I suspect you may have drawn some conclusions of your own as to what could possibly be happening. Well, I think he may have been advised to cut all contact with you for two possible reasons. #1 to work on his M #2 to focus on himself and get his emotions under control I know it must be killing you, but by reading your post you seem like a very patient person. That character trait is what can save you, so try and use it to go NC. Let him be the one to contact you, and I'm sure when he does you'll get a clearer picture of what's going on. Keep us posted!
Author novermyhead Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 Thanks for the support! My emotions are very up and down during this NC. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my body and I couldnt take it anymore but to talk to him. He texted before saying that just because I dont hear from him that i should always know that he is thinking about me all the time. The way it ended was very unclear. He said that he isnt asking me to wait for him but in the end I think he thinks that I am. He said he needs to make a decision and be with me properly. He also said that we havent broken up until he figures things out. I'm very surprised he didnt respond to my text. It felt like a slap in the face.
beautifullove Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Feeling like your heart was ripped out of your body - I know all about feeling like that when my MM told me he wasn't coming back. He called a couple of times after, and I tried to get answers. One thing he did say was that he didn't mean for the break-up to happen, that he planned to spend the rest of his life with me, and that he'd always love me, but yet he is gone. I guess my point is, unless you ask direct questions (which you have right to ask) and get direct answers (if he is prepared to answer your questions) you may end up being left in the dark. Up to this day, I still have no real closure, although I know he went back to his W (I found out for myself and through her texting me). But I can't wait for him to give me closure in order to move on. You too should continue to focus on what makes you happy, and hopefully if he finally contacts you, you will be in a different place, a better place emotionally. It's hard, but you can do it. Like I said though, he probably hasn't contacted you because his therapist may have told him to cut all contact.
wildsoul Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Yes, not having him reply must sting. Especially as I'm sure this is very different from before. Gently, I would like to remind you that if he told you he wanted to try NC, then what that means is that he is committing to not contacting you. So in all honesty, you broke his request for NC (didn't honor the boundary) and it seems like he is trying to still keep the boundary from his side. So while it sure hurts emotionally, maybe you can find some solace in remembering that he told you in advance he was going NC? He hasn't abandoned you. He told you about this ahead of time. Let it go, and try to not contact him again. Sounds like this is a break, not a break up. I know this wasn't your idea, but if you can somehow embrace the idea that the break and NC can also be used in a positive way for you too, it would be good. What are some positive things you can be doing for yourself during this time?
beautifullove Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 How to survive my bf's divorce by Robyn Todd and Lesly Nelson. It really helped me.
beautifullove Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 WS - considering you are going through it too, you seem to be doing very well. Good for you.
wildsoul Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 WS - considering you are going through it too, you seem to be doing very well. Good for you. Yeah, but in my case, I declared the NC. So I think that gives me a teeny edge compared to her. Not that it makes much difference. novermyhead: FWIW, the feelings that come with NC are probably also hard for him. As you learned above, I declared NC, and I'm still a total nutjob hoping (and also fearing) that he'll break it. Actually, he did break it, but he was being such a hostile jerk that I wasn't nearly as tempted to reply as if he'd been sweet. Anyway, it's hard for both sides. If you really care, it's still better to honor his boundary than get him all entangled again. Crazy as we all get, boundary crossing is a red flag. It might backfire on you, actually.
beautifullove Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Well I think you should give yourself all the credit, because NC is difficult when you love someone. I did read the post when he did contact you. I read these posts daily, and recommend doing so for any newcomer. It's like free therapy. I just wonder when I'll wake up and won't think about it anymore. I think most of us here want to get to that stage. I imagine the day when I actually say to myself, OMG it's the end of the day and I haven't thought about him at all. Then I'll truly know I'm moving on.
wildsoul Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I imagine the day when I actually say to myself, OMG it's the end of the day and I haven't thought about him at all. Then I'll truly know I'm moving on. AMEN SISTER! Thank god for this place. I can't afford therapy right now, but I had a phone chat with one of my former therapists who I had a trade agreement with. I told her I had found LS and that people here knew what NC was! She was thrilled because when I worked with her before, that was one of the tools she helped me to use to get out of a past relationship. Really, I've been blown away at the collective wisdom of some of the people here. It's been a life saver. I know I'm posting/reading here a little obsessively, but at least it's a healthy place to put that crazy energy. I learn from everyone, new and old alike. Sorry to hijack your thread, novermyhead. If you stick around and soak up the support here, you'll understand my gushing.
Author novermyhead Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 Thanks to everyone for ur advice. I know you are completely right and sometimes I truely think I can get through this and others like today I just really miss him. He is a really great guy. And he has told me about his wife. He says that he doesnt love her but he cares what happens to her. He says living with her is like living in hell. He is also saying that if they can live amicably then he would stay for his son but they are constantly fighting all the time. I know he is going through a really rough period. I just wish there was something I could do. Gosh this is soo tough and I just wonder all the time how I got myself into this mess!
beautifullove Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I am addicted to LS. I end up getting caught reading stories instead of doing some of the things I have to do. I have become a bit more self-controlled, but it helps me alot, and for novermyhead it will help you too. My MM told me his W was selfish, paid him little attention, didn't value him as a father/husband/man, had no interest in his happiness, and his goals in life. She was M (but separated) when he met her, got pregnant by him, but they broke up. She gave his child her H's last name. Her other two kids also have diff. fathers. She's very manipulative, and as thick as two planks of wood. BUT, he made a choice. We lived together, and planned a future, talked of M, and planned to have kids. He was a great guy, we had a deep connection, we had a lot of fun together, we did alot together. BUT, he left and went back. I know he felt guilty about his son who started to dislike him for leaving the family (his son is 16). In fact, I think that had a lot to do with his decision - the guilt of it. I also wonder how I got myself into this. However, one thing I do know is that I will never do it again. It is very painful.
