redfathom Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 When ever people have issues in their marriages it bothers me when someone says, "You got married premature, you were too young, not mature enough, etc". I find these comments naive. Then they say, you should have discusses x, y, and z first. Again, this is naive, sure you should dicuss it, but dicussing it and having it turn out the way you planned is very different. Anyone heard this? Anyone else think it's naive...
Rorocher Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 When ever people have issues in their marriages it bothers me when someone says, "You got married premature, you were too young, not mature enough, etc". I find these comments naive. Then they say, you should have discusses x, y, and z first. Again, this is naive, sure you should dicuss it, but dicussing it and having it turn out the way you planned is very different. Anyone heard this? Anyone else think it's naive... I think people that say this have a point because there are choices you make at 19 or 20 that you wouldn't make at 30 for example, because of your maturity during that 10 year span. Especially in dating and relationships, often times, people you choose to date at 18 are not people you would touch with a 10ft pole at 35 because what appealed to you back then, e.g., the dumb jock(I'm guilty of that:D) is not as appealing now. But on the other hand also, relationships and marriage are crap shoot. You get in it, put in your best and hope for a positive outcome which you may or may not get. Life is unpredictable and love is unpredictable, people change, grow in different directions, pick up new habits, etc. You can prepare as much as you like for a life time together with someone, but it's a different story when you start living that life time. I know I've been blindsided a few times when I thought I had it all figured out.
Author redfathom Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 Which is weird, because I have been married for eight years, not a long time, but longer then some. Yet because I bring up one issue (changing my mind about kids) I was stupid to get married when I did. But I could have gotten married at 30 and then at 38 changed my mind about kids. I just think it's naive to expect your SO to be the same person in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, etc.
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Well I hate to say it but it's probably true in my circumstance. I was 20 and my wife was 18 when we got married, and we're 24 and 22 now, and on the verge of separating. We don't own a house, but do have about $30,000 in debt (mostly mine), and two kids (that I don't regret having at all, but she did push me into it just like she pushed me into getting married before I was ready). I just didn't know any better because I had virtually no experience with relationships before we got together (I was 17, she was 15).
Touche Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 Naive? No. I don't think so at all. It's the exact opposite. Heck, I've already seen a few marriages on here break up that I predicted would within a year and they have. Had they asked me my opinion I would have told them that they were surely jumping the gun and marrying "prematurely" as you put it. Sure people change and sure no marriage is guaranteed to succeed. But you can sure up those odds if you know what you're doing.
Walk Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 So you got married relatively young (early to mid 20's)? How old are you now? And no, I don't feel saying someone got married too young, or they should've actually discussed certain topics, as naive.
Touche Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 That's right. That's why I said it's the exact opposite. It's called wisdom. Not naivete.
Walk Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Yet because I bring up one issue (changing my mind about kids) I was stupid to get married when I did. I'm curious why you changed your mind about kids? What made you want them before? What's changed since then? What did you not know then, that you know now, that has altered your opinion on the matter?
Touche Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 I'm curious why you changed your mind about kids? What made you want them before? What's changed since then? What did you not know then, that you know now, that has altered your opinion on the matter? My educated guess is that she never wanted them to begin with. But now something isn't quite kosher in the marriage and she's reverting back to her original and true feelings on the subject. When everything was hunky dorey though it was so easy to tell her spouse that she wanted kids when she really didn't.
porter218 Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 My educated guess is that she never wanted them to begin with. But now something isn't quite kosher in the marriage and she's reverting back to her original and true feelings on the subject. When everything was hunky dorey though it was so easy to tell her spouse that she wanted kids when she really didn't. I agree. Maybe she thought she wanted them at first...but like people have been saying, she got married too young. The biological clock doesn't start ticking hard for most women until they get near to 30, and if she had just waited till then she would have known hers doesn't exist.
dropdeadlegs Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 I'll try to answer the question, but it is a complicated issue. It may not appear to be an answer. Youth is a wondrous age, full of hope and "forever"-ness. Unfortunately, it often doesn't work out that way. People grow and change. Sometimes they grow and change at an equal pace, further bonding that together-ness. More often they grow and change at differing levels and do not desire the same things at the same time. Or ever. They grow apart. My mother married my father at 19 and they are still together. She is 63. I have been married twice and neither lasted a decade, yet both resulted in two children. Children is a subject that few take as seriously as it should be taken. It's assumed that married couples will procreate by most of society. That doesn't mean that every marriage should result in children. I would argue the opposite. The length of the marriage shouldn't be a deciding factor where the addition of children are concerned. The strength of the marriage and the equal desire for children are far more important. Of course, a child is not a "band-aid." I can't deny that I'm not the same person I was at 20, 30, or even 40. I have changed significantly by decade. I hope that I have grown into a better person, but maybe at 50 or 60 I will be an even better person through wisdom and experience. I sure hope so! Naive is a word I choose to use for those who have no clue. The innocent. My 10 year old daughter is naive. So, I can't say if the words spoken to you are "naive", but I can guess (and it's only a guess) that if you have had a change in the desire for children that it is dependent on one of three things. 1) You simply don't desire children. You may not have known this earlier but know it now. You've grown. 2) You are not ready at this time, yet feel a lot of pressure due to the length of the marriage, or spousal pressure. 3) You do not want to have children within this marriage (and depending on "the issues" referred to in the OP they may be easily resolved or not so easily resolved.) Your reasons do not need to be divulged in this thread. If you know, that's enough. Though I do think your reasons and thoughts should be shared with your spouse. People commenting on your relationship may be doing so out of confusion due to societal standards, or they may be commenting out of concern about the issues. Either way, it's none of their business. Of course my post is full of opinion. I wish you well whatever the outcome.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 I don't think discussing your needs before you get married is "naive". People are changing constantly, so if one were to wait until a point of stasis to have an important discussion, one would never get to speak. If you get married at 19 and find you have a lot of problems down the road...maybe it's not everyone else that is naive, but YOU.
Virgo1982 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 It is very important to know as much about your partner as possible before you get married. Being naive is marrying someone based on those warm and fuzzy feelings but never asking about child discipline or goals, or spending/saving habits, etc. It seems that you may feel guilty for your change of heart. It is unfortunate for your H because he did ask if you wanted children. Now, he is faced with an ultimatum. Those loved ones are probably drawing conclusions from you.
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