astra77 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Hi Ladies, I too am a little obsessed with LS and was a little worried about it for a while, BUT isnt it better to be obsessed with something like LS that is HELPING us rather than being obsessed with the son of a bitch that "helped us" get here in the first place LOL ha ha ha ha Sorry im in a sarcastic / weird / funny mood - better than being depressed i guess HUGS TO EVERYONE
beautifullove Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Lol, lol, lol..I was a bit worried too. LS is very addictive. Will we be this addicted once we've moved on???
wildsoul Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Lol, lol, lol..I was a bit worried too. LS is very addictive. Will we be this addicted once we've moved on??? Hahaha...well, only if you go forth obsessively into the other parts of the forum. Seriously though. I was just reading something today about how this obsessive phase is better than the addictive phase, BUT one still needs to go through the withdrawal phase next. In other words, getting caught in the whole post game analysis and "what is he thinking" phase is a way to keep the feelings of loss at bay. Truly letting go and going into the pain is when the healing turnaround happens. So I guess it depends how we use the forum: as medicine or as a placebo. Yanno?
beautifullove Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Well, I have my work cut out form me. I need to move to another place, because this one is full of memories and in the wrong location (now that I am single so to speak). I think moving will help me a great deal. I read on one of your posts that you had photos. It was extremely hard for me to look at his photos, which I eventually shredded. I looked at his face and couldn't equate the person he turned out to be with the person in the picture. I came across a recording of us being silly on my camera. I watched it and thought, does he forget about those wonderful moments. We were having so much fun.
Lyssa Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Novermyhead, please respect his wishes. Do not contact him. Let him figure out what he wants. Everything will work out the way it should be - it may not be what you want but it will show you what type of a man he is.
soda Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Hi all, I have been reading alot of threads on this site I have no idea what to do or what he is thinking.... What should I do?? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! He is doing exactly what he told he planned to do. He is working on NC. He wants you out of his life. You know exactly what he is thinking and feeling, but you want to convince yourself otherwise because you are still living in the fog of the affair. You can convince yourself all that you want. Or you might take advantage of the opportunity to not be a homewrecker. You destroyed a family with children. I'm not judging you. MM is equally to blame. What happened can't be taken back. However, he seems to desire what he used to have. Subtract yourself from the equation. You'll sleep better, and you'll also like the person you look at in the mirror. I imagine that most days you don't. Even if you do, he doesn't like you enough to spend his life with you. If he did, he wouldn't be asking for NC.
Author novermyhead Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 The marriage was dead already. They contimplate divorce every 3-6 months! He told me that as soon as he makes a decision I will be the first to know. Until then he wants to seek professional help and get his emotions under control. If he decides to go back I will honor his decision and leave him alone. In the meantime, I need to figure out what it is that I want in my life. Maybe beautifullove is right. Maybe when he contacts me I will be in another place. Who knows?
Author novermyhead Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 I wanted to thank everyone again! All this advice has really helped me to understand the situation alot better. I will give him the NC and try to move on! I guess this really is the best thing that could of happened to us. At least now I can start planning my life!
wildsoul Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I wanted to thank everyone again! All this advice has really helped me to understand the situation alot better. I will give him the NC and try to move on! I guess this really is the best thing that could of happened to us. At least now I can start planning my life! Atta' girl!!!
Author novermyhead Posted September 6, 2008 Author Posted September 6, 2008 Hi all... Its been awhile! So I am doing much better emotionally! I can laugh again! He is still in therapy and has moved back to try and save his marriage. However, he is still in contact with me via text and says he still loves me very much and cannot stop thinking about me. He said this plea to save his marriage will be the final try. He also said that he knows it may not be possible to save it as he is not happy still in his marriage and he has no feelings for his wife. He has asked me to wait for him and not see anyone else until his therapy is over....another 2-3 weeks. What should I do now?
greengoddess Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Are you really ok with saying ok I will be your backup plan to pick you up if it doesn't work with your wife? Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and decide you are worth much more than this then to wait around for a man to decide who he wants while living with her and just texting with you. This should in no way be acceptable to you. Get on with your life and tell him you deserve better then to be someones fall to girl.
NoIDidn't Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 Hi all... Its been awhile! So I am doing much better emotionally! I can laugh again! He is still in therapy and has moved back to try and save his marriage. However, he is still in contact with me via text and says he still loves me very much and cannot stop thinking about me. He said this plea to save his marriage will be the final try. He also said that he knows it may not be possible to save it as he is not happy still in his marriage and he has no feelings for his wife. He has asked me to wait for him and not see anyone else until his therapy is over....another 2-3 weeks. What should I do now? Its only been two weeks! That's hardly enough time for him to work on his M. If he was serious about that, he would be thinking in terms of years and not weeks. He's still addicted to the highs of the A. He can't save his M in that state. And he certainly can't save it while still in contact with you and saying the things to you that he is saying. What should you do now? The same thing you said you were going to do before - go on with your life. You may find that you don't even want him when you find out what great possibilities await you.
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